It has been a hard year for me. My ex and I broke up before my daughter was born and he moved on rather quickly while I'm left taking care of our one year old and picking up the pieces. He takes me to court often for visitation w/ our baby and anytime he gets mad he threatens me by saying he will take custody when he has no reason to other than he is mad at me.

How can he truely be a good dad to her when he does nothing but visit her (he does not pay child support or buy her anything except for special occasions). Ugh, IMO he is NOT a good dad for just seeing her a few times a month. A good father would have stuck it out with his family (we were together for four years) and tried to do better instead of just leaving.

I know I put him out but I thought he would get himself together. And even if he did not want to be with me (that is fine); he could still at least try to be cordial (intead of not speaking to me and being childish) and pay child support since I'm doing everything else ALONE. I always said that I would try to be on friendly terms with him if we never got back together for my daughter's sake. But he treats me like dirt and his gf can't stand me. I left him for good reasons though. So, now I have to drop off my baby every weekend to him and his gf (he makes sure she comes along OMG he is soo rotten) and they bring her back to me for the week and I do all of the hard work. His gf even has a daughter of her own and he does more for her than his own kid.

He wants to have our baby more often and claims this would stop me from complaining about doing everything but why should I give up the baby I gave birth to just because he is a jerk? I love spending time with her and I do want help but I don't think giving him more time is the answer. And if he were more responsible and more of a man, I probably would not object to him seing her more but does he thnk I will give my one year old baby to him so he can play games (like not answering the phone or cussing me out)just so he can feel better about the fact that he is a horrible father? I'm don't mean to ramble on but this is so unfair. I would not have had a child just to give her up on the weekends and do everything alone. He told me he wanted this when I found out I was pregnant. I am so upset.

Just a question......how come you haven't gone to court over child support?

I was wondering that as well.

It sounds like you still have a lot of anger & hurt to work through, which is understandable and is going to take time.

Also wondering if his behavior towards you (which sounds really inexcusable) is coloring your impression of him as a father. Do you have anything concrete to point to that he is a horrible father when your daughter is in his care ? Him wanting to have her in his custody more just as a way to get to you doesn't sound right - or do you think he is using it to avoid or reduce paying child support in the future ?

Certainly not taking any sides here, just trying to understand the situation a little better.

I have went to court for child support and he refuses to pay. Just because I have an order doesn't mean that he is going to pay. I have not received anything. And maybe I'm different from many other people but if a guy has to be forced to pay child support is that a good father? And him wanting to get custody IS a way for him to get back at me and he wants to also get out of child support. Some guys do use the system to get back at their exes and he is one of them. Like I said, I broke it off with him and he is very controlling because I was not supposed to dump him this is his way of punishing me. I don't think that how he treats me is tarnishing my opinion of him as a father. My daughter doesn't even like him. He uses her for bragging rights. He is irresponsible, a liar, a cheater, a womanizer, a criminal, and a world-class jerk and a lame dad. I've tried to be as nice as I can but how do you deal with a person who acts worse than a child?

By the way I do have full custody and he gets visitation. I thought I was doing ok but when I see him it drives me nuts and everytime I'm at the store or the Dr's office with my child and people are judging me for being a single mom I get so angry. They have no idea about what I've been through and he is going on with his life. This sucks.

The best way I know how to deal with that type, is to just leave them alone. You've given him his chance, he's not taken advantage of it to better himself, so there's nothing more you can do for him.

You have enough to think about, stop worrying about him. No good comes from it. You can only control what's inside your circle of influence, and that's you and your little one.

I would think that if he's not upholding his end of child support, the court's wouldn't allow him visitation. I don't know though.

I wish you all the best.

I'm trying to think of a polite way to state what I want to say. It sounds like you have a lot of unresolved anger towards your ex and that it may be causing you more grief that the current situation is. If you've been to court and he's been mandated to pay you child support but isn't then you need to let the court system know so that they can take it out of his paychecks. If he has a job then they can and will take the money vs. waiting for him to pay it himself. As for being a bad father I would probably need a few more examples before I can comment on that portion. It sounds like he wants to spend time with your little one and you haven't mentioned anything about what he does or doesn't do with her when he has her. I can understand fully you're being upset with him, however, sometimes in life we need to decide who is going to be the bigger person. If you feel that he treats you or acts childishly then you need to calmly discuss that with him. If he starts acting up and yelling and cussing you tell him you're getting off the phone or leaving and do just that. You don't have to take that from him. You have some pretty strong descriptive words about him and it's obvious you don't get along. I would just encourage you to remember that the most important person in this situation is your daughter and taking care of her should be everyone's first responsibility.

Ironic. I just read this post following my post about how I am a ball of snot and tears due to the fact that my daughter's father is not spending enough time with her.

I think it's absolutely wonderful that you love spending time with your daughter. You are a great mom!

Keep in mind, though, that it's not all about you...It's about your daughter. I haven't heard why she doesn't deserve the chance to build a relationship with her father. If he wants to spend time with her, and assuming that he is not abusive or neglectful with her, then you owe it to your daughter to encourage that to happen.

Just my thoughts, you know. Seems you and I are at the opposite ends of the spectrum right now.

Ok. Let me sum him up.

-He told me he wanted custody when we broke up (the baby wasn't even born yet)
-Last summer I was on maternity leave and he did not help me with the baby at all. I told him the baby needed a stroller and he told me he was not going to get one because he knew I would have to carry her.
-I encouraged him to see her when she was younger. He would pick her up and bring her back if her thought I was going out.
-He told me to not have any guys around my child (but he has a gf). And I know not to bring just and guy around my daughter.
-He told me he would never get a job because he will never pay me child support (he works jobs that pay him cash)
-His gf tried to jump me when I was holding my baby when she was two months old because he told her that I was speaking badly of her only because he told me she was talking about me. (drama king)
-He may have another child around the same age as mine but won't claim it because "thats too much child support" and admitted to claiming mine because he wanted to be in my life.
-He told everyone in his family not to do anything for the baby (and they didn't)because I would not let him see her (which was a lie, he wanted to come by my house anytime he felt like it, he hates boundaries).
-He will paint his car and buy rims for it but won't buy his daughter shoes.
-He lets other women buy my child things (he is a big user).
-He said he would rather be a stay at home dad on welfare.
-He lets his buddies from jail stay at his home.
-My baby is hungry when he brings her back (he does not feed her).
-He stalks me at school.
-He keeps guns around.
-He threatened to hit my baby because he was in her face teasing her and she slapped him so he would stop.
-Told me his gf was pregnant and she wasn't. Just did that to hurt my feelings.
-Plays with my emotions. Wants me and his gf and the same time and I tell him that I don't honor that (even tho' she was the one who he cheated on me with) and he throws a fit.
-He has disrespected my mom and my older sister by cussing at them because they tell him to not treat me so bad.
-I have an order of protection against him.
-His own mother said she thinks he has the devil in him and that he has "issues."
-He told me that he has a "problem."
-He does not pay bills on time and is constantly moving.
-He cannot keep friends.
-He borrowed $600.00 from me and said he will never pay me back (we were together when I loaned it to him).
-He rides around with his car club but pays no child support and won't work.
-He buys himself clothes and shoes and won't buy the baby anything.
-He says his bills are more important than the baby's needs and that I can get her things.
-Took me to court 5 times in the last year over trivial matters.
-Harrassed me on my job.
-Hit me in front of the baby and tried to throw me down the steps.
-Pulled a gun on my sister.
-Lied in court under oath to the judge saying that he had an internship this summer to reduce the child support payments that he isn't paying anyway.
-I had to change my number because he would call several times a day and wanted to know what I was doing THEN ask about the baby.
-Now he has changed his number and I have to talk to a guy I don't even know about my child (this is his third party). He won't answer when he has my baby.
(and most of this happened in the past year!!!)

Now would any of you let him watch your kids? Probably not. Why should I have to let my baby go just because he is related by blood?

He became such a loser AFTER we broke up and my daughter came. I have every right to be mad.

So do I need to go on...and trust me this message would be soooo long. Now what do I do? He is stuck in my life and I have to deal with him and his gf and he won't go away. Any advice now? I think he may be a sociopath after all this but he has not been evaluated. I want his parental rights taken away.

I wish he was a good father and I felt comfortable with just letting my daughter go with him but he isn't and I grew up he day the nurse put her in my arms. Why can't he?

Hello,

I see you're getting a lot of feedback from the others on the site. I did want to comment on this item, however:

quote:

Originally posted by 2precious1s:
I have went to court for child support and he refuses to pay. Just because I have an order doesn't mean that he is going to pay.

My ex didn't hold to her child support order either (as tiny as it was). She'd be out of work for awhile, and the first bill she'd be "unable" to pay was the CS. Uggh, but then I'd see new CDs in her car or new clothes...or hear about her being out at the bar...it'd just **** me off so bad.

It turned out to be easy to get the order enforced, however. I called the state's Child Support Enforcement agency, and without even visiting their office I was able to get *them* to start collecting the money. I looked up the Illinois CSE agency; this seems to be the info you need to start getting CS from your ex -> http://www.ilchildsupport.com/helpus.html

I hope this helps, and welcome to the site.

Later,
Bobby

Okay first off, the following is simply my opinion about what you have provided. I am not meaning to criticize or tell you how to raise your child or to deal with your ex and his gf but more of some things to think about.

On child support. First off, if he was ordered to pay child support and he is NOT paying child support, then he has violated the court order. The court should be notified of this and they will go after him. Whether or not he has a job child support is still due and it gets racked up and accumulates when he doesn't pay. I dont know about Illinois, the link Bobby posted should be helpful, but in Michigan if someone doesn't pay child support and the payee is notifies the court of same, then the court will summons the payor for a hearing. Your ex in this instance would then have to attend the hearing and if he did not, then they would issue a warrant for his arrest. He could lose his driver's license, and have jail time for not paying support, although those are usually the last punishments that happen. Also, does your court order say anything about health insurance, providing everyday things such as clothing, food, etc. and who is to provide what? If not, I suggest you get it amended to be more specific.

Does your ex have grounds to have custody of your daughter? Does he have anything that he can use in court to prove that you are an unfit parent? If you have full custody and he gets visitation, then unless your child is in danger, I would say dont interfere with him seeing your daughter. If when you drop off or pick up your daughter, you have fights or something, then ask the court to set a neutral meeting place so that witnesses are present. I think the Friend of the Court would probably be able to suggest some places and help with the arrangements.

Not to offend but it I agree with My 3 Boys . . . it does sound like you have a lot of anger. While I dont think that you are not entitled to your anger, you should use it constructively. If someone is a bad parent, sooner or later they end up screwing up and hanging themselves and courts do NOT like it when parents disobey their rulings. So . . . do what you can to be amicable and leave your feelings out of it. Unless your daughter is in harms way, I would try to put your feelings aside where your daughter is concerned. No offense but just because someone only sees their child a few times a month does not make them a bad parent. That alone applies to some of the dads here and they are wonderful dads from what I can see, their lives simply dont permit them to have their children 24/7. Every situation is different.

I know that a single parent situation can be tough and I can't imagine what it would be like to have to deal with someone else. I personally dont have an ex that I deal with, I am strictly a single parent 24/7, 365. Anyway, keep your chin up and remember that before you take any drastic actions, that your daughter should be number one on your list to take care of. Everything you do will effect her. I mean EVERYTHING! So choose your words, fights and wars carefully. Most importantly: enjoy being a mom! Enjoy the time you have to spend with your daughter and make sure you never lose sight of that.

Its good though that you have come here to vent and get advice, people here are wonderful. Some of them are like family for me.

I'm sorry if I offended you at all but sometimes you have to have people or someone outside of the situation to brings things to mind so that you start thinking in a different direction.

Thank you for clarifying. Now I can say that yeah having him spent more time with her is an issue and if you have it documented the things he's done then he quite possibly shouldn't be spending any time alone with her. I would be upset as well. I would definitely look in to the information regarding child support payments, if he can't/won't pay them then I'm sure you have legal action you can take. As for the girlfriend I would have as little interaction with her as possible and I would also let him know that you need a direct contact number for him when your daughter is with him. I'm sure you can have the courts mandate that as well in case of an emergency. Good luck and let us know how things turn out.

I agree, thanks for clarifying and giving the additional details. You do need to start documenting everything, you have an order of protection - is that the same as a restraining order ?, you need to limit your communications with this mutt to only what is strictly necessary concerning your child - and also document any other contact he tries to initiate with you for harassment reasons. You may want to seek out help as well to help with the anger issues. It is all about your daughter, and I wish you the best at finding ways to resolve this difficult situation for her sake.

like sarah i thankfully do not have an ex to deal with and i have Faith 24/7/365 one of my biggest fears is having to deal with 'him' wanting to see faith one day.

there are lots and lots of issues here and i am in no way qualified to assess or advise. what i would caution you with though - what jumps off my monitor - is to keep your personal hurt away from your daughter's best interest. kids are so often used as pawns in relationships between exes. it is wrong.

my ex would lie so his kids would be home with us instead of skiing in vermont with their mom - because it was "his" weekend and he refused to switch for her convenience again. wrong. the kids missed a ski weekend because he was being punitive and stubborn.

i am not saying that you are doing that, but based on my reaction to your words, it is all too new and too raw and too painful for you to separate the two and i fear your child will be caught in the crossfire.

i learned a lot while in therapy and if it is accessible to you, i'd encourage you to try it. a 3rd person's view on things is wonderful and thier view is always going to be in your best interest. not always what you want to hear mind you, but in your best interest for sure.

i'd just be careful, being a jerk to you does not make him a bad parent to his child...

Welcome to the site precious, I'm sorry that you are going through all of this. Believe it or not, most of us have been through some of this, and I bet all of us have at least some anger to work through. We don't know everything and can't judge you, we only want to share and hope that it helps. When we bring up your anger, we aren't saying that you don't have a good reason, it's just that anger will only hurt you and so letting go of it is essential to your health.

You need to filter out his behaviors that affect you, and then set boundaries and stand up for yourself on those behaviors. Enforce the child support order, get on his A (in a firm but polite way) for not bathing and feeding your child, and don't let him pry his way into your life. For example, you and him can discuss your daughter, otherwise he has no business talking to you. Don't let him bait you into personal conversations. Other things he does that don't effect you and your daughter you need to let go of, they are outside of your control and getting wrapped up over them only hurts you. For example, he can sleep with every woman (or man) in the city and that's his business.

What I do, and it may or may not help you, is I think of my ex as a co-worker. Anything she does outside of work doesn't affect me. I'm not her friend or best bud, I'm not responsible for her happiness in any way, but I have to work with her as best I can to get the job done.

In terms of child support. The judge we have is gullible and he makes everyone feel sorry for him and he outright lies. I know he does not want to pay so I will carry the financial burden. My own father did this. He payed child support a few times and stopped. My ex will definately risk jail, it's not like he has never been there before.

If I am wrong please help me understand because this is what I am gathering from what I hear people (not just the posters on here but from lawyers, etc)....(not talking about all fathers and I can only speak from a mother's point of view. I don't know what it's like to be a father.) Really, I'm not trying to offend anyone so please know that I am not downing anyone. I am just saying how I interpret the family laws and what people tell me.

1) An abuser can be a great father
2) The child's bond with an abusive father is more important than a) the child's bond with the caring mother b) the child's safety c) the child's emotional well-being and understanding
3) When the father harrasses the mother it is always important for the mother to deal with her issues so he can see the child regardless of all of the emotional harm.
4) Abusive fathers don't need counseling because they are not held accountable for their actions anyway. It only matters that they want to be a part of their kid's lives
5) Family laws are based on the POTENTIAL of men being good fathers and more in favor of the father's rights as oppsosed to the "best interests of the child"
6) All children are at risk for being unfit adults if they don't spend great amount of time with the other parent under any circumstance.
7) Kids will always be more stable if they know both parents than if they witness verbal, physical, and emotional abuse.
8) Non-payment of child support and the lack of care for a child should be overlooked if the father wants to see the child.
9) Mothers are vindictive and fathers are not. Most men just want to see their children and move on from the past (which is very easy if you are an abuser) and this is ALWAYS the best thing to do. But mothers keep the kids away to punish him and this happens too often(even tho the mother is trying to protect her kids).
10) Being bounced back and forth from house to house is the best way to raise children when the parents are not together. Kids just love being in unpredictable environments.
11) Being a responsible father includes taking your child away from their mother and letting your gf or wife help you instead of keeping your family intact if possible.
12) A mother's character is more important than the father's character.
13) A judge (a complete stranger) knows what's best for your kids.
14) Men don't get scared of responsibility and leave when a woman gets pregnant and even if he does he is still a good dad for seeing the kid even tho its harder being in the household than out of the household thus leaving the mother with most of the responsibilty still (waking up in the middle of the night, etc)
15) If my daughter has a man that actually treats her like a father should he still means nothing because he is not her biological father.
16) Men don't change for the worse sometimes after the baby comes and become possessive, angry, controlling.
17) It's my fault for making him a dad because I should have known better. I should have known he would be a lousy dad. And now that I know, it's too late and we all have to suffer.
18) Situations like mine never happen to married people.

!!!

LOL!! I hope you guys found some humor in that. My statements also had a certain level of sarcasm. I started laughing as I was typing because once I put it in perspective, it became funny! Everyone is entitled to their beliefs but I guess I'm just different from most people. But when I hear that my daughter needs a father, these are the things that go through my mind. And I can't be alone in my thinking. I understand that things are not fair to good fathers but I just feel a certain level of resentment when I am doing what I am supposed to do and he has the nerve to treat me like ****, put my child in danger, and everyone feels sorry for him and thinks he deserves to see her.


AND he could NEVER say I am an unfit mother. I have never done anything to my child other than care for like I'm supposed to. I do have help. My mom babysits and my friends help me while he does NOTHING but make my life hard. HE is using her as a pawn. When she was really young I had an extra car seat and bassinet I told him to keep with him but he refused them and then said I wouldn't let him see her!!! And come on here to vent because I am being the RESPONSIBLE parent and I ignore him and I will continue doing so but it is sooooo frustrating. Yes @ Laurie, I wish I did not have to deal with him. If I knew what I know now. I would have moved when I was pregnant. Children are gifts and he should be honored to be a father (I gave her his last name and everything. He also told me if I didn't he would have nothing to do with her. So, if I didn't want nothing to do with him I could have sealed the deal then but I DID want my daughter to know her dad). When the other parent may do more harm than good, when would you draw the line????

Hi precious and welcome to the forum. It's not that we don't understand where you're coming from, we do. I believe what people are trying to say is just that....we understand the anger and considering the circumstances you're talking about you would probably do better to channel that anger towards making a change in the circumstances. If he's a danger to your child take legal action to change it. You can ask for supervised visitation, parenting classes etc. if you present proof of these things to a judge they might create a court order for it. Also having child support directed to be paid through the child support enforcement agency so that they will handle all collections and enforcement of penalties for non payment...it doesn't cost you anything and it'll take at least that much off your plate to have to deal with. It's perfectly fine to come here and vent this stuff out, then take action......

I know for a fact that the system can be ineffective or downright broken (I once had a judge scoff at me when I was seeking a civil restraining order for an abuser...even though I had a document from CPS saying that allegations were substantiated against the person and the case was a concern enough to be forwarded to the District Attorney's office...the judge insisted on a witness to the document and when we met again for this, wouldn't even hear the witness! Plus, I asked the police social worker/interviewer to come as a witness in addition, and found out later I had to pay $$$ for her time. AND it ended up being a mutual order (so I lost my freedoms even though I didn't do anything wrong) so next time I'm going to follow better advice and go through FAMILY court. Live and learn. As for the dad (a different person than the situation above...and dad didn't do anything to help protect, in fact he hindered the legal protective efforts), a restraining order was stipulated out, and the courts will force a child to have a relationship and generally don't care what the children want until they are 14...so the court social worker made an incorrect judgement because she thought I was lying...and they don't allow any mistakes in judgement to be corrected nor allow any false information to be corrected...so we are stuck and my daughter was very angry that the law didn't care about her protection). I know people can lie and play the system because they don't want the consequences, and ultimately, kids pay the price. You have to be strong, Mom. Lick your wounds, stick up for what you know is right (controlling your emotions at the same time!) Use the system for how far it will actually go for you...it's not perfect but it is SOMEthing.
It seems from what you said that your ex is a controlling, manipulative ***-addict and when you gain the strength and support to deal with his dominating personality effectively, you will be much better off in other life situations, too, rather than choosing to play any victim role. Don't expect some guy to rescue you, either; that could be a HUGE mistake. Just trust a higher power and know that things will work out, somehow. They do. Support comes in all forms. Hang in there; you're not alone.
I FIRMLY believe that when you are determined to make a better life for yourself and willing to grow as a person, your life will change for the better and you will be richly rewarded. Be patient; things take time. I am dealing with this myself and my advice is to both of us: keep your chin up, be grateful for the support you DO have (it could certainly be worse!), keep growing as a person, pray and just keep doing what you need to do.
Specifically, how I do things is that I basically only give our children to him when I am LEGALLY REQUIRED to do so (I think liars and abusers are bad influences...even if children are very young). But I do my best to play nice and be cooperative without letting him know what I think about him...I just trust that he'll have to face himself when he's ready, and it would only make communication worse if he hears it from me prematurely.