For those of you whose ex doesn't take an active role in your child/ren's lives:

How do you do it? How do you go months or years at a time with no break? How do you keep from just snapping?

I don't know if I'm just in dire need of meds or what, but tonight I'm getting more and more depressed. I haven't had a night without my children in 9 months, and I just need a break, a night to myself to just relax, to breathe.

I'm so stressed out I'm in tears, and I don't want to take it out on them, I love my kids.

What do I do?

LOL...Well, my kids are older...so the "letting go" phase started a little while back...but, I take hours from them off at a time...and even at that...I miss them.

I decide sometimes that it's worth the money, and get a babysitter. Actually, I've done it only twice in 5 years, and that was for business trips. Which means, each business trips costs me a fortune of course. I had a babysitter who stayed the night at my house (actually, she stayed there with her boyfriend, so it was almost like a little family), and a friend who came by in the evening. It went fine.
Doesn't your older child stay at friend's places overnight yet ? If you had only the little one, that would already be easier, wouldn't it ?! Just an idea

quote:

Doesn't your older child stay at friend's places overnight yet ? If you had only the little one, that would already be easier, wouldn't it ?! Just an idea

Yes, he does sometimes on the weekend, and I use that time to do special things with my little girl just to make her feel special too since she's not old enough to spend the night with friends. It makes it a littl easier, I agree.

I have not had a night off since last June and that was a business trip. Fortunately, I live with my mother so she takes care of the kids when I am gone. BUT, I have not had a night off to recreate since last July. before that it had been 3 years. I can't even go to the store without my kids unless it is after they go to bed, and then I don't want to go...LOL!

I use my time at work as my 'away' time from the kids. When I was in college, that was my additional 'away' time. When you work full-time you do not see your kids much anyway.

Hang in there, it will get better.

I stopped the burn out this last fall. I said enough was enough..if I don't take care of me how can I care for my kids?

So I started begging my brother (who didn't use to live in the state but moved back 2 yrs ago) and my father and my mother too to take the kids for an evening or an hour or two. They saw me have a mental breakdown Jan 06, so they are more willing to help now.

Don't let yourself get to that point.

Oh, and I have to disagree that "work" should be your "you" time. I don't know about anyone else, but work adds to my stress not the other way around. Even if you have a 40 hour work week, try to get 2 hours or more to yourself at least once a month if not more!!!!

I have a couple suggestions:
I used to live in a city where I had no family, so I had to find ways of getting some time. And, really, you need to. If you aren't taking time to get out by yourself, you will burn out. And then all your good intentions toward your kids wont do you any good if you are just worn out and frassled.

One thing I did was I met other mothers. Some single moms, some just stay at home moms without husbands who were involved (who are often just as tired and stressed as single moms). You need to obviously get to know people that you can trust, but I had a few friends who would switch off with me babysitting. I'd take their kids for a few hours or they'd take mine. I used that time not to do housework or busywork, but to just go window shopping or have coffee somewhere. Whatever you enjoy (I didn't have much money, so windowshopping and coffee were about it). I met people at work and at a play group I took my daughter to.

I also hired babysitters once in a while. I found responsible teenage girls in my area, who had completed babysitting courses and who had watched kids for people I knew. They are not that expensive, and good for going out for a few hours. Maybe to dinner with a friend or to a movie or something.

I think we sometimes start to think that taking time for ourselves or spending money on ourselves is unnecessary or selfish. But, you give so much as a mother and you really need to do something to replenish yourself. What's good for you is good for your kids.

Good Luck.

My ex for awhile there wasn't seeing her at all (long story), he used to take her Wed & Sat nights every week. I was seriously starting to go insane, really needing a break. My parents pulled through like you wouldn't believe without me even having to ask. They decided to take her every wed night. Even though my ex is now back to taking her on Saturday nights, my parents insist on keeping her on Wed. nights to give me a mid-week break. I admit I'm lucky to have them (my mom watches my daughter full time also while I work during the week). I think part of the reason for the offer though is my daughter would ask every DAY if she could stay at my parents and after a few weeks of that, they offered to just have the set day. Aside from that, I don't ever get a babysitter. One, I can't afford it and two, I don't have a life lol Sad to say it but my boyfriend and I are homebodies. If we do anything with friends, it's always at my house. Ok, I'm done rambling now

You really are lucky to have parents like that.

I have no relationship with my father, haven't since I was 6 and my parents split. He simply dropped out of my life one day, no reasoning.

My mother is a nursing professor at a local community college, works as a nurse on the weekends, and is in grad-school part time, so she has NO time to spend with the kids. I only see her about every 2 to 3 months. Her husband was very abusive to me as a child/teen, so I don't like having my kids around him most of the time anyway, so that's really ok with me that she doesn't have time.

My ex now lives with his mother again, and she has never been one to take the kids overnight. I don't know if he will ever take the kids overnight so long as he lives there. He generally just makes excuses, "I don't have time. I've got stuff to do." Really? Stuff? Sounds important.

I'm just hoping he gets hit in the head or something and finally realizes what he's doing by staying away from the kids. He's alienating himself from them, and he's the only one really losing out. They're so used to it that sometimes I think they forget he exists unless I mention him!

Can we just start some kind of deserted island colony for all of the deadbeat ex's out there who do this to their kids?

The only time I have had any alone time without Isaac was when he was in the hospital at Belmont. That was for a month and I was so upset, worried, and frustrated that I didn't enjoy it a bit.
My mother does live nearby but she cannot keep him overnight because of his behavior. She has watched him for me though about 3 or 4 times over the last year. I got dinner and a movie. This was good for me but how I would like to have a full night. I try not to think about it. Good luck. Jen.

I completely understand your situation...my mother raised me as a single parent and I remember her going through the same thing you are...isolation: feeling no one understands your needs, feelings and concerns and completely alone...among other worries such as health, money and time freedom. As a child I remember seeing my mother go what you are going through and I remember it so well because it was a painful situation for me to watch. My father is a deadbeat dad. I found him when I was 25 years old..never even knew he existed.
The advice I give to single parents because they are most likely to go through circumstantial depressions which can lead to clinical depression is this: fitness and nutrition are your number one priority before anything. I think you will agree that if you are not there mentally and physically it can be very emotionally painful right? I would strongly suggest creating this balance in your life first among all things....next would be getting your finances in order (easier said than done...I know been there). Starting with a very inexpensive fitness program is absolutely a necessity in your life and a sure way to combat fatigue and depression. One hour daily...forget doing every monday or wednesday it is harder to keep those goals. Including them daily irregardless of what happens is your priority...Once this balance is created we can focus on other things to create more balance in your life to find you the time freedom. With that extra energy you will find I promise you will get there...if you have any obstacles doing so, please let me know..I know life circumstances can bring a person down.
Miranda at singleparent-youthcoach@hotmail.com

I never heard of a job that didn't carry any stress...if someone found it, please let me know. hehehe

Miranda

My job isn't VERY stressful. I'm a freelance accountant. I go into people's homes and help them get their finances in order, enter all of their banking and personal information into the financial software of their choice, and bring their accounts up to date. Then I either maintain the balances once a week per client or teach them to maintain it themselves.

I actually enjoy doing this type of work. I posted an ad on Craigslist and got a lot of responses from people who needed help with either their personal finances or a small business/home-based business that they needed to get their money organized with.

Most of my clients' main problem is that they don't know how much money they have! They have boxes of receipts and check books and bank statements, but they can't seem to balance them.

That's what I do.

Sounds like a rewarding job. I like anything to do with money myself, but I am more of a creator than working with numbers so people like me need people like you.

Wow... I've been complaining about the same thing recently on and off for 10 years now. It made me think about the resentment i feel from the lack of responsibility my ex showed the past 10 years.

What seems to work, and I did this unintentionally when I became fustrated, was to show my family and my ex's family how they were giving up their chance to bond and to know their family. Their response seemed to say "it's hard being a single mom... you don't have a life." When I'm in a good relationship with a good man... all the sudden they ask to be a part of our life. Weekend barbeques, sleepovers, my sister will even volunteer to plant flowers and watch the kids.

I remember my ex sister-in-law saying, "why should my husband spend his weekend time with your boys because their father wouldn't.", why should I go to your sons' boy scouts meeting, why should i take them to the HS football game with their friends....etc... and I answer, because you would have made a difference I couldn't and their dad chose not to, and left it to that. Its not much effort but it means a lot to them. (yes i went to these events, they just didn't seem to want a mom there)

I have yet changed my approach to family again, and still try not to be bitter. I try to say, I want my boys to know what an awsome uncle (aunt, grandpa, grandma) you are and it seems like time is slipping away. (and bite my tongue from saying, "too bad you're not doing anything about it) because i don't really want them to be with my boys out of guilt. It seems to spark some interest in building a healthy relationship with them.

My ex is part of the girls life when it's convient for him (which is hardly ever). I have no parents and my sister lives 1 hour away. My ex-mil won't watch the girls at all. Matter of fact when I was in labor with dd2 and asked her to watch dd1 she said no. I think it was about a year or so ago that I took a step back from my life and decided that I really needed to take some time for myself. I go out about once a month with my girlfriends and one of my friends daughter will babysit.

Good Luck!