Let’s see – I need some advice. I am at a complete loss as what to do with my daughters father. I am hoping that someone may have been through a similar situation and can provide me with some insight.

Here’s the basics: I have a 7 year old daughter. Her father lives out of state. We (or I should say “I”) have tried to keep things as amicable as possible. Neither one of us at the time could afford attorney’s so we decided to try and keep things between us and out of the court system. Plus I just didn’t have it in me to fight with him at the time. Well, over the last 7 years he has only seen her a handful of times, calls sporadically, pays child support when he feels like it (and never what we agreed upon.) He’s about 5yrs behind in child support all in the all. My daughter knows him enough to know that she loves her father. But that’s it. She rarely speaks about him and rarely brings up the desire to see him. When she does it’s only when he stirs up the pot, so to speak. He tells her he sent her presents that mysteriously never get here. He tells her that he will call the next week and never does. He tells her that he will have her for the holiday and we don’t hear from him for a year. I finally gave up trying to remain amicable with him last summer and decided to get all of this legally binding. Well, it’s almost a year now – nothing to show for it except $8000.00 in legal fees. This week is my last attempt to try and get anything done with it. He is sitting on the papers and not sending anything back. Which is pretty par for the course. Here’s my dilemma – if he does not return the papers this time I have more than enough (according to the laws of Texas) to sever his parental rights. Which I have been advised to do by my attorney and the judge in our case. But, that is a HUGE decision to make for me. It would be easier if he was an abuser, an addict, a criminal … SOMETHING. But he’s not. He’s just an A**hole. On one hand, I can’t help but think my daughter would be better off because then he wouldn’t be flying in and out of her life, messing her up. Every time he does something it takes me weeks to get her settled down from it. And, quite frankly, I am exhausted from it. But, yet, he is her father and nothing will change that. And I have been hoping against hope (foolish of me I know) that he will realize what havoc he is creating for his child and own up to his responsibilities by being a father to her. I could care less about the child support – I make my own money and have been very comfortably taking care of us on my own this whole time.

I don’t know what to do. I can argue both sides of this situation to myself all day but I’m not getting anywhere close to a decision. Some days I just want to say screw it and have it done. Other days the thought makes me cry. All I do know that is that something needs to become of it because I'm tired. I'm tired of making excuses for him to his daughter. I'm tired of him blaming everyone but himself for being a lousy father.

If anyone can offer some advice or personal experience I would love to hear it.

What does your daughter say about the situation?

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What does your daughter say about the situation?

Well, of course, I haven't discussed this particular issue with her. But, when the subject is broached about her visiting him, she doesn't want to. She wants to see him but doesn't want to for more than a couple hours. I get the "Can't we meet him for dinner and then go home after?" Which, obviously can't work because he lives in another state. When they talk on the phone it usually is less than two minutes and ends when she just puts the phone down. The only time that she really gets emotional about anything is when he starts making her promises and doesn't follow through with them. Other than that, she doesn't even mention him. When we talked about her visiting him this summer she flat out said she didn't want to. I know part of that had to do with the fact that she wants to go to Girl Scout camp this summer and visitation would conflict with that. But, if wanted to see her dad that much she wouldn't care about camp.

I would ask her how she would feel if you two did not hear from him at all anymore. If she doesn't really care, then make your decision based on that.

I would be very concerned what kind of an effect this is having on her. If this is a negative relationship and it is only causing her heartach I would be concerned about continueing this.

Is it possible to have a talk with him and tell him if he continues to not call when he says he is going to and not show when he says he is going to that he may loose her. This kind of stuff is doing damage. It may not be all at once it may be piece by piece but we all know how those pieces add up.

I hope you can make the right decision for your daughter and you. Good luck with this one.

Read the posts under the subject "Without a Father" I think it will help you too.

Yvette - we have to a certain extent talked about it. She's asked me why we don't hear from him very much. I used to make excuses and say he was working a lot. Now I just plainly say that I don't know. And for all intents and purposes, I don't know. I don't know what would make a parent not want to have contact with their child. She'll ask me a few questions after that but pretty much just shrugs her shoulders and moves onto another subject.

Butterfly - I have talked to him about it. We have gotten into some real "talks" about it. I'll tell him what he is doing to her, he promises he'll start making more of an effort ... then nothing. Unfortunately, we are now way past the point of being able to talk about anything with each other. It's even gotten to the point where it's so bad, I now have had to tell him that if he calls for any other reason than to speak with his daughter, he has to do so through my attorney. He gets very ugly. Fortunately, for him especially! cuz I'd come unglued, he keeps his talks with her good. He doesn't ever say anything bad to her.

I am aware of the damage that either decision is going to have on her. If I let him continue to do what he's been doing to her then this will never stop and she will continue to be hurt time and time again. If I sever all rights of his - then I am also taking the chance that someday he may pull his head out of his *** and bone up to be a dad. Which hurts my daughter too because it's her right to have a father. And, for better or worse, that is her father.

Ugh, I am so confused. You know what really gets me? He has remarried and has a stepson and another son with his wife. He takes care of them. He does stuff with them. But when it comes to his daughter - he doesn't do anything. I know that he can be a dad if he chooses to be a dad. I see it with his family. He just chooses not to be a dad to her. Is it because he's angry at me and is taking it out on her? That's screwed up but I can't help but wonder. And he doesn't have the right to be angry at me. I have bent over backwards for all these years trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. Allowing him to take advantage of the situation. That's my mistake for doing it for so long. Hindsight is 20/20 sometimes.

What a horrible situation for you to be in. But here's my two cents' worth. Everytime her dad makes promises and doesn't follow through, she's learning that that's what she can expect from men in her life. Although the heartache she'll experience if his parental rights were terminated can't be overlooked, it might not do the kind of damage this back-and-forth is doing to her. The training she's getting now from him could really rear its ugly head when she's older. But if her father's rights were severed, what would she learn from that? Probably that she was worth it to you to fight for her, that she (following your example) can stand on her own two feet, and that when people don't treat you with respect and love and care, and only bring you pain, no matter who they are, you don't owe them anything.

I hope whatever decision you make brings you some peace and that your daughter will grow up knowing what a great, caring and trustworthy mom she's got. If her dad wakes up years from now and kicks himself for not doing a better job and remaining her father, that won't be your fault. He'll have only himself to blame -- you've given him more than enough chances to step up.

Hmm, I think you have already made the decision in your mind but it just hurts your heart.

Though I don't think he will change his ways.

The situation is tough because this man sounds like he is not sure if he is in his daughters life or not. There's one thing i know, our kids are not ignorant, sometimes they know what we are going through, just be open with her,she will understand. As for the ( father ) he does not deserve you or the little girl.One thing you can not do is to deny the fact that he is the biological father for your child, but to me it sounds like that is all he is.

quote:

Originally posted by ellamac:
Yvette - we have to a certain extent talked about it. She's asked me why we don't hear from him very much. I used to make excuses and say he was working a lot. Now I just plainly say that I don't know. And for all intents and purposes, I don't know. I don't know what would make a parent not want to have contact with their child. She'll ask me a few questions after that but pretty much just shrugs her shoulders and moves onto another subject.

Butterfly - I have talked to him about it. We have gotten into some real "talks" about it. I'll tell him what he is doing to her, he promises he'll start making more of an effort ... then nothing. Unfortunately, we are now way past the point of being able to talk about anything with each other. It's even gotten to the point where it's so bad, I now have had to tell him that if he calls for any other reason than to speak with his daughter, he has to do so through my attorney. He gets very ugly. Fortunately, for him especially! cuz I'd come unglued, he keeps his talks with her good. He doesn't ever say anything bad to her.

I am aware of the damage that either decision is going to have on her. If I let him continue to do what he's been doing to her then this will never stop and she will continue to be hurt time and time again. If I sever all rights of his - then I am also taking the chance that someday he may pull his head out of his *** and bone up to be a dad. Which hurts my daughter too because it's her right to have a father. And, for better or worse, that is her father.

Ugh, I am so confused. You know what really gets me? He has remarried and has a stepson and another son with his wife. He takes care of them. He does stuff with them. But when it comes to his daughter - he doesn't do anything. I know that he can be a dad if he chooses to be a dad. I see it with his family. He just chooses not to be a dad to her. Is it because he's angry at me and is taking it out on her? That's screwed up but I can't help but wonder. And he doesn't have the right to be angry at me. I have bent over backwards for all these years trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. Allowing him to take advantage of the situation. That's my mistake for doing it for so long. Hindsight is 20/20 sometimes.

I really feel for you and for you situation. I don't have much else to offer you in the way of advice. I will ask you, can you get your daughter into counsiling. You did use the correct term though he is choosing to do this to her. This is his choice shame on him. I am so sorry for your daughter and you that he is doing this....

Wow. Thank all of you for your thoughts.

Jwriter - I have never thought about what the effects he is having on her as an adult to that extent. You're right. I have to take that into consideration when it comes to the point I have to make that decision. I know that whatever decision I make I will eventually have to answer to my daughter for.

It looks like I already have my answer as to whether or not he is going to do anything with the latest round of papers - last week was the decision making week. Though it's always possible for him to come back with something in the 11th hour.

I took advantage of the long weekend to spend some time with her and pick her brain to see what she is thinking. I am so happy she is getting old enough now to be able to express herself. She asked me something that kind of set me back on my heels a little bit. She asked me if it was possible to love her dad but not really like her dad. After a moment to get myself together again I told her that was very possible to feel that way. So, I asked her what she would do if she was given the choice to see him or not. She thought about it while we sat there and she finally said she would probably not want to see him but would want to see her little brother.

I guess I know where my daughter stands on the situation now. In some ways, it feels like she has given me permission to even consider terminating his rights. I still have a little bit for her and I to talk some more before I can legally file anything. And a little bit for any unanswered prayers to happen.

I wanted to thank all of you for your posts. They really did help me look at some things in a fresh perspective. I have a great support system here with my family and friends (the list is long on who wants to be named legally responsible for her if I terminate his rights) but none of them are single parents or ever been single parents. While they understand that it's no easy thing none of them really get what it's like.

Again, thank you so much. I hope all of you had a great Memorial Day weekend.

I've though about terminating my daughters father rights but get to think if he changes. Its very difficult situation to make. Sounds like she has mixture emotions.

my relationship with my father is somewhat like your daughter. We finally established a relationship when i went to college. There is always the chance he make up and realize he wants to be a father to his daughter.

I remember the conversation that i had with my father. He knows where I stand. he knows what i respect from him. End of the story. He knows .. i don't like breaken promises.

ok, i am pretty sleep deprived, so forgive me if i did not 'get' the essence of your post correctly. but my thoughts are to wonder what would you gain by severing his rights? why not go simpler and change your phone number to an unlisted number? if he then wishes to contact you and/or your beautiful daughter, he'll have to go through an attorney or mail something to you - from what you've said, that is unlikely.

i tend to overworry and overthink a lot in my life. in the back of my mind lingers the fear, what if something bad happens medically? what if my daughter needs bone marrow or a kidney or something that only a biological relative can provide and i've either already provided or cant for some reason. or what if something happened that you became financially unstable and really needed child support? no he is not paying it now, but you said you dont really need it and you had not really gone after it previously. of course you hope it never happens, but if ot were me, it would provide me with some comfort that it exists just in case.

i dont know, it is not me. i just think i'd try something less drastic initially.

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my thoughts are to wonder what would you gain by severing his rights?

I don't think there is anything to "gain" by terminating his rights. If I choose to terminate his rights, it would be for the sole purpose of lessening the hurt he causes my daughter every time he goes AWOL, every time he lies to her. And all contact, as of this moment, is through my attorney. He doesn't even attempt to contact her. It's been two years since he has seen his daughter. I'm still hoping that he will bone up and be a dad. Last week was the week he should have had a decision made. Haven't heard anything from him.

Medically speaking...yes, there is that chance that something will occur that requires his assistance. And if that does occur then he will be contacted regardless of whether or not his rights were terminated. And he can refuse whether or not he is legally her father. If he was going to refuse based on his relationship with his daughter - he'd refuse now.

Financially speaking - yes, something could happen to me tomorrow. But it would take something of magnitude to get us to the point of where I need assistance. And even then the avenues I have for support are pretty deep.

I have thought about just moving and changing my number. But, unfortunately, in the eyes of the Texas legal system I would be at fault. It is considered interferring with a parent/child relationship. Contact solely through an attorney does not provide direct contact needed for a "healthy" (LOL) parent/child relationship. I can't even refuse to put her on the phone when he calls. And if I didn't answer the phone then that could come back on me too.

My whole point in all of this is to stop the tears. If I can figure out how to do that without severing his rights, I will. But I can't allow him to break her heart every time he stirs things up. He may not have seen her for two years. But he calls (infrequently) and makes all these promises to her that he doesn't keep.

Well...I can totally understand hou you feel. My friend has met the similar situation. But what I want to say it that others can not really help you to handle it. So think twice before you take action.

Oh, I've thought twice ... again and again. I know no one can help me handle it. I'm just trying to get fresh perspectives from people who aren't as close to it as I am.