How do you explain to your kids why their father doesn't care about them? My 10 year old is having a hard time with the abandonment and is constantly asking me if I love her and if I will ever leave her. Of course, I reassure her that I will always be there for her. How do I make him understand that being a father is more than just a title? He is confident that one day the kids will forgive him and they will have a great relationship from that point on. How sad is that? To think that oh well, they'll come around to me. He doesn't deserve them and deep down inside of me I wish my kids would turn their backs on him forever. However, I know they won't 'cause I've raised them to be loving and forgiving human beings and I've done a darn good job thus far.

Sorry, just had to let those thoughts out before they consumed and poisoned my heart.

Hey Sweetie~ I haven't dealt with this too much yet (my little ones are 2 and 5.)
Have you explained to her that people have different ways of showing their love? An that some people don't see the importance of family or have the same values?
More so, have you explained to him that she is wondering? As far as I can tell, if a man doesn't realize the importance of being a father early on, they won't ever realize it.

I'm sorry your daughter and you have to go through these emotional thoughts because of him.

Hugs and prayers to you all.

MJ, the only thing I've told her is that just because someone is not with you doesn't mean that they don't love you. I do not mention his name or make reference to him. And no, I haven't told him that she is wondering because I am tempted to tell him that she thinks that he's a nobody (out of the blue she told me that she is starting to think that her daddy is a nobody - I can't even describe the emotions I went through with that comment).

I avoid all communication with him because he doesn't want to listen to what I have to say and it's always him insulting me on the phone. So sadly, the cooperative phone parenting that I had my heart set on with him did not happen.

He just doesn't want any part of it.

Well, same here (as Melissa Jo). My son is only 3.
I am thinking, I will try and tell him, well, he has no Daddy at home (that's the way he says it, and I think it's kind of well expressed), but he does have a Daddy, who is far away, just as he has other family, far away as well. And they all care, but can't be there very often.

I don't think it's worth trying to change the father. He is the way he is.

There will be a relationship between the child and the father, even if this is based on 2 phone calls per year, but that relationship is between the 2 of them, I should not influence it more than necessary (well, difficult at age 3, but maybe possible at age 10 ?).

The best I have come up with concerning my foster children is that sometimes people including adults get messed up. They sometimes loose track of what is really important and even though they love very much sometimes have a hard time showing it and following through. In my case addictions are a major problem and I try to explain what an addiction is and how hard it is to stay away from it. I try to explain it in a manner in which the child will hopefully stay away from drugs and alchohal also.
Regardless of what you say or the circumstances the child is hurt in the end. The best you can do is be there for them and understand their pain. They will detach when and if they are ready or need to.
I wish you the best. I know how hard the situation can be.
God bless.

My daughter has never met her mother, and she's 3, but I've explained some of it to her. I told her that all families are different and some people have mommies and some don't. When she gets older I'm going to tell her that her mom just wasn't able to be a good mother and that's why she left, but if they both want a relationship, I won't deny them of that. I want it to be my daughter's choice once she gets older. I've had to make a lot of important decisions for her. If my ex doesn't want a relationship with my daughter, I'm going to ease my daughter into it and just explain that, again, some people are cut out for motherhood and since her mom wasn't, she felt it was best to let me raise her.

Mr. Ryan, I couldn't help but notice how young you are and with a 3 year old baby. I just want you to know that you rock. Thanks for your insight. I agree with you in respect to if your kid wants a relationship with the absent parent. I won't deny that to my daughter either if that is what she wants, just that right now it hurts me so bad to see her hurting over her daddy not wanting anything to do with her.

The hardest part was that I was seeing someone for 2 years and we split. He was pretty much a part of her life. Well, he is still a part of her life because he calls her and talks to her and has even come to see her. And this is an ex-boyfriend.... of course we are the best of friends now (and I mean that with all my heart) and he realizes how important he is in my daughter's life and promised me that he won't abandon her. You know, there are still angels on this earth and he is definitely one of them.

Sometimes I think that she compares my ex-boyfriend with her daddy and wonders why her daddy doesn't care.... I'm too much of a coward to ask her though. I don't want to stir anything up right now.

It's tuff to deal w/the missing parent that does not want to be a parent. My son is 8yrs old and has asked about "dad" since he was 2yrs. I've just told him that he should feel very specail b/c he has a special family. At this point his special family at home includes himslef,mom(me), his unborn bro or sis, his dog and his cat. Then we have grandma, grandpa and my stepdad. He is happy w/that to a point but still misses knowing his dad. At some point you have to just let it all go and let the kids come up w/their onw conclusions. I've done that w/my son and he just keeps that glimmer of hope going.

To be honest I'm still trying to deal w/all the questions and comments that come up. I've also made it quite clear to my son and his dad that dad can come see him when ever. I don't mind. Just let me know you're coming so I will be home. I've told dad to come visit and be a part of my son's life. But like you I can't make this man be a dad to my son nor can you make your X be a dad to your daughter.

I guess do the best we can and hope that thier backs will turn on thier dad. B/c like you I hope my son will grow up to look his father in the face and say dad I never needed you once mom and myself made me the great person I am today. But my son is also a loving and for giving little guy too.

SPIRIT.

Thanks FLgurlie..in time, hopefully your daughter will realize that her father isn't worth her hurting over. And it's good that you have someone in your life that your daughter can look up to. In time, everything will work out.

only thing I can ad is to remember that you have to do some editing for age. Somethings a real young child simple can't understand. Be truthful, but remember the age range.

My kids had their dad around when they were little. He did the prefunctionary Thursday visit (we had church on Wed) and every other weekend. Then, when they were 4 and 8, I decided to move back to Maine (from Texas). He came up to Maine at least once a year (and stayed at my house (ewww!) and they went to Texas for several summers. He blames me for not being able to have a close relationship with his kids. However, I would not shoulder the guilt. I told him that you don't have to live in the same town to have a relationship with your children; and that he could have made more of an effort to interact with them (besides the 2 minute Sunday afternoon call). My kids missed their dad, but he was only a play buddy when he was around so, the close bonding never really happened. He was more into himself than his kids. Your child will figure it out.
As Dew said, you can't change the father. He will see the situation the way he wants to see it. You just have to know that your child will eventually see who is and has been there for her. Part of growing up is the learning experience.