Hello to everyone, I am new here and am seeking advice, your experiences, anything that will help is much appreciated. I've been seeing Boyfriend for four months now, he has already proposed. I slowly introduced the idea of Boyfriend to my 10 yr old son RJ, whose hot and cold about the relationship. RJ likes Boyfriend, but "needs time to get used to" him, as I expected. Unfortunately, RJ's dead-beat dad doesn't help any as he is mentally and emotionally abusive, though RJ loves him to death. Without making this a drawn-out affair, my questions are... is it best to follow baby steps in introducing the relationship? showing affection? play dates? or on the flip side, is it best to expose affections openly such as holding hands, sitting together, kissing etc. so that the child will get used to the idea? I want to do the right thing for my son. And I want to be happy. Seems very far away but worth it for everyone. My please and thank yous.

First off momma2rj, welcome to the site.

In my opinion, seems how RJ is already hot and cold about the relationship, you may wnat to introduce any intamacy slowly. If your fiance truly loves you then he will understand this.

Good Luck!

Even though you are engaged, you really haven't known this person very long. I sincerely hope it works out for you, but I think you should observe the same precaution you hopefully would have if your fiance had not proposed. I would make it a long engagement and introduce your son to him very slowly. You dont have to let a 10 year old dictate your love life but keep in mind that he has to live with any decisions you make. If your fiance has the patience it takes to live with a child, then he will be able to withstand the long engagement and difficult process of blending the family.

Thanks to both of you for replying, it is much appreciated. It sometimes seems the battle will never be over. Like I said, I expected the 50/50 reaction from my son, and am carefully progressing toward a positive with him. Fighting what X puts into his head though, is another story. My Boyfriend is primary to his own two kids, his oldest being the same age as RJ, so he is very supportive of time, behavior and emotion, I thank God. Fighting the X is what drains me out though. Seems as if though, amid all the damage control in undoing the wrongs my X has imposed, things never really seem to clear. Always something new. But for RJ's sake, and hopefully to moving toward a better example of a family, I am willing to put up the fight. I can only hope that Boyfriend doesn't tire of the wait, or lose hope at this point. Yes we've been together for a short time, but the heart knows no time. When it falls, it just falls. I know I'm ready, now it is only a matter of time til RJ and I are ready as a whole.

I wish you all the luck in the world with the two families merging.

It is a difficult thing getting the kids to accept the new people, new liviing arrangements, sharing a parent with others.

There are some good books out there on step families. I have read a few lately trying to figure out what is best for our situation. I can't recall titles off the top of my head but I can look at them and post them later.

oh and Welcome to the forums.

Thank you so much. I would truly appreciate those titles as the days don't seem to get any easier. If I may ask, how long has your engagement been? I am moving very slowly for RJ. But! it is still not working.

Your son's reaction is normal. I went through the same thing with my son and bf. My son has never truly accepted any other guy in my life. You need to follow your heart. If you are in love, eventually your son will accept it. It will be a long and difficult process. Just be sure he feels included in your relationship. It's hard for a child to understand that adults need relationships. Especially a child of 10 years. They still need your undivided attention and feel that the bf is stealing your love from them. As they grow older and develop relationships of their own, they rely less on you and more on their friends. Kids learn how to develop relationships from their parents and friends. If they see a loving relationship at home, it makes them develop healthier relationships themselves. Holding hands and kissing are not a bad thing. He may be jealous for a while, but given time, he will adjust. Make sure he knows you understand his feelings. Talk and explain things to him in words he understands. I agree that you should have a long engagement. Give him time, but don't sacrifice your own happiness. Kids will always love their parents... Betty