Hi,

It is interesting to read every bodies problems and battles going on in the lives but I haven't really read one that applies to my situation, so if you can help, it will take a weight of my shoulder.
I met my first husband 3 years ago in June 2000, 4 months after the death of his first wife of 3 years. To cut a long story short, every one thought it was too soon, I was to young (12 years younger)and to add to it he has a daughter who is now 5 but was 2 and a half at the time. The problem is that his inlaws (Late wife's mother and sister) have practically taken over his daughter, they live with her in another country and feel it is their duty to look after their loved ones child. I know death is a terrible thing as I have experienced it with a brother dying but I do know that life has to go on. My question is: What should my husband do? Should he take his child away from them and destroy her(as she is so attached to them), he also has the burden of a request his late wife made before she died that "he would not take her child away from her mother". He is at the stage where he just wants to let all ties with his ex-inlaws go and carry on with his life, but does not want to make the impression that he does not love his daughter which he does - HELP!!!!!!!!

Let me get this straight, your boyfriend loves his kid and wants to look after her and commit to bringing her up and he is not doing so because he is worried about offending his ex-inlaws. I think there is more to this than meets the eye - maybe he and his wife were already separated before she died, maybe he was not a good father or hubby for the period before she died. Anyway whatever the predicament or reason for the ex deciding her child would have a better chance if she stayed with her grandparents - situations change, people change. If he is serious about gaining and rearing his child then he needs to step up to the plate (and hurry up)does he visit her - then he should prove his commitment to himself, the child and the grandparents before thinking about gaining custody. No court will keep a child from her natural parent no matter what unless the child is endagered by the parent. Whatever happens he will still need to maintain contact with the grandparents either because the child is still living with them or because he has the child and the child will need to remain in contact with the people who have been good enought to look after her while he got his act together -no matter what they are, they have been good enough in older age to look after a small child (no easy task)unconditionally. If he loves and wants his child then he should move mountains to get her - it will not cripple the child to go with her dad, just as it did not cripple the child losing her mother - life does go on and children are very resiliant, thankfully!! The child need to be with her father and her father owes it to the ex and the child to make the childs life happy and secure, but he should not take her away from her grandparent if he (and you) is not 100% committed. I have a 5 year old daughter and I know my ex is a sod and does not bother with my daughter but If I had a choice of either my parents or my ex I would choose my parents but that would be wrong - my daugher would need to be with her dad. Tell Hubby to get a Lawyer as back up, and go talk to the inlaws -they won't give up without a fight as they love her - but then again if her dad loves her he will put up a stronger fight - if he gets his child back you must remind him to forgive the ex inlaws for putting up a fight - make friends with them again and let them help raise the little girl - then she can be raised by her dad and have the love of her beloved aunt and grandma - do not take her away from them 100% or you will damage her - loving the child should help him overcome his pride.

Hi,

Thanks Caley for that insight, which believe me we have discussed time and time again. Yes, it would be terrible to put up a fight with his ex-inlaws, because believe me they would die for the child, but then agiam my hubby is not one to fight and argue. He feels that it is better to leave his child with her grandmother (where she wants to be) and keep in contact with her and visit her as often as possible and then when she is older, give her the choice of where she wants to be. She will be 7 in two years time, I think at that age a child can tell you what they want or where they want to be. As you said if you had a choice of where to leave you child your first instinct would be your parents (as I think every woman would do) and that is what his late wife did - not because their relationship was bad, but I think because she felt her child needed a mother figure - honestly I don't even know.... In my husbands case it was just a case of "being married to the whole family" To sum it up, he has lost a wife, and feels he is losing his daughter and would just like to carry on with his life. I know people will say "TAKE your child" But you don't know the in-laws we are dealing with here...... Anyway I am sure there are people in worse senario's than this and all i can say is "Iknow what you are going through!!" God luck to all. And I will be happy to get more feed back and ideas. Thanks.

I understand what you are saying step mom - and I understand that what you are saying about your husband shying away from confrontation because he doesn't like it, then perhaps you need to be the strong one. It is not right to leave the little girl to make the decision, she will always be to young until its to late!! If her dad won't take responsability for the distruption her removal will cause - how will a child! If her dad does not know what to do for the best how will she!! This little girl belongs with her dad, so that she can bond and grow with her parent and develop and unconditional relationship that will enable her to lay down foundations for her future relationships with her husband and children - Think about it, she is a cute 5 year old at the moment - I know as I have one - but I also have a 17 yr old child and I am telling you they need that bond, foundations to enable them to put themselves together as they enter parenthood. She will cope with her aunt and grandparent smothering her - but why should she when she has the opertunity to be part of her own family. You may wonder why I am so passionate about this -My father did it to me, he refused to come and get me as he thought I was happy and then in my teenage years I was an outsider in his life - the bond was not there (it can't be made over Saturday afternoons).
Please don't let your husband look at this child and think well she is happy and she has more than i can give her - it is not true, try and remember this little girl also believes in santa and the tooth fairy, in fact kids will accomodate, trust and believe adults in all things - they will seem blissfully happy in any environment - that is because they are innocents and ignorant of their actual needs - isn't that what they need parents for - to take control, make decisions and steer a child through life untill they are old enough to take control themselves. Has your husband signed over his legal rights to these inlaws - have they ever been to court - if not go and get this child of his and build your lives around her - I can assure you if you do and do it right within 6 months you will and she will forget what life was about before you all got together. Get in touch with Social services who will put you intouch with a child therapist (or your doctor will) get a lawyer - get some back up and then sort this mess out before its to late.

Sorry - meant to say (ref:my 17 year old) to enable them to put themselves together as they enter adulthood (not parenthood).

Hi,

Thanks for that insight, I will definately bring up all these points up to my husband. Who knows maybe things will change thanks to your advice. Will keep you posted!