Since I have had my son Ian, I have been dreaming of giving him a little sister, Janie. This is the gift adults give themselves, a child. It has not happened, and that is good, since we are really happy, my son and I, and one more child might easily have been too much for me, and life would not be as easy as it is now. I know I am lucky, I am spoiled, I just get all I want, and still want more.
Now the subject has come up again....
..because I will be turning 40 next year...
..because I have had a boyfriend for over a year now, and he encourages the project.
But I can't. I don't want to abandon my perfect life, alone with my son.
Having a baby would mean..getting married first of all, and I am scared to death of ceremonies, of family reunions
...it would also mean moving together, and I am scared to death of that too...I am such a loner and an egocentric, I would not be able to deal with his habits on a day to day basis
...and then there are his kids from his ex-wife, that are with him every second week.
So, the whole thing would mean having 4 kids every second week, and my 2 only the rest of the time.
It would mean going from complete freedom and peace...to chaos..with the new baby, and the huge new family.
Can anyone understand...
I know it's terribly selfish and stupid...here I am offered a wonderful family, and all I want is to remain lonely. It's just that I learned to love the loneliness so much over the years.

what do I do ?

I can leave him...and have a baby with some other man who does not care about the baby.

I can stay with him (without moving in) and have no baby.

I could even stay with him, but only every other week, and without moving in, and have a baby from someone else.

The problem is, if I have a baby from him, he might force me, by the law, to live with him...

I know I am being horrible, and such words from a man would me condemned.

But those are my (terrible) thoughts and feelings.

Can anyone understand and maybe help ?

Hey Dew, stop and breath dear....
Here's my thought, if you have that much doubt about it all, then wait a bit longer....I can understand the turning 40 thing, did that 5 years ago. Now if I had to guess, I'd guess that you've already pretty much eliminated a couple of those scenarios, like staying with him and a baby from someone else....I mean I just don't see that from you.
If you two are getting along well, then don't rock the boat by overthinking this stuff either. Yeah, easy for me to say when I know darned well I'd be terrified of getting married again, but I'd also like to think that if the right relationship(woman) came along that I would feel that it was right and with that I'd still expect at least a part of me to be terrified anyway, I mean it's hard not to look at previous relationships that blew up in my face and not at least wonder a little whether it'll just happen again.
Of course you know that I can't tell you which decision is best. I can only tell you to keep thinking it over some. And remember, you got used to that life of just you and Ian, and it would be different with a man (and baby) around all the time but that would become your "normal" as well after a bit.
Oh, and a thought just struck me.....
Do you love this guy? I mean is it more about wanting a little sister for Ian than thinking you could be happy with this guy forever?

Good, Good Questions Don.

Let me just add Dew,
I dont know you personally, but I appreciate your honest and candor in being able to admit a possible self-centered, egocentric attitude.

I know this sounds strange to a lot of people, but I think if your life is working. Then keep it that way. Dont add another child simply because of time.

1 year dating is NOT a long time, dont think that makes this man "the" candidate.

Stay happy, if you already are. With a mom that thinks things through before she does them, you son should be just fine; with or without brother and sisters.

Good luck with your decision.

thanks guys !
Your answers DO help...a little.
And I want to say...yes, I love him and I trust him completely...but...
Won't there always be a 'but' ?

Exactly Paul, about the "time" thing and having another child. While I can somewhat understand that biological clock thing, having another child I also think should be a decision based on more than "I'm running out of time"

Dew, in our present time and particularly for members of this sort of forum where we are all already single parents for various reasons, none of which really add to thoughts of "security in a relationship" I think to some degree there will always be a "but". I think, that is I hope, that it's something that with the right relationship and enough time will slowly fade to next to nothing as far as "but" goes. I really do think that we are only holding ourselves back if we let that "but" control too many of our decisions, but should rather give us enough caution to take things slow enough to hopefully keep from repeating our pasts. Same as I have hope for our kids when they become adults and start families, I hope there is much less of the "cut and run" attitude and that they are cautious enough to find a truly good partner that they can work through the tough times with to make relationships work.