Hi. I am relatively new to this site. I was wondering if anyone could help me understand how a parent can love one child and not another. I have a beautiful daughter. Her father and I are not married and he has a daughter from a previous marriage. Since we were never married his family has nothing to do with her. They are religious people who don't approve of how she came into the world. He feels that he can opt in and out of our lives anytime. He has never told his other daughter that she has a 1/2 sister and feels she won't understand (she is 8 years old). I have told him I feel that the deception is serious and can only have very negative consequences down the road. Recently she turned one year old and he didn't even call on her birthday. When I confronted him he said lots of men opt out of kids lives and that he is paying child support so I should be happy with that. The thing that makes this so hard for me is seeing how he is with the other child. I do not want this to hurt my daughter. Many people have told me I should just keep him away as he has nothing healthy to offer her. I am really trying to work up the nerve to move on. I know I need to, it's going nowhere. I am having trouble accepting that this is how it has turned out. I never wanted to be a single parent. I was raised in a single parent household and always saw how much my mother struggled. I am having a hard time accepting that this is how I am ending up. Also, I don't want his rejection of his child to wind up defining her life. Please help me gain some much needed insight. Thanks.

Easy and sad at the same time. The same reason my dad prefers his half-blood kids over most of his full blood kids, meaning his own, like me. The reason he will put up my youngest if anything happens, but not my eldest. I allmost boxed him when he said it. My brother, not any realation to him, he treats better, will help with money, sorry I am to responcible.

I know what you are going through, oh do I.

Thanks for your comments. I am sorry that you have gone through this too. I don't understand it. I don't understand your last comment about getting everything you wish for and living happily ever after.

Bear with me i have a tendency to ramble but....

Maybe if his family wasnt so dead set against it he would not be like that.
Maybe you should tell them that we no longer live in the 1800 and that a child out of wed lock is very common these day's.
Maybe it's hard for him to stand up to them so instead of showing up he just pay's for her so he can feel like he did right by her and the family.

And if you look at it i am sure you're mom did a wonderfull job and i am sure you can proudly say i am my mothers daughter and will do just as fine plus i am sure there will be someone someday.

My two cents... Move on. I know it's not your first choice, and it is tough to be a single parent, but this guy is just making your life painful by what he is doing to you, and especially his daughter.

I think it will hurt your (his) daughter, somewhere down the line. That seems unavoidable, but certainly not your fault. All you can really do about that is make sure that you give her your love, and be there for her - and be honest about it when you decide she is old enough to understand.

You can't control what his family thinks, or what he does... You can only move on and make a better life for you and your daughter.

Good luck... I know it's easier said than done.

I always think the best resource is family and friends... and of coarse this wonderful message board. You've come to a great place to get advice, and communicate with others in your situation.

Hugsss

Thanks so much for writing and being supportive. I really appreciate it.

We cant change the way people behave surround your daughter and self with people that love and enjoy her.Blood is not always family.You sound like you know what you want for your daughter so to heck with him.Find a good male role mdel willing to be around like grandpa or uncle.As long as she has support and guidance the only one with regrets will be her Dad

sister thats a quote, out on willie wonka, the old one.

Hi Sistergoldenhair! I'm sorry for what you're going through with your daughter. It's very painful to realize that the other parent of your child is not interested in being there. Unfortunately it's part of life. I have a metaphor for being a single parent: I believe that parenthood is somewhat like Russian Roulette, some of us got the bullet, some didn't. The difference is, we have to keep on living, especially for the kids. I'm sure that you will do great, honey, it just takes time. Weather he's there or not, the most important thing is you're there! As far as religion goes, my kids grandmother is religious, however, she never ever calls and never has, they've always had to make the 1st move to have a relationship with her and the other family members. I wonder how they possibly be so sure that they're going to heaven when they're rejecting children? The best she'll probably do is get child support from him, I'm so glad you at least get that! Just love her, and it will work out!

I have a question, you say they are really religious people yet they don't understand the 10 commandments? Maybe they are not as religious as they pretend to be?

Jesus was being questioned by 3 men who wanted to prove he was a fake (Please don't ask where in the bible, I can't remember). The first asked if paying taxes was right. The second asked if Divorse was ok (Which applies to me and how I feel right now). The third was the important question, which of the 10 commandments is the most important. His answer was Love the God above all else. Then the second most important commandment was love everyone else.

Any truely religious person will respect the background in which someone came. They will ove them no matter who they are, not being judemental because the bible states though shall not judge, or thou shall be judged. Only God has the right to judge, so if someone is judging anyone and states they are religious they should re-read their bible.

Well, I guess that was my religious teaching for the day. I hate when people put on a religious shield trying to act almighty when Jesus clearly states that God wants us to treat everyone with love and respect. If you have to wear the religious shield instead of the religious heart, then you really are just using church to get to heaven and truely have no respect for God. Maybe I am wrong but religion wasn't meant to be a shield, but was meant to be a way to live life.

I do have to say that it is more danerous for your daughter's mental state if you try and force her onto her father. A Tiger can't change its stripes, so either he wants to be apart of her life or doesn't. If he chooses not too, then that is his lose and maybe one day he will realize what he missed out on, by then it will be too late. You can't change the past. We always think back to bad decisions wondering why we were stupid enough to make them yet here he is not paying attention to his oen life making one that is an obvious future regret. no one can help him, only time can teach him his lesson. Forcing her on him will make her think things like why doesn't daddy love me and will daddy call me? In my case it is does mommy love me, yada yada yada.

Well, just wanted to mention the religious thing, don't think of them as religious, they really are not.

I know you are both soooo right. There is so much hypocrisy (spelling?) in his family being "religious" yet they won't acknowledge their own grandaughter. It is so phony it is sickening. I think Glenn has a good point about not forcing anything. I need to protect my daughter above everything else. I have finally realized that there is really nothing to be gained by having him around and being so half-hearted. She is a happy girl and I really want it to stay that way. Thanks so much for the insight and taking time to respond.

It is no problem at all, I am glad I could help. Like I said I just hate when people preach one thing and act another. We laugh at the old says when they had wars over religion stating the way they were thinking made no sense, but look at society now! People acting like black or white is a real difference. In 50 years top I garantee (about 10 years ago scientists cracked the genetic code for humans) that humans will discrimine each other based on their genetic make up. There was a movie called Utopia that at the time I thought was stupid, but now that I look back our society might one day become a version of that movie.

I don't know why we never learn from our mistakes, we don 't make the EXACT same mistake over and over but we do make the samne type of mistake over and over. We feel as a society the we must be part of something special that is better then everyone else. We now dicrimine each other based on color, credit rating (which makes no sense since a credit Burear is really just a private company that spies on you), societial standing (How much money you make and how you make it, what you own, etc...), or even your beliefs (Gay/Lebian/Straight).

Before I get off tracks I just want to say I am glad I could help you. I know people who are truely religious and will follow that they will preach, so I know learned the truth very easily. These people will NEVER tell you not to marry or not be with someone for race or any other reason as long as you love them and they love you. They will judge the person by who they are and if they have children, treat them as a seperate person not juding them based on their mother or father. Heck, a truely religious person won't judge at all because in the Old Testament it states thou shall not judge or thou shall be judged! Something a long those lines but God basically doesn't want us to judge others because we have no right, we are all equals. He is the one who alone has the right to judge us when judgement day comes.

Well, I have to go before I start a religious war on here. I hope I don't offend anyone because I am Methodist and am a believer in God, just not a believer in the people who preach they are better then everyone else because they believe in God.

Of course I am not personally sure if God will share my opinion that the darkness shows more then the light. He was the one who gave us light! Then again he might agree since he allowed the devil to test us with his dark ways to see if we hold strong to our beliefs and follow God's ways vs. the easy ways of the Devil that will lead us astray. It is an interesting thought I had, I was just thinking the darkness allows us to see the stars in the sky, the moon so bright (with the help of the reflection of the sun so the light is still important), and everything else special space has to offer. Heck, anyone else have an opinion on the matter, interested in knowing!

I read your post and felt your pain. My daughter was born on dec. 29th and she is the sweetest little girl I have ever meet. Ok well maybe thats a mommy speaking up she is sweet. As well as my 9yr old son.

Anyways my daughter's father has two other children and he seems to love his two older children and not our daughter. It hurts so much b/c how can he not want to know her and be a major part of her life? It's been two weeks since he has seen her and she has grown so much. I just wanted to say I know how it feels to realize that the father is a jerk and wants nothing to do with your child. I guess is hurts so b/c a small part still for some reason cares about him and you want him to come around. Anyways that's how I feel right now.

Your friends and family are right he has nothing to offer you but heart ache and tears. I know I need to realize this as well w/my daughter's father too.

Finally you know what I never planned to be a single parent the second time around. My life was not suppose to be like this. In this part of your life I would suggest pick and make the best of your life. I know I have done this and things are not so bad.

Good luck and I hope that things get easier for you.

SPIRIT

I feel your pain. My ex chose his 15 year old over me and our 11 month old little girl. The 15 year old fought me from day one...was a liar, a thief and a manipulator. He has always refused to accept responsibility for her actions...left all of the discipline up to me then didn't like how I handled it.

I don't understand it either...it doesn't make sense and probably never will.

Like me, you will have to be the stable center of your daughters life.