I'll try to make a long story short. My divorce was final in January but the financial aspects are not. Therefore, there is a long road ahead (two attempts at mediation have failed and I finally had to go to court to get an interim order so it's likely this is far from over).

Recently the woman in the wings (the proverbial "just a friend") has (by gosh, by golly) become a fiancee. The tricky bit is that my two children (3 & 5) will be participating in the wedding (on one level it makes me want to puke but on another I guess it's better than having them intentionally excluded).

My 5 year old daughter has been saying things like "You'll have to learn to like OW Mommy". It's all I can do not to come back with "when hell freezes over darling". So what does one do with this situation. Yes, I've read all the grin and bear it stuff and I understand about not putting your children in a situation where they feel their loyalties are constantly divided. However, I also wonder what message it sends to "suck it up" when people behave in a way that is dishonest, hurtful and completely self-absorbed. I think I want my kids to be able to say to someone who treats them badly that their behaviour is unacceptable. If they see their mom putting up with crap left, right and centre all the time I wonder what role model that provides. I agree that it is positive to teach your kids to take the high road but when it is at the expense of your self respect or it borders on being taken advantage of I'm no longer so sure.

Any body got any suggestions for the middle road. I have no respect for the step mom to be and I will have nothing to do with her (this may change over time but it hasn't been all that long since she thought nothing of interfering in my life -- not at all saying there were no problems in my marriage but I do not buy into the "don't blame the third party" schtick for the simple reason that I believe that everyone has the responsibility to conduct themselves in a way that is respectful of other people (and the commitments they have made).

O.k. so I'm blathering. I guess what I need is a way to deal with the impending nuptuals that allows me to support my kids without undermining my own selfrespect. Suggestions?

M

Marni,
I can really identify with what you are going through. My ex-husband just re-married, to his affair partner, exactly one year after our divorce was final. My 12 year-old daughter was the "maid of honor". My ex kept the wedding a secret so I couldn't discuss it with our daughter before the event. I am sorry I don't have any advice for you, just a whole lot of empathy. Take care, Lisa

WOW, can I relate to your situation. My daughter comes home from visits saying "I don't love Mommy, I only love Daddy and K". I responded to her by saying "Yeah, well who takes care of you? Mommy does!! Then I listed the things I do that nobody else does.Maybe not the best answer, but I was trying to keep it clean. The next time she came home, she said it again, so I replied the same way and she told me "No, K does. Mommy doesn't take care of me. Mommy doesn't love me. I only love K" so on and so forth. This has been going on for a few months and often includes her hitting me. It usually takes me the rest of the day to reprogram her to stop acting like a brat.

The hard part is, I did want to meet his new wife. For one year I asked to meet this woman. I wanted to be able to get along with her (possibly even be friends). What a great thing that would be for my daughter.

Yeah, right. Since the marriage in May, I have been put through the ringer!!! We are on our way to trial at this point. Funny how much his interests changed when he got married. Sad how people can go through so much to satisfy their own selfish desires even if it means disrupting the lives of children.

Anyway, this court thing is getting pretty messy. Super Dad and new wifey are making allegations that I am teaching my daughter bad things about them.

As much as I would love to tell them both exactly what I think of them and what they are doing, it isn't in my best interests and would make things worse in more than one way.

So, I tolerate him when he comes to get my daughter. I am nice but only say what needs to be said. And then I follow them outside to wave good-bye to my baby and put a great big smile on my face and wave to super step mom sitting in the front sit. She won't even wave back. She turns her head away and makes a face. It is quite comical. I think the expression goes...kill 'em with kindness.

It makes me feel good and look good. And I just reassure myself all the time that someday my daughter will be old enough to understand what is going on and what these people are about. I will let her form her own opinion and hopefully after learning right from wrong, she will make the observations that so many other people have made. In the mean time, I keep journals for her. Not just about the bad stuff dad does, mostly about her but every now and then it comes up that he cancelled another visit for some ridiculous reason. When she is old enough and if I think it is appropriate, I will give them to her. It is also a great way to release anger because I can write as if she understands what I am saying.

Whatever you do to handle the situation I hope it works for you and your children.
Best of Luck!!!

Becky, way to be gracious. And heaven knows it is not easy. It is, however, worth it in the long run. I speak not as an ex-wife struggling to be gracious, but as the daughter of one incredible single mom. And Dad. And Stepmom. And Stepmom.

Well, okay, only one of the stepmoms was remarkable, and dad was...above average.

Mom and stepmom went out of their way to be nice to each other, and to give permission to us kids to love them both. Dad periodically told bits of his version of events to us, spoiled us rotten on our visits, and often tried every now and again to get us to want to live with him. Not to hate mom, just to love him best. It worked, clear through our mid-teens. Guess who I have spoken to at least weekly, no matter what since then? Mom. Guess who I called first when I got my divorce? Mom. Guess who, in fact, gets the first fruits of all four daughters' love and attention? You guessed it. The same mom who disciplined us, made us clean our rooms, sucked it up every time we talked about Dad and the everlasting stepmom in front of her, with a smile on her face.

Think of them now. They'll see through the games soon enough. Don't play and you'll be way ahead.

Im so sorry you have to go through all this. I would literally be so hurt and upset if that ever happened to me. Right now my H is living in the same city as his ex. SHe is married too, but she doesnt act like it. He swears they are only friends... he even asked me a few times a while back if I would consider moving up there. I was honest and told him all my support was here and that I would if he could guarentee me that they would not be together in the future. He couldnt.. he said what difference would it make... blahblahblahh. One I blame this little witch for the mess in my marriage.. and if she cheated on him once, and is doing all this behind her husband's back ..she is just going to hurt him and I cant watch someone I love get hurt.
I think he is starting to see the grass isnt as green as thought it would be. Especially when he drops hints he isnt sleeping too good at night for thinking too much. GOOD.

Far as stepmoms... if it happens I will teach my children to treat them with respect, but not to be bullied or pushed around by them. That they dont have to feel one way or another towards her...that they have the right to decided for themselves.
One the inside I will die everytime I know they are around her. I guess I am still holding on to the small prayer my H gets his senses back.

Hang in there