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Single Family Voices - For Single Parents Online Single Parent Forums Re Marrage of Single Parents boyfriend doesn't want US to move in with him-Am I being selfish?|
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I am New to SFV |
Please HELP me!
Im a 29yr old single mother with three kids 9,7,6. My children's father is a deadbeat dad. He hardly never calls and pays NO support. I have been dating my current boyfriend for almost 3 years(15 yrs age difference) He loves me, and my kids. He's the love of my life. Last year he bought a nice huge house, while me and my children live in a small 2bedroom apt. For the past year I thought we were going to move in together, make the huge commitment. That is until a lawyer told him that if we ever split up, that he would have to be financially responsible for my children( child support for them). He does not want that financial RISK. He told me that we can't move in with him.. That I will have to keep my own place until my kids grow up. I love being with him, he loves my kids but won't take the risk! Am I being selfish by wanting to END our beautiful relationship just cause we can never live together.. PLEASE HELP, I"M HURTING. jen  |
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"Professional Rubber At Your Service.... "At A loss for Words - NOT! |
I don't think you're being selfish. How can he expect for you to stay in a relationship where he never commits to you,or never will take it to the next level. I would think if he really cared for you and your children he would take the risk. Plus your youngest child is 6 and has 12 years before they are considered an adult. Plus just because they turn 18 doesn't mean they will move out, lol I'm twenty and at home. I guess you just have to think about what you really want. If you're happy with a relationship like that, then good for you, but if not, if you want to get married and have a family, I'd move on.
Amy |
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Board Blazen Parent |
I couldn't get this reply started fast enough, but here goes - Are you kidding me? How can you even question the notion of you being selfish? From what I read, he is the love your life, but are you his? The age difference, I'm guessing he's older, since the opposite would mean he's 14, highly unlikely. The biggest thing I've learned and read on here is that some times we get so lonely, desperate, etc., that we single moms become complacent....i.e., we settle for just about anything to avoid the fear of never having SOMEONE/ANYONE in our lives. You say that he spoke with an attorney, honey, that right there would of told me something. I can't put the man down for covering his butt, but when you weed out all that red tape, WHY DID HE DO IT IN THE FIRST PLACE? How much do you and the children mean to this man? If I'd have heard him mention me and the kids as a "RISK", that would of answered all of my questions. I can't tell you what to do, but I can advise you of this.....WE ARE GIVEN WARNING SIGNS IN EVERYTHING WE DO....intuition is the word. Use it. If your gut feeling is telling you that you've already given this relationship 3 yrs, and he's getting attorney advice, not to mention calling you guys a financial risk, on top of that...why are you settling for living together versus MARRIAGE.... Honey, do what is best for you and the kids. If this man loves you, he'll take that risk. MY FEELINGS ARE HURT FOR YOU...heck, that was mean of him! JMHO  |
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I am New to SFV |
Something tells me we're not quite being told the entire story here... Are you considering your boyfriend's feelings and all the things he has gone through? Does he have children of his own that he is paying support for? Is he paying for his ex too perhaps? It sounds to me that this man has loved you and your kids unconditionally for three years. Has he asked you guys to be with him everyday? Is he willing to be with you everyday? Does he want to share his life with you? Maybe all he's interested in is to maintain 2 addresses for now because of fear of a previous hurt. Lots of people do that. You seem to love him and seem like he makes you quite happy. You say he is the love of your life. Quite frankly, that's more than alot of us ever get a chance for. Go with it! Be with this man. Love him, and let him love you. Don't throw away a great relationship because you just want to move in. Share your lives. Be happy. Share your places. Get on with it. Let him love you and your children. |
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I am New to SFV |
Somebody else talked about committment...well it all depends on what your definition of committment is. If this man is willing to love you and the kids and share his life with you then that's pretty committed compared to alot of men. Does he want to marry you someday? Has he ever talked about that? Again, before we slam this man in a mass attack, let's get all the facts and treat him with the consideration he deserves. Another person talks about warning signs. Well that can work both ways. Have you ever stopped to consider that alot of people could interpret that holding this man at bay unless he gives in is a warning sign in itself? What exactly is it you want? Do you want to share your life with him or move in? That's a huge thing to ask of someone when you're not getting any support from your ex. Don't forget that. |
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I am New to SFV |
jen...was this man planning on living with you I wonder? What was his reaction after seeing his lawyer? How did it make him feel? Was he sad about what he was told? Something tells me he probably was. You make it sound like he was jumping for joy when he learned this news. Was he "mean" to you like another suggested, or was he genuinely disappointed? If I had a chance to be with a man like this who loves you and another man's kids so much, I'd take it in a flash and stop expecting so much in return. Get on with your lives. Concentrate more on giving than getting and you'll be happier in the end. |
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"Board Blazen Parent" Lively & Zealous Parent |
Sorry guys but I am with All4Mine on this one, the guy is not worth it. To settle for a guy who isn't willing to take the "risk" of living with her obviously has zero intention of marrying her. More than likely when he looks into the future, he sees the relationship ending at some point and a "messy" breakup ending in him pay child support. (btw I have never heard of paying child support on a kid that isn't yours, especially if they are not married.) Him asking her to maintain a separate residence until her children are grown speaks loud and clear to me of a man who doesn't want to "deal" with kids. And also, if they have three years together, I don't see where he could get the assumption she was after him for money or anything of the sort, she has obviously put in an effort to maintain the relationship this long. I'm sorry but if me and my kid were involved with a man for three years, I too would expect him not to balk the idea of living together. It's the next obvious step in a relationship. You should never feel you have to "put up with" a situation just to keep from being alone. Just my two cents.
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I am New to SFV |
Seraphin it is becoming more and more commonplace that men who are not even the biological father of the children are having decisions made against them by the courts to provide support. ESPECIALLY in cases where the man has provided housing or living expenses to any degree for the children and the real father is a deadbeat. This is a fact. It's happening all the time. Also let us not forget the fact that this man has also invested 3 years of his time and committment into the relationship. And besides, maybe he does want to live together but only keep 2 addresses like alot of divorced/separated people nowadays are doing. A man who does not want to "deal with kids"? He's loved them like they were his own. Why should he have to be put in the position where he may have to pay for another man's children. Make the real father own up to his responsibilities. Don't punish the boyfriend. Just my 2 cents worth. |
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"Professional Rubber At Your Service...." At A loss for Words - NOT! |
I understand not "punishing" the boyfriend, but one day when I do date again, any man I'm going to be with will have to realize he's not dating just me, he's dating my son. He's my everything and if he truely loves me and cares for me why wouldn't he care for my son as well, and if he didn't care for my son, I wouldn't want him in my life. I know you should be happy with what you have in all, but I'm not a settler, and I'm not going to settle for a man who wants me but not the child and neither should any other single mother! Just putting my two cents in.
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I am New to SFV |
Thank you,
Reading this made some sense to me. I feel like I"m clouded in and I can't see clear. i know someone else wrote that He has loved me unconditionally and he has.. but I want the next step! I have dreams of getting married oneday, living and starting my life with someone. He said straight out( in a nice and caring way, that he can't take us in). My brain says to move on, that I need to move. My heart says" enjoy day to day with him. But the sleepovers get tiring after 3 years. jen |
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I am New to SFV |
I can sympathise with you jen, but you have still not answered the earlier questions: has he ever mentioned that he'd like to get married? Does he want you guys to be with him but still keep a separate place? If so, be with him. If you love each other that much, marriage will likely happen when the time is right for you both. If you think the sleepovers are tiring, how are you going to find living with someone for years on end? It sounds to me like you ARE living and HAVE started your life with someone. He makes you very happy and loves your children. Also, what is his history? Is he paying child support for any children, or supporting an ex? These things have to be taken into consideration. If he makes you happy and loves your children then love him in return. Move in but keep your place. Don't push him. Maybe you're wanting too much too fast. What is his situation? |
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On the Board |
It is so hard to think clearly when the heart is involved.....sounds like your boyfriend is trying to protect his assets which in itself is not wrong BUT u guys have been together for 3 years. It sounds like he is not 100% sure of the direction of your relationship.You should talk to him and try to maybe discuss how u could meet him halfway.Maybe sign some sort of agreement stating that he wont be held liable for any support should the relationship not work. I cannot speak for you but I would be totally upset and hurt if someone would so vocally consider my child a "risk". I feel for you and the decisions that you need to make. Be strong and remember that your kids should NEVER be considered a risk.
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I am New to SFV |
You're right....it is very hard to think clearly when the heart is involved. But newyorkmama has some good input. Can you meet this guy halfway? Is there such a thing as an agreement to protect from child support for someone elses kids? I have my doubts. By the way, when did your ex become a deadbeat jen? Was it well into your present relationship or did your boyfriend know about it long beforehand? It's not his fault that your ex has no responsibility for his children. He's probably paying for his own children too. Am I right? Try to meet this guy halfway like newyorkmama suggests. It's a very good piece of advise. Relationships are all about making compromises. I'm sure he didn't come right out and call your children a risk. He probably thought he could be risking some of his financial security, but I doubt that he "called" your children a risk. According to you, he has always loved them like his own. |
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Board Blazen Parent |
Please, oh please, no one read this and think that I am BASHING the man or any man for that matter. I am happy, successful, and blessed abundantly, however not yearning for a man to HAVE to be in my bed or life right now.....I ended a relationship and am pressed daily to rekindle it....
 Now that I've gotten that out of the way.Since we're asking all the right questions, lifegoeson (liking your nick and it's fitting to the topic at hand ), have you stopped to consider that her children are 9, 7, & 6? They've both invested 3 yrs, blissfully, I'm assuming, but when I do the math, that would mean 15 yrs totalling the last child leaving her residence. Being in love and someone loving you UNCONDITIONALLY should be covered in all facets. You're right, maybe we don't have the entire story. Maybe all of those issues that you mentioned play a key factor in his decision to not take the RISK. Which leads me back to HOW IS HIS LOVE DEFINED AS LOVING HER AND THE CHILDREN UNCONDITIONALLY IF HE'S ALREADY PLANNING THEIR DEMISE? Please, no one think that because I am happy, just fine and dandy with loving me right now, that I'm hating on their relationship, but when it boils down to it, I surely don't envy her either. I agree with the notion of "playing house and sleepovers" getting tiring, plus, is she suppose to continuously leave the kids with a sitter or drag them along with her to visit. Is it just one of him or is he dragging any children back and forth. No, I don't say trash a GENUINELY balanced relationship, but communicating with this man of any worries or concerns would be layed out right now. Sounds like someone is getting their cake baked daily to me. As a mother, no one is going to put a time limit on my children leaving the nest, but me. Now, my 14 yr old still hasn't decided whether she's leaving the state to go to college, so am I to pressure her into to leaving the house...Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, No! My children are apart of me and will forever be. Let me say this, I do not allow my children to dictate who I love per'se, due to the fact that they will leave me and begin their own lives one day, so the thought of forever being alone is out of the question. I say communicate with your man and find out just where this ARRANGEMENT is going. JMO....Much love and respect to all! |
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I am New to SFV |
This is a difficult situation, an unfortunate situation for BOTH of them. It is unfortunate that there are men out there who don't care for their children and properly take care of them financially and as a father. I say make the biological fathers responsible instead of holding a possible legal threat over someone's head who isn't even the real father. In this case I don't think the man is getting his cake baked daily. He's probably (at least he sounds to be) a responsible, caring father himself who just feels he shouldn't have to be faced with a threat like that. He didn't ask for it to be this way. The bottom line is that IF the biological father was a real man who acted like a father to his kids and took care of them like he should financially, there probably wouldn't be an issue. It just sounds to me like we don't have all the facts to properly pass judgement and stay objective. If the situation is that this is an honest, responsible father who is giving everything he can to the relationship but only sticking up for his right not to have to pay for another man's children while the real dad laughs, then all the power to him. We need more facts, and we need people to be responsible for their kids. |
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Single Family Voices - For Single Parents Online Single Parent Forums Re Marrage of Single Parents boyfriend doesn't want US to move in with him-Am I being selfish?
