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Single Family Voices - For Single Parents Online Single Parent Forums Re Marrage of Single Parents boyfriend doesn't want US to move in with him-Am I being selfish?|
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"Board Blazen Parent" Lively & Zealous Parent |
lifegoeson:
You seem to have a bad experience in your past that makes you want to stick up for this man so insistantly. I'm not saying the gentleman in this situation is to blame or even did anything wrong. He hasn't done anything wrong, he is just living by the credo of "CYA". All I have been trying to say is that if _I_ were in her situation, I would feel like he is making excuses. The fact of the matter is if he wants to be there forever, then the thought of paying for "someone elses kids" should not matter one iota. If he wants to marry her then he WILL be responsible for those kids. If he wants her to wait 15+ years so he doesn't have to pay for "someone eles kid" thats just ridiculous. And if he loves her, he should love the kids to, REGARDLESS if it was his sperm that made them or someone else, they are just KIDS and they didn't choose their daddy. |
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Board Blazen Parent |
my3muskateers and lifegoeson,
Can I ask if you're the SAME person, please? I'm really confused here. I thought the subject was moving in with your boyfriend, and I being selfish? Not child support issues.... I could be wrong. Not one time did you see me write that the BIOLOGICAL FATHER should not be held accountable...EVERYONE SHOULD BE ACCOUNTABLE FOR THEIR CHILDREN, MOTHERS AND FATHERS..., and I don't think that was the topic. I'm not going to reiterate what I wrote, it's still above...I'm talking about UNCONDITIONALLY love...When you can tell me that that man has displayed that in this subject, then we can move on to a different topic. Thank you!  |
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I am New to SFV |
Hi allformine;
It started out being about moving in,, but the real reason why we(me and my kids) can't move in is because of Childsupport issues. In Canada, there is a law where if the biological father doesn't pay support, then if another man enters the childrens lives, they all live together. The law would go after him for their childsupport if they were ever to split up. I love this man soo much, I don't want to force him into anything, I don't want to punish him for not letting us in.. but I have needs too and want a real future together. We looked into signing an agreement that would say I would never come after him for support. But by law there is not one we can sign regarding Children/Childsupport. I hope oneday my EX gets his butt in gear. thanx |
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"Moderator Proud father/grandfather" SFV JUNKIE!!! |
Alright, my 2 cents worth.
This is actually the first I've heard of laws that could recquire a man to assume the child support obligations of another man's kids should cohabitating not work out for a relationship. I guess this is like common law marriage, what is that, like 7 years?(I forget) So is there a time frame involved in going from cohabitating to being responsible to pay support for another man's children? Yes, this one just surprises the heck out of me I suppose. I've just never heard such a thing, without there being adoption involved. With that said above, I am reading it right that everything else in the relationship is great, correct? Well after 3 years of what sounds like a very close to perfect relationship, I'd be expecting there to be less drama over a discussion about moving in together, or better yet-marriage. No I don't know this guy's whole story but 3 years of a truly good relationship ought to help put past worries behind you, if that's the case. Still a little in shock, Don p.s. Oh so to answer your question, I just don't see that as being selfish. 3 yrs of a good relationship, you should expect to move forward is my opinion. |
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Board Blazen Parent |
Wow, I just took Canada off my list of one of the places to live in the future...
 California looks real good right now regarding Child Support issues. Good Luck with your relationship and hoping everything works out for you and your family |
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I am New to SFV |
Yes, In Canada,, you are legally common law in 6 months. It used to by 1 year. That means if someone moves in with you, lives there for over 6 months, can decide to leave and then take half of EVERYTHING you own, including your pension, RRSP's.
I have to admit alot of people have been burned this way.. I"m supposing my boyfriend is scared that this will happen to him... He had a bad experience with his ex wife... I"m still lost and confused about it all................ |
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On the Board |
I strongly feel that after three years your boyfriend does owe you some sort of commitement. If he cannot get past the potential issue of having to pay support for your kids then maybe you need some time to relect on this. You say that he has been great to your kids and loves them yet he is hestitant to support them financially.You need to know what the issue here is: is it is fear of commitement (marriage to u) or fear of potential fianacial liability. Your kids are part of the package....if he loves u and them like u say he does then there should be nothing to discuss.Good luck in whatever u decide.
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I am New to SFV |
Very good points indeed. We still don't know if the gentleman is already perhaps paying support. If so, I wonder for how many. Maybe she can shed some light on this. cheers |
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Board Blazen Parent |
Lifegoeson,
Let's consider your continous question. Suppose this man does have other responsibilities, did he not consider those issues prior to investing 3 yrs of life and love with this woman? Why would someone invest so much time in a relationship and just NOW think of the ramifications? For Pete's sakes, we're still talking about a 44 yr old man, here. Would you want someone throwing your relationship down the toilet because of his now apparent phobia of either commitment or financial burdens. I'm not being difficult with you, I just don't get why you think his lack of wanting this relationship to go to the next level as M3M is feeling, is beyond me. For the record, my3muskateers has not answered your question to your satisfaction, so let it go. Can we now start the healing process for her? My3muskateers, whatever you decide in your time of hurt and healing, please let it be best for you mentally and emotionally. We're here if you need an ear and kind words. Be Blessed! |
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I am New to SFV |
Thank you for the support all4mine, To get the question answered for lifegoes on,, he does have other obligations, he has three teenager daughters he is paying support for.( Another 6 or so more years..) What hurts the most is that this wouldn't have stopped us from moving forward,, it's more the issue of him having to pay child support for my kids if we EVER happened to break up. I promised him that I would never never go after him for anything! He trusts me, but the risk is still there in his mind.
After talking with you ladies, I feel alot better.. Thank you |
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I am New to SFV |
Hello all.
I have enjoyed reading all the posts to this issue. Although my situation is a bit different, some of this applies to my own exploration. The similarities are that I've been in a relationship for 3 years, only exclusively for the past 6 months after finding out that he slept with someone he called a "friend." Hmm, I think I'll post this in a separate message since I'm supposed to share my views on M3M's situation. IMHO, at least you are talking about moving forward. It's fair for both of you to discuss it so that either party can determine if it is not going to work. The legal situation in Canada certainly does complicate things. But, if he doesn't want a financial commitment, you should determine if you require marriage. If yes, share that with him. If no, then just keep it up. Please consider what is best for the kids. Also, in line with another response, I am assuming that your sleepovers do NOT involve the kids? If they do, please know that you are teaching them it's ok to do what you're doing. Best of luck. |
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"Parent on Board" Parent on Board |
Very, very interesting thread. I echo dconstruct's shock at the Canadian law and All4Mine's advice and well wishes.
The thing that occurs to me is if he won't take you in to live together, he won't take you in to marry. As marriage is what you are interested in, it seems to me you need to find someone available to marry. It's not going to be easy but I hope you find the wherewithall to do as I think you know you must in order to have the future you truly desire. Good luck and God bless! |
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Board Member |
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Board Member |
The truth is...if someone truly loves us...then they will meld their finances with ours...so if finances are the ONLY issue, the ONLY reason he isn't ready to take ya'll in, then I would say he wants a full committment from you, but isn't willing to do the same. He is trying to see you as apart from your kids, and you will never be apart from them...even after they are grown...you never know what your situation will be...what if one of your kids turned out to need lifetime care for some reason or another? How many years would you have wasted on him then. It is hard to be alone. But don't settle for less...we already did that when we got with their daddy's. (most of us anyway) |
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Learning to Surf The Board |
Well said, Damstimsmom. You took the words right out of my mouth!
 Jen-- it seems to me that an important component of wanting to be together and moving forward in this relationship is that both parties need engage in some creative problem solving. For example, is there a possibility that a good lawyer could help you both come up with an alternative arrangement for the care of the children in the event that the relationship ends (or worse)? Have you asked around? Have you provided for your children (designated a legal guardian) in case anything were to happen to you? I had to do that for my own children as their biological father would not be the best choice to raise them. Anyway, these were some of my thoughts as I read the previous posts... I know that for myself, sometimes a situation seems very cut and dry, but it really isn't. Good luck, Jen. You will be in my thoughts. |
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Single Family Voices - For Single Parents Online Single Parent Forums Re Marrage of Single Parents boyfriend doesn't want US to move in with him-Am I being selfish?
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