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Single Family Voices - For Single Parents Online Single Parent Forums Re Marrage of Single Parents boyfriend doesn't want US to move in with him-Am I being selfish?|
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On the Board |
As a Christian I sort of agree with holding people accountable for their actions with respect to marriage and living together. If this man chooses to be with you wholeheartedly then he must understand that this is a commitment that cannot be walked away from. ESPECIALLY with respect to children. I'm not talking about the financial aspect either. The bottom line is that you can't live with children ... for years with the notion in the back of your mind that the relationship may not work. These children will, if they don't already have a very strong attachment to this man. Who the h*ll is he to make the decision to involve himself with them knowing how delicate a child's psychological health is thinking that walking away is an option?
Love is something you do. Feelings are fickle, love is a gritty reality that often is contrary to whatever our flesh thinks is wonderful. That said, if this man is so burdened by the 'financial risk' he's taking, although it's understandable he should probably rethink his idea of commitment. They may not be his children, they may be some other man's responsibility and the situation may be 'unfair' to his wallet. But he chose it. |
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"-" At A loss for Words - NOT! |
Well I live in Canada too and I never knew of this law..
I think your boyfriend is entitled to feel what he's feeling. Being financially responsible for 3 children who aren't biologically his, is quite overwhelming. It's one thing to make that choice for yourself - it's another to have that right taken away from you, merely from only living 6months together. I don't think it's fair to expect him to take on such a grand commitment - and do think it's a little selfish for not understanding his position. I don't blame him for wanting to wait. I think if you love him enough, you'll wait - as he will for you. He DOES love you and your children [as you have clearly stated]. jes |
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"Parent on Board" Active Board Parent |
I have to agree with jes on this one. People who have been burned in the past, as it sounds he has, are going to be less trusting, and probably rightfully so. Sometimes I think we feel like, hey this is me-I have a child, that's not going to change and if someone wants to be with me then they should take on every responsibility regarding my child with a big smile. Maybe this man is just in shock after finding out what he did. Maybe he needs time to think it through to determine what he wants. I can't say I blame the man either-if something did go wrong, now he has to shell out child support for SIX children??? Why would any person in his right mind jump into something like that without being wary? We can all get mad at him for thinking about the possibility of things ending, but lets be realistic-isn't it like 50% of all marriages end up in divorce or something? He potentially has a lot to lose here-I don't blame him for being wary of this.
The thing that bites about this is that you do have 3 years invested. It's hard to break away from that. I agree that you are not going to want to live the next 12 or so years going back and forth from house to house. If he isn't willing to make the committment due to his financial concerns, than it probably is time to move on. That's terribly hard, I know...but unless you are content to live like that you'll need to move forward. I hope things work out for you...you and your children deserve the best. I think he sounds like he wants to be cautious since he's had bad experiences in the past. Maybe more talking this through and a little more patience before you make a decision. Like I said, maybe he's still in a bit of shock! |
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"Board Beacon Parent" Setting New Standards |
I would not want to take you in either if this is the risk. Sorry but I protect my assets. Three years is nothing when you consider how long you are stuck in retirement...and when you're old you can't make the money you once made to make it up. If I was you though, and you feel sad the way you do, then I would break it off with him and move on. You need to find someone in the same financial situation as you so you can build together, grow together, and not worry where the wealth came from. You both chipped in. He is probably disappointed also but what is he supposed to do when he feels the way he does?? He can't help his feelings. Those kids are your responsibility and he didn't make the laws. If that law didn't exist he would probably wouldn't have a problem with it...therefore it IS just about the risks.
Besides all that what if you were to die...he is responsible?? You don't want someone to care about your kids in resentment.... Move on. |
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Learning to Surf The Board |
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Learning to Surf The Board |
Dear My3muskateers:
I so understand what you are going through. But this is the line that he drew in the sand, not you. This line means that despite the fact he cares for you, he doesn't care enough. Your children deserve to be in a home with a real dad who wants what is best for them. If they can't have that then the best for them is to be in your home with just you. Call the Attorney General's office for help in Michigan. Mine owes $43k and they are going after him. The lesson isn't vengefulness on the dead beat dad, it's that children shouldn't think its ok to be abandoned by someone who is supposed to take care of them. Were you setting them up for the same scenario? Best wishes, there will be someone for you. The questions is who do you want to be? |
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Learning to Surf The Board |
Sorry, I read a reply wrong, I thought you were in Michigan. Regardless, while you must be crushed, it is better now than later.
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I am New to SFV |
Hang in there baby! I would be glad to move you and the kids in, love is so very hard to find these days especialy if your a single parent. If he is not comited in action then his words are cheap, hes never had kids (to raise then he cant understand, not his falt just a fact of life) he should stop- listening to others and listen to his hart comitment is the ultimate I LOVE YOU it sound like he still loves his money and him self more than you and the kids. I have been there had to say goodbye to love because she just didnt get it this is a package deal! babby!
but it still hurts remeber we were men and wommen before we were parents thats wate got us here. dont through the baby out with the bath water. Kids dont kill relationships pepole do  |
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I am New to SFV |
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I am New to SFV |
I completely agree with All4Mine. If you have put three years into this relationship and he is not willing to commit than I think that you should definitely walk away, although you may think that he is the love of your life you are obviously not his. If he loved you like you love him he would not want you and your kids to be stuck in a small apt. while he lives in a huge house all alone. You are wasting your time and are making yourself unavailable to the actual man of your dreams, he may just pass you by. I recomend reading the book "He's Just Not That Into You". It may sound cliche but I read it and it is true, 100%. It is my new favorite book and I am recommending it to all my girlfriends who are relationships that are a waste of time. My heart goes out to you, but don't waste one more day of your life with a man who does not think enough of you to make a commitment. Three years is long enough to have to wait.
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I am New to SFV |
Ok i could be wrong but i never heard of having to pay child support for a child that is not yours(or in this case his). Has for you being selfish on wanting to end your relationship i say no But before you do ask him what he wants. does he want a relationship some one to wake up with in the moring (familylife) or does he want the convence of seeing you when ever he wants then leaving.That to me is not a relationship.Do not sell your self short find a man who will make the sacarfice to be with you and your children. |
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I am New to SFV |
This man would not be responsible for your children unless he chooses to legally adopt them and provide for them. Now, me, personally would require a man who wanted to marry me to adopt my child. But, I only have one, so I guess I wouldn't be asking for as much. I just think you are getting a really raw deal here and that this man, (you didn't specify, but I'm assuming the 15 year age difference is him being OLDER) needs, badly, to GROW UP. I think he is feeding you a line because he likes the arrangement just the way it is. What you need to realize is that you and your children deserve more than a part-time dad.
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I am New to SFV |
Please excuse me for saying this, but he sounds like a jerk. Couldn't you make it in your will (if something would happen to you) that you children would go to a family member?
And why was he talking to his lawyer anyway? I understand your loving him, but why should you give up your dreams, your hopes for an intimate relationship and a family life. For you and your kids, I think that you are right to want to move on. Bless you and good luck.
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Parent on Board |
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I am New to SFV |
I know this original post from M3M is a little old but I have to say I agree with Mis Jes. You say this man has 3 kids of his own that he's paying support for, maybe he's got to help put them through college or what if something medical occured to one of his kids. I'd be pretty upset if I had to divert money from my child who also needs my support to pay for someone else's. I don't think he's being selfish. I'm a single mom in my 40's and although I have not dated much in the 7 yrs I've been a single parent the guys I did meet were for the most part not interested in family life or even meeting my daughter(not that I would have let them). Anyway my point is you have found someone who cares for you and your children, not an easy thing, maybe you can give him the benefit of the doubt and take the relationship for what he can give.
mickey98. |
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Single Family Voices - For Single Parents Online Single Parent Forums Re Marrage of Single Parents boyfriend doesn't want US to move in with him-Am I being selfish?
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