I don't even know what I'm going to title this and I expect some of you to understand how I feel but not all of it because my situation is slightly unique to most.

I'm sitting here with my pulse rate up to 120, shaking uncontrollably and sweating. No, I didn't just jog down the street or do some aerobics....I'm having a stress related attack.

See my son is tearing apart my world as I know it and I don't know what to do. I'm seeing a counselor about it but I'm pretty sure she doesn't even have kids and if she does they have never had their butts swatted and probably talk in more psych. lingo than even I know.

For example, Landlord came by this morning to get his bucket of paint, paint brush, pans, and roller that he gave me to use a month ago. He's starting to paint the unit next door. Now for a month this stuff has been here getting tripped over and I've known where everything was. This morning I can't find the roller or the extra roller head. My son is definitely to blame and he starts telling me its behind the washing machine.

I had him tell the landlord we'd be looking for where he put it as we gave him the rest of the stuff. So I pull out my dryer (which means moving about a hundred things) to look back there and what do I find? Oh about a months worth of paper and trash that my son was too lazy to reach the other 6 inches up and put IN the can.

I could go on and on about things like this, the fruit fly infestation I have from him shoving fruit peels in his bedroom wall. The scrubbing he and I have both done from him coloring on my walls. The ruined toys we have from him destroying them on site. The number of times he's bypassed my child proof door locks and been out in my yard.

See....even if I was a healthy two parent household member this would be a lot to deal with. But I'm a single mother of two under the age of 8 and I have fibromyalgia. I'm in a flare up right now and suffering a sinus infection to boot and having some degenerative issues (bones muscles) right now on top of it.

I just don't have anyone to help me at times like this. My mother was going to take the kids sometime during holiday break. Which turned into she was gonna keep them overnight last night-which turned into she'd get them this afternoon if she could. Well I found out my brother (who backed out of taking my kids to the movies because I couldn't afford to go with them and he'd have my son by himself) is over at my mother's this afternoon. No call from her, just another cop-out.

I already know I need to move away and find a support network away from my family because they cause a lot of undue stress, but what do I do now? What do I do that I haven't already done. I've child proofed - he climbs or breaks locks. I've used time outs, I've thrown out toys, I've busted his butt, I've talked to him, I've grounded him from TV, I've sent him to bed, I've set routines, I've ignored his fits, I've made him clean up his own messes (in which he makes more destruction).

My son is only 4. They won't assess him for ADHD for another six months and I wouldn't be surprised if we didn't have aspergers as I've said in the past. Even with an assessment the most we're looking at is specialized classes because he's too young and too sweet at times to medicate. I've even changed his diet and it didn't work.

Good lord help me I'm losing my mind. It took me three months to clean my house up (I thought until I started digging deeper) to the point I could have company. He's destroyed that in one week of my being sick in bed.

He's destroyed all shots of babysitters for more than maybe once every three months for a night.

My friends and relatives with other kids don't want to be around him because they blame their kids bad behavior on him. I don't ...their kids acted that way before they just use that as an excuse to stay away.

Please I need help.

Parker is also four and has exhibited some of the same behavior. Pouring popcorn all over the livingroom and then stepping all over it and to top it off, he poured a bottle of honey on top! I was in the shower- I know I shouldn't leave him alone but the alternative is to skip my shower and I would rather spare the rest of the world that pain. He will not go to bed until about midnight and I have to drag him out of bed in the morning. I too used to think he may have a form of Autism, but after rereading my college abnormal psychology books I am more inclined to think he has oppositional defiant disorder. Although, I know the strict guidlines I should follow to help teach him better behavior I am too tired to bother most of the time. What did help though was joining a parenting group through our childcare connections office. Just being able to vent about being at the end of my rope seemed to give me more strength to parent more effectively. Hang in there, take it one day at a time.

Ms Sky Please breath, slow, deep breaths.
What you have is a normal male child.
I have gone though 3 of them, 2 of them where twins, and it was a hand full.
Don't panic, or stress over this.
This is small stuff, all boys do it and any one who says they don't is lying. Or have forgoten about it.
He will be ok, if you don't panic and go off the deep end here.
And I could tell you stories about what my boys did to their mother LOL.
Oh what memorys they are now.
Anyway just relax, do what you have to.

And my sons are 17, 15, 15 now and doing good even with the carp thats going on between their mom and me.

Dawg

FDD makes a lot of sense. My oldest boy is strong willed. He likes to test the boundaries sometimes and see what happends.

My younges is more outdoorsey... he has a lot of energy if he stays inside too much.

Sometimes, when they test the limits, I invite a guy friend over to fix something. It could be a neighbor or a friend's husband. Someone they know. They don't have to say anything, I just tell them to go to bed and they want to they do it without complaining. (I think they were trying to impress the guy) LOL....


Sometimes kids will test boundaries when they feel insecure. I think they are asking us to make them feel safe so I instill the 4 feet rule. (That means for a certain length of time he cannot leave the proximity of 4 feet from me) they go where I go... LOL they hate it so they try to manage their behavior better.

I totally wish that would work Tess, but he might actually become violent if I forced him to be within four feet of me all day. All the same I can't let him out of my sight as it is or I find him climbing 8 feet in the air to grab a spray bottle of something he shouldn't have or even worse .

I have enrolled him back in preschool which does help my load a bit but all the same they have speed bumps which we always have to discuss of how to handle him as well. They are super accommodating like even when I took him off sugars (raw and unnatural) for a while. He has eye contact issues, hits, runs away, throws...well so far no biting.

I know a lot of this is the average normal boy. Believe me most of the normal boy behaviors I love and adore because that's how I am. Surprisingly though I like to wear a dress on occasion...I'm more sporty and the kind to wrestle around on the floor and play in the mud. My daughter being the ultimate girly girl...well she and I relate on things other than painting our nails and doing our hair because I'm really not any good at that.

I just need some sort of peace of mind. Another set of eyes, a miracle activity that keeps him sitting still (other than TV because I know that's not good for him but it does work at times). He's just so darned smart too. He knows how to bypass the child proof lock on my fridge. He knows to spy on me when I hide the padlock keys to the outside gate, so now I wait until he's asleep and put them somewhere new.

I don't know. I just desperately get tired sometimes of putting on this front that everything is so going well and that I'm so positive that things will be okay. I'm truthfully scared that life isn't going to change around here and that I will be forced to keep my eyes on him 24/7 for the rest of my life!

It may also just be the personality of your child. This most likely will get better when he matures and is able to reason with his behaviour and consequence.

My oldest has driven a few teachers crazy... testing their boundaries I guess. He is one who will not take his consequence alone and will take everyone in the household with him.. if he's going down. For a couple of years, I had to think about his consequence without punishing the whole house... like no TV or grounded to his room.... he makes everyone misrable.

Now that he's older... he can understand "I really detest your behaviour... It makes me question if you respect me or you are trying to get away acting like a little child." He usually apologizes and disagreements don't last for more than a day.

I remember myself saying " I prayed for a smart child.... I didn't know what I was getting myself into."

I know part of it is normal behavior, but there is something more and even our physician and daycare see it. Like he won't make eye contact unless you force him and he gets "stuck" sometimes repeating over and over.

Anyhow, he doesn't associate behaviors with consequences even if I say if you do "A", "B" is going to happen. My therapist recommended ignoring his tantrums and they will "go away". Ever had a kid throw a shoe at your head because you're ignoring him and try not to bust his ***?

Yeah right.

Its just hard for me not to be able to say...you wait until your Dad gets a hold of you!

See I haven't the strength to bust his butt to the point where he fears me. I haven't enough paint left on the walls to keep him in time out long enough (longer story of him peeling my paint). And I haven't enough duct tape to keep him sequestered!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I just thank God he's back in preschool this morning as I can freak out about other things and clean up what he destroyed this weekend.

You'll find you look for male replacements like GRANDPA to threaten them with. My Dad has swatted my son twice and my son still begs me not to call him over for help with him.

I understand that too...my daughter comes home a little DIVA every time she's been with her Dad or his family. I have to look at her and tell her its my way or the highway every time.

Honestly...can't wait to move farther out of contact from my family. What little good they are on occasion does not out weigh their bad.

Uh...I'd be afraid of Tom banging down my door LOL

ROFLMAO That's the best description of Tom yet.

Just so you guys dont think I'm insensitive, I will be answering Blindsky's post but after my class tonight

Blindsky just remember that your his mother..trust your instincts.
If your wrong and he is just being a typical little boy then he is no worse off than before you had him checked and your mind will be at ease.
If he does have more serious problems and you ignored your instincts you may be sorry later. I have been there I know how that feels.

Big Hugs to you. Whatever the reasons for his behavior I know how exausting a little boy can be.

Sky,

Here's another perspective to consider.

If a child is a high functioning autistic child... then what would a diagnosis get you? Would there be medication you would consider using? Is there programs he would qualify? Would it give caregivers and educators a green card to give up.

If you look at the bigger picture and what is the best outcome for a diagnosis that may just be a "label" it may do more harm than good. However, If it opens doors and your child needs care that would make a difference in his quality of life... by all means he would benefit from such a diagnosis.

There is some new research that says ADHD is an immature brain which disappears around 12 - 13 years old as the brain catches up and connections bridge gaps. (ADD is a little different)

IDK just things to consider.

disclaimer: I am seriously lacking RBC which brings oxygen to the brain.

Tess -

I want a diagnosis or should I just say evaluation because I'm hoping its all me and someone can help me parent better. I want it because I need trained to work with him better and vice versa. I'm not looking for a label - I'm not looking for medication....I'm looking for tools to deal with the behavior issues.

I almost want to video tape a day in the life of Lil B and B to show you all. Honest he can be so very loving. He is so very smart. Today he impressed my head shrinker by making the most creative hats out of two pieces of paper and four stickers. BUT....she also said by the end of the appointment that I need to schedule an evaluation for April.

If its that obvious that he's not performing at his age level after only two sit-ins on MY appointments.....then some piece of our equation is missing. I don't care if its me. I'm praying that someone tells me what I haven't tried and how to really make it work. With chronic illness and pounds of pills in my present, past and future....I in no way whatsoever want to medicate my child. I will first try new learning techniques and such...but if you don't know what you are dealing with you are just grasping at straws and possibly causing more damage!

I'm sorry I know I sound nuts but as I talked with someone else in PM, you begin to feel like everyone is blaming you for not controlling your child or disciplining them properly. I experienced it today in the waiting room of the counselors office. I have to give him the choice to be good...because to him it isn't the obvious thing to do sometimes. The parents gave me a look like "are you just going to keep talking at him or make him!" You can't just yell at my child..he reacts in like. You can't just get deep and stern with him either because he cries. You have to tell him what he is doing that is wrong, what is going to happen if he doesn't stop, and so forth. Its long and drawn out but he doesn't react to reprimands without emotional outburst. My daughter I could get a deep stern voice and she would understand she was going to be punished. My son seems to think I'm mad at him or gets an extreme anger towards it.

I don't know. I don't think unless someone has experienced it that they would understand truly the difference between my child and other children his age. The tantrums we get are similar to that of the children in the two's but then some of the things he can do surpass his 8 year old sister.

ugh..
sorry i'm just so tired.

I like what Amy said.

I wasn't trying to criticize you and hope you didn't feel such. I was looking down the road as to what would a diagnosis get you.

I think many parents have experienced one child who seems difficult and makes us look as if we didn't have control or good parenting skills. (If they only knew). It's also easier for others to blame the parent instead of looking at themselves to see how they can help a situation instead of making it worse.

I know I had a lot of questions you did when my children were younger. My second was easy and he is a boy too, so I can't blame gender. My oldest remember my living with Mom and Dad and watching him leave, while my youngest has no memory since he was 6 months old. Can that be a reason? maybe... but there's nothing I can do with that information so I know I need to teach my child how to be a happy healthy adult the best way that I can.

Anyway, I hope my advice just gives you ideas and avenues to explore before making a rash decision.

Blindsky, this may not help but my only suggestion is stay ahead of him.

My son has covered the couch in peanut butter, dumped quarts of olive oil on the carpet, slung and smeared feces, you name it. On a regular basis, he empties my shaving cream over his bedroom. The whole thing. Carpet to ceiling. He loves shaving cream, and it never fails eventually daddy will forget to put it in the locked cabinet.

That's just the 7 year old. I won't get started on his 4 year old sidekick.

The only thing that helps is to stay ahead of him. 24/7 supervision is hard, but a lot easier than playing catch-up. If he makes a mess, he'll make 3 more in the time it takes me to clean up the first, so I have to prevent the 1st.

As far as autism goes, I would lean towards at least getting him looked at. If he was severly autistic I'm sure there would be no question about it, but there is also help for children that are even mild autism or aspergers.

I think if I was born 20 years later, I would have been diagnosed aspbergers. I didn't talk until I was 5. I was always behind in social skills. I turned out alright, but I think I could have benefited from some help with the social skills. Having a label might have hurt me a bit, but I think the benefit of having help would have outweighed it.

Also, school districts are required to re-evaluate at least every 3 years so if you're son makes progress and you don't want the label around they will re-evaluate him and it's no longer in the records that he is a special needs child.

I actually talked with the gentleman that watches my son in the afternoon at the daycare today. My son had a rough afternoon: kicked a child in the head, called another some really nasty names, and pretty much took them for a loop. But the thing is this was prior to Mr. Dan arriving today.

I found out that Mr. Dan agrees that my son could have high functioning aspergers. Now..before you go saying that "everyone's an expert and sometimes a kid is just a kid" Mr. Dan is a special education teacher in junior high and raised a son that has high functioning aspergers.

I did not know any of those details until after I mentioned thinking of having my son evaluated.

Dan says that Braeden reminds him so much of his oldest son. Dan says that with such a loving smile too ...you can tell that he has a bond with Braeden because of it. LOL. He agrees though that an evaluation for aspergers may do us some good because they generally catch it best at this age and much older than this it can get lost in the shuffle. I also mentioned that it would be nice if we knew before kindergarten that way we could already have a plan for preferred seating and such before day 1.

It really was comforting to hear someone speak with such empathy for my situation. Apparently his children were early teen/pre-teen when he and his wife divorced and he raised his sons as a single parent. He doesn't know what its like to raise them alone the ages mine are..but 3 boys alone...my goodness!

Anyhow....I'm feeling a bit better after cleaning and re-cleaning today. I just don't have enough locks or cabinets around here...I keep hiding everything in my closet and keep losing my clothes LOL

I really think I'm going to have someone come over and help me triple child proof the place. My son is so inventive he's learned how to climb and reach the top of my refrigerator.....I'm so scared he's going to really get hurt.

Speaking of...here he is again. Apparently his sister is trying to get him in trouble when he is actually being good. Mealtimes sometimes are the quietest times. I wish I wasn't sick and was enjoying the food too.

Well...back to the grind...I've got to make a list of things that need to be done round here and appointments to make to help us out with the situation.

I am glad you found someone to help out and that will listen to you and talk to you about your son. I really hope something good comes from this.