I just got off the phone with my mother and I'm in tears.

See....I decided to host Christmas Eve dinner for the family. This will be my first Holiday to host and I was really excited. The person who usually has the family over will be on a cruise, so that only left a few of us to get together anyhow:

My brother and nephew
My father
My mother and her new husband
My Uncle

My brother and my father share housing, so that didn't make sense. My uncle shares housing somewhere in the styx and he doesn't cook. My mother's apartment is really small and she wouldn't invite my father. So I was neutral territory and have wanted to cook for the family for Christmas for the longest time anyhow.

Well....my house is cleaned and the invitation was sent. My mother just informed me she won't be coming, that she doesn't plan on spending her first Christmas with her new husband AND her Ex-husband. She wanted to make other arrangements to see her grandchildren for Christmas.

WTF? This is MY house and it shouldn't matter whom I invite its Christmas Eve! HE's my FATHER! He's my children's GRANDFATHER. Last year I spent my first Christmas Eve away from my Dad because of her and her family. This year I spent Thanksgiving without my Dad because of her family. I refuse to play her game anymore.

Her comment was "I'll do birthday parties and..." I cut her off. She didn't do my son's b-day party graciously last year. Her entire family asked why she was being such a B---- that day. They had never seen her act that way. When I told her that had occurred after my son's b-day she said I was taking excuses to insult her. No...I was finally telling her what's going on behind the scenes around her and that she needs to take a look at how selfish it is to play these games.

They've been divorced over a year and she still won't sit down, have a meal, and let the grandchildren open presents.

Am I wrong? I'm not trying to put my family back together, but this is the first Christmas Eve dinner I'll be cooking and I just think its horrible her excuse.

I did tell her not to bother making other arrangements to see the kids. I extended my invitation and if she isn't willing to come then I won't be going out of my way to do things on her terms.

Just do what i did me ma and da sound as friendly as your mom and dad

Just tell her its fine if you dont want to come I just wont invite you anymore

and leave it at that

remember mom are women too and they always want what they can't have

so if she can't come she will want too

I know its crazy but what can you do

Rebecca, I totally agree with what you did. Its your right to have a family Christmas. You already know what I think about the mom situation anyway. I will talk to you more tonight as what I have to say further is not appropriate for this forum.

What really irks me is that I'm expected to run in all directions for the holidays and last year I said that it was over..not happening again.

I already have my daughter to shuttle to her Dad, last year my son to his Dad on Christmas Day as well. I get one opportunity to have the whole family together and I am entitled to try.

Its not my fault, but she wants me to feel like I "don't understand her point of view but am entitled to my own opinions".

Since when did the opinion become that a segregated Holiday is a happy one? I thought it was about family and celebrating Jesus' birth?

Getting over being mad...a little.

I had to call my Uncle who is divorced as well to get a new view point. He says I'm between a rock and a hard place and there is no way out. I have to respect her decision as much as she should respect mine.

Funny how I have a feeling nobody is really going to have a Merry Christmas. I just wanted to invite my family for my first Christmas Eve dinner celebration.

Yeah...my feelings are hurt.

Christmas' are never fun. here in two weeks i get to celebrate two years of freedom since my x through our little happy world off its axis. why couldnt she have left after christmass. i guess it was the best christmas presnt ever

I thought that Christmas was going to be good this year and it still will be. By tomorrow I'll be over this and will have decided that I won't be losing out but she will be.

Right now I need to let go of a little girls dreams of my first hosting of the family Christmas dinner. Heck I let go of the idea of having a husband to carve the turkey.

You don't need to let go of anything, it just hasn't happened yet.

You make your x-mas plans in your home as planned.

If your mother cannot support this, that is in my opinion too bad.

When I am invited to go to the ex's family for x-mas, I do go. I admit it is not pleasant for me, but my son has two parents and it isn't his fault that we seperated.

I do attend the events, and every year invited them also to my events....except for last year it ran a bit differently because of the breast cancer thing and there was alot of commotion with how they chose to deal with it, but that is entirely a different story.

It is x-mas for everyone. It is a time to put differences aside. That is my opinion of course. Never said I was right in any of my opinions, but that's my story and I'm stickin to it. LOL

One year, I decided to have x-mas at my place. OMG...what a nightmare...I was tired understandably with the health problems I had over the last two years.

So I made x-mas at my house, cause i was always torn diving my time up between the two families, and never got to have x-mas at my place.

So, I made the turkey and invited both sides of my family. None of my family showed up, but all of my ex's did. I was very ashamed of that...but such is life, if they want to be babies too bad. X-mas has no room for such nonsense.

I got tired every year of that nonsense, so I had chosen that my son would remember X-mas at HOME for a change. That is the end of that.

I am new to the site and just read your post. I have been divorced for 2.5 years and he's remarried. It is not about he and I anymore. It is all about the kids, it's christmas. You are to be commended for hosting your first christmas and putting aside differences for the children. You sound more mature than your mom( no offense), have a great holiday with or without her... her choice.

Well......

A couple glasses of sparkling burgundy later and it's all clear.

Or was that fuzzy?

Oh it just seems so silly that even grown we let our mother's rattle us so.

Yes...I can type whilst drinking unlike some of our other members. LOL

I'm more relaxed now, and I think I will stick to my guns. I've spent years trying to make peace when my gut said I shouldn't and I'm tired. If it were pride I might change my mind, but I can't find pride in my stance.

If anyone can see a flaw in my theory please please point it out. I love a good conversation that supports me, but more than that I listen to a good truth whether in my favor or not when pointed out and don't argue with those.

quote:

Basically she's telling you that you need to choose between them. What I've always told people when they've tried this same thing is "don't make me choose because you won't like my choice".

Strangely this is the same ultimatum she gave my father shortly before I found myself in a homeless shelter (having formerly been staying with them.)

I won't choose. I barely got my father back after trying and trying to work a relationship out with him after his abuse when I was a child. I keep trying for my mother but I'm done for now. Life is too short to continue this painful trek I've been on.

I've decided I'll keep sending out the invitations and make it clear that everyone is welcome in my house regardless of any objections.

I feel much better about all of this today. I've realized that my relationships with my parents have to change to make this post-divorce work for me. I've also realized not to send an email out to the family when you're spitting mad. Hindsight and all.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Blindsky75:
Yes...I can type whilst drinking unlike some of our other members. LOL /[QUOTE]

And who are those? I can't imagine.

I think you are doing a good thing by standing by your means. You should have a fun christmas and screw all those who are going to be idiots

I guess I am lucky in regards to the holidays because my family celebrates Christmas on Christmas Eve, so I get all of my children then every year and then after all is said and done, I bring the children to my EX's house and the children spend Christmas with her, no problems for that holiday EVER!

In your situation, I do like what Bishop posted because it actually is very sound, a lot of people want what they can't have. My suggestion is a little different though.

Have your holiday at your house and tell your mom that you are VERY busy and can not make ANY arrangements for her for a long time. You have too much going on before Christmas Eve because you are preparing for your guests and after Christmas because of the children, cleaning the toys, cleaning from the party, etc... you won't have to make something up because the children will do it for you. If she doesn't want to make the effort, then why should you? Just concentrate on what is important, your children. If she can not respect that your children would want a family holiday then she will just have to miss out, eventually regretting her decision.

Of course you put your foot down with her (in a sterm, professional, yet kind way) then she will probably break and come since she wants to see her grandchildren.

My problem is that I always had the "I don't care" attitude. Someone wants to be a jerk, I don't care. Someone is rude, I don't care. Someone wants to kill me, I don't care. I always didn't care about what other people did or said because they have the right to do and act as they please, but in my house they shall follow my rules and respect my beliefs as I respect theirs. I may hate racists, but I will never tell a racists that he has no right feeling the way he does no matter how against his or her beliefs I am (All humans are created equally, equally stupid and inferior to the alien race that will one day cleanse this planet of us).

That example is a little extreme and I do like to express my opinion as well as listen to the many different opinions around me. The one thing I have learned is that you can not change someone's opinion because their opinion is the sum of their life experiences and trail and errors. No matter how alike you may be to someone, they still followed a different path and have distinct differences in their thought patterns and beliefs that you may or may not understand. The best thing you can do is accept someone for who they are and you will never be disappointed (If you accept a liar as a liar, then you would expect them to never leave character when you ask them a question you need the truth to because you already accepted their personality as a liar which you can not change).

I hope I was clear enough in what I was saying, I didn't know how to exactly explain it when I started typing and then my hands went as fast as my subconscious, making my mind obsolete while typing and lost. Does that sound strange to anyone?

My problem growing up was that I could comprehend the most complex of situations or problems from school to stuff so far advanced that only a rocket scientist would understand. I couldn't comprehend the simple fact of why most people couldn't understand such things. I spend years getting headaches over such concepts simple to me that seemed complex to other people that I finally decided I need to sit down and re-evaluate the situation. The common denominator in all these problems was me and I had to work off that. The simple solution, instead of getting upset over people not understanding things was to not try and force them to understand but rather accept them for who they were and never be bothered with such things again.

So now if people want to listen, I will explain things but if not, oh well lets go shoot some pool! 10 ball, corner pocket for the straight pool win!

Speaking of spitting bullets, if a bullet cost $10,000 to make, how do you think that would affect the deaths in the world today?

I think that murder would go down tremendously because most people who kill with a gun are cowards to do it any other way. The gun is simple and requires little work, while other ways require thinking, more planning, and most likely direct contact with the person. Most people kill out of rage and during that time of rage, coming up with a complicated plan would be too hard and they person would calm down before they go trough with it, while a gun is simple, whip it out, pull back, done. Time to think would probably alone save at least 40 - 60%.

Just a thought though, the Mafia would probably bring back the old cement shoes then. I always wondered how many people with cement shoes live in the Delaware River here in Philadelphia!

quote:

Speaking of spitting bullets, if a bullet cost $10,000 to make, how do you think that would affect the deaths in the world today?

Most of my family saves the shells and makes there own....but we don't kill people, just hunt animals and targets. LOL

quote:

Have your holiday at your house and tell your mom that you are VERY busy and can not make ANY arrangements for her for a long time. You have too much going on before Christmas Eve because you are preparing for your guests and after Christmas because of the children, cleaning the toys, cleaning from the party, etc... you won't have to make something up because the children will do it for you. If she doesn't want to make the effort, then why should you? Just concentrate on what is important, your children. If she can not respect that your children would want a family holiday then she will just have to miss out, eventually regretting her decision.

This is basically what I have told her. I already have enough going on with splitting my time with my Ex and with school plays and picking up of things and cooking and cleaning and watching a four year old all day long and shoveling of snow, etc.

She basically decided I was being hateful and that she'd wash her hands of me all together and see my kids at my daughter's play on the 20th. That means she won't be helping me by watching my son when I'm supposed to do my pickup from the toy drive so my kids have presents under the tree.

So you see....I'm enemy number two in her book right after my father. She's willing to jeopardize Christmas for the grandkids just so I can "realize" that she was right and I was wrong.

Funny thing is....kids get to see Granny before Christmas, I don't have to stay long after the program at the school or sit with my Mother, AND my DAD will be there. Irony at its best.