Hello there! Am I the only 50's dad thats got an almost-teen daughter [or son]who feels that they are really in this situation alone with no one to turn to? Probably not...
Her mother and I never married, but did have a long-term [5yrs] monogamous relationship. I have never been an absentee father or a dead-beat dad. My daughter is my reason for living. She is very smart and is enrolled at a magnet school and is in an honors program, 6th grade. She is 12 going on 17 [people always think that she is several years older than she actually is----THAT scares the hell out of me!]and is, for the first time,having to deal with being a mixed-race child. Her mom is Mexican and I'm Irish and she's the best parts of both of us. She has gone through some experiences that would be hard for any ADULT to handle---domestic violence between her mother and her current husband, death of a loved one,and great illness in her immediate family [I had a heart transplant at the age of 47].I have not been able to work in about 4 years due to complications from surgery and we are living on Social Security [she really resents the fact that we have become "poor"].We sometimes argue about that issue. We DO have to cut corners, our biggest expense being my medications [even with a co-pay it costs me between $3-400 per month out of pocket. Thank God that we have a loving, supportive family that provides many of our basic needs [housing, high-risk health insurance] but even so, we have trouble making ends meet. I know that this worries and bothers her, but there is really nothing that I can do about it except to tell her how much I love her throughout each day. I have [among other things lol]chronic severe depression which clouds my judgement and reaction to events and I take a lot of psych meds to lessen my symptoms--some days it works, somedays it doesn't. I can make a big deal about a tiny thing and that often isn't fair to her. Let me say this: I have NEVER laid a hand on my kid in anger [when she was little I couldn't bring myself to spank her when she was naughty]. She is very aware of this and may feel that as a sign of weakness on my part, may even take advantage of it at times. Dunno...??
Her mom has 3 young children with her husband, is in a rotten situation but keeps going back to it, many times vowing to never go back to him, we all support her and go out of our way to help her. Of course, she always goes back after using everybody.Sad.
That is why I went to court 3 yrs ago and got posessory conservatorship to get her the hell away from all that mess.At that point, her mother abandoned her--not in words but in actions. She lives about 30 miles away but doesn't call --maybe 1-3times per month, my kid calls and leaves messages but rarely gets a return call. Her mom calls out of the blue and everyone is supposed to drop what they're doing so that mom can take her out for an hour to eat. She thinks that her mother is a saint[I never say anything bad about her mother, never would] and a hug and a kiss from mom make her sad/ecstatic.She is trying so hard to believe that everything is good and that she has NOT been deserted. It makes me want to cry just thinking about it. Her mother has not contributed a dime to her upkeep in 3 years and I don't expect that she will start any time in the foreseeable future. I would take her to court but it's not worth the hateful feelings, resentment, and general chaos that would ensue---my kid
doesn't need that in her life.
For the last 8 years I have had a wonderful woman in my life that tries to help out as much as she is able [extremely busy career woman] and does her best to take sloane out to an event, movie, overnight stay on a weekly basis. She is the stepmother, she truly loves my child and that love is reciprocated, but she can't REALLY know what it's like to be a full-time parent, but I,m sure glad she's here!!
Mydaughter and I are starting to have authority issues and I sometimes am at a loss when it comes to solving them in a productive manner.
WHEW!! Just talking about some of this has left me emotionally drained, some I'm going to take pity on you and shut up.
I sure hope that we can get some of us older parents together ---so much is geared toward the 20-30 somethings [no offense meant]and I believe that some of us older folk have some things to deal with that they do not. God Bless, dcameron1@austin.rr.com

Hi Dave and welcome to the board! I'm also a fairly new newbie here. No, I'm not in my 50's, but we still have that commonality of being single parents, even shared with that special someone.

I read your post and could sense your frustrations to many of the circumstances you mentioned. It really sounds like you've done everything within your powers and ability to this point...and WELL!

As I've posted in other areas of the board, I'm a *just retired* teacher and have 2 younger children of my own.

Your daughter is always going to hold her mother as a "sainte" in her viewpoint....moms are very important. But please don't under-estimate the power of a daddy! Believe me, she holds you as a "saint" as well!

As for your frustrations in "authority", allow your daughter to make safe choices about daily things. Maybe even provide her with some more responsibilities about the home. Keep them all safe and to her level of responsibility, but don't be afraid to challenge them either to the next level. Even if you feel she may be making a *wrong* choice, as long as it's safe, she'll remain safe when dealing with some of the effects of HER choices.

She becoming a young woman, if not one already! And we females at an early age (especially when we KNOW we're a woman already) want to have that recognition and respect that goes along with the title.

I'm not saying push her into adulthood, she's been exposed to enough of it from the sounds of things, but try to provide her opportunities to *flavor* some other elements of being a woman at her appropriate level of maturity. Here are some ideas that came quick to mind (I'm think inexpensively here also):

- Let her make out the weekly meal schedule.
- Allow her to help prepare the meals.
- Bedtime? Give her some say, even if you think it may be too late, she'll know if she's too tired from the effects of her choices.
- Alarm clock? If she doesn't already have one, give her one and let her start becoming responsible for waking up for school (you, of course, will see to it anyway! *smile*).
- Allow her to *entertain* friends at home, let her rent a movie and prepare the snacks for a social event of her peers.

I hope some of that helps you out in your authority issues. I applaude you for all you have done for her already...you should be standing proud!

SuZ
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Dear Suze: Thanks so much for your e mail---it means a lot to know that someone out there is listening!
Your suggestions were very well thought out and smacked of common sense [a valuable commodity these days lol].Thanks for sharing them with me.
Our situation is a bit different. My kid already makes her own meals.I don't cook, eat mostly turkey, cereal, protein shakes, fruit, and some sort of sweet [total bachelor menu [i've lived by myself for over 30 years!]. I buy my kid different things that she has a like for---tuna, peanut butter, instant breakfast, HER cereal, and once in a while she makes herself a fried egg sandwich or peanut butter and 'naner sandwich, just like Elvis.
She's very computer savvy and washes her own clothes [by choice].She rents her own movies [no "R"] and has friends overnight quite often. I don't mind since they pretty much stay in her room and take care of themselves [ I do occassionaly have to make them turn down the music [lol] but no big deals]. She does e-mail and generally makes her own fashion choices [ I remeber how our family was literally torn apart by the length of my hair and pinstriped bellbottoms
[early 1960s] and I vowed never to get into that sort of crap with my kid [ she CANNOT wear mini skirts or tube tops howeverlol]. Her room is a god-awful mess but she seems to be able to find everything ok. She makes me look like Martha Stewart---and I'm a slob!!
She's really clever and could get along on her own, for the most part. There are , however, decisions that I feel I must have the final veto power over--that's my job! Example: she has started to badger me about going to the mall and hanging out with her friends. I'm not ready to let her do that. Kids+no supervision+no money+ no plan=TROUBLE in my eyes! I am, however, that kids need somewhere to relax with friends without the watchful eye of BIG BROTHER observing them constantly. My friends and I would hang out all day Saturday at the bowling ally taking up a whole booth for hours to talk about chicks and smoke cigarettes and squirt catsup at each other [ oh yeah, use swear words, too lol]---all for the price of maybe 3 limeaids or coke for the entire group. Those times are gone forever and it's a damn tradgedy!
Those are the kind of things that we argue over and I see many larger issues looming in the distance. She is in middle school--6,7,8 grades--and I see pregnant girls fairly often while waiting for her after school---she came home one day and told me about a baby shower that they'd thrown for one of the girls that day---I started to sweat...
My parents didn't always approve of some of my friends but tolerated it to some degree---
the difference today is that these same decisions can now lead to: drug addiction, pregnancy, arrest, even death. To know what is ok these days is nearly impossible.
She has 2 strikes against her to start with--both her mother and I are acloholics/drug addicts, I've been clean for 16 years now [TOTALLY}, her mother has fallen off the wagon several times [at least 3 times in the last 2 yrs. she is currently ok--I think. This sort of thing tends to run in families and the general thinking is that it's a genetic component passed along from parent to child. This does not mean that she will become a junkie--just that she has a predisposition to addiction that other folks dont.

What am I doing, writing the GREAT AMERICAN NOVEL here?? Sometimes I do tend to run on.
again, thanks so much for listening, hope everything's ok by you and hope to hear from you again sometime. Dave

Dave,

I don't know how to tell you this...but...you're doing everything RIGHT with your teenage daughter! She sounds like a healthy teenager, and you sound on top of things...except for your own meals! *giggles*

My own children are far from their teen years, at the ages of 5 and 7, and I find myself already *grooming* them for those years to come. Or should I say I'm grooming myself for what's ahead?

Funny, I find myself and tell myself not to do some of the same things MY own parents did while I was growing up. Some things I've kept the same, many methods I've changed. I was a rather...ah...*spunky* kid and only seemed to get worse in my teen years! I've been fortunate enough to have been that *wild* teen, I knew where the holes were in my parents system and took total advantage of them. Today I'm covering my own parental holes to prevent my children from possibly causing me the same grief I caused my parents. (Don't get me wrong, I was safe MOST of the time, but did walk on a few limbs that never should have been walked down at that age!)

All in all, we as parents, have to be ready for when we are challenged by own children. We also have to stand behind our decisions and the effects of them as well. Not always easy, and there's no rule books or guidelines.

You're on target as a father...you're just a parent of a teenager! I don't think there is a sure way of keeping a teen completely happy...it's instinctive to buck the system in place.

Keep up the good work...and keep me posted on how YOU'RE doing....I think these years are hardest on US! *giggles*

SuZ

Hey Dave,
How is everything going?

Have not heard from you in a while. Any updates you can share with the group?

Hi, I am a age 50+ single dad and just joined. I am glad that there are others out there and do not feel so alone. I have two teen sons and have been raising them for several years now. I am from Virginia but will be moving to Florida in a year or so. Will write more about the three of us soon. thanks Earnest

Seems like we have two, any one else want to be counted?

Happy Easter

Robin

quote:

Originally posted by Earnest Durant Jr:
[qb]Hi, I am a age 50+ single dad and just joined. I am glad that there are others out there and do not feel so alone. I have two teen sons and have been raising them for several years now. I am from Virginia but will be moving to Florida in a year or so. Will write more about the three of us soon. thanks Earnest[/qb]

Earnest,
Welcome to Florida! I am a single mom with two teens (Boy and girl). We lived in Northern Virginia for many years and moved to South Florida last March. You will find it very different here but for sure you guys will love the weather and the friendly people you will meet around.
Good luck.
Liz

Hi to all the single dads about 50 out there. I am new to this site...and found it quite by accident. The stresses and strains of single-parenting have taken their toll on me since I have a 22 year old son, who put me through hell, and now have a 16 year old daugter, who is doing fine, except for the talking back part!

I just walked away from a $50,000 a year job that was taking every ounce of energy I have left. Additionally, I was mandated to travel, and since I am not comfortable leaving my daughter alone....along with no one else to help...quitting was the best thing for me to do. However, there's always the financial pressure to deal with. I have been a single parent for almost 12 years now, and I feel so alone. What scares me the most is that I like it that way. It's tough to let anyone near a budding 16 year old girl, but even more discouraging is that I am not willing to take care of anyone else at this point in my life. Where are the men who are capable of sharing life versus controlling it? I mean no disrespect to the men in the forum...quite the opposite...I am expressing my feelings in the hope that men who are single-parenting can add some vision to what I am saying.

To Dave and all you other 50+ parents,
keep posting. you are the trialblazers for us younger moms and dads and we can learn alot from you. I may not always reply, but I always read.

hi dave-it is hard for me to write this,cause my ex is named dave.i know you t wo are noot the same person,it is hard,but,here i go.my daughter is 11 years old and is high energy kid.the school told me,she has adhd.if she has adhd,so does our dog.if these two were not different species,they would be sisters(maybe they are?).i am not in my 50's,i hear what yoou say about raising girls.they are hard to get along with,or to much with you,every time my daughter opens her mouth,dollar signs come out.i love my daughter with all my heart and soul,sometimes the dollar signsmay not be so much.i hear you and feel for you.daughter can be the greatest gift in our lives,it is cost us.thanks for remind how important she is.all for now.dale ellen.

Hi Dave,

I'm new to this site....just reading my way round and thought I'd say hello in passing

bluesky,
Welcome to the site. There are a lot of great people here. Hope you stick around.

Hi to all 50+ single dads. I'm new to the site and as a single mom of an 8 year old (I'm 50 but wasn't expecting single motherhood when I adopted her seven years ago).

We do fine...sometimes though, it would be nice to have a man involved to be "the law"; I find that it's harder to be the "dad" than the mom; much easier to nurture than to discipline. Hang in there, guys...I think if I had to choose, I'd rather be a single mom raising a teenage daughter than a single dad. I will tell you this, though...girls learn how to interact with men from interacting with their dads. You might not feel comfortable talking about the girl things, but take comfort in knowing her relationships with men as they grow to adults will be better because of what you're doing at home.

Hi, yes hello to all the 50+ single dads out there. I am also new to this site. I am 50 with 2 boys 10 & 12 yrs old. Now divorced after 31yrs married, i never dreamed i would be in this position. But, hey, life wasn't meant to be easy. Good wishes to all the single dads, its not an easy job, but the effort is well worth it.