I am in my first real relationship since my divorce, I have a two and a half year old and I would eventually like to sleep with someone else besides her. How do I make this transition? Any ideas? How do you explain another person, a man in your house to a two year old girl?

I personally would not have this person sleep over with your daughter there unless you know that it is a serious relationship. I think it would be too hard on her, she is too young to understand and you need to set a good example. Children need stability and security, they get this from us. So IMO and past experience it isn't a good idea to rush. When the time is right you will know. After you have a relationship with this person and your daughter as well, then it will just happen naturally. Well good luck to you and take care.

Well, I think that what Hutch is saying is grand, but you have a life too. I agree that it shouldn't be a random act, but I would guess if you are asking this question it isn't, so, I spent a couple of weeks allowing my son to sleep in the room with us. He still does this every now and again. Of course, you shouldn't do anything but sleep in that case, but I'm sure you know this. Anyway, he sleeps in his own room now for the most part and comes into the room with us in the morning, climbs into the bed and says "cut on cartoons mom". It worked for me, not to say it's perfect for you. Just a suggestion.

My daughter was older when I split with her dad but she was used to having the ppl around and slept in her own bed at the time. She still has days where she wants to sleep in my bed on weekends when my bf is staying over and she is just told firmly that this is mommy's bed and you have your own bed that is where you sleep. Another option might be getting her settled in her bed by lying down there with her for a little bit so she still has you lying with her but not in your bed in hers. Hope I helped!!!

Hutch has a point, but this is something that you should put a stop to regardless of having guests. My little sister is 16 and sleeps with my mother.

My mom hates it when my sister's sanitary products leak in her bed.

If positive re-enforcement, gold star/sticker charts and rewarding doesn't work, there is a last resort.

This is going to sound absolutely horrible, but it's the easiest way to get her in her own bed. It sounds bad, but it works. You just have to be strong.

Tuck her in, leave on a nightlight, kissy-smooch her little face, then go in your room and lock the door. She will scream, kick the door, say, "BUT I LOVE YOU, MOMMY! I JUST WANT A HUG!!" After three days, it'll be over.

Don't lock her in her room, that's wrong. Eventually she'll get tired, maybe she'll lay down in front of your door, but she will go back to her bed.

Just hope you don't live an apartment with thin walls..

quote:

Originally posted by MomSwift:
[qb] I am in my first real relationship since my divorce, I have a two and a half year old and I would eventually like to sleep with someone else besides her. How do I make this transition? Any ideas? How do you explain another person, a man in your house to a two year old girl? [/qb]

I believe there are 2 completely separate issues here, and they must be solved separately, and well separated in time as well:

1. The child needs to learn to sleep in her own bed.

2. The child needs to get familiar with the new man in the house.

I think you should never end up in the situation where you have to explain to a child that NO, she can NOT sleep with you 'Because there is someone else'.
It is important that that connection is never made in her mind.

We're in the situation, my son and I (2.5 years old as well), where he sleeps in his own bed always...EXCEPT sometimes on weekends, when he asks and it happens also when he's sick of course.

He often asks to sleep 'in the big bed', but I always say NO, and he accepts that no problem. It has become a game, almost, to ask, and have me refuse. He's just checking.

Until he was 2 years old he slept with me very often (we only had 1 bedroom, so it was even harder to have him stay in his bed), but then we moved into a bigger house, and since the first day he had his own room, that is where he sleeps.

I believe kids are asking us to set the rules, and then they will check regularly if the rules still apply, and if they do, they can accept that. At least Ian is that way. Things have to be done a certain way, and once it's explained, accepted and done once or twice, that's OK.

Red, very good point. New relationships are sometimes difficult enough with kids, and to add the resentment of not sleeping in your bed anymore "because" of the new person is just asking for extra resentments and problems.

Yes, that is a very good point, Red. She shouldn't associate having to sleep in her own bed with having guests.

It might cause a resentment towards him, and hurt her little heart.

I agree on the two separate issue part.

One, you are the boss and should not be manipulated by your child, in any way. At any age! Furthermore, if you don't want her to be co-dependent and insecure - you must set boundaries, now to ensure a good self esteem. A secure child does not just appear - they are groomed from birth. Make sure her room is sacred and so is yours - even if it takes a few nights of temper tantrums! Better now, than later.

Sleeping arrangements: I don't know the whole situation but I'm sure you are adult enough have gotten to know this man, very well, if you have allowed him into your home and your bed. If your relationship has evolved and you know everything about him and your daughter has been properly introduced and had an ample amount of time to know him and not be confused with his presence, then I should think its ok.

However, if not: Remember how it hurts to break up with someone? Would you wish that on your little girl? If not, why would you place her at risk of that type of pain at such an early age? Not to mention other potential dangers.

I truly hope that you are smarter than to have involved her in a new relationship. As you know, a persons true identity takes time to reveal.

You wouldn't want your daughter to start having *** before she begins to even date, would you? You want her to start by dating and getting to know a highschool sweetheart before having s e x with a boy that she barely knows? Dating is wonderful and that is one thing our teenagers have not been taught because they think its ok to have *** with just anyone. Why do you think that is? Its because we are a country full of single parents that haven't taken the time to teach our daughters and sons how to respect themselves, by example.

A new boyfriend should have enough respect for YOU to date and know you before asking to spend the night at your house OR YOU should have enough respect for your daughter that you do your hanky panky when your baby is not in the house. A committed relationship (that includes everyday meals, trips to the park, and family reunions) is the only one worthy of sleeping under the same roof when your children are around.

If you must sleep with someone new, under the same roof, at least, sneak him in after she is tucked safely into bed.

Don't settle for a man who doesnt portray the qualities that you want your son to grow up and be, or the man you want your daughter to grow up and marry! Take time to know what he is like in any situation - before you bring him around!! Please, for your daughters sake!

First you need to make the transition for her sleeping in her own bed well before your boyfriend stays over. I personally would go for rewards and just consistency, you could lie on her bed with her until she settles if she then gets up and gets in to your bed you have to take her back to her bedroom and settle her again.
As for explaining a mans presence I think you can have him come over more and more often having dinner with you both and generally becoming part of both your lives. And all you need to say initially is this is “Fred” and he is having dinner with us just as you would with any friend. I she wants to know more then he is a friend but your child is only 2 and I know with my 3 year old he would just accept it like he accepts my friends that come around and sometime stay with us. Until it is really serious I personally would avoid the whole girlfriend/boyfriend thing.

First you need to make the transition for her sleeping in her own bed well before your boyfriend stays over. I personally would go for rewards and just consistency, you could lie on her bed with her until she settles if she then gets up and gets in to your bed you have to take her back to her bedroom and settle her again.
As for explaining a mans presence I think you can have him come over more and more often having dinner with you both and generally becoming part of both your lives. And all you need to say initially is this is “Fred” and he is having dinner with us just as you would with any friend. I she wants to know more then he is a friend but your child is only 2 and I know with my 3 year old he would just accept it like he accepts my friends that come around and sometime stay with us. Until it is really serious I personally would avoid the whole girlfriend/boyfriend thing.

All good points, I especially like Red's. I have a not-so-new anymore love interest and my kids adore him. My daughter just loves him (and she's a great judge of character, if you ask me) and enjoys being around him. He spent Christmas with us, bought my kids gifts, plays with them, and is around a lot. He spends the night every once in awhile and I don't think my kids even know about it. Since they are usually asleep when he leaves anyway, they just think he left the night before (he leaves early for work). Strangely, my 3 year old daughter doesn't have nightmares when he's here. She has them often and sleeps with me when she does (1-3 x's a week). I don't think they would be bothered if they did know he was staying over. They love him anyway. I think that a relationship with the 2 adults and with the love interest and children needs to be at least on that level before sleeping over should happen. And only after kids are sleeping on their own.

You guys gave me some good ideas to get my daughter to sleep by herself-not becuase I want someone to sleep with me but I am tired of having her always in my bed every night! I don't know why I didn't think of rewards,or as I like to call them-bribes- before!"Bribes" work very well with my kids and my 5 yr old knows the value of a dollar!lol Even a treat or something else small will do. I am going to try this soon as see if it works.

Okay so this is Sunday night- I've started giving my daughter little treats every day (such as a little candy) for each night she does not sleep with me, and so far it is working, it has been 3 nights now and this is the longest she has gone not sleeping with me or even crying for me! Granted, she did wake up a couple times but did not give me a hard time at all about going back to bed. I cannot believe how well it is going! Well, I better knock on wood before I jinx myself!

I totally believe in bribery with kids. Motivation through positive rewards. I still bribe my kids on occasion.