Hi I am new to the site. I am 36 and have sole legal and physical custody of my 2 year-old daughter due to the fact that my Ex is a wacko. My daughter was an attempt to keep me in an abusive relationship or if that was not successful... guaranteed paycheck for 18 years.

The Ex only saw her daughter once last year. I have serious doubts that there will be any long term stability there and she will likely float in and out of our lives.

My question is this... I know I can do what needs to be done to be a great father for her... but how do I be a "mother" to her as well? What do you think some of the most important things are?

I am trying to build a network of other single parents for us to interact with and learn from. Some form of community "motherhood" where she can learn a little from other women and girls when it comes to things I have no idea about.

Any advice would be much appreciated...

Thanks,

-Knight

Funny you just posted this. I was thinking the same thing just the other day...except how do I be a "father" to my two children?

I'm about as confused about this as you are, so I'll be watching this thread for answers.

Thanks for posting this.

Hi-
Wow, that's a great question. Maybe some of the guys on the forum have some insight.

I've wondered too how to be a mom and a dad to my little one. I'm 36 with an 18 month old girl. Her dad is around but very inconsistently and he has an alcohol problem so he isn't an appropriate "dad" or male role model for her.
I do call myself a single parent instead of a single mom, though, because it seems I only hear "single mom" in the context of struggling financially and hard times. Yeah, I have some of that but it could be a lot worse. Life is good right now-

But more importantly, back to your question-
Is your daughter in daycare? My daycare provider is like a 2nd mom to my little one and I think that's great. Since most daycares are run by women, this would probably be a good place to start with a female role model.
And networking with other single parents is a good idea, too. You might be able to google a few groups in your area.

I don't think I will ever be a father to my child and I don't think you will ever be a mother for yours. Don't worry about what or who you have to be, just be there, that is what your child needs the most.

-Teresa

My sister told me something the other day that kind of helped me feel better about being a single parent..."It's better for my children to only have me (a good role model), especially when their father would be a negative influence on them." This is very true in my case. It may not be true for every situation though.

I often ask myself this same question as how do I be a mother and a father for my 3 year old. Her father has never been in her life and I doubt I will ever hear from him again. And I hope I don't as well. It was a negative situation that I refuse to put my daughter in.

Anyway, I'm not sure what kind of things you are talking about as I think any single parent can be a mother and a father. Fathers are known to pick you up and dust you off, they give the best hugs and are there for you to help you be strong in certain situations. Mothers can do the same but there are some things that fathers do best.

Are there specific things you are looking for answers to?

Welcome to the site btw. I'm one of the crazy people but I'm not the leader . . . if you look around, you will find out who that is.

Hi AKnightInThe Making,
I am new to this site too. To answer your question. You can't be a mother you can only be who you are. Her dad. Just be the best Dad you know how. Be open to good advise and take one day at a time. We all wish there was one manual to solve all our problems but it wasn't ever meant to be that way. I have 2 children ages 14 & 10. What i found is that i can't replace their father. No matter how bad a person he may be. It took a lot of bumping my head to get it down but i don't think i'm doing a bad job. I have my days when it seems like i can't make it another minute. You learn you have a few minutes to be down & out then it is back to business. The point is to keep your family together and focused. Even households with 2 parents have hard times. You provide your daughter with all the tools you can to be a great adult. She will be fine.

Thank you all for your input. It really helps me to understand what I need to do and not do. I could overwhelm myself pretty easily trying to put too much energy into something I am not (mother) and not have the energy to do the things I can do well.

I was thinking of talking to some of the ladies at church that do the childcare area to help me out every week by doing some specifically "girl" things with her. The same with her babysitters and such. Build up a network of women that can be a community mother to her.

I was even thinking about serving in the childcare area during one of the services just to have some time with the ladies to learn from them. Meet some of the other children Sophie's age and their parents and start building up friendships there.

It would be a little awkward for me but I know I could get through it.



For you ladies that need father figures for your sons... as a kid my father was kinda checked out of my life. My church had a boy scout type program that was awesome for me. One of the leaders took me under his wing and acted much like a surrogate father for me. I still to this day look back on my times with him and consider him to be somewhat of a father to me. Awesome upstanding man who didn't have children of his own.


Any other ideas?

quote:

Originally posted by mommy2A&A:
My sister told me something the other day that kind of helped me feel better about being a single parent..."It's better for my children to only have me (a good role model), especially when their father would be a negative influence on them." This is very true in my case. It may not be true for every situation though.

First..that's GREAT advice!

I must have missed this thread somehow...sorry.

My opinion, as a single dad...to reiterate...is be the best Dad you can. For answers and specific areas of question, come back to us...and have us all (including the women), give you our input on the situation...then of course, you take the men's advice.


::runs out of the room::

quote:

Originally posted by AKnightInTheMaking:


For you ladies that need father figures for your sons... as a kid my father was kinda checked out of my life. My church had a boy scout type program that was awesome for me. One of the leaders took me under his wing and acted much like a surrogate father for me. I still to this day look back on my times with him and consider him to be somewhat of a father to me. Awesome upstanding man who didn't have children of his own.


Any other ideas?

I like this idea. Thanks!

quote:

Originally posted by paulj_in_phx:
give you our input on the situation...then of course, you take the men's advice.


::runs out of the room::

LOL...

Knight-
I think that a good way for you to give her a good female role model is to take her to church. Most Sunday school teachers are female and most are devoted to their faith and have a passion to be a good role model.

However, I have to put a little disclaimer to this. My ex had an affair with the self proclaimed "church ho". How I wish I knew that she wasn't joking about that. She and her husband slid right into our life...another thing I didn't know was that in church they admitted to "finding someone else" when they were angry with each other. I was not in SS that day and my life was forever changed by this family. They were divorced in 31 days. My divorce is still pending...almost 1 1/2 years now.

Also, your mom could be a great female resource. There is nothing better than a "great" grandma! She may spoil your daughter, but will be a wealth of knowledge, pride, and unconditional love. I believe that no matter if there is only a mother/father figure as a parent, and you truly do your best, your best CAN be enough!

I work with children that are living with their father and have no contact their mother and the kids are wonderful. I also work with the opposite where they live with only a mother and their kids are wonderful. Then there are the two parent families where their kids are complete terrors for one reason or another. I don't think it has anything to do with the number of parents in a home, but the quality of a parent/parents in a home. It sounds like you are the kind of dad that will make everything just fine


Good luck!

~Glad

Knight,

My best advice is to simple be a father. Giving your child love and showing her that you care will teach her the core values that will sustain her through out her life. As far as a female role model she will find that in her own due time. Learning from a father is immensely important for young girls.

Girls will be girls and boys will be boys regardless to who is the primary custodial parent. My son is "such a boy" and he didn't have his father in his life on a daily bases. Kids are resilient and as parents sometimes we worry over things that will take care of themselves.

Just be the "knight in shining armor" she needs in her young life to show her what she'll want in her older years and she'll be fine.

Thanks Key and all the rest. This site is really helping me realize what I need to do. It is also keeping me from taking on something that I just can't do.

I feel a lot more peaceful about it. Thanks!!

I'm sorry I didn't read this before, I was out of town and kind if busy.
I've been raising my daughter (5) since she was 1 1/2 years old due to her mother been in a car accident.
The one thing I can tell you she misses a mother figure, a woman in her life, She gets very friendly with the girl next door, waitresses, women at school, everybody, I took her to the shrink once, she recommended me to find her a big sister type of thing so she can have somebody to do girl things.
I always take her to the park so she can play and interact with other people, organize play dates with other mother at school, etc., At the beginning it felt kind of awkward been just one of the moms but I gotten used to it. On 4/19 it will be 4 years for the two of us and I can tell you without a doubt that I'm having the time of my life.
Good luck and talk to you soon

Knight,
If your daughter needs a mother, why not try a russian mail order bride? As an added bonus, she won't argue with you (in english anyway) and she can teach your daughter a foreign language! LOL - just kidding -

I don't know what to say except that I think the women in your life - the stable ones - will be important. More than the ones you date, the ones who stick around and stay in her life, like aunts or friends... I don't know about big sister organizations, but it might be a good option.

Hang in there and best of luck...

As said before, you can only be you!

no one can take place of a "mother" but if you have sisters or your mother surrowed her with them. In time you will meet someone great and women are natually motherly so for now don't stress to much about it, just be the best Dad you know how to be.

I read this thread some time ago, but didn't have anything to add. But tonight, I just had a thought of something my ex told me way back when we were dating. His 2 daughters were ages 6 and 7 at the time. He told me that the best thing he could do for his daughters was to treat *me* like gold, so that *they* would know and expect the same treatment when they became young women.

I have to admit, it was one of the things that really won me over. And I believe it to be a true principle. Too bad, he talked the talk but didn't walk the walk..