My son's father just left my house. He was here for supervised visitation. It is usually just me, my son and him when he comes over - I don't know if the mediator was trying to play match maker or what by making this arrangement. I'm totally not comfortable, I can't stand the guy. He brings out feelings in me that I have never had. When he is holding my son, I just want to hurt him - never in my life have I ever hurt someone or felt that I actually wanted to. Of course, I never will unless it is self defense. He's such a slimeball and I can't understand how him being in my son's life is in my son's best interest. Under normal circumstances, I do believe it is important to have both parents in a child's life, but I'm having a hard time understanding how it is best in my situation. My son's father is a pathological liar, con-artsist, and according to some things I have been reading he fits the description of a sociopath. All of which are very difficult to prove to a mediator or judge. I tried my best. My concern is how is my son going to be affected by these behaviors? I have tried to find info on the affects of these behaviors on children, but have not had any luck. I am going to do my best to teach him right from wrong, but if he is exposed to the wrong at the same time isn't that going to confuse him? In my gut I truely feel that in my case my son would be better off without this man. I don't want anything from him, I can find a way to make ends meet without any child support - my son's well-being is most important to me. I feel like no one is taking me seriously about all of this and I don't have anyone to talk to - my "friends" all seemed to have fled shortly after I had my son. I feel like I'm stuck in a corner that keeps getting smaller. It seems that every time I work towards doing something good for my son and I, I get shot down. I tried to get on welfare today so that I could go back to school and got denied. I can go back in a month or two and probably get approved, but I won't be able to go to school for what I want -to get a B.A. in Liberal Studies and get teaching credentials. Welfare will only help me for 18 months of schooling. Which I would be greatful for, it just upsets me that I have to possibly give up my dreams. I always wanted to be able to stay home for the first few years of my child's life, go to school, have the whole family thing, and be able to support myself and kids on my own if I had to. The father didn't have to give up anything, he just up and left and when it was convinient for him he decided to try to be a part of my son's life. If he was a good man, that would be ok, but I don't trust him and I am not comfortable with putting my son's life in his hands at any time. When he left and shortly before he left lie after lie just kept unraveling. I tried everything that I could to keep him from leaving even though I knew he just kept telling me more lies. I'm glad that he did leave because that would have been unfair to myself and my son if I just went along with his "stuff". Sorry this is so long and that I rambled on. I do feel a little better. I'm glad I found this place.

Welcome, welcome, nova!!! Is there a safe exchange place in your town? A place where he could see the baby without seeing you?

I think there might be some place like that. I have overheard another mom talking about taking her kid somewhere for the father to have supervised visitation. I think there might be fees involved. The mediator was pretty adamant about this. I felt as though if I didn't agree to what the mediator said she would find me as being uncooperative and I feel that if I don't cooperate accordingly I may lose even more time with my son. This has yet to be court ordered. My attorney had to postpone my court date but said that I should implement the mediator's reccomendation to the judge.

In my town there is place called Alex and Brandon Safety Center. There is a $15 fee per visit that is split 50/50. You should contact the mediator ASAP, and ask for their assistance in finding a neutral visitation place.

If you offer to pay for 100% of the fees, you will most likely get what you request. I think it's tax deductable, too. Find out the cost first, but if it's within your means, offer to eat the costs. I hope it works out.

I agree with leftover, if you don't wish to have those supervised visits at your place speak to your attorney before this next court date. Look into other arrangements. Just talk to the lawyer about options he/she may know of, as well as what are the chances that the judge would just grant unsupervised visitation instead just to be sure it doesn't backfire.
Down the road even if it starts out supervised as long as things go well for him during that time he could still end up petitioning for unsupervised visitations.
But concentrate on the here and now first.

Thanks leftover, I'll look into it.

Does anyone have any ideas about where I might find info regarding how lying (patholigical liars, con-artists, etc.) affects children?

If the judge goes with what the mediator recommended, the supervised visits will only be for the first six weeks. I just wish there was a way I could prove what kind of person he really is. All I really have for proof is my word. Being that neither the judge nor the mediator know either one of us, how are they to know who is being honest? He is very good at putting on a show.

Nova,
Look into the supervised visitation center. It will be in your best interests in the long run. I am going through much of the same thing as you are. Luckily my daughter is much older. What I got told last week by her counselor is "Unless you can show physical proof that he has abused her physically there is nothing you or I can do. You can not prove mental or emotional abuse." She is basically accusing me of parental alienation. I tell you this so you will be careful how you word things and how rigorous you are in telling the mediator things about him. It is your word against his and you want what ever you say to be taken to heart by the judge and mediator.
I wish you much luck.

You can look into parental alienation syndrome.. but very hard to prove in court.

The Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) is the systematic denigration by one parent by the other with the intent of alienating the child against the other parent. The purpose of the alienation is usually to gain or retain custody without the involvement of the father. The alienation usually extends to the father's family and friends as well.

My intent is not to alienate my son, but to protect him from a bad person. I know that I won't be able to protect him from everything. I'm not trying to alienate him from the rest of the father's family either. I do plan on contacting his mother soon by mail as I have my doubts that she even knows that she is a grandmother. He made it a point that I never met any of his family or friends. I also have concerns about my son's physical safety as the father killed one of our dogs. I don't think it was on purpose (at least to the best of my knowledge but I also thought I knew this guy), but it could have easily been avoided. My actions are not in any way to get back at him for what he did to me (and our son). I do not intend to ever speak badly to or around my son about him.

No, no, no. You misunderstood. You said he was a pathological liar and a possible sociopath. That's where the alienation comes in, on HIS part, not yours.

Replace the word "father" with "mother" in your definetion.

Thanks for clarifying, I see what you are saying.

nova:

my ex is the same way. I have gone back and forth to court with him. He actually took me to court for custody once. I am getting prepared right now to go back into court. They are right, proving parental alienation is hard. Proving someone a sociopath is even harder. It gets worse if they make you do it with the sociopath in the room with you. Your story suddenly goes to pieces. My first mediator was fabulous and saw right through him. The others have all been fooled. He sees my son 30% of the time and theres nothing I can do to stop it. I have constantly spoken up about the state of my ex's house, the fact my son comes home with animal feces on his clothes and shoes, and dad doesn't bother to clean it up. Dad will also allow Blair to wear clothes that he has peed in, then let dry. He told me if I had a prblem with Blair being dirty, I should dress him in pink and give him a barbie doll. I have told judges and mediators all this, but he just turns around and says I am making it up to get back at him and keep his son from him! He also would use the fact that I have seen couselors to say I am crazy and shouldn't be around my son. Well at least I get help for my problems! This time I intend to remind my mediators and judge to read the entire court documents before making any decisions. If you read it, you see four years of consistantly the same complaints, more and more evidence. (clothes I have saved, pictures, e-mails) but the courts are so busy they don't want to read all that. They want you to present 7 years worth of stories and evidence in a 30 minute session with a mediator. I am going to stress how important it will be to go back and read ALL the documents. It will show that I am still complaning about the same thigns I complained about 4 years ago, and he's still insisting I am making it up. I don't have much hope in getting full custody. I am hoping they cut it down to every other weekend.

Thanks for sharing Serphin. My son is only five months old and I already have the feeling my story is going to be pretty close to yours - going back to court over and over.

Today I finally got up the nerve to talk to him. I haven't really talked to him since I was still pregnant. When he comes over I try to focus on the TV or something so I don't say anything that he could try to use against me, but I just couldn't hold it in anymore. I feel my son and I deserve some kind of explanation as to why he did what he did. I didn't really expect that I would get the truth, but I hoped that maybe over time and that if he was really was concerned about our son that maybe he would have grown up a little and be honest me. He gave me the same answers that didn't give any explanation of his actions or anything, he didn't show any remorse for what he did to us - nothing. He makes me feel like I am wrong for accusing him of such thing and just making this stuff up. I have to remind myself of the pictures and that I'm not the only one that witnessed his actions. I'm not the crazy one. I just can't understand any of this. I wanted to contact his mom as I don't know if she even knows that she is a grandmother, but my attorney advised against it today. He said it's not my problem, but what if this is the only grandchild she ever has and doesn't even know that he exists? I just feel so lost in all of this. I feel like there is nothing I can do. I love my son with all of my heart and I know that I am a good parent, lately though I feel like I haven't been there for him as much as I should because my mind is on all this other stuff. My dad suggested that I seek out some kind of therapy to help me through this. I've always been somewhat leary of therapy - it seems they are quick to prescribe drugs of some sort and I don't think drugs are the solution for this. Thanks again for giving me a place to vent!