Chasing After Child Support.
By Barbara Rose
� Copyright by Barbara Rose. All Rights Reserved.

Child support is often a source of contention between ...divorced parents of minor children. I understand this. I have been there. In an ideal situation, the parent who is responsible for paying child support does so out of love for his or her children.

Unfortunately, many of our post-marital relationships are not ideal. Many parents do not pay child support. Some because they genuinely cannot afford to do so. Others parents simply are not willing to. In the latter case, they resent giving money to their former spouse. Bitterness results. Fighting ensues, and the child support enforcement battles begin.

Every parent knows that the financial resources needed to provide children with all they require and ask for is tremendous. Most single parents cannot afford to give their children all they wish they could. I was no different.
When I did not receive the child support that was agreed upon during my divorce, my reaction was quite common. It turned out to be futile, and tragic, at the same time.

I borrowed money from my grandmother, hired an attorney, and went after child support with a vengeance. I had income deduction orders in effect. My former husband was sent to jail twice for failure to obey repeated court orders to pay child support. I was consumed with anger, and I justified my anger by focusing on, and trying to enforce, his responsibilities. However, I could not control his actions. I could not make him fulfill his responsibilities. At the same time, I wasted thousands of borrowed dollars on legal fees that got me nowhere. This issue became a raging source of anguish and hostility between us.
What I am about to say may shock you, and yet, I speak from bitter experience. If the parent refuses to do what is required of them, all you can do is focus on fulfilling that need for yourself and your children, on your own.

When a parent refuses to take responsibility for their children, you cannot change them. Yes, it is wrong. Yes, it is not fair. Yes, it is for the children. However, when a parent chooses to do what is right, fair and just for his or her own child, that is solely their choice. No matter how hard you try, you cannot force another person to fulfill their obligations. For when you do, retaliation results in the form of revenge.

In my own case, when I could no longer turn to my grandmother for financial help, and still continued to try to enforce child support payment, the result was that I was sued for custody. The motive was revenge.

I did not have money to hire an attorney to represent me throughout the custody litigation process. As a result, I was railroaded. I unjustly lost primary custody of my children. When this happened, I felt like I lost my soul.

My advise to you as a single parent is to do all you can to maintain open, cordial, civil communication with your former spouse. Be grateful for whatever they contribute. Do not seek to get more, for you risk losing everything.

When you are dependent upon another person for the survival of both yourself and your children, you remain a victim. A victim of dependency. A victim of revolving your time and energy around the other person, when you could use that time to better yourself, and your own finances, for your children.

Is this fair? Taking personal responsibility to fulfill your parental obligations is empowering. It leaves you with a feeling of satisfaction, and pride in watching yourself rise, despite all obstacles. Is it fair that the other parent �get away� with it all? They cannot get away with their own conscience. If they are not giving to their children, they will find their children are not willing to give to them in return when they are grown.

What you sew you shall reap. Give to your children. Do the best you can. Let the other parent �get away� with whatever they choose. In the end, they will find they have lost out on sharing their lives with their children, while you will have your children through your old age.

Hindsight is 20/20 vision. I wasted time, money and energy chasing after child support. As a result, I have bi-weekly visitation rights with the children I gave birth to. Is this fair? No. It is a travesty. I hope to spare you this same injustice and agony. Take whatever your former spouse is willing to give, say thank you, and leave the rest alone.

Barbara Rose, author of: Individual Power: Reclaiming Your Core, Your Truth, and Your Life, and If God Was Like Man, brings through profound information to create the highest vision of your life. Her nationally praised seminars, articles, column: Success after Divorce, books and award winning website have helped uplift thousands of lives. She is the founder of American People for Family Justice � Child Legislation, which is dedicated to protecting the rights of children via legislation.


Born to Inspire[EMAIL]barbara*borntoinspire.com[/EMAIL]

Barbara,

Thanks so much for sharing your story. I'm in tears as I reply due to a similar situation. I haven't lost custody yet, but he may try and gain custody. He is very wealthy and I am dirt poor.

God Bless,

Harriet

Harriet,

Thank you so much for letting me know that my story made a difference for you. Please, no matter what you do, be civil and cordial w/ your ex. Don't fight over old issues. Just drop them completely.
This way, you won't be provoking him, and he won't be fueled with reasons to "get back at you."
God Bless you too!

From my heart,
Barbara RoseBorn to Inspire.Com[EMAIL]barbara*borntoinspire.com[/EMAIL]

I wish more people understood this. I was an adult child of divorce and I vowed with all my heart to not have the bitterness my parents had towards each other. It takes patience and selflessness -- and you walk a fine line with being walked all over -- but the focus is always your children - having a happy secure childhood. My ex hasn't paid CS in 2 years, but even with that, he still doesn't have a dime to his name. If I went after him for $$ he'd take it out on the kids -- so it's best to let him know that he's not supporting his kids -- I mention something to him and give him a spreadsheet about twice a year. I believe in karma.

Those of you who know me, know that I work in the legal system and I have seen clients get railroaded just like Barbara Rose. I agree that it is ridiculous what people can get away with. But then one day, a client of mine was one that got away with everything. It was very upsetting and I began to wonder if I really wanted to work in this field anymore. But then I thought, I have helped out so many people with their custody battles. When clients come in to your office and you are there working on their case, whether it be divorce, child support or custody, you feel for them because it could happen to you. You try to help them the best you can, and that's what I do.

That is exactly whats wrong with our legal system!!!! My heart goes out to you. That is why visitation and child support should not be seperate issues! How is he able to afford an attorney when he does not pay child support??? And bitterness is warrented in a situation like that but sometimes you must know when to let it go. Thanks so much for sharing your story and I hope that he gets what he deserves and you get your children back

The ever amazing legal system, I feel for you, I'm sorry you lost primary custody but you raised a point that I tried to raised in the past and all I got was bitter responses.
I believe both parents should be financially responsible for raising their kids but if one of them fail to do so, you can't dwell on that because it'll eat you alive. I know it has to be hard seeing your ex living the high life without worries when all you do is change diapers, hard to digest.
The legal system does it all the time, you hear of mothers that wants to come back into the kids life after so many years of being junkie and the judge gives them a second chance because they are the mothers and deserve a second chance.
The way that I see it is very simple, If you fail to be a father/mother for sometime it means that you child would've died if it wasn't for somebody else who cared for him/her so you are out, no second chances because a child can't afford the luxury of not eating this year because you are going through a personal crisis.