I'm not sure if anyone remembers my story.. But I haven't seen my son in 3 years and my ex wanted to make an agreement saying that I will not see him until he's 14 because she strongly feels it would be bad for him and confusing if I just walked into his life. Anyway, she didn't send me anything and I've been sending her money and clothes and things for our son.. she was ignoring me for awhile so I thought that maybe she wasn't sure about what she was doing and was going to wait awhile to see if I keep sending things and stay involved.. But I just got a message from her.. she said she was very busy with school but is going to the lawyers soon and will be sending me the agreement.. I don't really want an agreement that I can't see him.. I wish she would give me more time to prove myself to her. As single mothers yourself what are some things you wish YOUR exs would do to help out with the kids? What are things you would like to hear from your ex? Thanks Ladies.

The decision to keep a parent away from a child is a tough one. I don't know your story, but am guessing that your history with her has not been a stable one.

For me it would be important that once you are in the kids life you stay there. regularly. without fail. That means not breaking promises, showing up when you say you will, and being reliable. No excuses.

If you want to be in your kid's life, what are you waiting for? Get in it. Be there. And then stay there for good. If you don't think you can do that, then sign the papers and wait til you are ready.

good luck.

but she will not let me see him.. I don't even know where my son lives, I have to send the money and gifts I buy for him to her parents house and they forword it on to her.. She swears to me that going to court would be too hard on our son and it wouldn't be good for him. I went through the court scene when I was only a little older than my son and it really did cause a lot of problems for me as a child. I do not want that for my son.. I just wish there was something I could do to make her change her mind and try to work something out with me that we BOTH agree to and not just her.

I applaud you for helping out supporting your son. How old is your son? I would say this-- find out how much you can physically be in your son's life. Do some real soul searching before agreeing to anything. If you can guarantee consistent visits with him, do so. The worst thing you can do is be there when it is only convenient for you-think of hiim always first. In and out of his life will only hurt him. Better to be out of his life completely until he decides to find you then to be there only part of the time. Again, great job on sending money, but money and gifts do not provide a child love-- consistentcy does. ( not that I am the expert on that-nor is my ex consistent- but I am trying and so keep trying)

my son is almost 4 and a half. Do you think there is anything I can do to get her to work something out outside of court. I can send her things and money every month for some time to show consistency and then we can work out visatation slowly. I guess it is easier said then done. I'm really starting to think the only way I will get anywhere is to take her to court but I'm so worried that she will charge me with neglect and the court agree with her that it is better if I don't see him. I in no way see how it is better for him and I don't know what else I can do to prove myself to her.

If you are serious about seeing your child, you don't need to wait for her to take you to court. Get a lawyer. Start the proceedings yourself to get some visitation. If you are stable and a possible good influence I don't see why a judge wouldn't allow you at least some supervised visitation to start forming a relationship with your child. If you don't fit that description, then you should be working on becoming a suitable parent. I wouldn't sign away your rights if what you really want is to be a parent.

quote:

Originally posted by missabb:
If you are serious about seeing your child, you don't need to wait for her to take you to court. Get a lawyer. Start the proceedings yourself to get some visitation. If you are stable and a possible good influence I don't see why a judge wouldn't allow you at least some supervised visitation to start forming a relationship with your child. If you don't fit that description, then you should be working on becoming a suitable parent. I wouldn't sign away your rights if what you really want is to be a parent.

As always....agreeing with missab

quote:

Originally posted by Trey's Daddy:

As always....agreeing with missab

Me too

I'm so sorry for asking the same things over and over again. As parents yourself, if your 4 year old child's other parent decided he/she wanted to see him/her after 3 years would you think it is a good idea for your child or would it only cause drama in his/her life? I know my ex loves our son, our son is her world and I do think she knows whats best for him and she says that he's at a bad age for me to just show up. But at the same time I just wish so much that I could understand her concerns and prove her wrong. I wish there was a way she would agree to me seeing him.. I would of course still go to court over the child support. I know all the conflict that would start between the ex and I if I took her to court would not be good for our son. I wish there was another way.. but there really isn't anything I can do to change her mind is there?

Joe, you have my sympathy. You seem sincere about this. You would have to convince her that you meant to be a presence in his life that would be permanent. I don't know you and I don't want to make assumptions about you, but I'm guessing your ex has reason to think you won't stick around. That would not be good for your child. Children are very traumatized when parents pop in and out of their lives, and she is right to protect your child from that. I'm sorry, but that's a concern single parents face. So, if you can't convince her you are able to do that, your only option would be legal...in which case you'll have to prove to a judge that you have what it takes.

by the way, thanks TD and Erin

I do think I can convince a judge. My problem is hurting my son as well as her. I already hurt her once and she has her life together and I don't want to cause her anymore stress or pain. I messed up once.. one big time.. I never should have walked away from the conflict between her and I because I now realise not only did I walk away on her but I also walk away on my son. I feel like maybe shes right, maybe it is too late, he doesn't even know my name and that breaks my heart. I would NEVER make that mistake again. NEVER!! My concern is also what is he going to think when he's older "Why did this man put my mom through so much stress just when she had her life together" or "Why did my father not fight to see me" I really don't know what she'll tell him when he's old enough to understand but I'm sure he'll believe her over me.

Nobody can tell you what to do in this case. I think that you need to sit down and question your motivations, question her motivations, and think about what is best for the child. In the meantime, there is no rush for you to sign away your rights, is there? Just because she wants you to? It's a big decision and you should do it on your own time, when you feel sure you've come to the right decision.

ps, I dont think making mistakes--even big ones--means your child shouldn't know you. At some point your son will want to know why you've made the decisions you have. Make sure that you can tell him with certainty that you've done what you thought was in his best interest--no matter what choice that is.

quote:

Originally posted by missabb:
Nobody can tell you what to do in this case. I think that you need to sit down and question your motivations, question her motivations, and think about what is best for the child. In the meantime, there is no rush for you to sign away your rights, is there? Just because she wants you to? It's a big decision and you should do it on your own time, when you feel sure you've come to the right decision.

ps, I dont think making mistakes--even big ones--means your child shouldn't know you. At some point your son will want to know why you've made the decisions you have. Make sure that you can tell him with certainty that you've done what you thought was in his best interest--no matter what choice that is.

Not to sound like a broken record, but I agree with missabb again.

is there anyway to reverse that if I signed it? I'm not sure what I will do

If you don't want to go through with it, don't sign it. I'm sure you could go back to court later to try and reverse it, but expect that to be costly and time consuming with no guarantees it will work.

The reality is that you do have to make a decision at some point here. This is probably why your ex is wanting this agreement. You're still not sure you want to be a parent. In the meantime she has to wait and wonder when you're going to show up--or IF you're going to show up. My advice is to think it through carefully and make a decision one way or the other that you can live with and then follow through. No matter which choice you make, it will bring a sense of permanency or finality for her and your son. Does that make sense?

kayley's mommy - how long has it been since you're ex seen your daughter? If he had his life together in a year or two would you want him walking back into her life? I've decided to wait for the agreement in the mail because someone had told me before that it might help me in court because it will prove that she has been trying to keep me out of our son's life. I'm applying for legal aid as soon as I get it. Hopefull I will qualify or I'm going to have to find a second job.. I'm going to school so that would be very hard to do.

I just spent the evening with my friend's three year old son. My ex recently told me my son didn't want to see me but after my even with my friend's son I really think she's lying. I don't think it would tramatize him at all if I started seeing him again. The little boy I was with was soo happy to just hang out with another guy. We had so much fun! He was sad when he had to leave.. and this is a child who really doesn't have any ties with me. I think my son will be thrilled to see me. I don't mean to be selfish but I'm going to have to hurt my ex one more time by taking her to court. I would rather hurt her then my son and I know that every little boy needs a father. My son is only 4 and I think there is still time to form an ever lasting relationship.

quote:

Originally posted by joecandy22:
I just spent the evening with my friend's three year old son. My ex recently told me my son didn't want to see me but after my even with my friend's son I really think she's lying. I don't think it would tramatize him at all if I started seeing him again. The little boy I was with was soo happy to just hang out with another guy. We had so much fun! He was sad when he had to leave.. and this is a child who really doesn't have any ties with me. I think my son will be thrilled to see me. I don't mean to be selfish but I'm going to have to hurt my ex one more time by taking her to court. I would rather hurt her then my son and I know that every little boy needs a father. My son is only 4 and I think there is still time to form an ever lasting relationship.

I think you are doing the right thing.

I really think you are a great person for putting your daughter before yourself. If only my ex were as reasonable.

quote:

My son is only 4 and I think there is still time to form an ever lasting relationship.

Absolutely.

I agree with Don. I think if you are willing to build a bond and spend the time to make yourself part of your child's life . . . good for you!

Disclaimer: This does not apply to my daughter's father.

quote:

Originally posted by joecandy22:
My ex recently told me my son didn't want to see me but after my even with my friend's son I really think she's lying. I don't think it would tramatize him at all if I started seeing him again.

I was wondering about this myself. I dont see how you coming in to his life would traumatize him. As long as you were responsible about it and stayed in his life. It might be confusing--might not go as smoothly as you imagine it. But, if you are committed to becoming a parent, then you can make it work.