Alright, well to start off I am Marc and 23 years old. I have 2 sons and 1 girl. Jaylen 4, Ethan 2, and Olivia 9 months. In December of 2007 at just after christmas my common law wife at the time decided she had enough. We never really had any problems aside from what couples usually go through, bickering, money issues etc etc.. Never the less we planned on moving back to Toronto on the first of January. She had been asking me time and time again to move back and start are life over again there with our children. Finally i gave in and we had our flight booked, i had a job there and we were set.

From the 26th to the 30th she had been goin out at night saying she would play cards with her friends from the casino. This happend every month or so, bu only 1 night a month. Well after coming across some emails she left open and what not i see she had been talkin to someone else, and spending time with them. On December 31st she told me and that was it.
We were over.

I tried to work things out with her but it failed and after arguing for 2 weeks straight she left the house after an arguement. She did not return home for the next month. We talked and what not but nothing happened. I was left at home with our 3 children.

She missed our sons 4th birthday on the 7th of January. Basically in a nut shell she has not returned home for the past 6 months. We are definitley over and she is living with her new boyfriend, the one i had been cheated on with.

Now, my stupidity has got the best of me. She is still collecting the child tax benefit cheques. Every single one since she has left, and she has not given me any. We talked back and forth a couple times, and finally after the arguements im trying to make ammends. Ive asked her to give that money to me, she will not. She always begs me please don't get lawyers involved blah blah blah. She has never had our children for any longer then 4 hours at a time, and that is usually once or twice a month.

I am 23 years old, she is 31. I always thought of her as the better parent, and she was wonderful when she was home. Always put them first no matter what. There has been no law involved what so ever. No lawyers, no custody battle, nothing.

Oddly enough I am living with her parents. She has cut all ties with her family. Maybe because of her guilt and stupidity. So she know tells me that on July 28th, all this money she has been taking has bought her a house and she wants the kids to move in with her at that time. She has spoken before saying she will take them, and chances were given. She never lasted more then a day.

Its very bothersome for me and it hurts like **** because this bonehead she is with has a daughter too. He just sperated from his wife on Dec 4th. Yea yea I know they have been planning this for who knows how long.

So really, i'm just lost. I havent had one day for myself since she left. I havent been to the gym for which i went 5 days a week before, i havent done a damn thing. But its ok, because of think of my childrens faces when i hit times like this. I love them to death and i break into tears when i even think of not being able to wake up in the same house with them and go to sleep in the same. Its been my life for the past 4 years. I wasnt always the best parent, but i still tried.I kind of just want some advice on what i should do. I was leaning over to let her have the children and give some time to myself. It will hurt so much but me living at her parents house isn't the ideal situation.

My health has declined significantly. Im an alcoholic now. I smoke, and i sleep usually 4 hours a night. I don't eat healthy either. The only thing i look foreward to is going to work, so i can get my mind of things and do something else.

Anyways, all in all, I just want someone to comment on what i have said. Some advice or a step in the right direction.

Hi Marc, and welcome to the forum.
My first suggestion get some help if need be for the drinking. Sounds like you're drinking to numb the pain and that's never a good reason.

I also suggest to get the lawyers involved. Her taking the money meant for the kids isn't right, let the law handle it and quit being so "nice" about it. It's bad enough what she's doing to you....and even worse what she's doing to the kids. Not sure what to tell you about letting her take the kids, I'd have trouble doing that .....she left in such a way that she showed that she was the priority and not them, why did that change?....is it because of the money? I'd surely wouldn't just make a snap decisions about that without speaking with a lawyer and thinking it all over some.

And, I have a feeling that if you pick yourself up from this, the drinking/smoking etc and get back to the gym at least occasionally that it will also help you feel better. I work a physical job so I get my exercise that way, but I really feel the difference when I get inactive even for a few weeks. Recently I shut down the business to deal with my daughter in the hospital for surgery and then recovery, total of 3 weeks and man did I feel it. I know it's not particularly easy with kids but something can be done....even free weights at home for a while.

Becoming inactive is not the answer. If you're living with her family isn't there some time where they can watch the kids while you go to the gym or just out by yourself for some quiet time? I would definitely think long and hard about letting her have the children since she just keeps walking away. That could be really harmful for them. Also, get a lawyer about the money. The kids are owed that money not her. If she spent it in on a house then that's just a crappy move on her part. I know this is hard, but you have to get up and do what's best for your kids and yourself.

Well thank you for both of your input. I really want to do whats right but im always hoping in the back of my head she will turn around and be a mother again. Im always hoping or the best. Maybe im just nieve but I cant help it. She will always be the mother of my children. I guess I'm kind of in disbelief still that this has happened and I can't believe I have to pick up the pieces. Life isn't easy though i guess and there are people going through much worse situations then I am. I guess i am one of the classic "Why me??".....She asked me yesterday to see her daughter. I asked her for milk and diapers. She didn't reply so neither did I. Her excuse for not seeing the children is so she doesn't get their hopes up. She knows they will cry when they see her so she wants to keep that to a minimum. She succeded at that.

Maybe I'm just overwhelmed with everything. I thought that with the past 6 months behind me I was ready to move on. I'm over her. I'm kind of just in aw still though. My kids are healthy and happy. Her parents do help out a lot. The situation ain't the best but well.. My parents are about 2400km away. I thought about moving back but...I don't know. I'm just talking off the top of my head. Thank you for listening to my senseless rambling.

I just started seeing a therapist. (Not a court ordered one, and just for myself. For those of you who know my story.)
He gave me some good advise that I thought I'd share with you.
You are a nice person, but you don't have to be nice to someone who is not deserving of it.
Sorry to hear about your painful situation. You'll be ok with time.

I agree with everyone here. There's a time and place to be nice .. and then there's not. You have rights and so do your children. As I've said a billion times over on this board, start a paper trail. When the courts ask you for proof, you're going to need it or it just ends up being he-said, she-said. I don't think it's that easy for her to just say she's going to take the kids once she's settled into her home. If you believe she'll do that, then I would get a lawyer involved ASAP. Court proceedings can take a long time and if the children are in her care, it's going to be harder for you to get them back. My lawyer had my ex sign a temporary agreement that he was to take and return my son for specific times until the court rulings were issued. This gave me the safety net I needed, in case he decided he was just not going to return him. Again, if he did and I didn't have his signature, then I wouldn't of gotten the sole custody that I did. Keep that in mind and I can't stress that enough!

Its a sad comment on life but the facts are you can't make someone a mother/father. Protect your kids, the court is the answer. If not. you will be dealing with the **** for a long while before the court straitens the mess out and relizes whats really up.