Debt, Health issues and especially Children, in MY mind are NOT Baggage;
what I'm talking about is being broken, damaged; emotionally, mentally and maybe even spritually.

Some of you know I recently met a very nice lady, a lady who seems to genuinely "like" me. This lady is VERY, VERY MUCH what I'm looking for.

And myself....well, I think ( No, I KNOW) I am definitely a "Match" for her.

This puts me in a very interesting situation:

On the one hand, I'm a HOPELESS romantic; all of the things you see men do in movies...I naturally do them in a heartbeat:
flowers
candy
notes
poems
favors
silly things

I have NO PROBLEM showing, admitting or confessing my affection or attraction to a woman. I'm VERY "in touch" with my feelings; Always have been. (Until NOW).

On the other hand:
I've been done wrong....so many times:
Cheated on (not really sure how many times anymore)
lied to
physically abused
mentally abused
emotionally abused
left
and then asked to forgive.

I've been trampled, stepped and stomped on by my Ex and women in general.

I'm damaged goods...seriously.

As much as I want a woman in my life, I'm terrified of it.

Can I be a great mate? Oustandingly So! I strive to be a GREAT EXAMPLE of what "MAN" should be!

IF!! IF I could get past the ONE big hurdle....and pretty much ALL of us, deal with it.....

...TRUST.

I've been lied to, so many times...and it causes me to 2nd guess situations, to which, I'm terrified of messing things up.

The lady I started seeing...had to "postpone" our date until tomorrow...."POSTPONE" mind you...NOT CANCEL. This alone tells me something about her...something GOOD.

But, my stupid "DAMAGED" heart and mind...just automatically runs through scenarios that I've "LIVED" in the past. Thinking things like:

What if she's lying to me because she had a better date tonight...and that's why she postponed?

This kind of thinking is SO stupid...SO, SO STUPID!! I KNOW THIS!!

And even if it was TRUE, I have NO CLAIM on her, Anyway!!

But the thoughts come up anyway....She, nor anyone I meet for that matter, doesnt deserve this kind of thing....whether she knows it's happening or not.

How do I, (FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!) get past this?

Some of you may say "TIME"; Time will heal it all...and to that I say this....With time I grow MORE and MORE cynical and skeptical.

Those of you that have know me long enough, I'm sure can see this.

I see hopelessness for me, more than anything else ...and the possibility I may ruin a very "Great" thing in my life.

MEN....no,People .... Sukk.

Why do we hurt each other the way we do?

PAUL YOU REMEMBER THAT OLD HALL AND OATS SONG THAT GOES " ITS SO EASY TO HURT OTHERS WHEN YOU CANT FEAL PAIN.....MAYBE JUST A LOT OF HURT PEOPLE OUT THERE THAT HAVE BEEN RUN THROUGH THE RINGER.....FORGET THE PAST INDESCRETIONS YOU ARE A SMART DUDE AND KNOW THAT NOTHING CHANGES THE PAST SO LEAVE IT THERE...HOPE THIS GOES GOOD FOR YOU WITH THE NEW WOMAN...NOTHING MAKES LIFE MORE FUN OR MORE UNHAPPY THAN A WOMAN GUESS WE GOT TO TAKE THE BITTER WITH THE SWEET..GOOD LUCK MAN....GO FOR IT....

quote:

Originally posted by paulj_in_phx:

Some of you may say "TIME"; Time will heal it all...and to that I say this....With time I grow MORE and MORE cynical and skeptical.

Personally, I believe if "time" healed all wounds; I'd be cured by now and would be in a very healthy relationship.

With time I got used to being alone...which happened after I ended it with the kids' dad.

All i can think of to say at this moment in time is to take it really s-l-o-w......

quote:

Originally posted by Sunshine2:


All i can think of to say at this moment in time is to take it really s-l-o-w......

That is EXACTLY the plan.

So, As she stated she DID want to meet yesterday, and we DID have lunch yesterday.

It was nice...relaxing (in a nervous sorta way) Not wanting to get stuck in the "friend zone" I kept looking for an opportunity to grab her hand, (suggested by someone ) but she had something in her hands the whole time, except when we were sitting and eating.

So, instead as we were talking I stood up, and leaned over and kissed her. Well, I wanted to anyway. I told her I just had to do that.

She responded by asking me "You just had to? Do you always do that to keep women off balance?"

I said ..."Yes sometimes. Most of the time I can be kept on a schedule, but have to throw something in here and there to keep you on your toes".

And we continued our conversation.

As we talked about kids, work, men & women in general, I would throw in a comment like:

I forgot how beautiful you are,
You have really cute little toes,
or You're just cute as **** arent you?

Each time she recovered quickly, and continued the convo. (she's good)

As I stated in the fun lounge, she called me about 30 minutes after ...and thanked me for lunch.

I really like how "nice" she seems to be; I can relate.

The fact that she did what she said she'd do regarding meeting me...really goes a long way to help me relax around her.

We'll see how NEXT weekend goes....I'm supposed to see her Sunday.

paul...i've said it already but i'll say it again...i'm so happy for you!

Paul, so glad you found a special someone and I think I am in the same crossroads too since I have been dating this lady for over 1 month and I am still trying to convince myself to at least enjoy the moment even if it does not take me anywhere.

I also share your feelings of fears and insecurities and like you I have been hurt in the past and still think this might be too good to be true but we need to accept things for what they are and learn to enjoy the moment and treasure the moments we have with this new person and stop thinking so much about the future. At least we can try...

To me, this is still even way too early to consider this lady a "someone special". I think I have many personal hurdles to pass before I can accept that kind of "status" for her.

Trying to take this REALLY slow. ...as I do enjoy EVERY moment with her.

Dear Paul,

I'm so happy for you! I've been in and out lately (busy at work) but was really glad to see your post...you deserve happiness!

I myself struggle with the whole "trust" issue and though I have not yet found anyone to hold hands with to date, I've decided that if a chance isn't taken only regret will follow. Be careful, not critical/skeptical, be aware and remember what past experiences have taught you...but also relax and give this person the benefit of the doubt (cautiously).

Be open, be careful, be yourself and everything will fall into place if its meant to.


Caitlin

quote:

How do I, (FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!) get past this?

Hiya Paul,

So glad to hear ya met someone! I followed yer accidental link, and read yer post (obviously). And ya know... I just must add my 2 cents.

I think (humble opinion coming next) that if you believe in yourself, then you can take what just about anyone dishes out. If you have learned to live without someone in your heart, what's the real risk here? If it doesn't work out - you just move on.

You're a great guy - and life is really short, so just take the plunge (when yer ready) and as they say in New York ... "forget about it"

All those who wronged you taught you what to watch for, so if this girl shows signs of being a liar etc ... you should be able to spot it early on and kick her to the curb before any real damage is done.

Good luck, my friend. You are a dedicated father, and ya work hard ... a great catch - and I hope you find your happiness!

Hugssss

females that have been hurt think the same way too, you should teach aussie men how to be like you

quote:

Originally posted by Caitlin:

I've decided that if a chance isn't taken only regret will follow.

I agree!

Paul,

I was having a talk with a single, divorced mom I work with the other day. She has been single for about 3 years and fears being alone. (She has dated a little) I struggle with many of your issues so talking to her really helps me. At one point I had a moment of clarity and asked her "If you could know now that you would never be with anyone, with what you have now (children, health, good job, good friends, family, etc.) would the rest of your life still be worth living?" I was more saying this to myself but I saw her eyes light up and something clicked in both of us. (not that!) She said yes and that realizatoin really helped both of us. While we all dream of a true love is it necessary to make life worth living? Let yourself enjoy what you have and KNOW that if it doesn't work out you will be all right. Besides, like everyone has already said, if you don't go for it (or sabotage it to avoid the pain) you will never have it. Be happy and live in the moment.

John

Hey John,

Forgot all about this post. That was many moons ago...and I ended up dropping that "lady" like a hot potato.! I wont even go into it...LOL

Not long after that I took a short vacation with my kids (weekend) and realized what was really important in my life. Values reprioritized I stopped dating, going out and such, in general. I came to the same realization you just stated and realized I was very happy with my life. Talk about a moment of clarity.

Towards the end of last year I decided to just get out and start having "fun" in my life. I joined up with meetup.com and got out of my comfort zone and started meeting people and doing things. I've had tons of fun!!

Only recent did I meet a cute little blonde librarian and have decided to "date". (I hate that word, but it is what it is.)

Anyhow, thanks for your words of encouragement, I'm at a point where I'm happier and more confident with myself than ever and that has caused me to handle myself completely different than in past relationsships.

Oh, and since I havent said it yet,

Welcome to the forum.

A librarian huh. I'm jealous

Hi PaulJ. i am new, but i read your posts, you actually sound like a male version of me!! which is quiet strange i know!! similar hurdles to get through and similar bad relationship history. anyway what i want to know is, how the **** did you overcome it all???????? let me know.... I salute you!

LOL...well, I hope you're a lot better looking if you're female otherwise God Help you! LOL

How did I get throught it? LOL

A better question should be how did the awesome people on this forum deal with me venting about it all every other day.

I dont know...God, prayers, luck...what do you want to know?

and ...where the heck is CORK? ???

Wow...forgive my rudeness....

Welcome to the forum!

Hi there, Cork is in Ireland!! i am 28 female just curious about feeling weighed down with baggage, how did you begin living?? how did you get past all of that **** and begin what seems like a new beginning? what changed for you?

Wow! ... You could have said any other place...but Ireland? Wow....Ok...keep calm paul.

Actually I want to answer that...but it's going to take some thought.....and my SFV family here who's gone through everything with me could probably answer that better.

Keep checking back over the weekend.

quote:

Originally posted by Johnson:
.... anyway what i want to know is, how the **** did you overcome it all???????? let me know.... I salute you!

First ...dont make the assumption that i have "overcome it all". I wish.

Biggest thing I had to get by...wow...was trying to figure out what was wrong with ME ..what did do to cause this? What could I have done to avoid this?

The answer was nothing, I didnt create it...I couldnt avoid it.

Next was to find out ....again, who I "AM"...THAT was even harder....and has taken a long time...to get to.

If that wasnt bad enough....I had to learn all over again...to like myself...the way I am...as a divorced man, single dad.

Been through a few rocky relationships and serious heartbreak, learning along the way...once again...whether it was ME or not. And deciding that it didnt matter,