Hi -

I am new here. I am about to become a single father, with the mother nearby, and so frequent visitations. My particular concern is that the mother has a narcissistic personality disorder. Having my 14 yo daughter spend time with her N-mother (to quote someone from another post) "feels akin to sending (my daughter) off with a drunk driver". I kept the "marriage" going for the 14 years because I figured it was better for me to be around to mitigate the narcissism - and I believe I did the right thing. Now, though, the mother wants to separate - and visit. Is there anyone out there in a similar situation, or been there done that? I would really appreciate any advice.

Thanks.

Welcome to the forum.

Will you have custody or will you be ncp?

The mom of my 3 older kids is a narcissist and I had custody of the 2 youngest as the oldest was over 18. She just quit seeing the boys after I got custody and that made life very simple.

The mom of my 3 youngest has BPD and has custody and that makes for problems.

My older boys are now adults and don't have a very good relationship with their mom, but it is what she has done to them.

With a 14yo then she is old enough to figure out on her own what is going on, so I would tell her to "see what people say and see what they do" that has worked with my older boys and now is working with my 9yo daughter.

Hope this helps.

thanks for the reply. so far, it looks like she is ok with me having custody, though this could change. I have a feeling that as time goes on, she will lose interest in spending too much time with my daughter. However, I do worry that the she is using my daughter for her supply and worry about the effect this will have. thanks again.

Welcome to the forum. My girls mother is schitzophernic, a class A person ality disorder, and yours is a (NPD) is a class B, but a lot of the behavior crosses over as everyone is differen't. Mine goes from not caring, to acting like she does. Fortunatly she focuses on me most of the time so the girl don't get a load of her ****, and I just ignor her. The bad part is the girl know this, when they answer the phone and talk to their mom for about a minuet each then wants to try to talk to me for a hour it hurts them. I am hoping she gives up, or stales long enough I am out of the picture, my youngest is 15.5.

Thanks. Your description fits: going from not caring, to acting like she does. And, yes, she focuses on me most of the time. Do these personality types give up?

Try looking online for mental health and personality disorders. Also you can look for info on NPD.

I have some books on BPD and they explain a lot.

The books you can get will have helpful info on dealing with the person.

There are also support groups just for the different personality disorders.

Yeah, when I was with my wife, I noticed there was something a little different about her. Always craving everyone's attention. Tanning, Nails being done, hair, clothes, she always put others down, waitresses-cashiers-family members-friends. I couldn't put my finger on it. It took the separation for me to realize that she may have been narcisstic. At first I thought I was only trying to find fault with her, in some way, because she left me for a doctor. But, I saw her the other day and there's no doubt about it, she's into herself. But, I always worry about the kids, my daughter will come home and act like her, and in the nicest way, I try to put her into her place. My son has ADHD and I wonder if one day, that he may not be something Mommy wants to "wear". It scares me, I worry about what the future holds for my children. I just want to be with them thru the whole ride.

bill

quote:

Originally posted by album5011:
Thanks. Your description fits: going from not caring, to acting like she does. And, yes, she focuses on me most of the time. Do these personality types give up?

There4 is a lot of information on these disorders on the net.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_disorder
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/narcissistic-personality-disorder/DS00652
http://www.mentalhealth.com/dis/p20-pe07.html

This is a small sample of whats you there on NPD, I got this by google searching it.

I can tell you a few things from having worked in the mental health field. Number one is that personality disorders are the most frustrating and often most difficult to deal with. I think it's even harder than schizophrenia sometimes because it isn't a lack of connection with reality. People with personality disorders are usually in touch with reality, they are just manipulative, self centered, and emotionally abusive to those who love them. And this is, unfortunately, a lifelong struggle with no real treatment.

I know from dealing with people on the elderly spectrum of lifelong mental illness that this doesn't go away. Most of the adult children of people with personality disorders have either found a way to accept that parent as they are or have found they needed to disconnect from them. Or a combination of those two approaches. Whatever your children decide as they get older, they will need your support. That's really the only thing you have control over. She will continue to lack concern for her kids. They will be emotionally affected by that. But you can counter it to some extent by being a loving parent and being genuinely interested in their lives.

yup girl, but the personalitys cross, my nut is totaly of self, and never thinks she ever did anything wrong, but I try not to bash her, its a illness after all.

I didn't mean to suggest AT ALL that schizophrenia is not a devastating illness to deal with, especially if combined with other illnesses. I have been surprised over and over, though, by the adult children of the mentally ill who are exceptionally well adjusted people. Maybe even more well adjusted than the rest of us for having grown up in such challenging circumstances.

what I was trying to say there is no type, maybe I should have said it. I want as far away from that stuff as I can, way to many years living with it.

thanks, missabb, very good advice and I will remember it. I'm not really sure if she's not giving them the proper attention or not. I hope she is, but I will always be there for them, I usually just like to talk about what's ever on their mine, because I really need to know, to feel more connected with them. and so that the can feel the comfort. ty again.

quote:

Originally posted by missabb:
I can tell you a few things from having worked in the mental health field.

Thanks for the advice, missabb. I have been looking for a mental health professional in my geographic area, someone to consult. However, I would like to find someone who has had experience dealing with NPD situations. So far, I have not been successful, having talked to a few professionals on the phone. Any ideas how I might go about this? Thanks.

If you are looking to find ways to cope with your ex, a councelor would be a good resource for you to start with just in helping YOU come up with strategies to deal with this and to help your kids. There isn't a great deal you can do for the person affected with NPD. But your doctor can probably refer you to a councelor locally and likely someone with some experience with personallity disorders. I would bet that there are also support groups for family/friends dealing with the same things. Hope that helps.

What you say is what I am looking for, thanks.
Also recognize cant change the person - unfortunately.