Hello Everyone:

An introduction in in order, I am a single father of a 16 year old boy and a 8 year old girl. I became a widower back in December of 2001 when the kids were ages 9 and 2. My son and I have a wonderful relationship and do many things together, he is very helpful and a great kid. My 8 year old daughter is a wonderful girl as well and I love her so very much. My problem is that I am having a very difficult time adjusting to her needs. I have so much in common with my son, and I really don't know how to give a girl what she needs from me. I don't want to loose her as she gets older and want to have as strong of a bond with her as I do with my son. My son and I hunt together, and fish together, but I don't believe my daughter will be into that. Both of the kids have very unsupporting grand parents, (Thats another Story). I was wondering what you single dads with daughters do to bond with your daughters and how you make them feel special. I really want to have with my girl the same relationship I have with my son.

Thanks
BillWI

Welcome to the forum Bill. I think maybe just keep in mind that well, obviously girls and boys are going to have different interests...though they can overlap depending on the individuals. In other words some boys wouldn't even be interested in the hunting/fishing and you'd be looking for other things to bond over. About the best thing is don't let the whole idea of that she's a girl and you may have to (will have to) tap into your feminine side to relate to some things. I have about the best relationship with my youngest daughter that I could possibly hope for. I've always just tried to keep an open mind about what she is interested in. As she has gotten older, 15 now, that includes that she is interested in boys (there's an understatement) but thankfully we've laid the groundwork over the years so that we talk openly about pretty much anything. Including that I was the one to take her for her first bra shopping trip, prepare her into the world of menstruation, and all the many many talks about boys and ***. Are you cringing yet? Just making a point that you really will want to keep an open mind with some of what's ahead of you...and to assure you that you really can do it. Keeping in mind that your relationship won't be the same as with your son, it'll be different, but can be just as good and close just based around different things. I actually got to like taking her clothes shopping and helping find pretty clothes to wear etc., they love that of course. And then when their tastes change you roll with that as well. My daughter isn't into pretty anymore, she's into rocker stuff, black clothes....anything with skulls...that sort of thing....and of course boys. That one is one of the hardest I've had to accept and keep an open mind about....but we're doing it.
I might very well be rambling so, just welcoming you aboard right now and my point.....don't be intimidated, become comfortable with the uncomfortable and as things progress it will get a little easier and she will truly appreciate your efforts.

I have 2 girls and no boys so it might be easier for me to adjust to their needs. But my oldest was a girly girl. I mean she fought me about pants if they didnt match right lol. But when it comes time to go fishing or hunting she loves it. But I dont think it is because we are out in the woods but because she is spending time with her dad. I would say to make a special day for you and her. Let her pick out the event. Mine is Sunday and she loves either bowling or fishing. But ever since I started making time to see just her it has made a HUGE difference in the way we are to each other. Plus it lets her know that you love her. And that will make a huge difference as she gets older. So my only advice is to spend daddy and daughter time and it will help quite a bit.

I meant swimming not fishing lol Wonder where my mind is at lol

Thanks for the support and advice. I know I can do it, it just good to hear that others have had or continue to face these issues and move forward. She is really a great kid. I really will work with her and find the things she enjoys. I really want to have the bond with her that I have with my son.

Thanks again. I look forward to contributing to this great forum.
BillWi

I agree with Alaska. Set a special day and let her pick what she wants to do, just the two of you. You might be surprised to find out she wants to do something that you might even have an interest in yourself.
If course I don't know squat other than what I've read in the psychology books and seen on tv. But I do think it's a great idea.

I tricked her into liking cars lol. I took her to the go cart track and she fell in love with it. And then I took her to the track and she loved it. Now she is a girly girl gear head like her pop lol. If you ever need anything just let me know. Like I said all I have is girls. Even the cat is a girl.lol

All I can say is to find out what she likes. While growing up I liked the boyish things and my brother liked girlie things. For the longest time I was upset with my father because he did things with my brother and not me, even though my brother did not really enjoy them and I would have.

It all depends on the personality. Just ask your daughter what she wants to do. I agree with Alaska in making a special day to spend with her.

I would agree to make "special time" for her, girl time if you will. I would have the same problem if I would have a girl, I have 3 boys and grew up with 5 brothers, 3 older and 2 younger. Find out what she is into, hold on tight and go with it and don't forget to have fun!!! Good luck!!!

Hi and welcome! Just spend quality time with her and be prepared to get your nails painted and your hair done...LOL

Hi Billwi,

It looks like you've gotten some great advice here already. I wanted to echo some of the ideas that were going through my head as I read your post, most of which were brought up at some point or another by these fine SFVers.

1. Do not assume that you have to go out and do "girly" things to connect with your daughter. Sometimes it feels good to be included and involved in other activities, just because you like and respect the person. A good way for her to get to know you is to involve her in things you naturally like to do. Be careful not to exclude her, just because you think she won't like something. Always give her the decision to say "no thanks," if it's something that you can involve the kids in.

2. Don't restrict things to once a week. I like the idea of having a regular, special Father/Daughter time. But don't get into the trap of thinking that that's it. You must connect every day to build the relationship. My opinion is that you connect with people by talking to them. About personal, substantial things, reflecting on how the day has gone, and what hopes and dreams you have for the future.

3. Work hard to get to know your daughter, and also work hard to share yourself with her. Talk about things that make you who you are, so she can also work to connect to you. You want to get yourselves trained now, so that the relationship's already there when those nasty (and I know from experience, 'cause I was one, once! lol) teenage years hit.

Good luck to you, and welcome to the club! Hope you stick around!

Capt please refrain from the whole teenage talks. I am soooo not looking forward to it lol

quote:

Originally posted by ALASKA:
Capt please refrain from the whole teenage talks. I am soooo not looking forward to it lol

Oh, it's going to be a blast! lol

Did you see my daughters lol. Not going to be fun for a single guy. lol I told my daughter, as long as I can remember , that she has to be 42 before she could date. To this day if I ask her how old she says 42.

And god I found it so funny, The movie Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy, that the meaning of life was the number 42 lol

Yes, I did see your daughters.
Your eldest one has your striking eyes. Lucky girl!

I have an 11 year old daughter, she has been in my custody since she was in Second Grade, and this year starts middle school. I have found the thing that keeps her and I so bonded is a few things. The first is I am very open to the fact that girls just have girly needs, and I try to seek them out at the appropriate times in her life but prior to her asking. This includes even simple things like lotions and skin care stuff. Things that make her aware that I am aware of her needs. It sounds really rather simple, but it is good for both of us. Bring her home nail polish, or similar age appropriate type stuff. Let her realize you know she is a girl, and nurture that side of her as well.

The next big thing I did was get her a PAL. This is kind of like a big brother bis sister program. Her and her PAL are close, and lets face it just the same way a single mom can not provide what a dad can, a dad can not provide all a mom can. Her having a mentor and confidant that is female will in no way detract from your and her relationship in fact you may just find that it gives you and her additional space to grow when she has a female outlet that is responsible, and a good example.

The third is we often have our talks. Her and I without my other two kids will go on walks right outside in the apartment complex. We walk for 15 minutes or however long is needed, and this is our can be open about anything time. Since we have started this we have REALLY bonded. We have really gotten a lot closer, and the arguments that come with having an 11 year old have really minimized. We are much more in tune to each other, and it is great.

To re-stress the big sister / PAL thing, this is not saying that you are not doing a good job raising her, it is making sure she has all of her needs, including emotional met.

Also a good child therapist can help wonders. She likely has some pain inside and that may be interfering with the full potential of her to develop relationships with anyone, not just you.

quote:

Originally posted by Adrian1trk:
My daughter is 5, almost 6 and I just signed her up for cheerleading, she totally likes it,my problem comes when she wants to play dress up, and make up and she wants me to comb her hair this way or that way and I have no idea what she's talking about. Sometimes I just tell her, daddy is a man, I don't know how to do that. Sometimes if I'm going to watch a movie that I know she is going to like I call her and ask her to come and watch TV with me, she really likes it when she is doing something else and I include her in something.
Good Luck.

Adrian

You and her should go to a hair salon one day. Have her and the stylist show you what it is she wants. You think you're her hero when you call her to watch something with you, just wait til you can braid her hair how she wants.

David,

While I read your post I imagine what a sweet cool dad you are. I bet your daughter is learning how a guy should treat her.



I hope you post more

Atlanta Dad. I thought about the big sister program because I see it all the time how she needs a woman figure in her life, I guess I never took the first step.

I would heavily consider the Big Sister type program for anyone who has a daughter that does not see mom a lot or even just if mom is not the best influence.

It is a great thing for your child to have a positive female role model that they can talk to, and go places with. I know myself my daughters get a lot out of it.

My ex recently moved to town so my kids see mom a lot, ut her lifestyle is not the best. They have had their PALs for years, and it is something we continue now. They really enjoy the time out, and the PALs both really have their lives together. They are both college graduates, independent, and hard working.

Also the program screens them, they do background checks, and they also make sure there is going to be a long term commitment from the PAL as well.

David