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I am New to SFV |
I really can't beleive that I am doing this but right now I am feeling very alone, very confused, scared and desperate. My name is Jennifer and I am 26 years old I have 2 children from a previous marriage and now I am pregnant with my third & fourth. My ex-husband was very abusive and after 6 years of being beaten and belittled I finally found the courage to leave. And like many women in my situation I paid the highest price of all for leaving, my children. My ex husband comes from a very wealthy family, and I do not. Any pain he had caused me was nothing compared to what I was going to endure. I was in the fight of my life for my children and I almost lost. We now have joint custody and part of me dies every time I have to take my kids to him. Luckily now he is good to them and they look forward to the time they spend together. I never thought I would ever be with anyone again and I met the most wonderful man in the world (I thought). I can't get into all of the details because we would be here all day. The just of it was I moved because we were to get married and that did not happen. Infact we never even moved in together I changed my sons school and left my family, my friends, my life to be with him and now I am in a living hell. He recently informed me that he was moving to be closer to his son over 5 hours away from we I live now. Mind you I movecd over 2 hours to be with him. So now I live in this town were I have no one and he is moving. I am also in a custody battle again for my children because of my bad decisions. I thought nothing else could go wrong when I started to get sick and ended up in the emergency room were I found out that I was pregnant with TWINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have been on birth control so this was an enourmous shock. He wants me to have an abortion, this will never happen. After I had my daughter I got pregnant and lost my baby 8 1/2 months when I held my lifeless child in my arms a hole was forever etched in my heart. I do not judge anyone! But I myself could not have an abortion. I am just scared and I have no one to talk to... I feel so out of control and just need some friends, someone to say they understand.. He will not talk to me which is fine. He has hurt me and more importnantly he has hurt my children. I don't want to talk to him at all at this point. i know at some point I will but right now I feel abandoned, betrayed and lost. All I ever wanted was a family I never had one before, I wanted a husband, kids and a good life is that possible people.
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"Mod Member on Board" Board Beacon Parent |
Hi Jennifer, Well what can I say except welcome to the family and you won't be short of friends now.
Best wishes and again welcome. Mark |
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" "Forum Board? No- KeyBoard! |
Jennifer- I understand betrayed, abandoned and lost. If you need to talk I'll be here. The good thing about this board, everyone has something in common and at least one person will understand what you are feeling. Start each day with a deep breath of fresh air. Then face the day.
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I am New to SFV |
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I am New to SFV |
I guess today is going to be another crappy day. The kids and I just had to move into an apartment after living in a motel for 2 weeks. And I am flat broke, I so badly want to take my children to the pumpkin patch just to McDonalds to get a happy meal and I can't. While he called me at 8am to say that he and his son were out to breakfast and then they were going to make a day at the pumpkin patch. I know the most important thing is that my children have a roof over there head and they are safe. And they are but I have worked so hard to be able to give them the things that I never could. And everything I can't do there father can do 5 times over and I hate that. I mean they are lucky that they get anything becuase some kids do no. I am not trying to sound like a selfish person becuase I am not. Right now I am feeling like I am failing my children and I if I can't take care of the 2 I already have how the heck am I going to take care of the two on the way. I feel like I am back to same place I was after I left my husband. But that was different I chose to be there, I didn't choose to be here. Just feeling crappy today and I am so tired of crying. Not only am I crying about him but even the silliest things like commercials and the news. My children think I am nuts, and I can tell how worried they both are. I am trying to keep it together, just being able to talk on here is a great help.
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I am New to SFV |
Dear Jenn,
I think there is allways hope despite the fact that your predicament is really tough. I know this seems hard but you may have to find a completely different kind of a guy. It seems that people keep making the same poor choices. Perhaps you should consider more mature guys? I have three sisters and all of them have kids but the two that remained married are with much older guys. Generally, they are more responsible and are serious in their intentions. We males tend to want to take longer to settle down. In the meantime, try getting some government aid. There has to be emergency welfare, assistance for single mothers, your church, etc. that can help to get you back on your feet. Really hope you can find your way. Be well. Michael |
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I am New to SFV |
Jennifer,
Scared and alone... I can understand.. I am seven months pregnant with my first child, and altho my issue is not the same, it is similar. My fiance (now my ex) left me at a bus station in the middle of no where with no money.. and nothing but a suitcase and the clothes on my back when he found out that we were pregnant (with the child that we had planned, we were due to be married Sepetember 2004). There are so many details that make up this story.. that again if i told you everything we would be here for weeks. Long story short, he ended up getting back together with the woman that he cheated on his first wife with, the woman that he got pregnant twice and forced to get an abortion. I don't beleive in abortion, and we had planned this child, and I knew in my heart that I was ready for this. Now, I am only 21, I started back at work at the beginning of my second trimester, and am going to be working as close as I can to my due date. I reconnected with my mother, hoping that she would offer some sort of emotional support, as I have had to start over in a place where I have virtually no friends and family. My mother told me that if i really loved my child that i would give her up for adoption to a family with a mom and a dad with alot of money. I was stunned by her reaction, she told me that I would ruin my life and the child's life, that i would live in poverty for the remainder of my exsistence, and that i had nothing to offer a child of any value. But every day that I feel my baby kick, that i watch the water ripple in the tub around my belly when she gets hiccups, makes me more solid in my decision. I know how much it helps to have someone to listen and lean on, because those are things I do not have. If you need to talk, I'm here, keep me posted. |
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"" Forum Board? No- KeyBoard! |
Living in poverty and being loved is better than any amount of money or extravangance! You have made the right decision. Thousands of us do it every day, and I wouldn't trade my children for one missed experience or amount of money. I had my daughter at 19 and my son at 22 - and I haven't ruined anything in any of our lives. We love each other, and poverty has made us a much closer family. The less you have the more you get to know each other, because you don't have the money to live "separate" lives.
Good for you for deciding what is right and not taking the easy way out. Choosing to have a baby and raise it is the hardest and more difficult decision to make. But it has the most rewards.    "Hope" is the thing with feathers- That perches in the soul- And sings the tune without words- and never stops-at all... Emily Dickinson |
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I am New to SFV |
I know that I am making the right decision, I just don't know how to convince my mother of the same. Everytime she calls, she asks if I have thought about giving up the baby anymore. I tell her no and she starts crying, insisting that my hormones have taken over and I cannot think clearly. She tells me that I have ruined our family because of this, and made my father even more ill with the news of having a child out of wedlock. I know that things are going to be tough, I have no misconceptions about that, as I have friends who I stay in contact with who are single mothers. I told her last night that all I ask of her is for her support, she told me that she cant support a decision that she knows in her heart is wrong. She brings nothing but complications to an already complicated pregnancy! I've made so many positive changes in my life, I quit smoking when I found out I was with child, I have a good job, and plan on taking my year off for maternity leave to stay with my child, My ex refuses to speak to me, as I informed him that until he cleans his act up, he will not be allowed to see his child (i recently found out that he has been taking cocaine and pot on a regular basis). So he has been denying the baby. This leaves me with a choice, Do I have him take a paternity test and risk him fighting me for child support? I know he is the father, there is no doubt about that, but I wonder if my pushing for a paternity test is more to shut him up than anything else, because I think not having him in our lives would be better than living in his deluded little world. It's so funny how we can all be such strong people, and have something make you cry so much (I know hormones are involved too!) I've had to rebuild my life from scratch, new everything, new home, new furniture, new clothes, new bills, new responsibilities, and on top of everything else, starting my baby collection over again. I find myself so lost sometimes, much like Jennifer, I have days where I just dont know if I can do it anymore, days where I just cant sleep cause im so uncomfortable, so I end up crying all night instead, which only compounds my problems. It's just so important to be able to have people like you to talk to. And more importantly, someone to listen.
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"" Forum Board? No- KeyBoard! |
Your mother is reacting to her conditioned beliefs. She is more worried about how this is going to affect her than you, and looking at her Grandchild for the first time will change a lot of it. It sounds like you need to be frank with her, that your Dad is not going to die of shame, that your decision will not be of any consequence to her, other than bringing into her life one of the best things she could ever know - new life.
I too had a lot of things thrown at me from my parents (especially with my son, because they didn't have the whole story) on having a child out of wedlock. The only thing that kept my mother from suggesting adoption, was her faith in me of being a good mother. You need to tell your mother what she is doing to you. And if she doesn't stop, it isn't a good thing for you to continue hearing it. You called your mother because you needed love and support. A parent is supposed to provide that unconditionally. Remind your mother that regardless of her opinion, or what she thinks it is going to do to her socially - she had you and needs to do her part as a mother, right now she is acting as a friend. Friends get upset over perceptions or make remarks about you ruining your life. Parents show compassion, make a suggestion, and love and care for you no matter what the outcome. You need to do paternity for child support. You may not always have good money to lean on, regardless of him and visitation - you need that coming in. Trust me, I haven't gotten in on my son, just my daughter, and I regret it more and more daily. His extra-curricular habits are for the judges ears if it comes to that. You are on the right road. Don't let it get too discouraging. Pregnancy is supposed to be a happy time...don't let other people bring it down.
"Hope" is the thing with feathers- That perches in the soul- And sings the tune without words- and never stops-at all... Emily Dickinson |
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I am New to SFV |
I don't know how to approach the whole child support issue, on the one hand, I could make due without the extra income, my budget dosent include getting money from him and im still really flexible. My ex's father is a big time coke dealer, floating around on a boat somewhere, my ex has two children 8 and 5 from his previous marriage, and pays little to no child support, even though he has more than enough money to pay it. (His ex wife never applied for her residency once they got married, and she would have a hard time going through the court to get an order for support because of her status, the fact that she is not employed and the fact that they are no longer married) He uses the children to get back at her for filing for divorce. Recently, a relative of hers in England passed away, and my ex would not authorize his children to leave the country so that they could attend with her. He has done several things like this to her before, and I am fearful that he will do the same with me. He is manipulative, has an addictive personality and uses his children against their mother, do I take the chance that he will be given visitation, and eventually the same opportunity to use our child against me? I'm at a crossroad, on the one hand, the extra income would be nice, on the other hand, it may very well not end up being in the best interest of my baby. He's hurt the lives of so many people, his ex wife, his children, his mistress, who he locked out of his home and accused of ruining his marriage when he got her pregnant, then he told her that he was put on this earth to force her to destroy herself. (This is the same woman who recently moved back in with him after he left me at a bus station) I have been struggling with this issue since the split, and I'm not sure which way to turn, because there are so many different takes on it. I don't want any part of him, hes hurt me and made me angry, and I know that this dosent give me a reason to exclude him from his childs life, but on the other hand, hes 32 and dosent even know where his life is going, he dosent work, he helps his mother run the family buisness, he sits around in chat rooms on the computer all day and picks up women, and denys our relationship to our friends (who know its an outright lie) to try and get back at me for not wanting to come back home when he tried to convince me of it a few weeks ago. This is probably the biggest issue that I have had in dealing with this, putting the anger and pain aside and being able to look at things objectivly.
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"" Forum Board? No- KeyBoard! |
First, you will need all the money you can get your hands on when that baby gets here. Second, why you would put yourself in an abusive man's way in the first place isn't for me to judge, but mabye you need to decide whether or not you want that for your child and leave it up to him to pursue it further.
Next, some of these decisions can wait. Right now, take time to take care of you. "Hope" is the thing with feathers- That perches in the soul- And sings the tune without words- and never stops-at all... Emily Dickinson |
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I am New to SFV |
In regards to putting myself in his way, It's one of those situations where I have "known" him for a number of years, but as it turns out I did not really know him at all. I never found out any of this information about him until after we split up. I know they can wait, I just like to be Ms. Organization lol, I was advised to calm down and de-stress after I ended up in the hospital in my second trimester because they were worried about threatened abortion. Since then I'm trying to keep my life a little more simple.. and alot less dramatic. If that means keeping him out of it to retain my sanity. Then so be it. Thank you for your kind words and advice. It's so appreciated.
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"" Forum Board? No- KeyBoard! |
I understand not knowing someone. Its nice to find out all the details after you get pregnant. Most of the details of my Ex's past scare me to death. That's why I haven't bothered to find him (he disappeared) to get child support. My son needs to part in that life. He is a biological parent, not a Father and didn't want him anyhow.
"Hope" is the thing with feathers- That perches in the soul- And sings the tune without words- and never stops-at all... Emily Dickinson |
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I am New to SFV |
Hello to everybody and God bless everyone on here because it takes alot of stregth to get on here and tell your story's. Mine is, I'm 22 years old and pregnant with my first child. I messed up I became involved with a guy a little younger than me.(He was a charmer). I had just went back to Mississippi after 4 years of living in Houston TX to help take care of my grandmother who was ill at the time. Well I was probably lonely and needed someone to fulfill my loneliness and he was there. Soon after we began dating, I began to recieve harrassing phone calls and a car would follow me around town (small town). I soon found out it was his ex-girlfriend. She was very crazy. He would tell her on several occasion (yes I was there) to leave him alone and leave me alone. They even got into a physical altercation. I would report her to the police for following me this ordeal went on for months. I finally decided it was time for me and him to chill. Because evidently there was more to the story than what he was perceiving or telling me. Anyway shortly after the breakup I found out I was 2 months pregnant. I didn't want to tell him because I didn't want him to think I was trying to get him back. But his fam and I are close. So his brother told him. He called out of no where screaming about an abortion. I basically at that point let him know I didn't need him for anything and to leave me alone. I was upset but I always try to play the strong role like I don't care about nothing. Like I can do everything on my own. Since then I moved back to Houston TX.(more job opportunities)and I am currently looking for work so I can have something for my child. I live with my aunt who has finacially supported me since I was a baby. I can't count on my mother who is an on and off drug attic. Man sometimes I feel so lost. My grandmother is usually there my emotional backbone that who I have lived with since I was 3 months old. I thank god for her cause if it wasn't for her sometimes I swear I would kill myself. I just hope everything works out for everybody. GOD BLESS
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Single Family Voices - For Single Parents Online Single Parent Forums Pregnant and Alone Pregnant, Alone and Scared
