I'm 38 and have gotten pregnant -- of course, there's a hitch. The father, whom i've been seeing for over 5 yrs, is married to another woman. We talk every day, write, etc... I love him (really!). I haven't told him yet b/c I am so scared of what he's going to say. Naturally, I want him to leave his wife (and child). He will be devastated by the 'scandal' of fathering an out-of-wedlock child, so I believe (although, maybe I'm crazy) that he will find the strength to just get a divorce. Anyone been through anything like this? I would love to hear about real-life stories, not hear criticism... Thank you for understanding,
scared

I don't have a real-life story, but how about some real life perspective??? He is not going to leave his wife. If you have been seeing him for five years and he hasn't left yet, nothing is going to change that. You need to get yourself together and make a life for you and that child, and don't include him in your plans. If he will be horrified over the scandal, what will stop him from denying your story and cutting you out of his life? You have to be prepared to be alone with this kid, because he is showing every sign of not being there. You need to be strong, and remember that you don't need him to be there. If he won't leave his wife, then you need a backup plan. I'd work real hard on the backup plan, because his history with you only shows that he isn't willing to leave his wife, no matter how bad he claims it is with her. You can do this girl, forget about what he wants.

Ofcoarse you put the "no criticism" clause in there because you know what we all are thinking... You are not only one of us, a single mother, but you are also one of the people that caused a lot of us to be here. And you know you are wrong. If he has not left his wife by now, a child outside of the marriage will not do it either.

Real life story: Man gets woman pregnant from his extra-marital affair, he finds out, never speaks to the woman again and does not claim the child. This is the story of my cousin's father, who she still does not know by the way.

I think we can all support you through your pregnancy. I know that I can't lie and say I support you in trying to break up a marriage or engaging in an affair to begin with. You are hurting a wife and a child who could easily anyone of us here.

Does he have kids with his wife?

Welcome to the site, scaredinNYC,
here's a real life story:
she meets him and lives with him, he leaves, he gets married to another woman, she meets him again, she gets pregnant (not by accident), then his wife gets pregnant 2 years later.
From day one he kept saying he does not love his wife, from day one the other woman knows that doesn't matter, he chose her, he married her. Now that they have a child, it matters even less that he doesn't love his wife. He loves his child and stays in his marriage.

This is my own story !

I never asked him to leave his child. OK, I'll admit I did hope a little, until I knew of his wife's baby. But now that they're a real family, I will not even take him back if he leaves his wife and child.
I don't believe in breaking up a family, even an unhappy family. It's not my call. They will stay together or not, but I will not be the cause of yet another child without a father.
mho

Leftover, she said that he has a child. I can't abide by the "no criticism" clause you threw in there, scaredinNYC, so I'll end this w/ "I wish you the best of luck."

I feel bad for the 5yo. I hope we don't see his momma here, too.

What a sad mess. I think you just have to tell him and what will happen will happen. He does not have a great track record though - he has been cheating on his wife for 5 years and has not done anything to either finish his relationship with her or you. What ever way this works out people are going to be hurt. The sooner you tell him then the sooner you can work out what you are going to do in the future for you and your child. Take care

Thanks Seraphin. I appreciate your honesty and support. Of course, I have planned for what you write about. I know that's a real possibility, if not a probability. Do you think, though, it changes the analysis a little if he knows I will definitely bring a paternity suit? I mean, at that point, the 'cat will be out of the bag' and his wife will know. He will lose the suit and perhaps lose her anyway. Not to mention the fact that he will face incredible embarrassment. Might he not calculate that its better to get a divorce and avoid scandal than have to live with the scandal his whole life? (Divorce would result in his not ever having to admit he fathered a child out-of-wedlock). Curious about your thoughts on this, for a man who cares most of all about his OWN reputation.

How will him getting a divorce, keep him from admitting he had a child out of wed lock. Since the Divorce would be taking place after the child was concieved?

If he were going to get a divorce from his wife, he would have done this in the last 5 years that you have been seeing him. It isn't going to happen unless she divorces him. You knew he was married and you had an affair w/him anyway. He obviously didn't care much of his reputation or he wouldn't have been cheating on his wife and child he already had.

Before you all condemn me too much, consider this: I was married when I met him. He wasn't. He broke up my marriage. So, i know what it's like to "be in your shoes" and have your marriage ruined by affair. I agree with you, Zealand, that I just have to tell him soon. I plan on doing just that. I'm sorry the other women are so bitter, but i planned to leave my marriage for him. It's just that he didn't. He ruined my life because, however naive I was, I thought he would leave. Instead, I got pregnant. So, as you say, Zealand, people will be hurt -- I am sorry for that. But if he loved his wife, he would never have put her in this situation. It's his fault it's turned out this way too -- not just mine. I think the women out there who are hurt by their husbands want to believe it's all the 'other women's fault.' Blame your husbands!

No one is condemning you or blaming you solely. Our purpose here is to lend support and advice. I have gotten advice from people in here that has left me in tears, but in the long run I realized it was something I really needed to hear. He does shoulder half the blame. However, you saying that he broke up YOUR marriage is a little disconcerting. It was YOUR marriage and YOUR vows, not his that time. I'm not blaming either of you. I know that there is a baby in this now that doesn't deserve to have animosity one way or another. I just think you should realize that he hasn't left her yet, and most likely won't. I also was just trying to point out that he isn't going to run to you if you threaten him w/a paternity suit. That will probably make him run away.

Regardless, I never meant to make you feel attacked, and will no longer comment on this thread. It will probably get heated in here, but it won't be me. Again, I wish you lots of luck.

Evestar: that is an excellent question. The answer is that there would be no paternity suit, so there would be no actual admission of fatherhood and no wife to explain the mess to. (With no divorce, there would be public embarrassment and the wife would know everything.) Divorce would avoid the public scandal because I wouldn't need to sue him if he agreed to take care of the child and be a father to it. Eventually, he could admit he was the father, if it went that way.

thanks Ty's mom. Your points are well-taken and actually, I respect what you have to say, so don't feel you shouldn't write. The main thing here, though, is that you say 'he will just run from a suit.' The problem for him is that there IS no running. A suit will reveal everything and his wife may leave him when she learns of it. He may not want to take that risk, especially that she has threatened to leave him before. Obviously, at the point there is a suit, he could lose her, his own kid, me and mine! By contrast, a divorce would mean he loses her, his kid. But he may think at least he is sure to have me and the baby. But, regardless, he will never be able to hide it all once a suit is brought.