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Single Family Voices - For Single Parents Online Single Parent Forums Pregnant and Alone 34, pregnant, alone, 2 kids.....|
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I am New to SFV |
Hi everybody - I'm new to this forum and thought I'd share my situation.... I guess the titel about sums it up....
Yes, I am 34 and about 7 months pregnant, my ex-boyfrined "really" wanted this child and left me after I was 3 months along in this pregnancy. In the beginning when I thought he was gonna be around I was feeling pretty good about the pregnancy but not now, I even asked my doctor if this feeling was normal and we talked in length about adoption so pretty much since he left I have been struggling with the inner turmoil of what I should do - keep it, adopt it out.... I am a single mom - obviously, I already have 2 kids, my daughter is 9 and my son who is a special needs is 5. I work a very hard job with horses and bills are already always late I'm just afraid if I keep this baby I won't be able to do it financially. But I know the choice has to be mine but I just don't understand how these "dads" can just leave and not care. The father of my kids left when my son was 6 weeks old so I must have a habit of picking loosers  I'm afraid if I give this baby up my kids will hate me or resent me for it - has anybody done this and if so, how did you explain it to your kids? I know I shouldn't feel guilty for wanting a better life for the child but I still do feel like I would be letting him down.... Has anybody done an open adoption and is it harder? I am running out of time to make a decision but just as I do, something always changes my mind to the other. Any thoughts or suggestions and of course support would be helpful.... Thanks for listening  |
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"Mod Member on Board" At A loss for Words - NOT! |
I can't give you much in the way of advice since I've never been pregnant but your post makes me wonder. Do you think that after walking around the house, getting larger for your children to see and for you to feel, that any of you will be able to just put the whole thing to the backs of your minds and go on after an adoption? I mean you no disrespect but you asked "how these dads can just leave and not care". Yet that is what you're contemplating. I can't explain the actions of some "fathers" but somehow I have a feeling that walking away will be even more difficult for you, the mother.
Welcome to SFV. You will find much support here for whatever decision you make and we all recognize that yours is a most difficult one. I honestly believe that each and every one of us has the ability to overcome the most strenuous of situations. You have that ability too. It's built in. |
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"SEEKING: 25th hour & 8th day" At A loss for Words - NOT! |
natzback,
:welcome: I am happy you found us here and I hope you will stick around. I am sorry but I can't offer you advice on your subject because I have not faced the same decision. I can tell you that my sister-in-law's sister gave her son up for adotpion 4 years ago. The wonderful couple that adopted agreed to an open adoption. The biological mother does not have access right now because she is severly bi-polar and does not take her meds, but the other family members get to see him. He even gets to come to his biological grandmother's when mom and dad go out for the evening. My nephew was born 2 weeks after him and they go to preschool together. Now this is a very rare case but, it is one that gives a beautiful picture of two very loving and deserving adoptive parents that value family. Can you get this type of arrangement? Maybe, maybe not but, as you stated, it is your decision. I wish you well and hope you are able to find your answer soon. |
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I am New to SFV |
Hello...
I am not sure I am doing this post right. I have never done this before. I came across your message this evening and thought I would reply to it. Not that I have any words of wisdom or anything. But I wanted you to know you are not alone. I have a similar situation. I am 29 years old and 8 months pregnant with a little girl. I have two kids two boys 7 and 10. I was married to their father. It was an abusive relationship. When I was five months pregnant with my second son when he left. As time went by things got easier. The boys and I haven't seen their father since I was pregnant. I never thought I would ever be pregnant with a guy who was either abusive or not ready or kids in their lives again. With this pregnacy it has been really hard. The father comes in and out of the picture. Told me to have a abortion for the first half of my pregnacy. Then he changed for a little while acting like he was okay with this (not that I was expecting a lot) This passed week he is telling me that I need to think of everyone involved (meaning him) And that we should put our baby up for adoption. I have tried to make the best of the situation as easy as I could for everyone involved. Let him express all his emotions to me. How he is not ready to be a father. And why can't we get rid of the baby because then we could be together. What does that mean anyway. You want me and not the baby. My boys are so excited about having a sister. And the only thing I realized is that I can't get rid of her because my boys would not understand how I can get rid of their sister. (they may think, "would I ever get rid of them") I don't understand how I get into these situations. But one word of advice... Take good care of yourself... Last week after getting into a fight with my baby father, I ended up in the hospital in preterm labor. They were able to get the contractions to stop and I am now on medication to keep the contraction away. Well, this is where my story is now. Still worried and stressed... But I just wanted you to know that their are others out there. I am sure you will get through it. If you ever need to talk... I am around... and please think of what is best for you and your children. Take one day at a time... And get plenty of rest... Hope this helped at least a little bit... Tara |
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I am New to SFV |
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I am New to SFV |
What a scary situtation to be in. I cannot even imagine what you must be going through but I think it is great that you are thinking of your unborn child. I just wanted to let you know that my husband and myself are currently looking to do a private adoption. we live in Western New York in a beautiful suburban neighborhood and have so much love to give but we are unable to have our own child. We are working with an attorney and are also certified with the courts to adopt. If this is something that you are interested in we would love to talk with you. We have a birthmother profile set up and I can always forward you the link to find it. All expenses would be paid and if interested we would remain in contact. God bless you in whatever your decision may be |
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I am New to SFV |
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I am New to SFV |
sorry really new at this.... I want you to know I was there twice the first one nearly drowned me in my own tears, but as soon as my son was born it became happy tears then, I forgot about how my husband decided to say it our son wasn't his child, and that he walked out on me and my 3 month daughter 18 months before that, and all the other bad stuff, but I looked what I had in my arms and the pain I endured in the labour room, that all the pain of having no father and no support didn't matter I had the most wonderful two children and a few years later I went back with a high school sweetheart and he was in coccaine so I was like bye, didn;t even think of looking back, the 4th child with a father who loves me and my packages he loves them, like he said he was blessed with 3 children and our 4th one,took awhile but I found myself a winner, married for 5 years and still going strong. |
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Board Member |
I haven't read any replies but I read the first post and I'm amazed at how similar our situations are. I have a four year old, an eleven month old, and another one due in September. I never considered abortion BUT I have considered adoption. I don't want this father around, he's psychotic (I have a habit of picking losers, too, it seems). He has already threatened me and told me I'm going to wake up with a shotgun next to my head if I don't give the baby HIS last name.
I haven't made a final decision yet, it's so hard. I don't know what to do. How can you give your own baby up? Your own flesh and blood? How can you KEEP the baby? I can't afford it! I am barely getting by now. No child support, no help. It's overwhelming. If you ever want to talk please send me a message it's (e-mail addy removed) - Hopefully that address showed up. If not it's (e-mail addy removed)... I'd really like to talk to you it seems that we are in similar situations. Maybe we can figure something out together. |
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On the Board |
Hi Natzback,
Seems there are too many of us out there who have similar stories. But it also seems that if you look past the initial pain and fear for the future, the common thread in all of them is not one of sadness but of strength. It takes great internal strength to make this kind of decision and then stand your ground. Neither decision is "wrong" so you should not be ashamed of whatever your final decision is. You will go with what your heart tells you is the best decision for the baby and you. If in your heart you really want to raise your new baby, then somehow you will find a way to make it work out. Whether you have the state force the dad to pay support, or you apply for state food, health care and daycare assistance, welfare, whatever it takes. There is no shame in asking for a helping hand. Too few single parents receive the help they need. If I could make a couple suggestions that may benefit you... Start writing in a journal and record all of your feelings about everything - the pregnancy, your difficult decision, etc. Journaling serves many purposes. It allows you to pour out your pent up feelings onto paper which in turn allows you to release some of them. It also serves as a useful tool for the future. Because you are writing from the heart, when you go back and read what you wrote you can usually find the answer to a problem because you have been writing about it all along and your real feelings about the subject are there in front of you staring you in the face. This leads to the second half... after you review your journaled feelings. You can make a couple columns on a pad and list the pros and cons of both decisions. You can either use it as it is, to see what one outweighs the other, but more likely you will feel yourself mentally leaning toward one of the options and trying really hard to fill in a lot of "pros". This will also tell you what your heart is saying to you. Good luck to you and your family with your difficult decision. Please feel free to contact me if you need to talk to someone. Sincerely, Deb (single mom, daughter now 3 yrs old. I got pregnant at age 32, the "dad" acted thrilled, attended the first doctor appointments...then when the financial reality started to sink in he decided to bail. I'm also struggling financially, receive no help from him or the state so I can relate to your situation) |
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"Needs to Get Life" At A loss for Words - NOT! |
Welcome to the site Natzback!
I'm thinking about the situation you are in and really not sure I can offer advice so much as just an honest opinion. When Mom is pregnant it is more than just you and the unborn child. I can only imagine the excitement my children would have watching my belly grow and knowing there as a new sibling being formed inside of Mommy. No matter what age they will be thinking about the future and what it will be like, if it is a brother or sister. It truly is a family affair even if you are the only adult and if it is growing inside of you. I honestly do not think you could give the baby up for adoption without effecting your older children. I think about a 9 yr old girl with a pregnant mommy and what her understanding could possibly be of Mom giving her sibling up for adoption. As for your 5 yr old, what type of special needs does he have? Could he ever understand, could it cause him to think you might give him up too, etc. My honest opinion is that you need to keep this baby and make it a part of the family and I bet that even with the financial difficulties you can make this a wonderful experience for all of you! |
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Single Family Voices - For Single Parents Online Single Parent Forums Pregnant and Alone 34, pregnant, alone, 2 kids.....
