well...turned out my dads visit hasnt been what i had hoped it to be. i forgot how much he doesnt really like me as a person, and it was very obvious he only came to visit out of obligation and cant wait to get the **** out of here in the am. so now im as as alone as alone can get. no friends, no family. nothing. me and my 11yr old who has to bear with my depression all day. and then i probably did the worst thing i could do. i called ex. it was like i didnt care anymore. i called to see if he changed his mind..at this point i feel about as humiliated and lonley as i could be so calling him couldnt make it any worse. im glad i got the answering machine so i didnt have to be rejected by his voice. now im only rejected again by him not calling back. ive never ever felt more unloved, more hopeless in my whole life. i do have groups that i am going to start going to but that doesnt help me at all until i get there next week. i obviously still find it hard to accept what he has done. i would have never thought he would be this cruel..even after all of the horrible things he has put me through in past. i thought things would be better when he sobered up....well things are better for him..and so he thinks hes too good for me now. i guess i just have such a hard time believing that anyone could be so cold..but then i read some of your stories and obviously the guy doesnt usually come back. after 6 years together i never have been prepared for the day when we would part. and especially not like this. i had hoped it would have been when i finally got strong enough to leave him...but no....even in the end he has rejected me. so now im rejected byhim as well as my family. i have so many other burdens that i honestly feel as though my spirit is dying. all i ever did was try and love him and this is what i get in return. i must be pretty icky. really icky for my own mother and father to not even like me. i hate that all i can do is cry and feel sorry for myself but i am trapped in horrific pain. im waiting for God to do something..but all that happens is that things get worse. i cant even pay my bills. i have been trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel and keep my faith...but no matter how bad i try and look for the good...10 more bad things happen to overshadow that. i know that things will be better someday..but for the past 2.5 weeks since i found out and since my ex left me coldly..things have only been getting worse. and its pretty hard to even want to go out and go to groups when i am feeling so empty inside. sometime i try and go to the store, but cant go in..cuz i can only sit outside in the car and cry. and i feel like there is something wrong with me that i cannot get it together. and in fact there is...im so hurt, depressed, and alone, that i cannot even see straight. i grew up with many mistaken beliefs that has influenced all the bad choices in my life and now i feel stuck. i have been to some low points in my life..but this is the absolute lowest. and just when i think it cant hurt any worse...it does. and im supposed to quit smoking? ha. its my only comfort right now. and i truly mean that. every day is agony and i cant see it getting any better. and if it was just me so what...but i have an eleven year old that deserves to have a happy and healthy mom. and that makes me feel worse. its 3:00 am..i havent gotten a full nights sleep in months. i feel trapped by this pain with no way out.

hang in there and seek some help...you need to be strong for you and your baby

Keep focusing on that light you can see through the fog..........

And get some help. Maybe your doctor should be your first call. Hopefully he can put you in touch with a good counsellor.
You owe it to yourself and your daughter.

Don't let others' negativity rule your life. Then you are giving them more power. Time to take it back!!

We've all made stupid choices in life. Knowing this and wanting to change is the first step.

Good luck and keep posting!

It's a good thing you called. He needs to know how his actions hurt you, how they affect you and your children. So many times I hear women swallow their sorrows and put on a smile and the guy never hears how their actions hurt people. He could have found someone else for a one night stand....why put you through this.

If you know now that is the way he has chosen to treat you, maybe this will give you enough strenght to say "no" and if he's the type that fills your ears with false promises... perhaps now you can find the strength to stop believing him.

Don't beat yourself up.... demand he treats you well or he can get lost

actually...it was a six year stand. i probably dont make myself too clear when i am writing while in pain...but yes, we have been together for about six years. off and on about 15 times though. so he knows exactly what he has done and how im hurting...but he doesnt care..and i cant make him. but is just shows me that the whole six miserable years were for nothing and that it was a lie. he pretty much loved me..not for who i was..but for how i made him feel. so..to but it bluntly....he used me. he told me that he knew he had no intentions on marrying me for some time no and apologized for "leading me on". but..wishes the best for me.
the worst thing about it is that im sure he doesnt even think twice about it. he has sociopath symptoms and ive honestly wondered if he even has a conscience. i cant help but wish that i had someone to go over there and stick up for me and put him in his place. and tell him just what a maggot he is. why is it that he does something morally wrong and i am the one hurting for it? oh well..."justice is mine say the Lord".

MKL,

don't feel badly for feeling what you did when you wrote. I think we all have ways we cope with the way others had treated us in the past which are painful.

In my recent post about having a panic attack... I felt the same way you are expressing above. It was just so odd Bishop wrote exactly what I was wishing I could have heard when I was going through my attack. I keep thinking at times, I have delt with these issues over and over again and I thought I was over it. I guess sometimes an event can affect us so profoundly it comes back to remind us to take a different path. IDK...

so you mustve been pretty hurt too, huh? so your saying that when you went and sat in the car all you could think about was how your ex hurt you (and it sounds like maybe the same way i was hurt?)
i hear what you are saying. this is something i dont want to ever have happen again. i know that there is something unhealthy going on with me to have put up with all of ex's b.s. for me, he was an addiction. the thing is i hated myself for giving in always, for taking him back....well i think God kind of did for me what i could not do for myself...cuz i dont have any option now...he doesnt want to be taken back. and i know that that will be best in the end. so i have gotten a few books about love addiction and codependency and also healthy relationships so that next time i have a relationship (if ever), i will not be in such a position to be so totally devastated and wiped away. so thats all good..but i just want to stop hurting now! im not to good about sitting in pain..so i am trying to go see a therpist that does emdr so i can start feeling better soon!

quote:

car all you could think about was how your ex hurt you

I don't think I was thinking about my EX but there is sooooooo many people who depend on me... my boys, my job, etc... I think I fear of failing them and leaving my boys alone in this world. (( I like to think my workplace will fall apart if I died )) There isn't anyone to fall back on for me... and I only have myself and God to depend on.

I tried my hardest to keep my marriage together, ... compromising till it was insane... the lies and games just to keep me from ever feeling loved. I know I never want to go back to that kind of craziness

A few years after I was divorced a man showed me what love could be like and in all the years I was married... it was never so complete.

Anyway... I asked God to please have this man find me soon... IDK... I think I'm blind so he'll have to have a sign that says "I'm the One" LOL

quote:

but i just want to stop hurting now! im not to good about sitting in pain

A long time ago in a philosophy class... it was either a Taoist or Buddist belief that pain helps us see our blessings when they arrive. Kinda like the Ying/Yang theory. How would you know the other existed if you didn't experience the other?

That's so true.

When you've been thru the pain, you appreciate the good times all the more.

mklarry, hi dont feel like you are alone there are so many people onthis site that has probably felt like you are feeling right now, i know that i have . I was in a relationship for 7 years and have four beautiful children from it. I was so depressed and lonely when he left but as time went on i realized that i am better off w/o him and so are my children. Yeah it felt good to have someone to come home to and snuggle up with but once he left everything fell into place for me after i realized that i was still the pretty lovable person that i always was there was no stopping me. The light at the end is coming everything takes time and patience . You have to get strong and make it through this not just for your sanity but for your son's. Everything happens for a reason. Believe me ,im far from where i want to be but im not going to go backwards no matter how easy it is.

the thing that is hard is that i feel so filled with hate and anger and i know that only one that this affects is me but i dont know what to do with all of the angriness. i do go and see a therapist on monday so im praying that will help...
but they there are moments or days when all i feel is sad and i want to call him and tell him how much i miss him. but i know that i only miss who i thought he was so what i miss doesnt even exist..and that is maddening.
so i go from anger to sadness back to anger and then again sadness. and although i am able to distract myself at times...i cant seem to get away from the intensity of the pain. its been three weeks now and dont feel i am anywhere closer to peace than day one. any thoughts about finding forgiveness would be great...thanks