I always thought I'd experienced my first love when I was in high school, but that was nothing compared to the man I fell in love with 3 years ago. We dated, we became a proper couple, moved in together and had a lot of fun. I met his family, he met mine (he didnt really get on with mine but we adjusted to accomodate that) but after 2 years together, we decided that things just werent right. He had issues and they were not fixable, mainly with me, but he cared about me and didn't want to hurt me (so inadvertantly he hurt me more by living a lie)

We came to a mutual agreement that we would take a side step and because we cared so much about each other we'd stay close friends. Close friends who after 4 months of being alone got a little too alone one drunken night. Actually, 2 drunken nights to be precise. 3 weeks later, he meets someone and I THINK at the time, I'm ok with it. 4 weeks after that, they go their separate ways, and I realise I'm glad. I realise that I WAS jealous. 2 weeks after that, I find out I'm 9 weeks pregnant. (due to polycystic ovaries, I dont really have periods so couldn't use the skipping of them as a guide)

Around the same time, he meets someone else. Someone who's personality is a lot like mine, but without the flaws he had issues with (suffice to say he's shallow when it comes to appearances and I'm not the thinnest wafer in the pack) and they are getting along well... He's still with her, and I'm now 6 months pregnant with his child. He's coming to scan appointments with me, and he's fetching and carrying heavy items (bags of cat litter - and changing the litter tray etc) so he's doing his bit about as much as he can, but he's getting more and more distant emotionally, and its hurting me.

I know that he's not really a part of my life anymore, only our childs, and he has a right to live his life with her if thats what he wants, but how do I adjust to that? I do love him, but I can't tell if its just as a close friend, or if its the way I did when we were happy together. I dont know if its even love, it could just be the hormones.

At the moment, the new girlfriend says she's happy for him to support me and the child, but I'm not asking him for much just yet. When this child arrives, if he wants to be an active part of their life, he will need to be there a lot more, and she may come to resent that. If he's spending more time with our child, and therefore me, how can I deal with this if it IS love that I still feel for him?

I want to meet the new girlfriend and let her see that I have no intention of interfering in their relationship. I know that nothing can or will happen between me and my ex again, so I want her to see that. I want her to know that no matter how much time my ex may or may not spend with me and our child, he will come back to her at the end of the day.

To even discuss this, kills me right now. I feel like I'm letting go a part of me that I need. I strongly believe in the saying that if you let something go and it comes back to you, its yours to keep forever, if it doesn't, it never was yours in the first place. He hasn't come back to me, how do I let go?

You never truly let go. I don't care who said that neat little proverb, but it just ain't so.

My son's father left me well over 8 years ago. I've seen him twice since then, both times in court for child support. Each time my heart leaps to see him. I wish desperately to connect with him and let him know about the wonderful son that we have created together. My eyes follow him about the room, and I watch his ever gesture, which I still know so well. After raising his son, I can read the emotions that run over that face so much better.

You never truly let go. But now I feel a profound sadness for him. I can hardly explain the level of sorrow I feel for him that he has shut himself out of a wonderful son. He slammed to door on a kid who could have delighted him beyond measure. The son he always dreamed of is curled up here in bed.

So far the only magic pill I've found is real and honest forgiveness. Forgiveness that allows you to feel very sorry for the other person, to grieve for the life altering mistakes that they've made. Grieve for your boyfriend's errors, and the problems he's creating for himself. Feel sorrow for the complicated life he's going to have to lead. You've got it easy, you've got a wonderful child to concentrate on. Poor guy.

well I met the new girlfriend today. It was an experience.

I saw them walking down the street together holding hands and that hit me in the chest like a jackhammer, but I only had a minute or so before they were at my door. (she was buying an item of furniture from me for her flat so made sense I met her at my place and she collected the item too)

She breezed into my home confidently, said hello to both me and my cat and I could tell that she was a naturally confident person. She reminded me of the way I used to be.

The time she was there, we chatted a little and yes I'll admit that she's a nice person. My ex cleaned cats litter tray for me, and apart from the time spent doing that, the new GF had to be touching him in some way, hand on arm, arms linked, as if she was marking her territory, or worse... rubbing my face in it.

She's very affectionate towards him, and he lets her be, which is hurtful for me not only because of our history, but when we first met, he wouldn't even hold my hand when we went out in case we bumped into his ex at the time. Said it would upset her... if he can do that for her (who he was with for 2 months) why couldn't he do that for me (after 2 years!)

They only stayed maybe half an hour, but thats probably just as well. I dont think I could have handled any more of her to start with. It went ok, but she reminds me so much of the way I used to be, and she is such a lovely friendly happy and pretty person that I like her and I hate her for making me like her!

Or am I just jealous?

You're such a strong woman, I wouldnt have been able to handle such a situation, given that the guy is the father of the child I am carrying. If I learned that he has a new GF, I'd stop communicating with him and would even refuse to meet the new girl.

I think your ex is being insensitive by even bringing his new GF to meet you and being affectionate with her in front of you. Now, he wants the best of both worlds by staying with his GF and still having his baby with you. You're the one who's continually going to suffer with this kind of situation. Given that you're pregnant, the last thing you would need to feel right now is depression or pain. Please don't be a martyr by being nice to these people who will only cause you pain. It's time to think about yourself, and focus on what's best for your coming baby. What you go through during your pregnancy will affect your baby and it seems your ex is not at all helping make you happier. You may want to tell him everything you felt after you met his GF, and if he's sensitive and responsible enough, he wont cause you more pain by flaunting his new girlfriend when you're around.

Keep yourself happy so your baby is also happy. Indulge and pamper yourself so you will stop thinking about your ex. You deserve it, you'll be a mom soon. =)

I called him last night a few hours after they left. I said to him that I really liked her because she reminded me of myself, and yes, I did tell him how I felt totally. Apparently she liked me too, as she's asked for my permission to have my phone number. I said she could on one condition. The topic of my ex is a taboo subject (unless there is a problem that as a friend who knows him intimately, I could help with) and she's agreed to that.

Being a part of his life, she's inevitably going to be part of this baby's life, and therefore mine. I think its for the best if we all at least try and get along. If it doesn't work, fine, at least we'll have tried, but if she IS anything like me, it'll not only work, it'll work well.

me again

The new girlfriend asked me if I wanted company today, so came to visit me and we had lunch together.

I see it differently now. I'm sleeping better, I'm experiencing my days differently, and I can think clearly. Having spoken to her, I realise just how much I DID put up with with my ex's insecurities and paranoias, and now.. I know she's around so I'll let her take care of it. If she needs a little help occasionally, I dont mind, but its all up to her now. She said that she really likes him and she thinks it'll be a long term relationship, to which, without actually saying the words, I gave my blessing to them both. Sounds weird to do that because he's a free agent and wouldn't need my blessing, but I think it was a big thing for her. It reassured her and she gave me a hug when I said that I was happy they were together. I warned her that he can and will be hard work, but when he's being sweet... its all worth it.

I feel a lot lighter today. I can relax more easily, like theres a weight been lifted, and I think it was because I was STILL worrying about him, about her, about him and her with me, but thats all gone now. We discussed what we were both worried about and we realised that neither of us have anything to worry about. Just enjoy the life we have at the moment and make the most of the friends we have. I feel great. She'll sort him out, he'll grow up into the man he was meant to be (he's emotionally quite immature - even his mother says so) and she'll be there to keep him on the straight and narrow, but will be fun too. She is what he needs. I think sometimes, I was maybe a little too grown up for his taste (and for my own good too sometimes) and although he likes women who are more mature... the difference between me and her is totally clear. I'm actually laughing right now when I think about how obvious it is.

I still love him totally and always will, and I'll be there for him whenever he needs a friend, and the fact we have a child together, just means that this child will be well balanced having 2 parents who can interact perfectly with each other, and possibly later on, surrogate parents (mum and dads partners) who can offer 2 stable happy homes. This child will have everything they could need emotionally, and so much more love than many not so lucky children.

Its good that you're at peace and more relaxed now. It's all that matters now that you're pregnant. Maybe now you have indeed let go, and allowed the situation to take its natural course. Stay happy, and if you find yourself wanting to vent or holler, we're just a post away. =)

And thats one of the many reasons I like this place!

(better late then never LOL)

I am glad you are at peace with the entire situation. As much as it'd hurt to see my ex with another woman who was so much like me, I'd much prefer a woman I approved of and trusted to be in my child's life. I only hope that my ex can feel the same way about a new man in my life as well. I think there may always be a tad of jealousy but it will come and go. Really, you see the parents of children that are no longer together but remain decent friends through it all and it really benefits EVERYONE, especially the children.

When are you due? I think you are a few weeks ahead of me huh??