Hi Melissa welcome .

Your story is a sad one.

You have made a good choice in staying away from the alcohol.

It sounds like the father is trying to rebuild his family life.

I am sure it is hard for you on your own, I hope you can move forward with your life for both you and the new baby.

Good luck

Hi Melissa,

My story is a little bit related to you and the scared (the 38yo forumer who wants to sue for paternity).

I am single, never been married, and was working abroad when my ex courted me. During the courtship stage, which is about 6 mths, he told me he was single. He was a very persistent suitor. 2 years in the relationship he told me he fathered a child with a woman back home in our native country, but he said they were not married. After a year he told me they were married but were separated. By that time (3rd year), I was already deeply in-love with him. Just to make the story short, our relationship lasted for 5 years, but we did not live together.

Last March 2005 I broke up with him then, for old time's sake we met last June 2005 and have had unprotected ***...and now am 34 weeks pregnant. Then August 2005 he said, he returned to his wife...GRRR! but he said we can remain friends (with benefits)...

But I sticked to my decision to finish the relationship once and for all. For a time, I thought we can be friends, but I realized, since I still love him so...and am also angry about his lies and manipulation...we really cant be friends.

So, I have decided to go thru this pregnancy and raise my child alone. Its not that I am punishing my self, but I just want to make a brand new start on my life for the sake of my daugther.

I was lied to during the first 3 years of the relationship but I hang on it to it for the last 2 years...so there are consequences for the mistakes I have committed.

I am not trying to be miss goody two shoes, either...all I am saying is...all of us women...wants a chance to be happy...no matter what the cost is...but if someone is going to suffer for our own happiness...its not worth the guilt and the conscience...

I admit there are times when sadness and terrible loneliness (and even sexual desires) eat my sanity...but I hang on to the thought that I would want my daughter to respect me for all the decisions I have made after hitting the dust. That I was able to raise myself up even..an inch a day...

Financial wise, I am not in a very good position either...but I have decided not to file for Child Support, as I have seen how ugly the court scene could be...and it would just be another emotional roller coaster ride...

Our company has been recently acquired by another bigger company, and redundancy looms in the horizon.

But a lot of single parents were able to raise their child/children thru hands to mouth existence. And their children respected them for that.

if they can do it, we can do it, too. We are actually much luckier now, as society is already more accepting of single moms. All we have to do is respect ourselves, and they will respect as back.

We should strive hard not to commit the same mistakes, if not for ourselves, but for our children.

Just my 2 cents worth...and hope I do not sound too preachy...

If u can post ur email address...I will send you a private email...and share my pregnancy blog with u...

I hope "scared", the 38 yo single mom is still around this board...and I would very much like to share with both of you my struggles in steering clear of this affair with a married man and preparing myself as a single parent without nearby family support... I am also starting to rebuild friendships that I ignored during that 5 year relationship...and humbly asked for my friends' support. to the point of being thick skinned in asking for hand-me downs...

I told them...I really need their help. I have never ever begged for help/mercy in my entire life, being a breadwinner (for my parents and bro)...I have been very independent. But now...I admit...I need all the support I can get...

but I will not get help from the father...unless it is a life and death situation...

do keep in touch...you are not alone...again people will respect us..if we respect ourselves too..

"The Married Man"

by Marigrace Iodice


It seems so unfair
That he is married
I can�t tell him how I feel or that I care
Even though I want to so badly.


What gives me the right
To intrude on another woman�s man?
Or to destroy her life
In ways she wouldn�t understand?


Even if I block all the feelings of deceit
Because the guilt overwhelms me in waves,
How would I be able to cheat
Or give up my Christian ways?


There�s plenty of �single� fish
Swimming out at sea
I could have my pick of whom I wish
And still keep my dignity.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It seems so unfair
Two people who were meant for each other
Can�t express their true feelings to share
Or be alone for a moment together.


I wonder if our lives would be different
If this were another time or place?
I wonder if I could keep my crush a secret
Without the betrayal etched upon my face?


Men always say it . . .
But they never do
That they'll divorce their wife
Just to be with you.


I don�t think so,
No matter what he tells me!
I wouldn't be able to look at myself
Without feeling so damn guilty!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It seems so unfair, from what I can tell
That I too would take part in committing a sin
Even though he�s married & I�m single
We�re both to blame for the wrongdoing.


I would never again be able to look at myself
If I had any part in committing adultery
There is no excuse - either way you look at it
It would still be considered infidelity.


No one else is to blame for my tarnished image
And feeling guilty is something I can�t handle
Nor can I sabotage another woman�s marriage
Or take part in this scandal.


So the right thing to do
Is turn my back & walk away
Because it�s my face that I�ll be looking at
In the mirror every day.

here I am 3am local time...still cant sleep and been crying out loud...i miss my mother...i miss having someone to talk to at night.

my ex sent me messages thru Yahoo Messenger last night but I ignored him...

am so distressed...

financial worries...work situations...plagues my mind...

if i can just suspend the time...

Thank you for your response. I don't know if I even feel like trying anymore.

I don't know what to say. I guess I don't really understand. You didn't want him to leave his wife for you yet you had unprotected ***. What did you think would happen he'd live with both mom's at the same time? I'm confused.

I'm with SueP on this one. Why would you make a baby with someone if you didn't want him to leave his family to start a new one with you or if you weren't sure you wanted a forever kind of thing? I understand how tempting it can be to start a new relationship with someone after a break-up/divorce, but you have to be realistic about the new person...especially if he already has a family. My heart goes out to you and your child. Focus on being a good mom for now and hopefully this guy will try to be a good dad, even if the two of you don't end up together.

Suep and NOlansMommy,

The mistake has already been done..and it has been almost 9 months of ****. AS I have posted earlier...I have been hiding from my EX so as not to be tempted again to get back to him.

I do not expect anyone to understand...I am here to help other women in one way or another to try to walk straight for the sake of their baby/babies.

So stops castrating us...

We are not the only person to be blamed. It takes two hands to clap. You never know what steps I took so he can get back to his wife. Its already behind me...and now am struggling to move on...

Just a little compassion to someone who have committed a mistake and trying to correct the mistake..

If you have noticed, Ive already taken steps to move on with my life ALONE..even without the support of nearby family.

I am a breadwinner...meaning I support my parents and brother...and also took it upon myself to take responsibility of raising my baby...

btw, I am sorry if I came out too strong...by saying leave us alone...

AS I have said earlier..I didnt ask for child support (financial or otherwise)...whatever mistake I have done in the past has already been done...

What I need now is support in ensuring that I walk straight for my daugther...as far as I am concerned..she is a blessing as she gave me the reason to reinvent my life...no matter how hard it is..

Both of us (my ex and I) are to be blamed...but there is no use in ranting and ******** around the guy...

I have decided to go at it on my own....and I can relate to some of the women in this board...like davefanatic and scared...

If you will castrate us even if we are trying our best to correct what has been done in the past...you are not helping us at all..

All mistakes have consequences and no one can carry this consequences but us...

davefanatic,

You are given a second chance to be a good mom thru the child you are carrying now. A child is always a reason to try again.

And also, how hard as it may seem, try not to commit the same mistake again...if not for you..then for your child.

Our children will respect us if we respect ourselves.

Have you tried looking for a Christian counselor to help you through this stage.

ASide from financial, emotional and physical needs, PG women also have spiritual needs.

Try to find someone, who can help you spiritually, preferably a lady counselor.

IT helped me a lot during my transition...it will not be a rosy world after that...but at least you will not be plagued by a guilty conscience...

Financial worries...work situations are easier to handle than emotional brokenness and being spiritually crushed.

Specially if people who are morally judging you. THere are people who claim to be helping you and are well meaning, but sometimes they are also misguided..

Look for a supporter who is neutral..you cant find that in this board...as it is like putting yourself in a LION's DEN..

I am not blaming the wronged wives...whose husbands left them for other women...but it is just human nature to be judgemental.

Theyve got issues with "other women" like us.

*****
Please do give me your email address so we can correspond privately.

singleal, I really didn't read through your posts carefully. I was replying to the original post. I am merely trying to understand what the original expectations were. I do not think my words were "castrating", I simply do not understand.

Yes, it takes two to Tango, but the dance won't happen if one decides it isn't an appropriate time to do so. Clearly in this case, they make a baby. (one that should be loved and cherished, don't get me wrong on that) I don't think one of the people can continue to blame the other though as only you are responsible for your actions and only you can make choices for yourself. So, that being said I'm trying to understand why the choice was made to take the risk to begin with when the words typed up there made it sound as though davefanatic didn't want a relationship with this person and had no intention or desire for this man to leave his family.

I think that davefanatic is frustrated with... is that she based her choices on the information she had received.


The info. was a cheap ploy to exploit her vulnerability.

Sorry, davefanatic but I can not believe that he was ever sincere. But this is hind sight [it is clearer after the deed is done] and after the fact. It is easier to see the deception, which I am sure is where your frustration is at.

SueP- I dont think she is blaming him as much as it is a projection for having believed, and hope.

You know, I do understand that. We've all done things in our past that we'd certainly do differently now. I just get frustrated when I see others letting blame and/or self pity (not saying you were doing these things davefanatic, really!) get in the way of their own happiness. It isn't worth it, wasted energy, wasted time..... life is too short. Pregnancy can be difficult but it is also the most amazing experience. And the birth of a child is like nothing else in this world. So, Get Up, Forget the Idiot, Move on and ENJOY WHAT LIFE HAS GIVEN YOU!

my comments where aimed at the original post. i don't believe I "castrated" anyone, though i'm not exactly sure what that is supposed to mean in this context.
Here's the thing...if you are looking for support, you CAN find that here....support, however, doesn't mean that everyone is on your side or agrees with your decisions. Everyone here is a single parent, many of us have been single parents since before our children were even born. I am a 22 year old single mom with a 3 month old son. I work and I go to school (both full-time) and i've done that since i was 10 weeks pregnant...because of another woman. But me and "the other" woman are friends now and she is going to be a single mom, too.
If you want support as you go through your pregnancy you have that from me 100%. I know it's hard and lonely and there are many times when you don't think you're going to get through it. But the biggest part of learning from your mistakes is taking responsibility for them. Too many of us (yes I include myself in this statement) allow ourselves to become and to be viewed as victims of a situation. We have more control than we think...it's just a matter of realizing this.
I never meant to hurt anyone's feelings or cast any insults. I apologize if I did so.