OK - so this is probably an age old story but here I am - 37 years old and single and pregnant (16 weeks). I've wanted a baby for a long time but my SO decided to bail on me at 6 weeks and I am obviously in a lot of emotional turmoil over this.
The hardest part is the lonliness - I can't exactly go out and start a dating relationship in my 2nd trimester and I really need some buddies to keep me company through this time. I have friends but they all have their lives too and I can't wear them out keeping me company. I am learning to enjoy my alone time but it would sure be nice to have other's in similar situations to talk to. Any takers? Anyone know of any chatlines for singles?

quote:

Originally posted by Derae:
[qb]OK - so this is probably an age old story but here I am - 37 years old and single and pregnant (16 weeks). I've wanted a baby for a long time but my SO decided to bail on me at 6 weeks and I am obviously in a lot of emotional turmoil over this.
The hardest part is the lonliness - I can't exactly go out and start a dating relationship in my 2nd trimester and I really need some buddies to keep me company through this time. I have friends but they all have their lives too and I can't wear them out keeping me company. I am learning to enjoy my alone time but it would sure be nice to have other's in similar situations to talk to. Any takers? Anyone know of any chatlines for singles?[/qb]

Hi I can be your friend. I just went thru a similar situation. I am 34, have a 12 week old baby and an 11 year old son. Here is my story-I was married and had my first son at 23. He is now 11. I then got divorced and slept with the ex on and off. Well I have wanted a baby now for about two years. To my surprise, I got pregnant last summer. My ex moved in with me a few months later and we tried to make it work but the same reasons we broke up were still there (Cheating, lying, paid no attention to me, etc and on and on) so he is still here but leaving next week. I am sad cause I wanted to work it out for the kids but I can;t take the horrible way he treats me. So here I am alone again to raise my two sons. I did it with our first son, basically by myself, and, luckily, he is a great child. But I am older and really don;t wanna do this alone but have no choice. So that is my life in a nutshell and I need some friends too so here I am!

quote:

Originally posted by Derae:
[qb]OK - so this is probably an age old story but here I am - 37 years old and single and pregnant (16 weeks). I've wanted a baby for a long time but my SO decided to bail on me at 6 weeks and I am obviously in a lot of emotional turmoil over this.
The hardest part is the lonliness - I can't exactly go out and start a dating relationship in my 2nd trimester and I really need some buddies to keep me company through this time. I have friends but they all have their lives too and I can't wear them out keeping me company. I am learning to enjoy my alone time but it would sure be nice to have other's in similar situations to talk to. Any takers? Anyone know of any chatlines for singles?[/qb]

Hey there, I totally understand your lonleness. I was there to at 8 months pregnant. My girl is three months old now and I am loving every minute of it. I left by choice and a great choice it was. I heard from everyone how hard it would be, but how hard is it to have someone that you love so much love you the same amount back. Maybe I am being selfish, but I love having her all to myself. Her dad doen't see her at all. It does get better with time. This is maybe just me but I found myself so busy with my daughter that I didn't think about him. It is so nice to have someone you can trust and love unconditionaly. Any how if you'd like to chat, Iam here. Jayme

Wow - good to know. I'm still hurting over my ex - we had over 4 years together and I know things weren't perfect but my timeclock was running out and I felt it was now or never for the baby. It's really hard to believe my SO has moved on to someone else and has left me alone to deal with this. I really thought no matter what, at least we loved each other but I'm seeing that love is a very loosely defined word.
I've finally gotten past the hopelessness and feeling like I've made a big mistake - now that my belly is growing, I am getting more and more excited about this baby and the whole experience of pregnancy. The hardest time is at night and on the weekend since I still live in the house that we shared together. I am selling this house and buying a condo and closing is at the end of August so that should help getting me away from all of the memories.
The hardest part is that I have no family or relatives even close to here so I rely solely on friends.

Jayme - thanks for the response. I am hoping that is the case. I am having a hard time accepting that someone who I thought loved me and that I loved dearly could just turn off and walk away. It has rattled my world. I feel unprepared for relationships where people can just walk away without looking back. My fear is that I don't want this poor child to have to be my source of love and connection - I know that in time, he or she will grow up to their own life and I want to be rooted in solid relationships and not cling to my child for my source of self. But as life, all relationships evolve. It's just hard trusting that that life unfolds as it is supposed to and that in time the right relationships will present themselves and for now, this child will take up most of my time and attention. And hopefully help me forget the betrayal and broken trust.

I can certainly feel... I'm in my second trimester with my first ever child. Probaliy my last. At 21 I'm scared. My problem is, the father seems to want sometimes to be a part of the child's life.

Some would wonder what the problem is. He's on probation for domestic voilence, lied to me about being married, doesn't pay child support on his two children he already has, and is a alchohalic. His history is riddled with more issues then a Newsweek magazine. I found out everything to late.

I want to do what's in the best interest of this child. His children he has now are voilent, scared, scarred (emotionally), and they are only 2 and 3.

I feel very alone. I wonder what I could have done differant. I can't help but feel excitied about this baby though. Like I said.. its only sometimes he wants to be a part of this child's life. Not, however, when there is responsibilities, bills. He's out looking for new cars while I'm struggling to pay for dr's visit my insurance doesn't cover. Would it be fair to just... lock him out?

If its a long costly procedure for him.. I don't feel he'd fight me. I don't want child support, I don't feel he would pay anyway. I just want what's best for this baby. Brand new and perfect.. I see no need to throw her into a black hole.

Yeah - it's a tough decision and I've struggled with it as well - should I fight for child support or just let the guy out of my life knowing that it's not a healthy relationship and not a great father figure?

What has helped is that I don't have to make a decision right now - I've got at least 5 more months, and even after the baby is born, I don't have to make anything permanent or final. I can take it one day at a time.

Plus time changes everything - what may be the situation today - everything could be different tomorrow. I may meet someone and the absent father may not be an issue, the father may have a change of heart - who knows - I may have a change of heart. Trying to make a decision now for the rest of this child's life is too overwhelming. For today, I choose to not have any kind of relationship with the father because it's not healthy for me and I need to stay in a good emotional state for this child.

Yeah - the growing child inside me gives me a great joy and now that I'm past the first 3 months of emotional upheaval, I am in a good space and excited with each day my stomache grows and I learn about the developmental stages of this life inside. I am looking forward to feeling movement, learning the gender of the child and building a relationship - forming a bond.

I'm glad you can be excited about the pregnancy instead of feeling dread. Everyone tells me that God will provide what I need and I'm living on that faith.

Good to hear from you!

I was in your position, somewhat; my daughter is 3 months old (today ). Her dad and I were dating last summer and I got pregnant. We had stopped seeing each other a couple weeks before when I found out I was pregnant, I was 9 weeks along. Her conception was a total accident, I was so surprised. Being that I was 30, I decided that the time was right for me to be a mom, regardless if he wanted to be involved or not.

She is the best �gift� I have ever been given!

I have not seen her father since I told him, which was back in October [10 weeks pregnant], his choice. We have "communicated" via email (only), even though he lives 15 min away. I have always left it up to him what his involvement in her and my life would be. He has never stepped up, not even to answer the simplest questions. It seems that he can always make excuses and side step and as to why he has been so distant and vague, who knows? I don�t even know if he has told his parents. He is an only child, I am sure they would want to know that they have a granddaughter. He is my age, has no children and has never been married; he works in the medical field so he has a very good, stable job.

His name is not listed on the birth certificate: in Maryland you have to be/been married or have the father come to the hospital (or in front of a notary public) and sign an affidavit of parentage to have his name put on the birth certificate. You may want to look into your states� laws before you deliver; I know each state is different. I have decided to keep his name off her birth certificate unless HE requests to have it put on. I could take him to court and force a legal finding of paternity, but that may cause animosity towards our daughter (even though he has never voiced any doubt of paternity). Not to mention, I do not intend on going after child support in part, I am able to support her on my own and but more importantly I do not want him to feel as if he is forced to be in her life just because he is paying support. If he wants to be involved, I know he will do his best to contribute to her upbringing.

I want to mention that when I told him about the pregnancy he was unsure of what level of involvement he wanted to have (understandably). I told him that it will always be his decision, he is always welcome in our life and I will ALWAYS tell our child the truth about him and his involvement. Meaning, I won�t candy coat anything nor will I distort the truth within an age appropriate limit. He then asked �what if you meet someone else?� I told him that he �will always be his/her father and he/she will always know who he is�. I still believe that is the healthiest choice for us (my daughter and me).

My only regret is that he was not present at her birth. The worst part is that I know he was not there because he was scared; that is why he is not here now, either. He can get to know her as she grows, he can even catch up on her development through pictures and videos, and I have been keeping a journal and sending him updates (about her) since I was pregnant. You can NEVER recreate the magic of her birth. There is no one in the world that will feel the way you feel when you see your own child appear on this earth; it would have been so wonderful to be able to share this with someone. I think that things would have been different between him, her and me if he was there. I was lucky to have my mother and my best friend there, I had to have an emergency section (another long story), but it I still feel like we (he and I) missed out. On the other hand, selfishly, I am glad that he is and has been absent because I can�t imagine sharing her with anyone!

Every situation is different but I know how much help it can be to find people who can understand what you are going through. I am lucky to have a good friend who grew up as a product of my (a very similar) situation. She has been so helpful because I can live my daughters� life through her eyes, so to speak. It helps me to keep a level head when I deal with her father and make decisions that affect her future. Please feel free to email me if you need someone to talk to. I know how lonely being single and pregnant can be.

My advise to you (besides the fore mentioned -lol-) is to enjoy every day of your pregnancy and when you receive your most precious gift, savor every second because, even though it doesn�t feel like it, time fly�s by and then your baby is all grown up! Good luck to you and your wonderful babies!

Jenny

JMSAJS
Thanks for the response. I just found out that I am having TWINS on Friday - both girls. I was shocked and horrified at first but my friend with me was completely ecstatic. I called my sister when I was laying there watching the monitor and she was thrilled and told me that everything would be ok and that these girls would always have each other and I would never be alone again.
Of course that throws a big wrench in my financial planning but thank goodness for assistance programs because I'm going to need help. And fortunately most of my friends with babies have girls and that will help with clothes.

I am amazed at how quickly I am getting used to the idea despite the fact that I have ALWAYS been sure that I didn't want twins. Guess God has other things in store for me.

I agree - I don't want to force the father to be involved - he hasn't asked at all how the pregnancy was going and to me I have no desire to have someone like that in these children's lives although i would always leave the door open if he ever has a change of heart. It's just sad because he was so into the idea of having a baby - especially a girl and now he's completely changed.

In the meantime - I have really been blessed with friends who have been very supportive and excited and encouraging and it has taught me a lot about friendship and community - and I've always been independent and never liked asking for help so this is a new thing for me.

It's good to hear about the joys of motherhood and I'm really looking forward to it although I'm just hoping i can make it through the physical stress of trying to carry two babies in my tiny frame to full term.

Derae

I am pregnant and newly single. It's amazing that there are so many other people in my position. I guess I should share my story: I'm 26 and 13 weeks pregnant with my second child. My daughter, Kaitlin, is 4. I began dating her father when I was 19 and I got pregnant with her when I was 21. My ex was a total jerk the whole time I was pregnant. He wouldn't spend any time with me at all. I had morning sickness really bad and I asked him to just spend some time with me, but he would always tell me that he had more energy than me and wasn't going to just sit around with me so he spent hours each day flirting with bimbos at the gym. He left me at least a half a dozen times while I was pregnant. Furthermore, he was divorced and had a six month old son when I met him. He put on the whole "look-how-great-a-father-I-am" act. Stupid me fell for it. We moved in together and he not only quit seeing his son, he quit paying child support, too. Everytime I asked him what happened he wouldn't tell me. He told me he would leave me if I asked about it one more time while I was pregnant with Kaitlin. He even fell asleep on the way to the hospital when I was in labor. He left me for good when Kaitlin was 3 months old. We got back together off and on. Then I found out that he was cheating on me while he giving me a line of crap about being a family.

I dated a few other guys, but most of them lied about it being ok that I have a kid. I've got a pretty good BS detector as a result. Lot of hard lessons learned. Guys lie -- who would have thought?

Anyway I met a guy at work that I thought was perfect: tall, good-looking, great family. His sister was a single mother, too. I thought it was finally my turn to be happy, but it turns out he just wasn't ready to settle down and get married. He ended up moving back to California. I went out to visit him, but there was no way I was going to move there. He told me for six months he was going to come back and finally dumped me the day before I started a new job. I swear men have the best timing Another year and a half of my life wasted with a man who can't commit.

Sorry, I know I'm getting long-winded. Anyway my daughter's father and I had gotten to the point where the animosity was gone and we were able to take care of Kaitlin. It was hard for me to get to that point. After he left me I told him he could come over every night to see Kaitlin. I let him know that I would leave him completely alone, but I didn't think he was ready to take her anywhere. He decided to be a jerk and he had me served with custody papers at work the day after Christmas. I couldn't believe he had the nerve. When he first left I went to a lawyer and she was going to have him served at work, but I said no that I didn't want to do that to him. I tried to call him and have him come pick up papers at my lawyer's office, but he wouldn't return my calls. I've always tried to be the bigger person, but it's not easy. Anyway, between Christmas and June I never received a single dime in child support and he never called or asked to see Kaitlin. He missed her first Christmas, her first birthday, well you get the picture.

He has tried for the last two years to get back together with me and I have fought it. I finally gave in last August. I was heartbroken over the other guy and my job was horrible. Did I mention I was going to school full time at night, too? Everything was great for about six months. He admitted he had been such a jerk and said he would spend the rest of his life making it up to me. He even wanted to tattoo my name and picture on his harm. Once again, I tried to be the better person, and I told him no because I didn't know if the relationship had changed. He kept trying harder and harder and he moved back in with me. We were talking about getting married and looking at houses. I was getting flowers almost everyday. We had a consultation with the OB/GYN and she told me I would have to take fertility drugs to have another baby. They even tested me to see if I was going through menopause. That biological clock was ticking so loud Surprisingly enough I got pregnant in May. He was great the first couple weeks. We were going to get married and be a family. Then I got hyperemisis which makes typical morning sickness look like a fun time. I was in the hospital twice. Things started to go downhill. He complained that he wasn't getting the attention he needed. I felt like I was going to die and that's all he's worried about. Me, me, me. That's how it's always been.

Bear with me, I'm almost through I found out he was lying to me about his job. He told me everyday for two weeks that he was going to a job he never had. I confronted him last week and he denied it and even had the nerve to look me in the eye and say "I promise you, I didn't come back here to lie to you". What nerve. I finally cornered him Friday into admitting he was lying. I told him we needed to work on it. Then I overheard him telling his brother that he got a speeding ticket and had to go to a driving class. He was getting ready to lie to me again. I finally had enough and I kicked him out. I can't believe I did it. I haven't talked to him yet. He's supposed to call in a few days about getting some more of his stuff. I'm confused and scared. I've lost touch with most of my friends. My family is wonderful and supportive, but I really need someone to talk to.

I'm sorry this is so long. Just had to tell the story. Hope everyone is doing well. I guess the saying that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Derae,

Twins! And Girls to boot! (I am a little gender bias, sorry, lol) Congratulations!

Didn't you just love seeing them on the monitor? When did they say you have to start going to your doctor every week, hopefully soon. It is so incredible to be able to peek in on your little sunshine�s every week. I did, starting my 23rd week, my pregnancy was high risk. It was so amazing to see her develop and change, not to mention, I got a very special photo album of her, before she was even born! Remember, a baby is truly a blessing and you are expecting two, that�s twice as good! I believe that everything happens for a reason. I am so happy to hear that you have such a terrific support group and that will be such a big help. I was lucky; my mother took the week off of work when she was born to help us out. I ended up staying with my parents for 2 weeks. What a difference, I had some complications with my blood pressure after the baby was born so I had to go to the doctors almost every day the first week. I could not imagine that week by my self. If you can, you may want to ask a relative or good friend stay with you the first few nights you are home. If not, maybe hire a nurse to come and stay the night, for the first couple of nights, it is a little expensive but well worth it. About your petite frame, the female body is amazing, you will be surprised how much it will change, but it mostly returns to �normal�. Keep reminding your self, nothing happens overnight, it only feels that way (that applies to post partum too ; ) ). I am sure you will be great! I am going to keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Keep us posted.

Jenny

Phoenix123,

You are absolutely right in saying �what doesn't kill you makes you stronger�. It is amazing the things we do for the love of a man. Stay strong and stick to your guns. I hope everything works out for you and your baby and the one on the way! This site is really great in reminding you that you are not alone, because you are not. Keep us posted

Jenny

Jenny - hey

Yeah - this has been quite an experience. Seeing the both of them in the ultrasound brought them to life and I am so looking forward to feeling their movement. I could see them kicking but couldn't feel it - hopefully in a week or so since I am just 17 weeks now. With twins they will end up doing regular ultrasounds to monitor their growth since it's hard to tell the normal way. Sometimes one baby grows faster than the other and sometimes they run out of room too soon.

I'm really excited. My only concern is trying to find affordable childcare. Since I am on my own and I don't have any family nearby - I am looking for some way to be able to find care for them however, standard daycare would take up 75% of my take home pay and I am still being told that I am not eligable for government or community help. That's frustrating considering how many people are out there who AREN'T working getting things for free and here I am being responsible and I'd do better if I were on welfare. I've thought about going to the child welfare services and asking if they can help me so that I don't have to give them over to the state to raise.

It just makes me so nuts to think that someone with a decent job can't afford to raise two babies when people on welfare raise many babies. It's just completely crazy.

Anyway, I don't have to worry about that for several months and I'm just going to take it one day at a time. I am excited about being a mother and I know God takes special care of his babies and he's not going to let us down.

I'm so glad I found this site. I hate that we are all in this situation, but it does help to know that you aren't completely alone. It's hard sometimes, but it's so important to remember how special kids are. There's nothing better than when my daughter looks up at me and tells me she loves me. It may sound stupid, but when my daughter says or does something that reminds me how happy I am to be a mommy, I write it down. Every once in a while when I'm having a really bad day I'll flip through that notebook and it reminds me that even though men may come and go, the love you get from your child is unconditional and no man can ever take that away from you. I get to find out on September 15th if I'm having a boy or girl. I'm pretty excited, especially since I chose not to find out the sex when I was pregnant with my daughter.

Hope everyone is healthy and doing ok. Thanks so much for the support

Deray,

You should be able to feel them soon, and look out; it will be all the time! Wow, what a feeling.

Welfare is such an oxymoron in that it does not seem �fare� the way people abuse it. It is just so awful that the people who do take advantage ruin it for every one else. Not to mention the stigma they have created for the people who legitimately need and use it. There is a Government organization that will probably be able to help you; even if it is a small amount (every little bit helps). WIC, (Women Infants and Children) is a federally funded organization. I don�t know your exact circumstances but from what you said you certainly seem entitled to it. The main link is: http://www.fns.usda.gov/wic/. Your state link is: TENNESSEE, as of 06/20/02, telephone: (615) 741-7218, toll-free in-state: 1-800-342-5942, website: http://www2.state.tn.us/health/wic/index.htm I just think it is worth looking into. If nothing else there are counselors there who will help you find affordable child care, health care or any programs you do qualify for, such as low to moderate income, remember you are going from �one� to a family of three with your same income. If you feel uncomfortable about accepting or even seeking help, you shouldn�t; think about it this way, this is your money you contributed, you have been working hard to earn and you deserve to get some help when you are in need . Women and children are what this program is set up for, you and your babies deserve it.

If you decide not to contact WIC this may help: you may want to look for a co-op type child care facility in your area, they tend to be a little less expensive and they are usually better than the chains or �good� private daycare. I worked for a co-op daycare when I was in high school and most of college, I taught art. It was such a wonderful experience for me. Now and then, I run into some of my �kids�, they still remember me and they aren�t kids any more, it makes me realize the impact I made.

You said you are 17 weeks, your almost half way there, congratulations! Your babies are very much in tune with what�s going on in your body and now they are starting to hear the outside world. Keep smiling and laughing, play your favorite music, talk, read, sing anything, because it makes for very healthy and happy children. Keep me posted about those wonderful babies.

Again, good luck,
Jenny