hey...dont really know if i have many words in me now...but sometime i surprise myself...im just really sad. its been two weeks since i found out i am pregnant, and its been two weeks since i found out that my boyfriend is deserting me and baby. for good. if he could sign over his parental rights right here and now, he would.
there is a lot more detail to the story than that of course, but right now, today, im just feeling sad. feeling sad overall. i miss him...i hate him...i miss him...i hate him. is this pain going to go away? anytime soon?

mklarry,

I'm sorry you're going through a tough time. I think it's just rotten he desserted you to deal with the situation by yourself. It sounds like your bf means a lot to you and he's not ready to be a father. Maybe he needs to get over the initial shock before he can help you through this together.

Best wishes.

it will go away, believe me. It's natural to feel sad and abandoned... and if I were in your shoes, I'd have him sign over his parental rights. Seeing how irresponsible he is, I'd say run for your life! It would be better that you go through single parenting alone than have a child with an irresponsible father -- it would cost your child more pain. As I always say to the people here... zero ex is better than a negative ex.

I also went through my pregnancy alone, and while the father wanted the child, he showed no signs of responsibility while I was pregnant. It was my choice to move away from him because it raised several red flags for me. I dont want him coming in and out of my son's life, either he is a father or he is not... he cannot be a part-time father. So i cut all communications with him, and I dont regret it one bit. I'm better off being a single mom than parenting a child with someone who doesnt give a d@mn.

I totally agree with you and admire your strength. I know I will get stronger as well,and actually i am already doing much better than i was two weeks ago. it was just such a total shock!..one week he is telling me he loves me ....the next..when i tell him i was preg. he's all of a sudden the coldest person on the planet! saying that he dont want the kid cuz he dont want me to be the mom, and that he dont want to marry me, and that the reason he dont want to see the baby is cuz he doesnt want to have to see me for the rest of his life. and yes, after all that he has showed me he is, i am so very happy that he is not involved. so im not really wishing he was still with me..i guess i am just hurting over the loss..and the realization that he is not the person i had hoped or that i thought he was. and the loss of the dream i had of us being together forever. that still hurts..even though i dont want him back. does that make sense? it took me a long time to figure that out!

I guess the hurt comes from the fact that you feel you were abandoned. Or maybe because of the disappointment that this person wasnt who you hoped him to be. I've been there myself, but when I decided to move on, I felt a huge sense of relief and freedom, altho there is still some pain. Dont worry, it will go away in time. Just erase everything that would remind you of your relationship with him -- letters, pictures, emails, his things, etc. It helped me when I erased all my ex's files, our pictures from our computer, erased his number from my cellphone and sent the things back to him through courier. It's not really hard to move on... it just takes a decision and a lot of tears, but the tears will dry up, and soon enough you will find someone to put a smile on your face again.

Congrats on your new baby by the way! When the baby comes you will be thankful that he will not have to have an a-hole for a father who knows... someone might come your way and offer to parent the child with you. Ask some members here... it has happened. Some have gotten married, some have gotten engaged to a more worthy man. It could happen to you too. So keep your head up and smile, there is always something to be hopeful for each day.

Not only was I abandoned, I was manipulated and lied to. He had said many times that he wanted to get married and have a baby....and now he says that he was lying! what? ouch! grrr..i knew that he was not the healthiest person in the world but he is also a self admitted narcissist and just by the symptoms, I know that he is a sociopath. Ahhh but I thought that for sure he would change at some point...classic codependent thinking. i was blind for 6 years but now my eyes have been opened wide and I feel very angry toward him for pretending to be something that he was not. like i said before, there are many more details that have caused the whole relationship and end of it to be very hurtful and traumatic. BUT...Im not going to focus on that anymore. I cant afford to waste anymore time on him...but i cant just ignore that it was still a loss...and i am still feeling it. My dad is visiting me right now so its alot easier right now. but he goes back home (400 miles away) on sunday and i am scared that that overwhelming feeling of grief, depression, and lonliness will return when he is gone. i wish it would just go away now, but like you said, the feelings of grief and sadness are normal. And I do find solace in the fact that probably everybody goes through this type of hurt one time or another in their life and do get over it. its just so hurtful sometimes that it seems i will always hurt like this over him and i dont want to do that!
I have an eleven year old son and sometimes its hard for me to be there for him totally when im wrapped up im my own emotions. I have always been an extremely emotional and sensitive person..to the point where it actually hurts me. So one good thing is that I am determined to learn how to not live by my emotions so much. My emotions and the way i "feel" are half the reason i stayed with the butthead in the first place, so I for sure dont want to repeat this and go through again in another relationship (about 1000 years from now)
my biggest challenge is that i dont have any other family and only one friend and he is my ex husband. not exactly the one i run to to cry about my situation. I also have major depression, anxiety, fibromyalgia (chronic pain), and a sleep disorder.
So i am definantly needing to build up a major support network. I already have found some groups that I am going to start going to. I am also going to start going to therapy to help me learn to deal with my emotions.
I am on disablility due to depression so I am home by myself when my son is in school, and he often spends nights at his dads house, so i am alone at least 2 nights a week too. and that is when the overwhelming, pit in my stomach, sadness and depression kick in.
but my dads visit has been very good for me and maybe (hopefully)i am over the very worst of it all. I know for sure that its going to take time to heal completly, but for right now, I feel pretty motivated to get the help I need to and to stay active and positive. course that can always change in the blink of an eye with the depression that sometimes comes out of nowhere. okay now i am rambling and i dont know what point i am trying to convey, or if there is even a point at all. i think i was just explaining my situation a little more. anyways, I am hoping that part of my support can be from this forum, and that i can be able to offer support to others as well. thank you so much for taking the time to listen and respond to my woes! its helps so much to hear how other people got through...thanks for that. i see that you have a cute, happy, healthy baby and that makes me smile. right now i am just starting my 7th week and sometime forget for a second that i am pregnant!
All evidence of "him" is gone and I even changed my phone number. I will be having to get health insurance through the state, and that means that they will require him to pay child support. He, of course, wants a test done to verify its his and that wont be done until baby is born. and i dont even think i will have to see him for that.
Right now its hard for me to imagine ever being with anyone else, but that is okay for now. I think I need to get some of my independance and confidence back before i seek to be in another relationship. I do have to admit though, that one of my first thoughts was "nobodys gonna want me..already with an 11yr old and now pregnant!"...but i guess you kind of proved me wrong when you told me that it has happened to others.
we never know what the future holds in store for us do we?

Yeah dont mind that guy... he's a liar and maybe he's gay LOL Be thankful he's completely out of your life, because if he does take interest in your child then you might go through some gruelling custody battle. That is what I'm afraid of now, because I have seen what the others have gone through here just to have custody of their children. Keep your fingers crossed that your ex never comes back! Because it may only add headaches to your heartaches.

Yes there are a lot others here who have gone through the same thing, but right now they are happily married or engaged to someone else (calling on Mashy and Gen!! Where are you guys?? Come on tell your story! LOL).

Well, feel free to browse the forums and see how people here have gone through tough times, but they have managed to move on, and now they are happy with their lives. Yes there is still hope.

And yeah, if you need to say hello to all the others, just put a post under the Open Discussions or the Fun Lounge so others can get to know you.

You have received some excellent advice here...get him to sign over the rights of the child a.s.a.p...

When a woman is pregnant, there is nothing worse I think than being told, that he doesn't want the child, he doesn't want to marry and all of a sudden that perfect little life you thought you had with him is a lie.

I went through that, there is more to my story but I doubt I will disclose it...not ready to yet.

It's strange, how someone can leave us and we can deal with it, but when your pregnant and he leaves, it really does a number. Not only are you dealing with the breakup of the relationship, but now being left to raise a child alone...it does have enormous benefits though when you will see your baby.

It pretty much leaves you feeling betrayed. Like "hello...I wasn't alone to create this baby here"....

nevermind me..makes me so mad

I'll stop blabbering now.

Oh honey I feel your pain. I was married for nine years, had a baby girl. I got pregnant with my son in June and in September, he decided that he didn't want to be a husband or a father full time so he left. Now of course he wants to see our daughter every weekend and all of the sudden gives a **** about the baby...another possession of his.

Hang in there, lots of prayer and take care of yourself and the baby.

it feels so good to hear that others are just as upset about the injustice of this whole thing, like i am.
you are soooo right singleparentcoach.....why is it that he has the option of putting the whole burden on me!!! i know in the end that baby will wonderful for me, but right now, in my circumstances it is a burden that i must carry. its a burden to be pregnant and alone. especially when you thought you were in a partnership. i dont mean burden as in horrible thing, i mean burden as far as having to totally adjust my life for and be strong for and face responsibility for.
i guess its because the baby grows inside us, not them huh. makes it a little impossible to walk away. plus we are the ones with the hormonal changes and all of the lovely physical effects of being pregnant.
i can understand being 16 and being scared..but this guy is 43 years old. he has 3 sons from a previous marriage and is just working on restoring theri damamged relationship.
him and i did exactly this same thing (had *** without protection)...but he can just pretend as though it was a mistake to be erased and never thought of again. so basically he is leaving me to care for his actions. i guess he would say that its my own choice not to abort or to give up and so then since i decided that...its all on me now.
i just how he is making his abandonment justified by the fact that i could get an abortion if i wanted to. im not making abortion judgements here..im just saying that abortion has made it so i deserve to be deserted if i choose to have the baby. like he has the right to make his choice and i make mine and we both then lie down in our beds that we have made.
and that just doesnt sit well with me. i dont want to start an abortion controversy but i am just saying how he is using this as a means to walk away from me and his child. i guess i find it really hard to accept that a baby can "ruin" someones life. it may be not what he had planned for, it may be hard, it may take us to different places than we were planning, but so do so many other things that happen in our life. we lose jobs, we move, we have bad parents, we get in accidents. we get pregnant. but we deal with all of those things and we can deal with the pregnancy thing to. in fact..at least the pregnancy will provide something that is invaluable to us...how can a child not be? i dont know too many people that have kids now that would say "gee...i really wish i wouldve had an abortion." i mean its sooo obvious that it could be a good thing for him if he would let it. but...im done trying to convince him...he refuses to even try and hear what i am saying and i just end up feeling hurt and rejected in the end.
one again, i feel the need to say that this is not a debate about abortion. i am making no judgement about others...i am specifically talking about my situation.
its just not right that he loved and cared for me for 5 or 6 years before gettin pregnant and then when i do get pregnant, he stops caring. if he cared about anyone but himself..he would care that i am all alone...he knows how much i am huring..but all he thinkss of is himself.
how then can he say that he really loved me? i dont believe he can. and that i believed in, suffered through, and waited for years for him...when in actualtiy he didnt even really love me is pretty traumatic for me. i loved him so hard and was there always for him. he wants nothing to do with a baby that we created together and that hurts. nevermind that he is a jerk and does not deserve now to have me or the baby...it still hurts. i would like to think that someday he will regret it and be miserable, but knowing him now, i highly doubt it. and i know that he doesnt even miss me a bit. i went from being his girlfriend, to someone who is trying to ruin his life. i am left feeling that i gave myself to someone for absolutly nothing. six years of **** has only resulted in me knowing that i was dumb and that i should have told him where to go long, long, time ago.
and i was right..my dad went out with my brother last night and the same old feeling sank in and has not left. he is now with my son bowling and i am dreading them coming home cuz then i have to pretend im okay while i am dying inside.
thanks for letting me know that you guys have gone through same kind of feelings..it helps soooo much. please continue to let me know how you got through the pain of it all.....
thanks again