Hello everyone! I'm new here, just signed up a few minutes ago. Anyway, I'm single and pregnant and scared to death.

I just found out 1 week ago that I'm pregnant. I was ecstatic until I told the father of the baby. He proceeded to tell me that he is going to reconcile with the wife and did not want to be with me anymore. (Yep, thats great - I'm starting to wonder if I'm part of the Jerry Springer show).

I'm 32 years old and have always wanted kids - I wanted to be married first, but I guess I wasn't worried about it with this man. I sort of thought he would be marrying me within the year anyway (ugh, 2nd lesson learned).

Now, I have a great job and make extremely decent money, but I'm scared. I will never qualify for any of the government programs, so I'm really on this journey alone. My parents live in Florida, I'm in New Jersey. I told them and they told me that they would support any decision I made - however, they think that I would be making a big mistake having this child. I know they think that I haven't grown up yet - I like to sleep a little too much and I just can't get to the laundromat every week (I have clean clothes

I know it will be hard. I know it will change my life and I know that I will have to "really" grow up after the child comes. However, I'm worried about so many things. As a matter of fact, I have no idea where to start. I've started with the doctor's, vitamins and quitting smoking. But where the heck do I go from here? I have people (co-workers) in my life that promise they will help me no matter what - but people have said that before. When does a person start trusting others with their words, and better still, when does one have more faith in themselves? Will this "scared" feeling ever go away? What has been the most complicated thing that single mom's/dad's have had to accomplish?

That was so long winded, but I'm scared. I'm sorry. Thanks for any advice.

I know that you're scared. Welcome to the site and I'm sure that there will be plenty of others to put their 2 cents in on this. I don't know that the "scared" feeling ever really does go away. It just lets you know that you are still alive and you really care about what happens.

As far as parents go, mine started to talk to me about "options" when I told them I was pregnant. I squashed that quickly because there weren't any I was interested in that didn't involve me having and caring for my child. They love my son more today than they would have ever imagined possible.

As for the not being grown up enough, I think all parents feel that way and mine would probably think the same thing tomorrow if I got pregnant again. Mind you, I've been a single mom since conceiving my son. I love to sleep, but you learn to live w/o it. I don't get to the laundromat every week, but we have enough clothes to last 3 weeks if I really wanted to push it. I haven't let it go that long, but if I had to I know I could.

You will be fine and the people in your life that say they will help probably have the best of intentions. Just remember that if they don't always follow through, it doesn't mean that they didn't really mean what they have said. Sometimes people just get caught up in their own lives and forget.

Just remember to be calm and talk each day as it comes. It is one of the greatest things in the world to be pregnant and one of the scariest you can go through. I won't tell you that all pregnancies are perfect and magical because that would be a lie. We welcome you to get to know us and hope you continue to share your stories and experiences w/us. We look forward to getting to know you! Good luck and keep us posted.

Thank you so much for the advice. As I sit here, I'm crying. I know what my heart is telling me, but then there's the "brain" issue - It's like I'm fighting 2 different me's. It's bad enough that I have quite severe depression (was under control before I found out I was pregnant), and a quite severe self-esteem issue. My mom told me she can't be with me physically (due to them living in Florida, as well as money issues), and she is scared for me as well. She says she knows how emotionally tough this is for me. How come I feel like I let them down? This is actually harder for me than "knowing" that I'm going to be a mom and a single one at that.

Oh my gosh, if I could put myself in a single mother's shoes for a week so I could actually see how hard it will be. I know I could handle it - however, the financial issue scares me tremendously. Like I said before, I will never qualify for any type of assistance for I make too much money. I am already planning on things I can sell or get rid of (I have a really new truck, I'm trading it in for small economical car - this will release some of the financial strain). However, I live in a studio apartment and know I have to look for something bigger (that costs an awful lot in New Jersey). I have extreme credit card issues, that I have no idea how to fix (I haven't been buying anything lately, although I have been paying my "co-pays" on them.) I don't expect to get any child support from the father. He apparently forgot he was a man, and has forgotten how to at least act like one...oops, sorry. He made me really mad. The fact that his wife has no idea this is going on and that I'm pregnant, just really ticks me off.

Geez, listen to me just go on and on...I feel like I can't stop. I want to get my ducks in a row - My job is a Planner and apparently I'm trying to "plan" my life as a single mother.

So many questions, so damned alone.

my1st

well i think taking care of your health is the first thing and the most important thing you can do. after all, your health will effect your baby's health. and i think it must be difficult for woman to see that they are going to become a single mother. but i think you can do it. you sound like you want to cause you are asking for help.
as for the financial problems you described. i know about that all to well. i went from 2 incomes, right down to one. and i had to reshuffle my bills, cards, and dump a few things i owned too. but the good thing is that you have a good career. ask human resources about time off from work when you have your baby. new jersey should have that. i also had low self esteem also after my wife left, but reorganizing my life and getting it going again actually improved it alot. and it might improve yours also.

my1st, welcome to the site. Great people here to help you out with your questions as you go along. You'll be alright. Just take the things a step at a time.
I think:
We have more faith in ourselves when we don't expect ourselves to be perfect, but can be pleased with any of our accomplishments, without them being overshadowed by our doubts. We just learn to do our best with every new situation that presents itself, and try to stay positive.

Like I said, My1st, there are great people here just ready and willing to help in any way they can. We all support each other at our lowest lows and pat each other on the back at the highest highs. You will make the right decisions for you and your baby. As I said in the pm I sent you, depending on where you move if you move to Florida, I might be able to help because I know Central Florida really well. If the move to Florida is one you really are considering, use that link I sent you. It will give you a good idea of the job market and available housing. Good luck and pm me anytime!

Wow, I should have put this post in the "Pregnant & Scared" post. I just now read all of them - many of them made me cry. I am having a fairly bad day today. Work is not making anything easier - the "father" of this baby works there and comes to see me (just to talk of course, really he just listens to me and asks if "he" needs to take me to "get rid" of the problem.) The thing is: I'm not getting rid of "this problem" as he calls it. I can't let go of this bean - I tried, but I failed the interviews (in my heart, I know that I don't want to get rid of this baby). I left work early today because I was useless - I was nothing but crying all over the place. I work with a bunch of guys - and they look at me like "what the hell should I or can I do for her"...and I feel so bad and so stupid. So, I told my boss that I was leaving. I hope I don't get fired.

How the hell do I get over this man? He meant more to me than myself (yep, that's dumb, but it is so true). How do I get over the feelings of wanting revenge on his butt? I don't want to hurt his "existing" family, I just want to have him suffer a little bit. After the crap he has put me through for 3-1/2 years and then I get pregnant, and he decides he's going to reconcile with his wife - how do I get over that? The funny part is: I asked him today, why was he staying married? Do you know that he couldn't answer it - he waited about 5 minutes, and then said, "because its something I have to do"...and then he left. He didn't say because he loved her or anything - now, that is a marriage destined to last - especially since out of the 4-1/2 years he's been married to her, 3-1/2 years he's been with me...

On top of that, my depression is acting up terribly. I feel like the biggest failure in the world and that I have done nothing to make my life any better. I was diagnosed with depression when I was 15. I was on Zoloft & Trazadone for over 3 years - but I stopped taking them about 3 months ago. I have a feeling that I am never going to be able to live without the meds. So, sometime next week, I guess I'll be back at the doctor's asking for the meds (I hope that doesn't hurt the baby).

I saw on the other post that someone had completely got herself debt-free. I really need to know how to do this...I am financially stable now, but when I have this baby, the credit cards are going to be a problem (they are out of control now, however, I haven't bought anything on them in about 2 months). If anyone has any ideas on how to make this a little bit less stressful, I would appreciate it.

I'm sorry I rambled on - I am really having a bad, bad, bad day.

Thanks for the support!
Amy

Hi. I can identify with the depression. I am seeing a therapist now. I am not sure what your whole story is..but in situations like this, the man knows that they have control over you and the first thing you need to do is let yourself know that you are in control. My ex left me for another woman...was seeing her for a year wanting to marry her but at home he was having the perfect family. As soon as I started standing up to my ex..he finally saw that I was not going to give into him. of course, inside i am crying, but you need to give yourself credit. We all want the man to suffer. lol Belive me someday when everyone gets sick of his game playing and he is alone he will suffer greatly.

my1st

i also can identify with depression also. i been thinking of talking to a therapist. also maybe you should to find your self a hobby to help with your depression. i found one and it seemed to help pass time and improve my self esteem. my hobby was going back to school as strange as it sound. but i enjoy it, spend much free time as i can with it and as a result i am getting good grades. but that is mine and you can find yours.

Wow! Do I know how hard it is to look at the man that got you pregnant and has nothing to do w/you, yet tells you that he can help you "take care of the problem". I did that my whole pregnancy. It was miserable and I, too, became severly depressed. It makes life that much more difficult. I hope that he doesn't try to convince everyone that you did this on purpose to "trap him in a relationship" like my son's father did. I couldn't believe it when people started coming up to me asking that. I was shocked and extremely angry over that. I finally got tired of hearing that one day and made a comment that, while true, put a halt to that very quickly. I won't say what that was here, but it was something that they could all relate to since I worked w/around 200 men.

A distraction is a very good idea. I took up reading while pregnant. It took me out of my situation for the duration of the book. It was an escape where I didn't have to think about everything that was going on with my world.

Are you still considering moving? That, in itself, is a major distraction to keep your mind occupied. I would refuse to talk to him since all he is doing is trying to upset you now.

Good luck and if you need to talk, you know you can pm me anytime!

Hi everyone - thanks for responding.

Well, I have, at the very least, 2 months off of work - due to the depression. I am definately considering moving, however, the job issue is a large problem. I have put in 4 or 5 resumes at different place within Central Florida, so I'm hoping they at least call soon.

I really don't think I can go back to my job with that man still working there. I can't stand to see him every day - I love him way too much. Of course, I haven't talked to him in over a week and it still doesn't feel any better.

Just wanted to update everyone. I'm still scared but I know I'll be okay. Oh, by the way: my mother wants me to come down there - she said that I could have their (mom & dad's) bedroom - there is no way in hell I can do that, unless I'm in dire straits. But I thought that was so nice.

Okay, I'll talk to you later. Thanks again.

My1st,

Welcome...

Breathe, healing doesn't happen over night.

The first thing that caught me was your statement about loving his man more than you love yourself. If you feel this, he knows this. I don't care what it is you have to do, but find a peaceful place in your soul and make this better for you and your baby. Don't look to him for that support, it ain't gonna happen, especially if the car is running to take you to get rid of "the problem"... How foul was that....

I will add this, dating a man that is "cheating, separated, going through a divorce", the sacrifice we make of our lives is what we take in the end...the chances. There are NEVER any guarantees that that man is going to leave his wife and take up house with the OTHER woman. Now as far as getting you pregnant, when did it stop taking two people, I dare him. Is he really getting back with his wife or saying that for you to get rid of the baby? You did say you asked him "why was he staying married to her", and it took him five minutes to not say the right thing...for love. Well, when you think about it, you can't expect him to say he loves her, he was with you.

Do not depend on people outside of your family in its entirety to help out with the baby. People say a lot of things until it really comes down to it. Lean on your closest friends and family. Depression has to be the number one factor in singleparenting, as I feel the majority of us have been there. I'm glad to hear that you do have that time off, the first trimester is the most crucial, take care of you two.

Moving to Florida, being near family, and away from the sperm donor, sounds like a great plan. Keep us informed, sweetie.

Peace

My 1st,

What kind of job are you looking for and in what kind of place. Are you looking for construction, banking or what? I may be able to help in Central FL since I have been able to make many contacts in this area. I use to work for an A/C company (the largest in the area) and now work for a business products company that deals w/the state and aeronautical industries. Let me know and I will see about openings and get you the info. You can pm me anytime!