I'm scared to death to be single again and this time, with a 14 year old, a 2 year old, and a new baby due in October. I was 14 weeks when my husband left and took our 21 mo. old. I've just now gotten her back after 9 weeks of attorneys, court, and mind-numbing pain and grief.

I was ELATED to get her home in my arms (after seeing her 14 days in 9 weeks), but my elation has turned to anger and grief again at my husband. He didn't want our new baby and hasn't asked about her in over 10 weeks, but in court papers, cited that he planned to seek custody of her upon her birth. As cruel as he's been, I still have to believe that God is bigger than even this mess and I want reconcilliation. I know part of it is that I want the man I believed and wanted him to be, vs. the man he's proven himself to be, but I still hurt SO very badly. I'm tired of the tears and am SO angry at him for doing this to my 14 y/o (from a previous marriage), as well as our almost 2 year old and unborn baby. They don't deserve this AT ALL and I'm so frightened for their future.

I'm 24 weeks today (A HUGE relief that she baby would have some chance for survival if born now),and still in the midst of litigation, with mediation coming up in the next 2-3 weeks. He's dead-set on divorce, but with the recent CASA report coming back in my favor, it will be hard for him to seek custody at this point (and win). I also believe he has VERY little chance of getting the new baby when she's born. I want SO badly to talk with him and hug him and feel his arms around me, but it's not possible, as he's incredibly hostile. One sad thing is that I recognize that I was a terrible wife in more ways than one, but I always felt that God would change us both through much prayer and counseling, and that our marriage would be a testimony to God's healing hands one day. I want to let go of the guilt and am working on that. It's hard that I can't ask his forgiveness right now and may never be able to communicate that to him.

I suppose I love a challenge too much, and was too optimistic. However, hope is all I have now and a belief that God is bigger at all times. I know it doesn't mean He'll reconcile our marriage, but it gives me strength to function. Any prayer warriors out there that would add us to your prayer list would be greatly appreciated. I also just lost my job and am frantically seeking a new and even better part-time job. So many ifs and it brings such pain and stress. The baby is doing well and the pregnancy the best of my 3 thus far (THAT is truly testimony to God's hand at work). Thanks for listening. Just getting it out to people who will actually hear and read/listen is comfort.
Blessings,
jbeandcc

I don't have much advice, because it seems like we're in the same boat... only I am pregnant with our first child. It's hard to understand why you still love and want to be with someone who has hurt you so much, isn't it? I ask myself that every day. My relationship with God has been the only thing to help me through these dark times. My only advice would be to continue in your relationship with him and seek his guidance in everything you do. Let this hard trial bring you closer to God. I will keep you in my prayers!!!

laura_mae23,
Thanks so much for your response. As sad as it is to say, it does give some comfort to know that there is at least one person out there who's in the same boat. I terribly sorry that it's you, however.

How far along are you? Does your husband want anything to do with your child? Does he plan to be there at the delivery? Do you want him there? I'm struggling with what to do about all of that. I don't want to prevent him from being there b/c it'd be hard to live with myself, just knowing that I prevented it for the sake of our baby girl and even for my husband's sake. I just don't know how I'll handle the emotional side of things and ups and downs of childbirth/postpartum that come naturally. I know I'm capable of taking care of everyone, but I can't imagine giving birth without my husband and the father or our child there. It just doesn't seem right or natural or good. He has yet to ask about the pregnancy or the baby (after more than 3 mos.) but says he'd like to be there when she's born (I pressed him on that question a week or so ago and his initial response was "I haven't thought that far ahead".) I SO don't want to miss him or love him or need him but the fact of the matter is that I do. I'm ready for that part to go away, although I'm not sure it ever will. It's been hard enough being pregnant (I'm 26 weeks now) and not having him here to talk with about it--not that he did much of that before--and not having him here to be excited with me and to feel the baby kick, etc. SUCH a complicated mess of emotions.

I'd love to hear how you're handling all of this. Has he filed for divorce? What are your plans? I'll keep you in my prayers (and your husband and unborn baby).
Blessings,
teentoddlerbaby