So I am feeling kinda bad about this whole mom thing. When Blair was younger, it was easy. I had to feed him, dress him, and keep him reasonably clean. Things with Blair's dad have always been awful. I just can't get along with him. Heck, I can't even say two sentences without fighting with him. Its gotten so bad I don't know who's fault it is any more. Why do I have to feel guilty for stopping one of dads tricks. Dad has AMPLE time with Blair, yet its not enough. He wants 50% and until he has it (and no child support.... THATS what he's after) I am the enemy and we are at war. I found out today he lied to the child support office to get out of paying. I had given them his info and when they contacted him, he lied and said he was trying to get permanent disability and that he wasn't working. He told me THREE WEEKS AGO that he got a new job. I told the lady he lied to them, he WAS working, and she said "now he didn't LIE, he OMITED" Same thing!!! She said that if I could get his employer information, and give it to child support, they would check to see if the job is legit (call to verify employment) and if not, they would give me a number I could call to report him to the IRS and to report his employer. Oh great, is that the same number I report him every year when he commits tax fraud? Big help THEY are, they just tell me to sit back and wait and LET HIM do that. Its all so STUPID! WHY WHY WHY does he get to continue his awful behavior and why won't anyone help me? Why is it he can tell my son terrible things about me so he kicks and screams and REFUSES to get in my car. He's only 4 years old! And he HATES me! Blair hates me. Blair told me he wants to live at dads. I am used to that, but when I asked if he would visit me, he said NO! He is so mean to me. He told my bf that he pees in his pants still because he wants to make me mad! He tells me that he wnats to choose where he lives and he chooses daddys. I can hear his dad speaking right through him. The hours of coaching that must have gone on between them, for Blair to be abole to recite that mantra. And thats what it is. Those things Blair is telling me is just him repeating what his dad says. It says in the court documents not to say anything derogitory about the other parent, but how the heck am I supposed to stop him? And what the heck am I going to do about Blair? He hates me, so anything I have to say is useless. I don't know how to make him stop behaving this way. He is going to be 5 in April and he still pees himself and poops himself on a regular basis! I am so frustrated, I just want to give in and just GIVE UP and give Blair to him so they can both be happy and stop making me so stinking miserable!!!! But then I think about what would happen to Blair if I did that, the kind of man he would grow up to be and I just feel sick. But is this fighting better? It can't be good for Blair to feel so fought over. And what about my parents, they love Blair so much. They would be horrified. And I am kidding myself to think I would be stress-free if I did that. True, all the stress in my life is centered in the two of them and dads need to "win" Blair. This isn't some contest. It's just ridiculous. My words are useless, so what can I do? How do I fix this without giving up?? Thank you if you made it this far.
:badday:

Calgon's here....I will catch you on yahoo about this one.

Blair is a little man. You are a woman who holds him responsible for what he does or doesn't do and you do it everyday, every week and he sees his dad a few days here and there. Of coarse he thinks daddy is fun, I could be fun for four days out of the month. But we are not meant to be clowns, trapeze artists, or or juggling acrobats. We are not entertainers (well not most of the time), we are parents. Parents aren't always liked. And it does not change until they becoe parents themselves and know first hand what we have been through (not talking about myself am I?). Let him know that mommy does not like disciplining him but that you really don't care if he likes you or not, you only care that he does not act like he is spoiled and that he respects you. Let him know that if he can start being respectful you can start being fun again. But until his attitude changes you will continue to be the mean ogre he seems to hate.

Simple: be good and you might like me. Be bad and I will always be someone you like to irritate.

Good luck baby. You sound like you are at your wits end and I have been there a few times myself. I empathize. If it helps any, Moni went through a few stages here and there and I was very firm and consistently so. I let her know that I didn't really care if she liked me, that I loved her, but we would get along a lot better if she did.

Pita, has some good points. You need to stay consistant with him. Be firm and don't allow the behavor. 4 is a very trying age all by itself muchless in these circumstances.
You may want to check with the court house and see if there is anything you can do legally since your ex is not abiding by the divorce decree.

He sees Blair 8 to 10 days a month. Like I said, he has AMPLE time with Blair. He even has 30% legal custody. (This is totally BS! Legally, I had "more than 99%" and he had "less than 1%", this last time when we went to court, the mediator did not even read any of the previous paperwork and arbitrarily assigned my ex 30%, even though it was NEVER discussed! It was added AFTER THE FACT! The mediator assigned legal custody based on the visitation, which isn't how it works here. I plan on having that discussed when we go to court soon.) He uses that 30% as leverage to say I am not considering his opinion in my decisions. What he fails to realize is the "decisions" he says I am making are out of my hands. He is mad I chose what school he would go to without talking to him first. Well, I did not choose his school, he goes to public school. It just happens to be the school that is closest to us. He also got mad I didn't discuss which doctor to choose for Blair. Well, I have two reasons for that. First off, I was put on the spot to choose and had to pick right then. Second, it is HIS responsibility to provide health insurance for Blair. If he is going to force me to provide it, and never offer me any compensation, and not want to be involved at all, then he can kiss off when it comes to decisions. If he wants to make those choices, PAY FOR IT.
As far as Blair's behavior I don't know what to do. I am consistant, but Blair is receiving mixed messages. Dad is traning him to hate me, to defy me and make me mad. I am telling him he HAS to respect me. I have tried telling him that if he is tired of me being mean, then he had to be nice to me, because as long as he was mean to me, I was gonna be mean to him. Last sunday when I picked up Blair, he was being a perfect gentleman. He said please and asked nicely every time he wanted something. HE remembered to get out of bed and go potty rather than peeing in the bed. I praised him all up and down. I hugged him and tickled him and told him how proud of him I was for being such a nice boy. The next morning I took him to Wal-mart and let him pick out a new hot wheel for his collection. That afternoon, he pooped in his pants, then tried to hide it, denied it when I asked, then ran away when I tried to check his pants. The new hot wheel is now on top of my monitor where he can't reach it. Yesterday when I picked up Blair, he was like a rag doll, he hung his arms down and hung his head and refused to get in the car. When I picked him up to put him in the car, he went limp and I almost dropped him. I had to lay him in the car because he refused to stand up. All of this in front of dad who was smiling smugly at me as I attempted to ungracefully buckle a limp four year old into the seat. The kicker was Blair's clothes were yet again filthy, and Blair's dad was holding a backpack. In the backpack was the change of clothes I had packed for Blair so his dad wouldn't make him wear the same clothes two days in a row. Well, the change of clothes was still neatly folded in the bag and Blair was still wearing the dirty clothes. His face was smeared with some kind of candy. He smelled of cigarettes. Then he told me he wants to live at dads and never visit me. I don't know what dad told Blair, but it sure made him ticked off at me. I got mad and told Blair when we got home "You don't have to believe what your daddy says Blair, sometimes, he makes stuff up and lies. He can't help it. But he doesn't tell you the truth." I know I shouldn't have said it, but he needs to know his dad is lying to him. He believes him so much. My head hurts *sigh* So far the morning is good. Blair is almost done cleaning his room, then we are going "picture taking" Thats when we go someplace cool each with our own cameras and take pictures. I am waiting for the latest spatter of rain to stop. The sun was out earlier this morning and it looks like it'll come out again. Then me and Blair can go look for cool stuff to take pictures of.

EDIT: 2m2c - we were never married.

It sounds like you just have to keep on doing what you are doing with a stiff upper lip. I think if he is lting to your son it is not derrogatory to say that he is. It is not like you are going out of your way to speak badly of him.

And always, come here when you are irritated. Out of all these members, someone is bound to have big enouh shoulders to help you through it or just listen when you need to vent.

Seraphin,
I have said this before that you and Blair need counceling. It is only going to get worse...You need to get ideas of how to handle Blair...not only Blair but your behavior and your reaction toward your ex. Why haven't you done this yet?? We talked about this before in another post...What is the hold up with counceling...is it insurance or something?

PS-- Why is this topic posted under working full time...just curious.

Sera, I know you and Blair started counseling not long ago. Are you still going? I know that last Wednesday you were going alone. You need to address this w/them while you are both there. They will be able to best help you deal w/these types of situations. I would also be getting in touch w/my lawyer and telling them what has been going on. There has to be some kind of legal recourse you can take since he isn't abiding w/the court order. Blair does not hate you. He's just repeating what he's been told. Try not to take it so personally. Keep doing what you're doing and things will turn out fine. We are always here for you!

Sera - Remember Blair is repeating what his dad tells him. He loves you, hes just having a hard time with things. I know you two are going to counnseling and you are at his school Wen. afternoons, you just have to keep doing these things. Make sure you tell the counseler whats going on. Why would dad put him in dirty cloths, when clean cloths are in the bag. It doesn't sound like he has your sons best interest at heart. Talk to your lawyer, see what can be done legally.

Oh ok...I missed that about you actually starting councelling. Good.

I am sure with time that it'll all pan out and in the future...Blair will know full well what is what. Just keep on keeping up the positves...remember that every negative thing he does has an equal and opposite...positive. It will surface eventually so don't get caught up in the BS. Everytime Blair says he hates you...say well...I love you Blair and always will. (I know you do this) Eventually it'll get old and he will stop saying it. He is definitely being coached and he will figure that out too. Don't worry because it isn't going to do you a lick of good. Just keep working hard and re-affirming that he will always live and be with you. Take it easy and remember to breath. I'm here anytime.

Thanks everyone. life here is pretty crazy. It has been raining like mad all year so far. We just had a heck of a storm all weekend, ending in 14 continuous hours of downpour-like rain from last night until early this afternoon. My patio flooded, and then my kitchen, then the living room. The landlady was reluctant to do anything until my bf went crazy and started yelling at her. Now there are two amazingly annoying fans that are supposed to run for the next 48 hours (oh lord help me) and there is another machine that is supposedly absorbing water from the air and running it down a hose to my sink. It's a pretty constant flow. Another high point was when the guys with the sandbags showed up. They noticed the water was mostly gathering at an old clean-out in the plumbing system. They got some tools and removed the top of the cleanout and all the water in the patio went WOOOSH down the drain. That was 90 minutes ago and water is still going down the drain. unfortunately the water that is going down the drain now is water that has been gathering under my house. Yep, UNDER IT. The large puddle on the west side of the house is now almost gone. The cleanout is on the east side of the house. Basically, the house is sitting on a puddle. Fun. We're just renting so we might have to move before the whole thing comes down on our heads. Anyway, so thats my life today. All that went down while I was at work. So you can imagine I haven't thought about Blair much today. He spent the day with my mom and his cousins. Aparently when my mom put Blair down for a nap, he peed in her bed. She wasn't happy about that and gave him a good old fashioned grounding. When I picked him up he wasn't happy. I got home to the disaster, so I just kinda shoved him in his room, then came in later to read him a story at bedtime. We're supposed to go to a special session with the counselor. We're supposed to go in a room with a one-way mirror where all the big-wigs will be watching us and making an assesment. I am hoping we'll be moved to a new counselor because mine is always looking at me with these saucer eyes when I tell her anything about my past. I need someone who won't act shocked when I fess up to something. If they don't move me, I will take the oportunity of meeting the big-wigs to ask for a new conselor, someone more experienced maybe. Besides, this is really for Blair, but I think the counselor is just in shock I survived my childhood and am still sane, not on medications, and a functioning adult. I dunno. I just know I need someone different. This is supposed to be about Blair, and its easy to focus on me, but HE is the one who is trying to express something and no one is listening to him (or able to understand his message) I am so frustrated, but I feel sorry for him too. He is so smart, but he can't say what he's thinking because he hasn't learned to express himself. It must be hard for him.

PS: THINKER I put this in Working Full time, b/c I was supposed to talk about how guilty I felt about working and not being able to be home for Blair to figgure out whats wrong with him, and how Blair's dad uses the fact that I work and put him in daycare to not only make ME feel bad, but make Blair mad at me. I never got to that point, but I do tend to ramble.