I need to vent.
I cannot believe that everyone who depends on me for emotional support is so unhappy. Why are people who are so strong and so smart making such bad decisions. And why do i have to watch this happen and hold my tongue, and then pick up the pieces.

I am trying my hardest to be a good mother and not whine about my own issues all day, but it is getting harder and harder to be Miss Mary Sunshine for people who continually criticize and try to kill whatever small joy I can find. I can't move out because all I can afford is a cardboard box. Housing prices are ridiculous. I love being home with my son and he has surpassed a lot of predictions for his health and development ( He was born at 28 weeks) He is my only joy but I don't want to cry in front of him. Where can I cry? What can i do? All I can do is continue, but I need some outlet for all this, someone to talk to and if need be receive a hug. I feel like I take care of so many other people and I recieve only resentment if I don't continue treating family members the way they are accustomed.
I am the mother of one but i feel like i am the mother of 8.

ok i am finished
peace

First off, BIG HUG!

Second-- glad you vented. I'm still working up the guts. I have a residual fear of being a downer, exposing my soft underbelly, stressing my friends out, etc. Sounds like you have a lot of people who depend upon you for emotional support and not too many people who give it back to you. I have a hard time talking to a lot of my friends since they are not single parents. Sure, they have issues-- parenting, marriage, etc. but not quite the one's I do. They're not worring about how to move into someplace that's not a cardboard box. No, some of my oldest friend's (still footloose and fancy free) biggest trauma is finding an "emotionally fufilling" job or whether or not they should go out with that cute guy who is gasp! 8 years younger. Huh.

So vent on! Makes me feel better just reading yours and knowing its not just me.

Alamama

Thanks for the response.

This is a good format for venting.
I can relate to the cardboard box comment. I am also looking for a place ( I am living with my mother)and it is not working well for my mental health. I guess I have to be better about taking time for my self but, I am the cheapest, most reliable babysitter I know.

Living with parents is HARD. I live _near_ my parents and that is tough enough. Years of living on my own far far away, and suddenly I am back to calling my mom if we are going to be out late or decide on a change in plans. I can't help feeling a bit frustrated-- almost like I did in my teenage years. I'm grateful for my family's love and support but don't want to regress to our "old" relationship. We had grown beyond that prior to my child/marriage failure. I know they are trying to help, and damn it I need help but I hate the feeling of having a parent checking up on me (What are your plans? Have you had the car serviced? Where are you going?). Ugh.

As for the babysitter thing- no doubt you are the cheapest and most reliable babysitter you know-- but I have someone watch my child 1x a week - for 2 hrs. It' great. I'm not imposing on my mother (who is $$ cheap, but sometimes emotionally more expensive as I don't want to feel as if I am taking advantage) and for two glorious hours I can clean my house without a mini tornado behind me or just vege without a tiny hand tugging at me. It's great. I recommend it. Don't know how old you kid is-- its deffinitely easier when they are older.

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My son is 19 months and is definitely into everything. He is just beginning to play on his own for minutes at a time. I enjoy his company but sometimes when he falls on the floor all I can do is look on in disbelief until the tantrum subsides.
I am in a house with people who are telling me the best way to do everything whether or not they did it that way. I am debating going back to school while I am in my mothers home but I don't know if it will further damage our already tenuous relationship.

Right now I am saving money (not easy with this economy) and trying to plan wisely instead of just packing up and heading for Guam, Alaska, or somewhere else far far away.

This is so therapeutic. I am sleeping better because I am getting this out.

My daughter is 22 mos. and is starting to talk so I can often remind her to "use your words." I also give her a time out by sitting her down on the floor & this has become extremely effective. If she is misbehaving often all I have to say is "Do you need to sit down?" and she stops. Of course she's still testing limits so sometimes she doesn't. I also let her know what the consequences will be ahead of time as in "if you throw things in the store we will go back to the car." She still wipes out entire display racks in a fit of temper, but sometimes she doesn't. It really is a "phase." This too shall pass.

As for the heading out for parts unknown-- boy do I identify. I fantasize about taking what little savings I have and running off to a country with a good exchange rate before I fritter all my money away making up the gap between what I earn working (for $12/hr plus health insurance in a public school) and my expenses. I only pay $2/hr. for childcare but have to drive 50 miles a day ferrying back and forth and the gas is killing me. I'm thrilled about women's lib. and the fact that I CAN work but the way the economy adjusted so that a family can't survive on one income just SUCKS. I don't know what to do-- go back to school so I can get my teacher certification is one plan. The only way I can swing that is to do it online. I'm really nervous about the time commitment. When will I sleep?

So anyway, no wonder we're freaking out. But as my grandmother is fond of saying "only worry about what you can change"

Have you checked out co-abode (www.co-abode.com)? It a web site for single mothers interested in house sharing. It makes such sense-- shared expenses, responsibilities etc. I fantasize about owning an apartment building and renting it out to my single mother friends. Crazy I know because I can barely make my own rent and i know how unstable our lives are- hardly ideal tenants. But still imagine-- shared child care, support, friends for our kids-- community. I've always been interested in cohousing. so that's my dream- get myself together enough to move back to civilization (I currently live in a very small town) and find some cool mamas to share the burden with.

What is your dream?

Head in the clouds is better than a nose in the gutter,
alamama

My dreams, My dreams My dreams...

I have so many.
I think I would love to have my own space right now. And a way to pay for it.
I used to dream of owning a skyscraper and landing my helicopter( which I would fly of course) on it when I had meetings. Pretty big dreams. Now I would love a two bedroom, in a good school district.

I was on my way to business school before I found out I was pregnant. Everything that happened between then and now is a blur, and I am amazed that all that "drama" is in the past. I have learned from my mistakes and I think I am learning from other peoples mistakes as well.