Forgiveness

"Sometimes the Universe just conspires to make you grow". When my brother said these words to me it was the last thing I wanted to hear. My husband of twenty years had moved out, moved on from me and all I felt was hurt and fear.

Now, four years later I can see the lessons, embrace them even, but it's been a long time and lots of work to get here. I'm not particularly special , I'm just like everyone else who experiences great loss - it's what we decide to do after the initial pain and shock that separates us.

We've all known people that don't let go of old wounds, they carry them with them all the time. I knew from the beginning that I didn't want that to be me. I refused to leave my spirit back in 1996, even though there were times that it seemed a very comfortable choice to make.

In the beginning it is a struggle to let go. In some strange way the hurt feels powerful, it can be a club to beat the person who hurt you with, it's an easy out when things feel too overwhelming. We think that we have this powerful wound that makes people feel sorry for you, that "you poor thing" sympathy which can be so seductive. What I began to see though that it was really quite the opposite - the more you hold on to this hurt the more stuck and weak you become. You completely give away your power.

I believe it takes as long as it takes to let go and move on from a hurt, but one has to be an active participant in the process. It won't just happen. I have worked long and hard in the beginning with a counselor, on my own, and with a personal coach. These have all been steps on my journey that has helped me to heal and let go.

Our culture erroneously confuses forgiveness with forgetting and we don't let go of hurts because of ego and pride. What we don't understand is that forgiveness is something you do for yourself, it frees you to let go and move on. If you can't completely forgive take it slowly, one step at a time, it doesn't happen overnight. You don't need to embrace the person who hurt you and say "all is forgiven!". You can do it quietly in your heart.

A great step you can take in moving on after the initial period of venting and sharing your hurt with those close to you is to stop talking about it. Stop giving it your energy and attention. Take your power back. Most of the time the person who hurt you has moved on with their life, by holding on you are not allowing yourself to move forward.

Forgiveness is the greatest gift you can give yourself. What steps can you take today to let go of an old hurt that's holding you back?

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Candace Hammond
Personal Coaching
personalpowercoach.com

Thank You,
Your advice is so true about letting go. I keep trying to let go but really don't know how.I try not to talk about her but I see her when I pick up my son and all the hurt keeps storming back. I pray I'll get beyond all the hurt and be able to find someone to love and care for. I am very picky and want to be with a speacial women to love and share my feeling with. I am not looking for sex just someone to have fun with and really care for. I know this must sound stupid but I have dated several women and none seem to be right for me.
Thank You,
Gene

Forgiveness & power...while I find I can forgive my bson`s father for things that he has done to me...I find it difficult to forgive him for the things he has done to his own blood. I don`t have to ask why, any more I can only ask ,"How?" How can you do this and sleep at night? hOWEVER, AS A SINGLE MOTHER OF 10&1/2 years... to have his father come in and start demanding excessive visitation for his girlfriends sake, is disguisting at best, and to fight the courts, without the $$$$$$$ for a lawyer... has made me consider going back to school to become a lawyer....LIke the saying goes, one door closes, another door opens, but if you gaze too long at the closed door, you may not see the other doors. carbondale mom

Well, I tried everything that I knew to try. Nothing worked with him. I had to sit up and realize that he wasn't going to be the man that I needed or the father that my son needed. He's an alchoholic, drug addict, abuser. Now that I have gotten some distance from him I can't figure out for the life of me how a strong woman like me fell for it. It started out small and he reeled me in, then it just went down hill at a very rapid rate. My son is almost 11 mo. old and his father hasn't seen him since he was 7 weeks old. I'm glad. I moved far enough away to where he only calls every once in awhile and threatens to show up. He is unemployed, so child support is not an option. I don't love him anymore and after 8 years of being envolved with him that is saying a lot. I use to think that if you ever loved someone you would always love them. I think that that is a lie that they tell us. I become stronger every day. I work full-time, go to school over the internet and, of course, am raising my son. Honestly, I haven't really left the house since he was born. I'm only 23 years old, but this was my choice and I am only so grateful that God has allowed me to live this long. My son saved my life, I guess that that is my story. I was lost before him, now I am found.

Saydey,

Girl, you are so much stronger than you can ever begin to believe! Sometimes we think only with our hearts and not our heads and get swept up into a situation that we normally may not have. To know at 23 that you and your child are worth so much more is outstanding. You will become stronger everyday & you definitely are on the right path for having the life you want for yourself and little one. It's not easy at any age, but we do it because we look into the eyes of our children and know that they along with us deserve to have so much. You just keep doing what you are doing and you will achieve everything you desire. Good luck to you and take care. *big hug*

Hutch,
Thank you for listening and being so kind. It is often hard to get that from a lot of people in life. You are a sweetheart.
Saydey

Thank you & keep your head up! Take care & be good to yourself.

Yes, this is very interesting, the big "F"-word subject. I've just taken a workshop at my spiritual center where we discussed forgiveness as letting go of our own anger toward the people who have hurt us. This does not mean to say that it was ok to have hurt us, IT'S NOT!...just that our own anger blocks us from continuing on in life...keeps us from seeing what we want to do for ourselves. This may sound rather pat and easy...believe me, its just about the hardest thing I've ever had to meditate on and realize! I've been trying to hand it over to the Universe first thing in the moring when I wake up. And my story is rather typical, not anywhere near as difficult a struggle as what some of you have posted! The only person that I worry about (of course, being such a guilty Mom) is my 11 yr. old daughter. She's at that age between Pokemon and nail polish, where the emotions are on a fast roller coaster ride, "MOTHER!" is beginning to loose status as best friend, just now starting to think of boys as relationship material and her Daddy up and leaves us! Whew! I got her and me into therapy, toot suite! Of course, he is not...."If I feel like I need it, then I'll go" What got to me(one of those many "little" things) is that he didn't even wait to move out of the house before taking a picture of himself to join some internet dating clubs! Some respect going on there. See, this is what I have to let go of...all these niggling bitty things that add up. May not sound like it there....but I really am trying to let go (Its only been 3 months! Aghhhh!) I try not to let my anger show too much to my daughter to protect her feelings toward her Dad. I've already had to put "boundries" around him as to what to say and talk to her about...no self-editing on his part...so her feelings won't be hurt further by him. Do you get the feeling that I'm double parenting? Hmmmmm? Tell me to Stop It! Anyhow..I should stop it at this point...Thanks for listening to me yammer on and on. I'm grateful to have found this site. sd (ps Hutch, I'm from Boca originally...I'll be visiting family there in March, I hope)

i wish i was mad at someone else for all that has happened in my life. i find it eisier to be angry with myself and not able to forgive me. i am a single mom of 4. 4 different dads. how can someone so "smart" be so stupid??????? i used to be outgoing and social, and now i just sit home and sulk.i fear a social life because i have nothing else to talk about but my kids.{i do daycare at home too} i understand what you are all saying but it's really hard to let go of my own crap.....thanks for listening

Wow, forgivness..one word that has such an effect on one's life..isn't it?
I have been a single mom for about 5 1/2 years now and during that period I have found it very difficult to forgive myself for choices that I have made either by choice or by necessity. (Divorce is always an interesting thing..no matter how mild or intense) I have on occassion found myself crying myself to sleep and telling my daughter that I am so sorry that she was brought into a world where demands are so heavily placed on you to suceed and be sucessful.
Given that background I have made my peace with things that happened bewteen my x husband and myself and have actually forgiven him for "his actions" I don't forgive "the behavior". I was told that you know you are coming out the other end of divorce when you become apathetic. I guess that also explains the above statement.
I do believe that positive energy is much easier to tote around than negative. So, I try to keep that thought.
LOL, even though secretly I kina wished this hunting season that there would have been a random incident where a heard of deer just might have trampled him.... Bad I know..
just a guilty pleasure I have I guess.
Try to forgive and move on with your life..whatever you do, don't blame your children they weren't asked to be brought into these situations..we brought them here.
Thanks for listening to my rambeling.

I dont know how to forgive. I was with my boyfriend for 4 yrs when he broke up with me (after finding out I was pregnant).

We moved half way across the country to start our lives together. He has cheated on me, lied to me but for some reason I still miss him and love him so much that it kills me to talk to him. I have asked him not to speak to me, write me or even ask our friends about me because I can't deal with it.

I am about to have my 1st baby in about a month and part of me wants him there but the other part wants nothing to do with him. He has not helped me prepare for this baby (clothes,diapers,crib etc) He is over $20,000 in debt and I can't seem to deal with this at all. I keep getting emails from his Mom saying I hope you can come to terms with this and let him be a part of the baby's life but I just don't see how I am going to be able to do that. I can't even imagine having him take my baby out with some trampy girl playing house when he doesn't help in any way $$$ wise. I dont want Child support from him. I just dont want him in our lives but I dont think that can happen. I am so hurt still and so confused. Its only been 4 months should I be over this by now? If you still love someone how do you forgive and be civil to them for the baby's sake.