That's basically where I'm at right now. Not answering my phone, barely answering email, I feel tired, worn out and I want to cry. I want to scream actually. I'm angry with a lot of things lately and some of them I know are just my depression.

I'm trying to keep positive, I really am but . . . I'm self-imploding. Not talking to people at work. I have to keep myself somewhere so I keep myself here. I am comfortable here. I am safe here. This is the only place where I can not let myself drown out of.

I dont like feeling this way.

Wish I had the words to make you feel better, hopefully this will suffi ce

Thanks. I love hugs from my friends!

I am feeling better today and was feeling better yesterday. Some days I just can't think straight or get out of it but I'm working on it. That's good right . . . to put forth an effort?

Hang in there Smshy. It will get better. I've been fighting things off too. It sucks.

Make sure to keep talking to people, even if it's just us. If you hold it in you will implode or explode and that can get messy! We're here for you .

Sarah, you know what I have to say on this topic already, and know that I am here if you ever need a shoulder...You know how to get a hold of me. Right now is probably not the best time to utilize my hypocritical advice, but I am still here if you need a shoulder to cry on....

I know I must have said this somewhere else on here but oh well, I dont mind repeating myself.

I have these days where I seem to have epiphanys about my life. Where everything is clear. I can think clear, I can make out a good plan and I feel wonderful and like I could do anything. I feel like my plan will really work and it would . . . if I could keep that feeling and that state of mind. That hopeless feeling sticks with me constantly lately. I can't seem to shake it. Its almost like its embedded into my circuits.

I am the one that usually listens and helps all my friends with their issues and I am there for them. They are there for me but some of them, only want to be there for the during the good times.

I am working to get past my issues and this weekend have a small list of goals that I want to accomplish. It will be good to get those things done. I am also starting a journal.

I love you guys! You are all awesome! Thank you for your suppose and encouragement.

Joey . . . honey . . . thank you. I do have your info and am here for you also hon.

SAME for anyone who needs someone to talk to. Just PM me and I'll give you my number. I have unlimited minutes and I love to talk to my friends.

Tomorrow I am calling several therapists to see if I can get into one this or next week. I am falling fast again and I believe I am in need of a change of medication and need some serious therapy.

Thank you all again for being here for me through thick and fun

Were you able to get in to see someone. I finally did -- I posted last week. My doctor told me that I am still dealing with depression and suffering from anxiety, we tried a new mix of medications, so we will see how that goes. But she did tell me two things that I am trying to put in to practice.

The first thing she told me is to make a list of people who love me and who I think can support me. I did. Then she told me to reach out to those people and tell them how I am feeling and that I need support right now. I did, I sent an email and told my friends that I needed them...and you know what? They rallied and they are taking turns scheduling time with me so I can vent and not feel alone. In fact one of my friends told me that she was proud of me for telling them that I needed support because they just didn't know...

The other thing that the doctor told me was to start being selfish. If I don't selfishly take care of myself I am not going to be any good to my daughter. The only people who need anything from me are me and my child. Everyone and everything else can wait. So, while this might be hard to do (with work and other responsibilities) I am giving it a try with the mantra that my doctor told me to do this.

I don't know if that will help you, but I hope it will. I will keep you in my thoughts as I know how painful this can be.

I did read your post when you posted but I decided to take a bit to think about my response. I think your doctor had some very good advice.

I did stop taking my meds due to reasons that I'd rather not post but it was good that I did. I feel like a cloud lifted and I'm not feeling so disconnected anymore. I was so detached from my emotions and from my life that I didn't realize what I was missing. I was being harder on Kai and not the mom that I want to be. I realized that feelings are not things that I should be ashamed of, everyone has them. Its how you deal with those feelings is what should matter internally. I dont need anyone to validate how I feel but I need to realize that its what I think about myself that matters not anyone else.

I have only discussed that I will be attending therapy next week with a few people, mostly here and one IRL person, who has promised not to discuss it with anyone else. Your doctor said it was good for you to ask other people for help and to let them know that you need support. I on the other hand, do not want everyone in my life to know. I have a fear, whether or not irrational, that people will treat me differently or try to be sensitive to me and that's not what I want. I want to be treated normal, good and just loved by those around me. Someday I may need to express these issues with certain people but for now, I'm more comfortable with things closed off from certain others, specifically because some of my family are very critical and I'd rather not deal with their nonsense.

I do think that my therapist will probably give me the advice of me being selfish. I am always worried about helping out other people, my friends, my coworkers and my family. I try to do what I can for other people and don't necessarily do the things that I want or should do for myself and for my Kai.

Peanut's Mama, I hope that you have a successful and healthy journey. Please keep in touch. I would like to know how you are doing and if things are working out for you.