Inspired by those of you, who have shared your deepest, most personal stories here ... I thought, I might benefit from writing about my teenage son, Daniel.

He turned 16 in January, but the trouble actually started the last year of my marriage. I blame myself, in many ways, for a lot of the problems my son is having. I was caught up in my own personal dilemma during that last year, trying to figure out what I should do, and how to make it happen. My ex husband exposed my oldest son to some very ugly things, and if I had made some better choices - he might not have had the opportunity to do as much damage as he did.

After the divorce, Daniel began a pattern of slacking off in school. He would do very well on the assignments he actually turned in, but the teachers always complained that he had too many missing assignments. When I asked, he would say that he had turned everything in, and didn't know what they were talking about. When I met with my son, the teachers, counselors and vice principle (all in one room, to get to the bottom of it) - Daniel would say he might have lost a few papers, but would be more responsible in the future.

It's been three years now, and Daniel is not doing any better. He stopped going to school altogether about 6 weeks ago. I tried grounding him, taking away his computer, game systems, friends... but nothing helped. Just about Christmas time, he got mono - and then his girl friend of a year, broke up with him. He's been depressed every since. He cut himself on the wrists, and said he does not care if he lives or dies - because the future does not matter.

I considered addmitting him to a hospital, but I've been there - and they are really not a very good influence (in my opinion). After he promised he was not going to hurt himself any more, I was able to talk him into going to see a counselor. Out patient therapy is my 1st choice!

Yesterday, I got him signed up for independent studies - so he can, if he applies himself, catch up and eventually go back to his regular high school. The counselor and psychiatrist tell me, he exhibits signs of clinical depression, and have put him on Prozac.

I can remember being 16, it was hard - and I struggled at that age. You are not sure who you are, or who you want to be. You have all kinds of peer pressure, and your body is going thru major changes - all at the same time. People are pressuring you to decide what you want to do for the rest of your life (or at least it feels that way), and all you really want to do is hang out with your friends, stay up all night, and sleep all day!

I am at a loss. He talks to me a little, but not very much. He is usually a very sweet, mild mannered young man - but over the past 6 months, there are times when he loses his temper suddenly, and yells and slams things around. He burnt the carpet in the living room (said it was someone who came over with a friend, playing in the fireplace). He broke his bedroom door (said it was stuck, and he was just trying to get it to open). He broke his bedroom window (said he fell off the bed).

When my mother said, I would find out what it was like to be the parent of a teenager, when I had kids of my own... I did not think this is what it would be like. Daniel has even started smoking cigarettes, and he has asthma! So far, I have not seen any signs of drugs or alcohol. I did catch him and his ex girlfriend (before they broke up) in the shower one afternoon, when I came home from work a little early. He claimed they were not doing *anything*. I talked to him until he begged me to stop about teen pregnancy, STD's, and the emotional responsibility of ***.

I feel that, all I can do is keep him in counseling - and hope that will help him, and try to work on my parenting skills. I know, I make it too easy for him in a lot of ways. I've never been good with discipline. I talk to him, tell him of the dangers of this and that, and how important his education is - now more than ever. Beyond this, I am not sure what I *can* do.

I worry about my little one... He's 8 years old, and looking up to his big brother. How do I make sure he does not learn all the wrong things? Talking does not seem to be enough, and my ex does not help me at all.

That's the end of my novel. I'll take advice, if you have any... and prayers, etc are always appreciated. Thanks for reading...more than anything - and for those who understand what I'm going thru ... I feel for ya!

Boy oh Boy, Janet, your son sounds so much like my youngest. JJ started cutting himself last July, was mucho depressed. My ex discovered it, we talked it over and brought him to the psych emergency room. They didn't end up admitting him but came close. Instead he was enrolled in an intensive outpatient program, 4 to 5 hours every weekday after school; individual therapy and group. He's doing alot better now but who really knows what goes on inside the teenage brain.

He still goes to group therapy with a bunch of peers, I wonder if that's something your son would benefit from? He gets a lot out of it, not the least of which is knowing he's not the only one his age with these problems.

Anyway, if good wishes help, you both have all of mine.

Inni, I know. :hugme:

I at least have a good day or two with mine, sounds like those are few and far between for you. I have cigarette holes in carpets, broken doors, holes in walls, and even a hole punched in the concrete block of our fire place outside.

I too have been searching for the answer to their troubled souls, and finding little help. The experts are anything but! I'm no EXPERT! I just hope I don't mess them up too bad. Give them complexes, or worse. Keep in mind that when reading on, I am NOT trying to tell you what to do, or how to raise your son. I am just offering a piece of my life.

My good days seem to come after I listen. It's hard! I want to preach, I want to set them straight, I want to give them the answers, but I know I can't. This is the point where they have to take what I've given them and try. Like watching a toddler fall and skin their knees, I can't always catch them.

I try to listen, and bite my tounge. I try to say, "What do you think the solution is?" and I even go to them for advice now and then. I try to give more than one option. You can continue to hang out with so-and-so, you can confront them about what ever problem, you can be mad for ever, or you can never speak to them again. & I point out that I can't decide.

I know that my oldest has experimented with drugs and alcohol. I know that I did to. I listened. I said is that what you want to be doing at 40? I said I'm scared because things are different now, and the drugs are more powerful - made in basements - and dangerous. I told him about seeing a friend die from alcohol poisening, and one in a 3 month coma from taking a drug that was "laced". I sat at the computer with him and researched drugs that his friends had taken, or that he'd heard about. A good site for true effects of drugs is www.erowid.org/ (Check out the website first. They also tell you the "fun" side of the drugs, and "safe" doses, and you may or may not want the whole story available.)

He told many of his friends about it, and it has changed some minds. Many wont ever think about trying this drug or that one, because the risks are too high. One even stopped drugs all together. It's funny now the one who stopped is my other son's friend too.

Listening is HARD! Not catching them is HARDER! I hear things I don't want to. I watch them stumble in relationships, and watch them face pressure from friends, school, jobs, girls, and from me. I try not to add to all the pressure, I try to be a sounding board, knowing that they will make mistakes and fall and skin their knees.

I feel that I'll go insane sometimes! I want to run away and never come back some days! And I would not take all the money in the world to go through what they are - even if it means being young again.

I feel for you! I'll pray for you, your son, and mine. If you want to PM me, please do. I know what you are going through. I don't have answers, just suggestions and a lot of support and respect for anyone attempting to raise a teen in today's society!

It really is different than when we were kids. I mean I sure fell for nearly all the influences that were out there when I was young, but then I see how much more is out there for the kids of today. The harder drugs at younger ages, the sexual stuff that they are exposed to even in these so-called children's shows and that their peers are so much more widely experimenting and accepting of it all as a norm. And geez, what is it with all these kids cutting on themselves. I've heard enough from various members besides my own experience with it here that we could start a new forum for that alone.
Inni, same thing I've been told as I'll tell you. You are doing a wonderful job. You are taking on what is happening with him and looking for solutions.
I'll say some prayers for everyone going through this sort of thing, as I know you've been saying for us as well......here come those tears again......

quote:

Originally posted by Don:
[qb] You are doing a wonderful job. You are taking on what is happening with him and looking for solutions.
[/qb]

Don, I could not agree more!

inni,
I too know how you feel. The first year after our sepertion my 13 year old son's behavior went bad quick. He failed every class in 7th grade, started smoking, started hanging around very bad kids and started cutting him self. Mostly his upper forarms. I got a lot of help from the school. They knew I was a single dad and helped get him into counseling. There was a time I almost gave up. I wanted to send him to his mothers home but I knew he would never get better if I did that. Know matter how bad it got I always started and ended my talks with him with "I love you". Now he is almost 15 and doing much better. Passing all his classes, new freinds and no longer cutting him self. Raising teenagers is like hurricane season in Florida. You need to enjoy the time you have between the storms. but always be aware and prepared for the storms on the horizon. I guess what I am saying is just keep loving him, stay positive and you will weather the storm.

Binarian.. ty ! I think group therapy would be a benefit! He is at the beginning of recovery, and there are so many things I can think of to help him � if only he would embrace something.

OnMyFeet, ty for the advice. I try to listen. He seems a lot more eager to tell me about the latest video game, than anything going on in his real life. I will try harder to listen, and be attentive � and maybe one day he will open up to me.

Don, I thank you for your prayers. We all go thru a great deal with our kids- and it�s not easy on any of us!

Johnlang68, I certainly agree with the hurricane season analogy! I will always love him, no doubt about that. I guess, I just hoped things between us would be better when he got to this stage. I tried so hard to keep our relationship open, and strong� but he turned 16 and something happened, beyond my control � it seems.

Thanks to all for your responses.

I also cringe thinking about the next few years. I'm lucky enough that she confides in me most things when I ask her about them. And she even comes to me asking my opinion about relationship stuff, but I also doubt it will always be like that. I fully expect that as she gets about your son's age that I won't be "in the loop" anymore. I will of course hope that I'm wrong, but I don't expect to be.
Here's proof. She has been honest with me only about most things up til now. I found a couple cigarettes in her drawer. So I was kidding her about her backpack after school, like I was about to rummage through it in front of her. She didn't want me to of course. I asked her why, is she afraid I'll find her love notes......no(yes this is the real reason why). Was she afraid I'd find her booze......LOL,no. Was she afraid I'd find her cigarettes......no. Well then where do you hide your cigarettes......I don't. Hmmm, so it currently goes unstated that I found cigarettes in her room, and currently have no confession that she has tried smoking, even though one of the three cigarettes I found is half gone.

I think we need to invent a chip, that we can embed that fully tracks their locations, conversations, and vital signs/blood content levels, and anything else we can squeeze in there.....

Hey Don, great idea! Could you let me know when the chip is invented. We also need to include a way to find hidden homework assignments.

quote:

Originally posted by Don:
[qb]
I think we need to invent a chip, that we can embed that fully tracks their locations, conversations, and vital signs/blood content levels, and anything else we can squeeze in there..... [/qb]

LOL!!!! Make them scan in when they get home. Cute!

I'm not sure how Daniel is going to do on this independent study program - so far, he does not seem to be doing much.... let's hope he's done something, by the time I get home from work today - or we are going to have a serious talk.

I never thought either of my boys would smoke. (There is of coarse, still hope for the 8 year old)... The fact that Daniel has decided to do it makes me just sick. I would think it would be a lot less attractive to kids now, but that does not seem to be the case. It still has that "rebel against authority" thing going for it.

I'm quite sure Daniel lies to me about various things.. and it does hurt me, because we were very close until not long ago.

I have always tried to inspire him to be open and honest, but for whatever reason - he has decided... I'm on a need to know basis - and I don't need to know.

I'm in on the chip thing - let me know when they come out!

Well... The independent study program was a flop! He didn't/wouldn't do the work - and didn't show up the ONE day a week. I called the counselors, and asked them if we had any other options. He started yesterday in a continuation high school. This is the last option before he simply drops out and has to go to Adult school on his own.

Yesterday, I called him for about 30 minutes ("wake up Daniel, time to get up Daniel" and he would not wake up. I finally got a spray bottle full of water and sprayed him. He had several choice words for that, but it did wake him up.

I had to sit there and talk to him so he would not just go back to sleep. I told him I would go in late to work, and would sit there no matter how long it took - to make sure he went to school.

I dropped him off about 7:45, just barely enough time to take my youngest to his school (across town).

Today, I had to get to work on time, so I woke Daniel up before I left with my youngest. He got up and said he would go to school, but when I called the school about 8:45 am - I find out he did not show up!

I left work about 9am and drove home. Sure enough, there he was still in bed. I threatened to sing the Henry the 8th song until he got ready. He got up and got ready.

I can't do this on a daily basis, so if he does not get it together soon - I'll have no choice but to let the chips fall where they may.

The counselor suggested family assistance, but I am an only child, both of my parents are passed, and my ex (Daniel's father) won't have anything to do with Daniel.

We are on our own, and it's gonna be up to Daniel to meet me half way. Is there anything more I can do that I have not thought of?

Inni,

My heart goes out to you. Praying for you and your son.

Just caught up with this. Were you able to look into the group therapy thing? As to family assistance, any cousins, aunts or uncles? Family doesn't have to mean just blood relations, either. Long time very good friends could work too.

Inni - Girlfriend
I am so sorry Daniel is giving you such a tough time.
What about going to the fire department, police station, military base. Somewhere where there are good strong male role models that perhaps would be willing to pitch in and help show Daniel the light of day or maybe swing by the house and use the bull horn to get him motivated.

What ever you can think of to try - try . My 16 year old nephew went into independent study last year then dropped out. He is going down hill fast to wards big trouble.

I so fear the teen years.

Hugs to you!

Inni....for some reason I just got into this thread..I know how ya feel girl!!! And my son Cody is only 12..but I am seeing some signs of improvement. I just hope it doesn't get as bad as it was last year and beginning of this yr. I don't know if u read my early thread or not, but I experienced cutting with Cody...he only did it once but had 26 cuts on his arm all at one time.

I put Cody in therapy and still sees his counselor once a month. He is in the 7th grade and has struggled with Math and Science all yr.

Times are different for our pre-teens and teens that's for sure. My mom said "I hope u pay for ur raising" with that kid....I never acted the way Cody has/and still acts at times.

I agree with Binarian, look for another adult ur son looks up to...doesnt have to be a family member. Last yr, Cody had a teacher at alternative school (Cody lived in alt. sch last yr). Anyway, this teacher took Cody under his wing...re-directed his anger and talked to Cody. Reassured Cody he wasn't a "bad" boy but that his behavior was "bad". This man was MY saving grace!!!! He would call Cody and mail him and myself good job letters and how proud he was of Cody. The man made me cry on many occasions.

Stay strong..chin up....like many have told me...U R A GOOD MOM....we will pray for y'all to get thru this.