I found out when my daughter was 3 months old that her father was MARRIED. when I first met him he told me he had 2 kids, but never mentioned the fact that his kids mother was also his WIFE. Many people would like to think that I was Naive, but I assure you. The signs were not there. Now that I'm aware I can go back and say ...Oh now i know why he did this, and that. But he was there for me in the beginning. He attended Dr. appointments etc. He attended the Baby Shower, He was in the delivery room, the Christianing. And not only did he attend, we were photographed at each of these events.

His family was not aware, and the way he kept me away from his family, was by telling me...His family was still very attached to his EX, and wanted nothing to do with his new realtionship. And although that hurt me, my thoughts were that...I can not make his family want to be apart of my life. And as long as I have him, they were not my concern.

Well when the Shit hit the fan, and everything unfolded. I found out that his family didn't even know that my child existed.

I now have a strong relationship with his mother, and 2 of his sisters. They've shared with me that his marriage is on the rocks, and was long before i came along, but he fears leaving his kids in the hands of an unfit mother.

NOW....my daughter is 8 months, and his WIFE is STILL NOT aware.

He and his immediate family has tried to convince me to stick with him until he can resolve his issues at home. His desire is to divorce on his own terms without his wife finding out about our child. For he knows that if she finds out...it would make thing worse for him.

Now here's my dliemma....when I first found out the truth, I decided to try to hang in there based soley on my feelings for him, and the bases of his shakey marriage. I strongly felt we could be together in the long run.

Now....I'm not so sure. He's been very inconsistent, with coming through for our daughter, he says he's coming to visit and never shows up. And I'm really hurt and bothered, because there are a lot of things i could have done, and a lot of actions i could have taken to blow up his spot. But i haven't done any of this. I have his home number, Icould have called his house, I could have filed for child support. I've done none of the above.

but now I don't know WHAT THE HELL TO DO.

Do I say something, do i leave,i just don't know.

I"M HURTING LIKE HELL!

Oh my Oh my...

I can't get rid of my baby's father. But your problem SUCKS!

I am so sorry that this has to happen to you... but I believe things like this make us a stronger person for ourselves and for our children.
I dont know what you would in the situation. All I can say is keep your head up high. And in all situations, because most are very similar even they might not sound like it, they are the same. If a guy does not drop EVERYTHING <not his children... but you know what i mean> and FULL heartily devote his life to you, he is not worth it. EVEN if he is the father of your child. Because if he was truely in love with you. He would have made different dicisions. And if he did it to his present, or previous wife.... WHAT makes you think he wont do it to you.
My boyfriend cheated on his girlfriend with me. The ONLY reason he broke up with her was because if i was pregnant< which deep down inside i know i was> I would NEVER have told him. That put a fire under his ass. Let me just say... the next day he broke up with his GF. I knew there were more then me. I sure there was... and still is. I KNEW when he lied. And he knew that.
ONly problem is i can't get him out of me and my soon to be childs life. But thats a long story why.

I say LEAVE HIM! He can be a part of your baby's life of course... but dont expect him to be something, that deep down inside you know, he is not.
You can't make someone a part of your life when they dont want to be.
AND if he can do it someone else... he can certainly do it to you. Cause once they do it once.. its easier that times after that.

GOOD LUCK! And God Bless!! Tell us what happens!!

O.K.-- I'm new here and this thread hasn't seen much action lately, but my blood got pumping on this one, so here's my two cents:

He made his choices. _He_ needs to take responsibility for the outcomes. When you wrote this post your baby was still young. You still loved him. Maybe you still do. That's o.k. The brutal fact of the matter is that this is no longer about what he wants, or even, perhaps, about what you want. This is about what is best for your child.

These are the questions that anyone in your situation needs to answer:

Are you financially capable of managing without child support? Are you willing to sacrifice more than you might otherwise have to in order to preserve his "options?" Even the minimum $25 a month (while a petty token) makes _me_ feel a bit better. If your baby's father is more solvent, then you need to examine whether that child support will provide your child with more opportunity-- summer camp, or an education at a private university. Moreover, you will find that there are an array of legal hassles that can only be resolved once you have custody and a support agreement. Since he was present at the birth I assume he is listed as the father on the birth certificate. In my state you cannot get public assistance unless you go after the father for support. Now, he may be giving you money on a regular basis, without a support agreement. Very nice of him. My advice to you in this case: talk to a lawyer. If you are not ready to do that then copy the checks before you cash them so you have a record of payments. Without a legal agreement he may be playing nice, but he isn't playing fair.

My next question is more spiritual:
How are you going to handle your child's curiosity about the father and his family? Will your child grow up surrounded by secrets and lies? Do you feel that your child and his/her half brothers/sisters have a right to know about each other? At what age? There is no way that your situation can be resolved nicely. EVERYONE is going to get hurt. You need to weigh the potential for short-term and long-term hurt and make the best decission you can for YOU and YOUR CHILD.

Your answers to these questions may be different than mine. The important point is that you have a responsibility to your child to ask them. He seems to be treading water, trying to sort out his own path. You cannot afford to wait for him. It can be very hard to be practical when you are in love with someone-- I think we all know that. However, one of the realities of parenthood is that we often have no choice but to be practical lest we risk the wellbeing of our child(ren).

Ok.. off the soapbox. Its just that this situation really gets me, mostly because I've had to do my own struggling to understand that I cannot be responsible for other people's happiness at the expense of my own-- particularily at the expense of my child.

I hope in the months that have passed you have found a path that has brought you and your child hapiness.

Good luck,
Alamama

quote:

Originally posted by trece:
[qb]I found out when my daughter was 3 months old that her father was MARRIED. when I first met him he told me he had 2 kids, but never mentioned the fact that his kids mother was also his WIFE. Many people would like to think that I was Naive, but I assure you. The signs were not there. Now that I'm aware I can go back and say ...Oh now i know why he did this, and that. But he was there for me in the beginning. He attended Dr. appointments etc. He attended the Baby Shower, He was in the delivery room, the Christianing. And not only did he attend, we were photographed at each of these events.

His family was not aware, and the way he kept me away from his family, was by telling me...His family was still very attached to his EX, and wanted nothing to do with his new realtionship. And although that hurt me, my thoughts were that...I can not make his family want to be apart of my life. And as long as I have him, they were not my concern.

Well when the **** hit the fan, and everything unfolded. I found out that his family didn't even know that my child existed.

I now have a strong relationship with his mother, and 2 of his sisters. They've shared with me that his marriage is on the rocks, and was long before i came along, but he fears leaving his kids in the hands of an unfit mother.

NOW....my daughter is 8 months, and his WIFE is STILL NOT aware.

He and his immediate family has tried to convince me to stick with him until he can resolve his issues at home. His desire is to divorce on his own terms without his wife finding out about our child. For he knows that if she finds out...it would make thing worse for him.

Now here's my dliemma....when I first found out the truth, I decided to try to hang in there based soley on my feelings for him, and the bases of his shakey marriage. I strongly felt we could be together in the long run.

Now....I'm not so sure. He's been very inconsistent, with coming through for our daughter, he says he's coming to visit and never shows up. And I'm really hurt and bothered, because there are a lot of things i could have done, and a lot of actions i could have taken to blow up his spot. But i haven't done any of this. I have his home number, Icould have called his house, I could have filed for child support. I've done none of the above.

but now I don't know WHAT THE HELL TO DO.

Do I say something, do i leave,i just don't know.

I"M HURTING LIKE HELL![/qb]

im a 19 yr old single mom.....my daughters dad was and still is married...it hurts so bad because i would have never had sex with him if i felt there was a chance i was going to get pregnant and be a single mom.....he is in her life...so far.....but its still hard because he send me mixed signals...like he wants to be with me and emily but he wont leave her......it hurts so bad ur not alone

quote:

Originally posted by trece:
[qb]I found out when my daughter was 3 months old that her father was MARRIED. when I first met him he told me he had 2 kids, but never mentioned the fact that his kids mother was also his WIFE. Many people would like to think that I was Naive, but I assure you. The signs were not there. Now that I'm aware I can go back and say ...Oh now i know why he did this, and that. But he was there for me in the beginning. He attended Dr. appointments etc. He attended the Baby Shower, He was in the delivery room, the Christianing. And not only did he attend, we were photographed at each of these events.

His family was not aware, and the way he kept me away from his family, was by telling me...His family was still very attached to his EX, and wanted nothing to do with his new realtionship. And although that hurt me, my thoughts were that...I can not make his family want to be apart of my life. And as long as I have him, they were not my concern.

Well when the **** hit the fan, and everything unfolded. I found out that his family didn't even know that my child existed.

I now have a strong relationship with his mother, and 2 of his sisters. They've shared with me that his marriage is on the rocks, and was long before i came along, but he fears leaving his kids in the hands of an unfit mother.

NOW....my daughter is 8 months, and his WIFE is STILL NOT aware.

He and his immediate family has tried to convince me to stick with him until he can resolve his issues at home. His desire is to divorce on his own terms without his wife finding out about our child. For he knows that if she finds out...it would make thing worse for him.

Now here's my dliemma....when I first found out the truth, I decided to try to hang in there based soley on my feelings for him, and the bases of his shakey marriage. I strongly felt we could be together in the long run.

Now....I'm not so sure. He's been very inconsistent, with coming through for our daughter, he says he's coming to visit and never shows up. And I'm really hurt and bothered, because there are a lot of things i could have done, and a lot of actions i could have taken to blow up his spot. But i haven't done any of this. I have his home number, Icould have called his house, I could have filed for child support. I've done none of the above.

but now I don't know WHAT THE HELL TO DO.

Do I say something, do i leave,i just don't know.

I"M HURTING LIKE HELL![/qb]

Trece,
I feel you, my situation is similar to yours. I'm pregnant by a man who is married. When i was sleeping with him, I too believed that she was just an ex - but no, she's married to him. He tells me things are bad between them & still wants to continue seeing me & it will feel good for awhile & then it hurts really bad. He's having his cake & eating too. basically he wants me there 100% while he's going through this & in the meantime, I only get 50% of him. I'm trying to be strong & not see him but feel I need to see him due to carrying his baby & I don't think he will tell her about it either! I do have his home phone # & could call & break the news to her, but I won't - I'll keep my cool ~ because I've already been down that path & it doesn't make one feel any better. . . or does it?? I don't know, but I do know the feelings **** .

Trece,
Since your post was SO long ago, I am not even sure if you still check in reguarly. I have VERY similiar situation..except I found out after I was pregnant that the Ex had lied to me about when his divorce was final..and that he wanted to go back to his ex wife, leaving me pregnant with our son.
I would like to talk to you some more, but dont want to go into everything unless I know you will see this...get ahold of me on a private message, or a post. When my dad found out about the Ex and I, he knew that he was married. ( Stupid me, I even knew he was married when we started seeing eachother) Somehow I knew that "we" would be different from everyone else, despite the circumstances we started our relationship under..we would turn out great. Well, two years after starting this relationship..defending the ex whenever anyone tried to tell me anything bad about him...he is back with his ex wife, and I have our son alone. My advice to ANYONE that is in any kind of situation, is exactley what my dad tried telling me from day one. " IF THEY WILL DO IT WITH YOU, THEY WILL DO IT TO YOU".