Hi, My name is Sarah. This is my first post on Single Family Voices and im kind of at the end of my rope here. Ive been struggling with depression for most of my life. And now i find myself dealing with it in a major way only its getting harder because of the two little boys I have running amok in my home. Their father and I seperated last year.
They have been acting out like crazy . . . and it doesnt help that when im depressed i tend to sit on the couch and sometimes fall asleep. We ended up having to put special locks on the bathroom and my bedroom and their closet doors because they had taken to going in and wrecking things. Clogging the sinks and toilets and trashing my room. And then We had to get rid of most of the knives cause my four year old was giving his younger brother knives and telling him to cut himself. I cant help but wonder . . . because i have a problem with self injury, if its because theyve seen my scars. So i saved some knives in a lock box in my room well hidden and one for kitchen cooking very very well hidden in the kitchen. When i fall asleep on the couch they climb up on the counter tops and take out all sorts of things like cookies and sweets so i made new rules and threw away all sweets in the house, cookies, cakes. So they started doing it with the healthy food and the condiments. Squirting juice and ketchup and mustard in piles on the floor mixed with pretzels. Im so depressed i dont know how to stay awake. So i just lay there while they play with the gate up and when i wake up everything is trashed. And i feel like i want to die. Cause i know its my fault.

I was in treatment at the end of january for depression and suicidal thoughts and drinking. And when i got out and tried to go back to work i worked two days before i got stuck back in my house crying after i sent them to school. So i quit my job and realized i tried to go back to work toosoon. But i dont just want to sit around and let the state pay for us to live ( not that they would give us much anyway ). I just dont know what to do. Sometimes i consider adoption cause i think they arent safe with me. Not after all the little accidents where they cut themselves and ..... im at the end of my rope yet again. And desperately searching for some kind of answer. This apartment swallows me and i despair on the weekends as we sit here . . .and i dont know what to do with them anymore.

Sorry this post was so long . . . I just dont know anymore.
I wrote this for them or about them.

How can i pretend to know the safest way to build a mind?
When little hearts begin to grow and little lives rely on mine.
How can a person hope to nurture every dream she hopes to make?
Where every goal is for her future and every compromise mistake.
Two little lives, more percious than mine and two little minds that need to explore.
All a mother can do is give them her time and love them and show them the way to reach more.

The hardest challenge a person can conquer is raising a child who knows how to thrive.
and the hardest part is not really knowing how many lessons will truly survive.


Silver Sarah

quote:

Originally posted by SilverDawn:
.....All a mother can do is give them her time and love them and show them the way to reach more.....
Silver Sarah

Sarah, First of Welcome to SFV...or the "Nuthouse" as I like to call it...so, you're in the right place.

There are so many stories here...I think it will very much surprise you.

I wont' pretend to know what you're going through, so with that in mind let me tell you what I do know.

I know that you were given those kid for a reason.
- that your life means more than you will ever know.
- that those kids as awful as they seem, need you more than anyone else they will ever meet.
- that you can do more that you believe you can, cause that's how "mothers' are made...that why us men are not mothers.
- that you are MUCH BETTER than you see yourself or you wouldnt be here asking for help.

If you think, you have to put them up for adoption, then you do that...but the best thing you can do for your kids if you are REALLY thinking of them, is to work on fixing YOURSELF. Your children do what you do, not what you say...and they are young enough to change the road they are on, but in order to do that YOU have to do that. SO DO IT.

Get help, get counseling...CHANGE the way you think, change the way you act....DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO...to change yourself for your children.

I was VERY depressed in my early and teen years...suicidal as well...I had girlfriends actually break up with me, cause of this problem. Most of the people on this site, that KNOW me...do NOT KNOW THIS...and if they are reading this for the first time...they will not believe...cause thats NOT who I am now.

I got married, I had children, I changed for them...and because of that...I always say they saved my life.

Do what ever you have to do...but DO IT....and start right now.

We ARE VERY glad you came here....we will ALL be here as much as possible to do what we can.

Hang in there....let's start changing the future. K?

Sarah, welcome to the site. You came to the right place and there are lots of good people here who want to, and can, help. First off you need to know that you are not alone - lots of us, inclucing myself, have similar stories. I have struggled with depression and the negative effects it has had on my life for many years. I share custody of my 2 boys - 3 & 6 - and have been single about 10 months now. I used to have many days when I would drop my oldest at school, then go home and put a video in for my youngest and just climb back into bed because I was depressed and didn't want to face the day or deal with anything. Would feel guilty and think about the trouble he could get into if I wasn't watching, but would still do it. I haven't had them act out or get into things like yours have - it sounds like they are just craving attention. For me things have gotten better with time. I have realized that I am better off now than I was in my marriage and have started to embrace my new life. I have managed to reach out more to family and friends (never realized how many I really had) for support. It is still very difficult, and I still have occassional bad days (like last Friday which would've been my 7th anniversary), but they are much easier to get through. People tell me how much happier I seem now and that I am much more enjoyable to be around. Are you staying with the depression treatment or meds ? You can get through this and be the mother that you want to be, but it will take a lot of effort and dedication on your part. I love what you wrote for and about them at the end of your post, and can tell how much you love them.

'I got married, I had children, I changed for them...and because of that...I always say they saved my life.'

From one Paul to another I can definitely say that this is so true for me also.

Silver Sarah,

Wow. I felt your emotion through your post, sweetie. The first thing I can see is that you love your children. If you didn't care, you would not have reached out. While I know you may feel adoption is best for them at the moment, please don't make that decision without a rational mind. I think you'll regret it. I've been through depression and chemical dependency. They are two hard things to break and together they are deadly. This is something you aren't going to cure overnight and will have to chip away at very slowly. It's up to you to decide what one small thing you are going to change first. Try not to think of all of your problems as a whole, rather think of them as one problem at a time. For instance, wake up tomorrow and make the decision that you will stay awake all day and interract with your kids. Go outside with a ball for an hour, color together or watch a movie as a family. Whatever it is you can conjur the strength to do is going to be better than what you did yesterday. Is there a bill that is very past due? Make a goal to pay it off. Don't worry about fixing anything else, until you've fixed that. Then take on your next challenge. Diet can help you also. A carbohydrate rich diet helps produce serotonin, which is the chemical that makes you feel good. Vitamin B, Zinc and iron also help. Believe it or not, getting enough water in the day helps as well. Most importantly, stop the drinking. This only ads fuel to the fire. If you need support in that area, my downstairs neighbor is a recovering alcoholic/heroin addict. She's been an AA Sponsor for many years and is an outstanding woman. I'm sure she would be happy to support you anonomyously via email if you wish. It may be easier than walking into an AA meeting full of strangers. You should of course continue any medication or therapy you may currently have as well. I've slept and let my child run wild as well. We know that isn't safe, but try not to feel guilt about what you did in the past, just do what you can to improve what you do in the future. I'm not an expert, but i've been through it and worked myself out of it. It's a long road, but you have to continue moving forward...always. I hope at least something I said will help you take that first step.

Hi Sarah, Welcome to SFV

It sounds like you are in crisis right now and I have to admit I am concerned for your kids. I know that here in Minnesota they have something called crisis nursery, that if you are in this kind of position, you can take your kids there for a while til you get better. You need help, Sarah. And it may be necessary to have someone take care of your kids for a while til you get the help you need. I hope for your sake and that of your kids you call your local social services and be honest about how you are feeling and get well. I'll be praying for you.

Let me also just say that I am a person who has suffered from anxiety and depression since my teen years. There is nothing wrong with seeing a therapist and there is nothing wrong with taking medications. I set my pride aside to get help for myself so that I can be the mother I need to be.