I found out my girlfriend was pregnant when I was fifteen. I was broken up with my long term girlfriend, and this one was basically just a short relationship to make my ex jealous. Besides the fact that I was really depressed around that time, and into drugs occasionally, all that. My girlfriend, Sarah, acted as though she wanted the baby. But I just became more screwed up. For about seven months of her pregnancy, I just wanted her to go away. I wanted to get back with the love of my life, Jen, and be done with her. But at around Month Seven, I realized that this was NOT going to go away. I needed to a father.

My parents refused to talk to me when they found out. My dad had been abusive all my life, mostly to my mom...but when he found out that Sarah was pregnant, he had an excuse to take out his anger on me. I became the Human Punching Bag. I got cleaned up anyway, and started hating my parents. I hated my dad for the obvious, and my mom for not doing anything to stop him. All my life she had just let him do whatever he wanted to our family, and I was sick of it.

I realized I didn't want to become my dad. Amaya Jade was born on August 19, 2002. She was a month premature. Sarah even acted happy, suggesting the name "Amaya" and everything...but a month after our daughter's birth, she came over my house with Amaya, handed her to me, and said, "She's all yours now. Do whatever you want with her, but I'm giving up my rights. I don't want her." I was crushed, but I knew I had to be a father to her. So I accepted full custody of Amaya.

Jen and I kept dating off and on. She got pregnant with another guy's kid and had a son only a few months after Amaya was born. I lost basically all my friends because I had to stay home all the time. I eventually dropped out of school, when I was sixteen, so I could work more and be around Amaya more.

I still hated my home, and I still was depressed off and on. It got really bad when Amaya was about five or six months old. Everything seemed to be closing in on me. I even tried to kill myself a few times, but I always chickened out or someone found me and took me to a hospital. I figured out that Amaya needed me, and even if everybody else hated me, I had to stay alive for her.

Lately I've been doing better...Jen is harrassing me, though, and my parents are as bad as ever, but I don't let it bother me. I'm probably at my highest point right now. I've stopped dating Jen (I don't know how long that will last) because we always fight, and it's not good for her son Todd or for Amaya. That's why she's harrassing me. I figured out that if you have a kid, that's a reason to live itself. The majority of my life sucks, but when I hold Amaya or see her smile or hear her calling me, everything's better. For anyone who's depressed and who has one or more kids, I suggest you consider this post.

Hello Problematicone;

First and foremost...YOU HAVE INCREDIBLE STRENGTH!!! to pull through some of life's most difficult challenges...most people in the same situation would have crumbled up and died. My story is similar and i can tell you that dealing with depression is extremely exhausting...I congratulate you in how you've handled things thus far and wish more dad's would follow suit...unfortunaltely, the people or persons you surround yourself with will make or break you...the ex (Jen) forget her, your family...forget them...do this all on your own and continue to turn to strangers for your strength and support...strangers don't usually judge you and they certainly won't use you as a punching bag...my mom used me and my son as a punching bag and i had to cut her and the rest of my family completely out of my life in order to regain some sort of self esteem as tattered as it is now...i still have absolutely NO INTENTIONS of communicating with them. They are poison for me...very toxic to mine and my son's well being...you WILL make new friends and maybe you only need one or two close friends that are NON-JUDGEMENTAL to talk to...i say talk..do lots of it..i don't know if you've gone through any therapy...but if you can talk about the stuff you're going through, it helps so so so much...
Please let me know how things continue to progress in your life...your daughter will be the apple of your eye with many rewarding moments in your future.
Keep Well

You've been through a lot in a very short time. You sound like a strong, decent guy and I'm glad you realize your daughter gives you a very good reason to keep on living.

I think you're gonna make a great father. You've been at it for a little while now, the rewards just keep getting better. Good job. You can only continue to go up from here.

I wish I could just leave this house and my parents, but unfortunately I have no choice but to stay here. I would just live in my car, but that's impossible to do with Amaya. I've thought of every way possible that I could get out of here, and there is none. I usually get kicked out and then drift back in a couple of days. I do have one friend who's been my best friend forever, and even when I lost all the others she stayed by me. Amaya already is the apple of my eye and every day is a beautiful moment with her. I also cannot forget Jen, I still love her despite how awful she sounds. She was my first love and I believe the only person for me, although I'm trying to put that behind me. I just really want and need a motherly figure in Amaya's life. I can't be a single dad forever.

You'll make it out of there with Amaya. Hang in there and keep at it.

But a little word of advice. Don't be with someone just because you feel like your daughter needs a mother. Wait, because if you're as special as you come across to me, you'll find someone who is really worth your time and attention and who will love and accept you and your little girl as much as you both deserve.

ProblematicOne:
I'm very sorry to hear about your situation. I can empathize with your situation. I am getting ready to be a single mother in 8 weeks. This is something that was definitely not planned, and the father was an x of mine. I give you major props though, because you are very young and taking on some major responsibilities. I know that this may not have been the way you planned things, but the way I get through each day is by realizing that God allows things to happen for a reason. I was like you, before I got pregnant, I was living it up. I had lots of friends, and spent many nights out partying. It has become very lonely for me, because my friends are all out each night, as is the soon-to-be father. I am doing this all by myself, and I'm almost positive that I will be parenting by myself, but I have learned to start each day off with prayer. I pray for the emotional and physical strength and patience to get through it all. I believed in God before, but I've learned to have a lot more faith recently. Everything will work out for you, I promise. That little girl is incredibly lucky to have you. And prepare yourself now, because there will probably come a day when Sarah wants to be a part of her life again. From the sound of things, she is very young too. I'm 23, and the father-to-be of my baby is 31, and we are both scared. She's scared, like you once were. But, someday, she may grow up and want to come around again, until then, you need to stay positive, and look for a good support system. If not your parents, then try going to church. Your little girl could benefit from interacting with other kids her age. Hang in there, I'll be praying for you.

A year ago if I thought that Sarah would want to come back in Amaya's life, I would have been thrilled. The first couple of months, when Sarah first left, were the hardest. But now I'm really confused...I don't want her back. Amaya and I both deserve better than her. Also, supposedly she has a new boyfriend and is off to college a year early on a basketball scholorship and perfectly happy...when one of my exes called to spite me, and when my ex asked about Amaya, Sarah said, "Who?" ALSO, supposedly she's telling her friends I raped her so I should get stuck with Amaya anyway (something I did not do, I didn't rape her). I think if Sarah tried to mend her ways I wouldn't want her to at first. It might be childish of me, but it's how I feel.

I don't think it's wrong to feel that way. She doesn't deserve you to give her another chance, however, my point was that someday she will probably realize that she wants to see her daughter. This may not be something that you want then either. It doesn't seem fair that parents are allowed to "help create a child," and then disappear and reappear whenever they "feel like it." I'm not exactly sure how I plan to deal with it, because I'm pretty positive that the father of my coming baby will be an "on again, off again parent," but I do know that God will provide for both my daughter and myself regardless of the role he plays. I believe that everything will work out. It's not what happens to you that makes you a miserable person, it's how you choose to deal with what happens to you that can make you a miserable person.

Hey, i just wanted to tell you that you renewed a bit of my faith today. I'm 23, single mom with a disappearing/reappearing drunk father to my baby and there's been times that i wish i could just disappear and live life like he does. I never would but i feel like it sometimes just cause i resent him. But i love my baby girl. Reading your post inspired me because 1) you're a man thats actually stepping up to the plate, nice to know that exists...2) you're so young and if u can do it, so can i... and 3) i also was abused, suicidal, and depressed at one point in my adolescence, and it's tough and im sure ten times tougher with a baby. you sound a lot like me though, in that you're determined to give your daughter a better father than you had and that's awesome. For me, thats the only way i can make what happened to me better, by changing the abuse cycle with my daughter. Keep your head up and please no matter what, don't ever kill yourself. You're all Amaya has and she needs you. When i think about the times that i tried to kill myself, i thank God that i lived to see the day when i would have a beautiful daughter. But at the time, i felt like there would never be anything worth living for. How glad i am that i was wrong, and that i was not successful. the thing that i've learned that always sticks out in my head is that life is all about seasons and cycles. it will never be bad forever, because the nature of life is that it constantly changes. So when your in a bad time, you just have to plant your feet firmly and hold on, knowing with absolute faith that better times will come. And then it may get bad again. But remember, it always changes. The thing about suicide is that when you kill yourself, you'll never know that a better day was right around the corner, if you had just held on. I know this to be absolutely true. God Bless You and stay strong!

I agree w/ the other posters. You're doing a terrific job as a dad. Amaya is lucky to have a dad that cares about her as much as you do. As for having to live w/ your family, there are places that might can help you out such as a housing program. You should contact family services. Good luck!

You have been through so much in such a short time but you have pulled through great! I can relate to looking at your child and wanting to live. I've been through depression and wanted so bad to just end everything and then I picture my son and I didn't go through with it. He has grandma that would raise him but he would miss me so much so I have to keep going from him. Depression is a tuff thing to deal with but amazingly euff the little guys keep pulling you out. It amamzing what kids are able to do with out even trying.

Things will get better from now on. Keep that high going for your child and for yourself as well. I went to a therapist and that helped so much. I realzed a lot of things about myself and that still helps me when I get down.

Good luck to you on raising your baby and keeping your self on track. You doing a great job now keep it up

brokenhalo