Okay, so I had decided to get a new counselor for Blair. When I told the current counselor, she begged me to come in and get the results of our evaluation that we had a couple weeks ago with the "big-wigs." So I went in last night after work to see her and get the results. What she had to say to me was not what I wanted to hear and now I am not quite sure how to deal with the news. She said that there is an obvious distance between Blair and me. Blair attaches easily to strangers because he is not getting what he needs from me. Since I left him for a long time when he was little, we never got to bond like most moms. I also have issues bonding with him b/c he looks and acts like his dad who I hate. She said that most of Blair's behavior problems can be boiled down to him needing attention so desperately he acts out to get it. I feel terrible, I know I should pay more attention to him, but its hard, especially after work. I am tired, and I have to figgure out what to make for dinner, then get him bathed and in bed by 7, or he gets cranky and acts out more. I tend to be short with him, really only speaking to him (on weekdays anyway) when I am yelling at him for being bad. The counselor said she thought I was heading into another depressive episode, but when she read the list of traits for a depressive episode, only 2 applied to me. I told her I thought it was more anxiety than depression, as I do not feel overwhelmed by my feelings, or particularly sad. Agitated and irritated are better ways to explain my moods. She said the best way to "fix" Blair is for me to go into counseling. I am frustrated b/c I started the whole counseling to help Blair, but all the counselor wants to talk about is ME! Yes, I am aware that I have some issues, but if I took all the time it will take to fix me, Blair will be grown and hate my already by the time I am done. I know that I didn't bond with Blair when he was a baby, but does that automatically mean that I can't be a good mom? I work my butt off to make sure Blair has everything he needs, and I hug and kiss him as much as I can, but the bond just isn't there. Will Blair end up damaged if there is no bond? Is there really no hope in raising him right b/c of decisions I made years ago? I always thought if I worked hard enough I could "make up" for leaving him when he was a baby, but that counselor just basically made me feel like all the work in the world will never solve the problem of us never bonding. I am so bummed and not quite sure how to handle this news. Any advice?

Sera,

Keep Blair in counseling. Put you in counseling too. You cannot just fix Blair and ignore your issues. You cannot change the past, but must not repeat it. The counselor is right that you need to find a way to interact and bond with him, and how can you do that when you only have Blair to vent out at? You need to have a sounding board and a check point that can document and keep you on track. I think your counselor sounds pretty spot on. I don't know about the bonding when young peice though, b/c I don't really think that you have to be in a child's life during those times for them to bond with you later. I think a child can bond at any stage in life with people.

Hi Sera
Let me start by saying that I do feel for you. It is a tough thing you are going through. This may sound harsh please please do not take it that way.
It sounds like a lot of Blairs problems stems from your actions. If this is so helping your actions will help Blair. In other words if you start counseling and start to change your actions and reactions he will start to change his. You are the adult and you have to do it first. Blair is just acting on what he has learned so far, so start teaching him another way. The best way for you to start changing yours is to go to the counseling. You will never be perfect, none of us are, but you will change faster than you think and so will he.
I have had Foster kids come into my home and be totally at bay. Within 2-4 weeks most of them start to open up and become a part of the family. I still have contact with every foster child that has been in my home and a good relationship. I am not bragging but trying to show how in just a short time kids can change. They are very resilient.
You can do this. It just has to start with you which is the hardest part.
Lots of prayers for you.

if i were in your situation i would go to therapy. it isn't about fixing yourself, because you aren't broken. i go to therapy to help me sort things out, to give me a safe place to rant about all of my frustrations and look honestly at what is going on inside my head, and to figure out what i can do about it. by setting time aside each week to deal with all this, i free up the rest of my time. i find it really helpful. goodluck.

Dear Seraphin, I hope I can help you and Blair in some way. All I can tell you is please try not to think of him as your ex's son. He is your son and will be what you help him become. I don't know how involved your ex is in his life, but, man, all our poor kids would really be in trouble if we looked at them and thought that they are here b/c of our exes. Try not to even think of him that way. As far as bonding, I think that if you have the mothering instinct, which I'm sure you do b\c otherwise you wouldn't be concerned, things will fall into place. One thing I always have tried to remind myself of is that these kids did not ask for what happened between us and their other parent, it's not their fault. No matter what, we can't make them feel like they are responsible. I know it's hard but you can do it! Hang in there, and just love your son, it will get better!