I mean, seeing any point to it?

My depression has me. I've been down for a couple weeks now, but the last 24 hours are worse then usual. It gets like this from time to time.

When I get this way, I have a really hard time seeing any point to life. I consider myself an intelligent person. I went to good schools, got a good edjamaction.

Maybe I think too much. I don't know. I don't see a purpose to my life, other then caring for my child.

I guess thats my purpose.

This all started when I got divorced 7 years ago. When my wife split, I thought "Thats it, my life is over"

It got worse 2 years later when she died. I remember thinking "F%^k it, there's no point in living anymore "(other then my daughter).

And it got still worse 2 years ago when my brother died. Life is a futile endevure (sp)because we all die and everyone leaves us at some point.

I have been on meds for most of the last 7 years. The Wellbutrin I'm on now is about the best. It keeps the hopelessness at bay most of the time. I guess I should go up on the stuff, but I hate taking meds to begin with.

Its not like I have it bad; I have a good job, make decent money, am healthy, have a good kid and home. So I feel guilty for being this way.

But I swear, there are times I would just like to check out. The futility and pointlessness of life is just too much for me sometimes.

And I can't even think about being with a woman again. I've tried dating and I can't get close to a woman. And that just depresses me more.

I guess the best thing to do is find some cause to work for, some charity. Maybe working with the needy will make me happy, convince me how good things are. I don't know. If I had the time, I guess.

I'm just rambling, need to vent.

Curious if other felt this way.

I'm lucky enough not to know what depression is, but these last weeks I have been on the verge of crying almost constantly. Too much pressure at work, too much being alone...I don't know. Thye only reason I don't actually cry all evening and the whole weekend, is Ian's presence.
Today I was invited to a party..can't remember being invited to one in the last..10 years actually. OK, there was probably 1 or 2, but not more. I did not want to go, but in the end I made that dessert I promised to bring, and told Ian we would go. And after that he was so excited there was no way back.
Well, for a few hours I actually did not think about myself, I met some new, interesting people, and Ian had a great time, it was his first adult party of course, and there were a few kids. They played outside even after it was night, they had so much fun.
I agree, it's not better now, but maybe there is something there to look forward to..something at the end of the tunnel.

Hi Amy, thanks for replying.

I can appreciate what you have been thru, except the rape. Although I was molested as a boy by one of my brother's friends. that didn't resurface until I was an adult. Funny how we can do that.

I have thought about suicide since I was a teen. You're right, it is an escape. And I'm really good at avoiding pain and struggle, so that makes suicide so appealing.

But I know what you're talking about, hurting others. I could NEVER do that to my daughter. She has already lost her mother. I know I'm not a great dad, but I'm her dad and she deserves to have me around.

I think in a lot of ways I am a selfish pr1ck. I am so focused on myself. Thats why I mentioned getting involved with a charity of cause; give my life some meaning and purpose, get out of myself, and realize how good I have it compared to others.

I am under th care of a psych dr and am in therapy. I have been in therapy most years since I was 18. Only started the meds after the divorce. Thing is about them; you develope a tolerance to them and the depression starts seeping in again.

I find exercise extremely helpful. I work out 6 times a week. I ama cyclist. I got out on my bike Tuesday and it felt like heaven. Can't wait to be riding regularly again.

God bless endorphines. Nature's morphine; you can't beat it!

The shrinks help only so much. I keep expecting someone to give me the answers; tell me how to be happy, tell me how to like myself. But they all tell me I gotta do that for myself. I've been trying for 25 years.

So again; I think it comes down to throwing myself into something. After the gym today I cleaned my porch, garage, stairway & foyer and felt much better.

Tomorrow's another day. Might as well make the most of it.

Hi Dew,

Sorry to hear about your crying jag. Every once in a while I have a good cry and get it all out.

It's very hard being the only one, having it all be on your shoulders.

Being alone is hard. I tend to isolate, and when I do that I am in BAD company!!!

I was suppossed to be at a party tonight. A friend has an annual pot luck pary. I have been going for 6 years. But over the years I have grown less fond of him so I blew it off tonight.

That was a dumb choice. I could have been with my other friends there. They would have made me feel better.

But I think my depression does that to me sometimes. It keeps me isolated. When I'm alone, I'm at the mercy of my depression. When I'm with others I get out of myself.

My daughter is about to turn 14, so she doesn't require much attention. So she doesn't pull me out of my malaise. Sometimes she see's me when I'm down or mad. I hate that.

I know it is hard with such a young child, but maybe, like I said, you can get with others, you will be better off. A little escape from the raw reality of being a single working parent.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I have friends that were like us; working parents on our own, no spouse or ex to help out even. But they made it. There children grew up and turned out ok and now they have their lives back.

And like Amy sez; exercise works wonders. A good workout, get all sweaty, get your pulse rate up, out of breathe. You'll feel wonderful.

Hang in there.

Jon and Amy,

thanks.

Actually, Ian is more help than work regarding this state of mind of mine.
But what I worry about is ..How will he turn out with a mother like me. I know I am not a terrible mother, but the way I am so completely unsociable, and we see so few people, and except in times like these, I love it like this. But these days I can't be by myself without wanting to cry...but I never do (cry). It's just another pressure inside myself.

Dew,

I would think Ian will be ok if you are a loving, attentive, nurturing mother. My mother wasn't a social butterfly. But then again, here I am dealing with depression. Scratch that, bad example.

No, seriously, I don't think she messed me up, although depression runs through our family, as does chemical dependence.

But what I first wrote applies to you; just be a good mom, be there for him. As long as you are not neglecting or abusing him, I think he will be ok. Does he go to day care? He will get lots of social interaction there.

Amy,

I see the psych dr. every other month. he has suggested going up on the meds but I have resisted. Again, the whole notion of taking them being a "bad" thing is ingrained in me. Sad, huh?

I am doing alot better today. Spent the day at my mother's house with my brother burning deadfall (4 hours) then a good hard workout at the gym. Made a new dish for dinner and it went over well with my daughter. I think when I am working hard and preoccupied my negative thoughts are at bay.

I think I think my way into depressions a lot of time. Thats what a couple shrinks have told me. I have very negative deep rooted convictions about myself and life that I repeat to myself over and over. I do it more when not distracted.

If I am in a bad spot again like I was Saturday afternoon I will contact you. Thank you. It is nice to know someone out there understands and is willing to listen to my rants.

Same goes for you. Feel free to send me a private message if you need to.

YTonight I am exhausted and really looking forward to just going to bed!

So yesterday I promised myself not to stay home, and we took our bicycles to see a couple we hadn't visited in at least 6 months...to find that they had a fight inbetween them. So I just took the kids' clothes I was supposed to pick up and went to see the guy who invited me the other day for the party...to pick up the plate I left..and they weren't home (him and his 2 daughters)..so it's like, you don't go and see people for years, and when you finally decide it's time to do it, they're not home...
And this morning I decided to ride my bike into work, but there is wind speeds up to 60mph and no, I am not going to do this .

Hey,

Language filter's on? That's probably a good thing...I hope the word list isn't overly restrictive though. Let's see...****!

I've been watching some of this, but really busy and not responding. I wanted to comment on this thread, particularly how "just reaching out and posting is a major effort towards getting yourself together." You know, there's another way in which your reaching out and posting is meaningful bikejon...for every person like you, there's probably 100 people who feel like you who *aren't* reaching out and posting. It probably means a lot to them when they read how you feel, and know they're aren't alone. It's strange, but you can find a point to life just by being yourself and talking about it.

Later,
Bobby

Edited to Add - Alright, I'm happy that the language filter's back in some form, but do we necessarily have to go back to the days when krap was a censored word? Can we at least discuss it a bit?

Hi Amy,

No, no one in the 20-odd years of therapy with different shrinks and docs has diagnosed me!!!

Its always been on me, the way I think, the thoughts, feelings, convictions I have about myself and the world.

Useless bunch of a-holes. No wonder my parents were always against me going. THey told me they wouldn't do any good.

In a way they have. They've convinced me that I'm really not as bad as I think I am (meaning I think I'm a useless peice of unlovable ****).

My depression comes in waves and I've told ALL of them this. Sometimes I'm fine. Sometimes I'm feeling really good. At the low points, I want to kill myself.

Yeah, I do feel bad about myself because I can't shake this. I can't pick myself up by my boot straps and shake it off.

Dew,

Amy is right. Making the effort is very important! You are doing the right thing! Don't get discouraged, either with the reaching out OR the biking! Some days you will be successful, some not. That's how life goes for everyone!

Bobby:

Thank you. I agree. When I was a teen, I thought I was the only person in the world that felt the way I did. Then I got into a group therapy and found all these people who had the same feelings! It was amazing! I didn't feel like like such an alien freak.

Its weird. Before I started taking the wellbutrin I was like that. Didn't really need a trigger. It was just life in general. The fact that I'm a divorced lonely guy. I don't know why but these are the things that get me down the most:

No relationship with a woman; thats something I feel is just beyond me.

Unsatisfying job (even though it pays well and to a certain degree is enjoyable).

No accomplishments in life. I had high expectations for myself; I was suppossed to write a book or something, but I'm a nobody. I hate reading women's personals saying they want an accomplised man who has acheived his goals or loves life, etc etc.

Death; my brother's and my ex-wife's. Thats where the whole futility of it all comes from.

Before the drugs, it was just a constant downward spiral with short bursts of normality.

Now it is maybe a week or more per month where I am down. Its weird. Its hard to track. Sometimes I go up and down over the course of a day.

Now today I am just ok. Not up or down. Life is just ok. And this is fine if it would stay this way.

The only time I was ever REALLY depressed (like competely unable to function) was right after my ex and I split up. Zoloft got me through that.

Its weird that your doc would take you off the meds if you were doing good with them. After I picked up, I suggested that, and the doc was against it. Why come off if its working? he asked.

I tried doing that with the Zoloft a year after the divorce. A year without them and I was ready to slash my wrists.

Yesh, well that didn't work for me. I was doing good after the divorce. I came off the Zoloft, and about a year later I had to go back on because I was depressed again!

I came off again in 2004. By 2005 I went on the wellbutrin 'cause I was back to a hopeless stupor again.

I think I have had general low level depression since I was a teen. It comes and it goes. Sometimes its bad. Its much worse if I'm not on a med.

I refuse to live like that.

I'm just wacked!

Today and yesterday I've been doing fine. Not skippy around and signing, but OK. Who knows how long it'll last?

Its so weird. Guess I'll just go with it for now.

I'm enjoying my life now.

__________________
rox07
Addiction Treatment Florida --Find more options on addiction treatment Florida