I know I've mentioned in other posts my depression, but when I woke up this morning I realized I probably haven't ever admitted the true extent of it...at least not out loud to anyone. I was deployed to Afghanistan for 6 months...not a long time as compared to other branches of the service...but 6 months none the less. I spent those 6 months hating my husband, trying not to think about my kids, and watching kids...18, 19 20 year olds not come home...at least not the way they should have. My very first client...and I use that term loosely b/c these guys became our family more than anything else...knew that he wasn't going to make it home to his family and all I could do was try and get him to refocus on his job...he died two weeks later. How the heck do you explain to yourself that you did what you could. I saw/heard/smelled things no person should ever have to and definitely not these kids. I know there are parents on here this age, but they are kids over there and at almost 30 years old my mom instincts tended to kick in. I know people think the AF is the easy branch but for that time I was Army...I dressed, ate, slept, lived like them and they live like **** over there. How the **** can you survive for 16 months on one meal a day? They do. They never get the honor they deserve for what they do. Then there was my husband who thankfully since then I've divorced...the man made me miserable the entire time. Guilty for doing my job and not being able to be there for my kids. This coming from a man who spent 3 years of our last 4 year duty deployed. Don't judge me b/c I've had to leave one time in 9 years of service you stupid a$$. On top of that you can't think about your kids b/c then you can't do your job. You won't get on that helicopter or convoy if you're thinking about them b/c it only takes one mistake to not make it home. Then I finally get home and I have to deal with the ex and getting him out of my house...to this day his mail still comes here and he still has stuff here...well the stuff I have yet to take to good will. Then I meet a great guy and that turns to **** as previously discussed. Now I'm left sitting here feeling like ****. Did I do my job the best that I could? Will I ever not flinch at the sound of fireworks or a backfiring car? Will I be able to rife as a passenger in a car ever again without wanting to have a death grip on my seatbelt and praying we don't get stuck in traffic? Will I stop living with the fear of having to go again and leave my kids who my ex now says he won't take care of if I go so I'll have to take them to my parents? Will I ever feel safe enough with another person to actually fall in love with them again? Will I ever get my heart back in one piece? Will I ever be able to spend a weekend without my kids that doesn't involve staying in bed for three days crying b/c I can't to that when they're here? I see a therapist and take meds and do all the things I'm supposed to do, but there's only so much you can share with a person who wasn't there to see it all. They wouldn't understand and I don't expect them too. I'm just venting and now I'm going to go get ready for church and for my babies to come home.

I think when you experience something so profound you have the opportunity for the situation to positively or negatively affect your life. It gives you an insight many others around you do not or cannot comprehend.

The trick is to keep such experiences positive... to cherish, value, and fill your life instead of harboring over past events that you cannot change.

Flinching at sounds and being scared in traffic are things that kept you alive when you were over there. If you aren't subject to going back again... there are some therapies where you can desensitize your response to certain things.

OMG, My heart is pouring out to you right now. I can't say anything to take your pain away. I can only imagine that the compassion and humanity you brought with you while in service affected so many soldiers in a positive way. You will never know the depth of what you may have brought but you will always be in someone's memory in a positive way. Your children will grow up know their mom is a hero, a brave wonderful woman who risked everything to serve our country. I can't explain being single, I am there myself. I can't explain feeling empty, I do too. I can just hope that our lives have a bigger meaning then being in a miserable marriage but "married". As I attempt to value myself I hope you do the same. Maybe we will find that we don't require a significant other to feel complete but that we are intrinsically the best reason to be here. I suffer with depression as well and I certainly have good an bad days. I know how hard this is. YOU ARE IN MY PRAYERS!!!

I'm sorry you had to go though that.
As a Marine I do understand.
And I will pray for you.
Please tell me you are seeing a counslor? If not talk to me or anyone you do trust.
don't hold this in.

Semper Fi

Dawg

Thanks guys. I do have a therapist although she really doesn't understand b/c she's a civilian and I can't be seen on base b/c I work in the Mental Health clinic. There is so much irony in that statement. Amazingly I can sit all day and tell my patients what they need to do to get through their depression or symptoms they have when they return from deployment but I can't seem to do the same for myself. Everyday I hear myself telling them what they need to look for and what they can expect and at the same time I'm checking the list off mentally myself...loud noises-check, jumpy with new people-check, etc..etc..etc... I can't talk about that at work though b/c we're supposed to be above that, we're stronger than the average person. No one ever tells you that the things you do over there will change you forever...like holding a two week old baby who is now an orphan and wanting to take him home with you, or helping three little girls wash their hair for the first time ever really or my favorite watching the kids try gum for the first time...those are the good memories I try to keep in my mind. The others infiltrate from time to time and when they do it hurts. We all have challenges in life though and I'm not going to let this one get the best of me. Dawg thanks for being there, it means a lot. Not many marines are willing to talk about things like that at least not to Air Force people. I think the only marine I spoke to while deployed was hitting on me b/c he hadn't seen a female in 8 months. By the way the passage at the bottom of your signature is one of my favorite. I'm in the process of reading the entire bible, it's slow going but I'll get there.

I'm here for you and is any other Mil. guy on this forum (I think I'm safe in saying that).
I don't know if you can yet, but is there a VA hospital near you and can you go there to talk with someone?
As for reading the bible, take it one chapter at a time per day, thinking about what you have readed and ask God what it means and how you can use it to help yourself and others.
and if you ever get to Chicago, give me a call.
I buying.

Dawg

Sh!t, M3B, I just read this. I didn't know you were one of us, the truly screwed. Me too, me too, only my **** was SaudiArabia and Kuwait during Desert Storm. And I so get the whole "Stranger in a Strange Land" thing, you AF being with the Army. I was Navy with the Jarhead Corps. Ditto the whole loud noises, new people, one meal a day thing.

One of my things was I couldn't take going to a mall......'cause it's hard to watch all those people at once. I had to walk behind the wife and kids so I could cover them all at once. And if anyone got out of my sight I'd get super jumpy; I carried a side-arm in a shoulder rig over there and I'd be continually reaching for it....

YES, you did the best job you could, 'cause your that kind of person. The hardest thing about being in a support role like that (I was a medic), I feel, is knowing you do/did the best job you can....and sh!t STILL happens to people....and there's nothing you can do. I remember learning about one of our squads that was out on patrol that had come under artillary fire (turns out it may have been our own guys shooting at them). They were able to take cover, heard the rounds coming in, but still three were wounded, one rather seriously. It was like someone jerked the ground from under me. Some of MY GUYS got hurt, and I WASN'T THERE!!! And.....you have to make peace with that and move on the best you can.

Do use the VA system of mental health care, it helped me and it'll help you. Lean on us anytime you need to, it'll be a privilege to help.

Thanks guys! It always a little easier when others have experienced the same things. I am currently not able to use the VA system b/c I'm still active duty and will be for another 11 years or so. I would love to get out, but my son needs the medical coverage for his diabetes and they come first. I was terrified the past month b/c they told me they were sending me back to the same location and I'd be leaving on the 5th of July...but apparently I have an angel watching over me b/c they resourced the tasking to someone else. I know that's horrible b/c now someone else has to do my job. The guilt to keeps mounting.