Recently I've been hearing from people (who all think they are 'experts' on my life) that things would get easier if I learned to forgive.

I've never understood that.

When someone wrongs you, and I mean in a big way, in a way where it ultimately screws up your life, where they actually committed a crime against you (and you were six years old and couldn't do anything to stop it and you can't get it out of your head sometimes), HOW do you forgive them? How do you say "hey, it's ok that you did that," and make an excuse that makes it seem like what they did doesn't matter, because it wasn't their fault becaus they're 'sick,' or some other stupid reason?

There are things I can forgive. I can forgive my ex's mother for being crazy and overbearing; she's just trying to protect her family, and plus she's learning to lighten up a little bit because I'm not a threat.

I just have never really understood the whole forgiveness thing for things like I mentioned before, or, like, murder, and those kinds of things. There's never a good reason for it to happen, how can there be a good excuse?

Forgiveness is being able to understand that things happen for a reason - despite it's extremities. Forgiveness is finding a place in our hearts, the answers to our questions from the most unimaginables, so we can surrender its pain and move on with our lives. Forgiveness is allowing ourselves the freedom from other's mistakes to better live our future, while using its experiences to help others at hand. Forgiveness builds character and strength from within and allows us the courage to believe that we are better people from having to go through the experiences we've had to endure..

There are many reasons why people commit the crimes they do. It's understanding the underlying factors that enables us to predict and prevent.

I'm a victim and I forgave.

Does this all sound like rubbish to you? lol

Forgiveness is a huge point in getting freedom.
My concept of forgivness is coming to personal acceptance that 'it' happened, and deciding that 'it' will not rule your future. Allowing it to be a past issue. I distant memory that will not poison me today or tomorrow.
I don't believe that in forgiving you have to do it verbally. I think it can be done inside yourself.
Acknowledging that it was real. But no longer is a active current reality. It happened but is not happening now. Accepting it, and actively choosing not to continue to relive in our minds the pain associated with it.
Hmmm. I just read that back, and I am not sure
I am expressing myself very clearly.
I just wanted to relate to you how the process worked for me.
I was a child victim of violence. A domestic abuse victim.
I don't live with those pains today, yet they happened.
I certainly am no expert on life, but I know that taking the concept of forgivness and finding my own way to relief for myself, was very freeing.
Good luck. It probally works differently for everyone.

quote:
I'm a victim and I forgave.
does that sound like rubbish
not at all

Hey lukensdad,
I think the previous posts are on the mark. Forgiving is not saying that the bad action was okay. Forgiving someone for their wrongful acts will free you from their control. If you still carry that anger with you, you are still being controlled by it. Forgiving them does not mean you have to be friends with them, you do not have to speak to them, or even be in the same room as them. It is in your heart.
I personally put a lot of faith in Jesus. I think things happen for a reason. I try to learn from those experiances and grow for the better from them. When someone does me wrong I will pray for them. Pray that they come to realize what they have done, to find a better way, and not to hurt anybody else. This is part of forgiveness to me.
I don't know your situtation, but I do know what I have been through. I also know that forgiving is a way to let it go. Let it be in the past and not hurt anymore. Giving the pain for God to take care of.
Maybe instead of thinking forgiving is for the other person, think of it as freeing yourself from the pain of it and the control it has over you. If you are still angry it is still controlling you.
I do hope that at least one of these posts has helped you along.
Lots of prayers for you and yours.

Please read carefully what jes, iamharmony and tomanytocount has said above. They are so on the money. Forgiveness is tough, but so very freeing. Forgiveness doesn't mean you forget, and it doesn't mean that the person who violated you is off-the-hook (just because he was "sick" or because he was doing drugs, or because he was an alcoholic). I don't want to sound arrogant or even offend you, but the closer you get to knowing God and having a one-on-one relationship with him, the easier forgiveness gets. Why? Because God was there when you were violated and it hurt Him deeply to observe what was happening to you. He didn't WANT that to happen to you. I will just share this with you to hopefully help you understand that I know what you're talking about. I know it isn't easy. Okay, the man who brought me to the Lord God, turned right around and molested my queen of a daughter when she was 11. Do you think I wanted to forgive him? No way. But, I was able to go to Jesus Christ and say honestly (without fearing punishment) that I was mad as h**l and I wanted this man to be castrated and demasculinized (if you know what I mean). But, because I know God it was just as easy for me after to say afterwards please change my heart because I knew that not forgiving this man could only hurt me more than it hurt him. And it would keep me in a mental prison. Forgiveness is for you, not the other person.

Harmony mentioned accepting things (I think). If I were to pinpoint the two key things around forgiveness (for me), they'd be acceptance and change.

Acceptance enables us to know that "stuff" happens, whether we like it or not, and that we don't have to understand or condone it.

Change in ourselves is the only thing we can truly control. In forgiving someone, I make a positive change in myself. I also make changes to get away from the negative things they do that inhibit my forgiveness.

I think it's so natural to feel like there needs to be justice when bad things happen to us, and that forgiveness seems like something that just enables the other person to keep wronging us.

But the real justice comes in moving past those wrongs and understanding that people just are who they are. Perhaps we feel like if they could adequately explain their actions, we'd understand and be ok. But quite often they can't, and no matter how much they tried, we'd still feel rotten.

It truly is freeing - to be both forgiven and forgiving.

Chris

Thanks for the tips...

I've been trying, and working with a therapist for the last few years trying to work it all out, but it's not working. I guess maybe I haven't had the whole idea properly explained and it's always just been like, 'forgive him' and... I can't just do that and make it ok. But I want to work through all of the anger that I have so I can focus on my future and be a good dad. Even though I can't even comprehend doing to Luken even half of what was done to me, and I would kill anybody who tried...

Moving off that train of thought... I'm not a religious person, it's just not something I buy into. It hasn't worked out well for me... so hearing things like God didn't want it to happen doesn't really help because it still did (I'm sorry, I don't mean any offence by that, I know you meant well and I appreciate your help, Ginapet ).

I'm trying not to let it control my life, but I'm very aware of how my life would be different now if it had never happened...

If you can't understand why things happened to you the way they did; if there's no justifiable reason to give your heart some inner peace, then perhaps this experience is meant to be used as a tool later in life.

Doesn't make sense?

Here's my example:
My ex and I were together for nearly six years. He was a controlling, manipulative, self-centered son of a gun. When I finally had the courage to leave him after my son was born, I wondered: Why?? Why did this have to happen to me? Haven't I been through enough already in my life?

(Backtrack)
Around the time I met him, I believed that all I needed to make me happy was a man to love me and a job to keep. Not even a great job, just a job. I was so insecure with myself and my abilities, I just wanted a man to take care of me. I didn't think I'd be capable enough to make it on my own. Big mistake right? Well things took a turn for the worst..

I look back now and understand WHY things happended the way they did. Hadn't it been for my ex's aggressive tendencies and my determination to beat his game, I wouldn't of been able to build that backbone I needed to realize my true worth: I am strong-willed, independent, self-reliant, goal-oriented achiever. I take care of myself and my child, NOT my family, NOT my friends NOT the government.

I never imagined that I'd ever be saying any of this about myself and honestly, I wouldn't of been able to say it without having to go through what I did.

So do I hate him for how he treated me? Not really. I kind of thank him. My forgiveness allowed me to better live my life as a better person who will strive at all costs to prevent from making the same mistakes twice. He's always going to be that angry man and I'm always going to be the one he wasn't able to break.

Forgiveness is learning to let go..

LD, It sounds to me like you still suffer. I wanted to post this here for you....but maybe you can research it better yourself. I don't like to hear that people go to councelling and it doesn't work, because that is just sad. There should be a councelor that specializes in PTSD in your area....which to me sounds like what you have. I am however not a doctor. I just want to make sure that you are seeing a doctor that can truely help you with what you have, and not a doctor that just thinks you need someone to vent to. It is not about venting, it is about coping and living healthy.

My own answer to your question is not only this information, but to also tell you that I understand what you are saying here. IMO there is no excuse. Not sickness...not anything. You probably won't find one that makes sense to you because you are the victum. That guy was an adult and knew better. He violated you and didn't care....probably still doesn't. He CHOSE to do what he did.

Now, you don't have to forget about it if you don't want to. You don't have to accociate with him either if you don't want to. You don't even have to make peace with him if you so choose. However, if you don't get proper councelling you won't stop hurting and you won't make peace inside yourself until you get some answers.

I hope this helps.....

What are the symptoms of PTSD? (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) Some people suffer all their life with this if they don't get the proper help.

PTSD symptoms are divided into three categories. People who have been exposed to traumatic experiences may notice any number of symptoms in almost any combination. However, the diagnosis of PTSD means that someone has met very specific criteria. The symptoms for PTSD are listed below.

Intrusive Re-experiencing
People with PTSD frequently feel as if the trauma is happening again. This is sometimes called a flashback, reliving experience or abreaction. The person may have intrusive pictures in his/her head about the trauma, have recurrent nightmares or may even experience hallucinations about the trauma. Intrusive symptoms sometimes cause people to lose touch with the "here and now" and react in ways that they did when the trauma originally occurred. For example, many years later a victim of child abuse may hide trembling in a closet when feeling threatened, even if the perceived threat is not abuse-related.


Avoidance
People with PTSD work hard to avoid anything that might remind them of the traumatic experience. They may try to avoid people, places or things that are reminders, as well as numbing out emotions to avoid painful, overwhelming feelings. Numbing of thoughts and feelings in response to trauma is known as "dissociation" and is a hallmark of PTSD. Frequently, people with PTSD use drugs or alcohol to avoid trauma-related feelings and memories.


Arousal
Symptoms of psychological and physiological arousal are very distinctive in people with PTSD. They may be very jumpy, easily startled, irritable and may have sleep disturbances like insomnia or nightmares. They may seem constantly on guard and may find it difficult to concentrate. Sometimes persons with PTSD will have panic attacks accompanied by shortness of breath and chest pain.

Who gets PTSD?

PTSD can affect anyone at any age who has been exposed to a traumatic event where he/she experienced terror, threat (or perceived threat) to life, limb or sanity and his/her ability to cope was overwhelmed. Conservative estimates show that nine-ten percent of the general population has PTSD. Among people who were victims of specific traumatic experiences (rape, child abuse, violent assaults, etc.), the rate of PTSD is 60-80 percent.

Diagnosis

Unfortunately, it is common for those with PTSD to avoid treatment. Also, it is common for those who do seek treatment to be misdiagnosed Because PTSD often occurs at the same time as other physiological and mental health disorders, PTSD symptoms may be masked or difficult to identify. Examples of common co-occurring conditions are depression, substance use/dependence and bipolar disorder. Trauma survivors may also experience headaches, chest pain, digestive or gynecological problems as well. However, there is a growing number of clinicians who are skilled at recognizing PTSD and still others who are specializing in treatment of traumatic stress disorders. If you think you might have PTSD you should seek professional help for a thorough physical and mental health assessment.

Can PTSD be treated?

Yes. A person who has survived a traumatic event will probably never feel as if the event didn't happen, but the disruptive, distressing effects of PTSD are completely treatable. Depending on the source of the trauma (manmade vs. natural), the nature of the trauma (accidental vs. purposeful), and the age of the victim at the time of the trauma, treatment strategies may vary. Treatment involves both managing symptoms and working through the traumatic event. Most experts agree that psychotherapy is an important part of recovery. Medications can help reduce some symptoms allowing psychotherapy to be more effective.

Where can I get more information?

Sidran Foundation is the only national nonprofit, charitable organization specifically devoted to providing mental health information, technical assistance, resources, publications, and education to survivors of psychological trauma, their supportive family members and mental health care service providers. Our mission is to support trauma survivors through advocacy, education and research.

Research Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

I wish you peace. Karen

Dear Lukens Dad:

I know where you're coming from, and a friend recently explained something pretty cool to me. He said that if you continue to let the person who hurt you continue to hurt you, they are winning. You may not see them or associate with them, but if you are still reliving the pain, they are unfortunately still hurting you. I know it's not easy, but, remember, you were a child, this person is a sick puppy and you were innocent. Think of all the things you've accomplished in your life and try to focus on the positives. That is so important. Then, you can slowly back away from the pain that was inflicted upon you. It will always be in the back of your mind, but hopefully, then, you will be able to keep it back there and just learn from it. Make sure that your beautiful son is kept safe from the same kind of circumstances, and you will have won!!!

Good luck, hope this helps somewhat.