Single Family Voices - For Single Parents Online Single Parent Forums Dealing With Depression Tired of Being Depressed...I Want to Die|
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I am New to SFV |
Hi. My name is Essence. I am a sindle mother of a 22-month old daughter and an 8-month old son. I recently broke up with their father after 2 years. come to find out, he had no intentions on being there for us and I also found out that he was cheating on me with a man and that he was the one steling my money. I have had five jobs since we were together and I left them all beacuse I wasn't making enough money and when I would get paid my money was coming up missing. I had even went as far as to accuse my family, but they would try to tell me it was him, but i didn't believe them because I was so in love with him. He was my best and only friend I ever had and now I have no friends at all. I have only gotten along with guys but that was because i didn't get along with girls and was basically an outcast all throughout school. I was just a huge reject and everyone hated me. I had no friends whatsoever in school and I don't have any now. Nobody likes me or cares about me for ME. Everyone who does show an interest in me is only out to use me or backstab me. That is always how it ended when I did get along with other females. My children's father lied to me from the beginning. I was 14 when we met and over 4 years we wrote to one another because he lived in a different town. Then his mom moved here and he lived with her and her boyfriend. That was in my senior year. I was an excellent student all through school but I never fit in socially. That is why I have social problems today and no friends. I am painfully shy and I dress differently which is why no one will be friends with me. So since the 10th grade I was having sex with boys because that was the first time they actually started to notice me and I would do anything for attention from them. Before then I was invisible. The they started to talk about me and say they were only with me because I was easy. I was but stupid and naive me thought that was what they wanted and I just wanted someone to like me. So anyway, senior year rolled around and that's when things started falling apart. I was now making B's instead of A's (I was a perfectionist about my grades). I could have went to any college that I wanted to (Princeton was checking for me!). I was still being promiscuous until HE came back and wanted me to be his girlfriend. So, I just thought tis guy was so dreamy, mind you. He was light-skinned with long hair...etc. Just what I liked. So then...
We started dating in August. I got pregnant with my first child in September, but didin't know it until October because my cycles were abmormal. It would skip months. So one day he called me and I told him I was pregnant and the first word out of his mouth were.."You're gonna get an abortion, right?" I was so mad I hung up on that insensitive beast!!! HE was the one who did not want to use a condom, but then again I was insanely in love with him and did not want to lose him which was the reason why I did not make a big fuss about it. (he was the only one I had Unprotected sex with.) So later we talk and he SAID he would get a job to help take care of us. Meanwhile, I'm still stuggling in school and being hated and tormented by my peers, so I started to skip school and go be with him and then sneak back to school before my dad came to pick me up. So a few months go by, and this loser still ain't got no job (excuse my grammar) and was still making empty promises. Then the funk really hits the fan when I find out why he was being so secretive about his age. He was actually 27 and I was 17. This fool was older than my older brother by a year! AND...later on I learn that we are distantly related...but stupid dumb me did not end the relationship like everyone suggested because I loved him and was sure that He was the greatest thing since sliced bread and everything was gonna be ok. IT WASN"T!!! To kinda abbrieveiate this long story (which is like probably taking up bandwith or something...) I miraculously graduate, with a scholarship at 8 months pregnant...my family gets me nothing for doing so and my mother jokes that my baby is my gift when they had promised me a car... Our daughter is born two weeks later...he hates the names that I pick out, all but one and we name her that...he still has no job...august rolls around and I start college at a major university 36 miles away, commuting in my mother's car everyday while she catches a ride to work...i quit after a month because i want to be with him...i sit at home with him all day until i get fed up and get a job...i hate it...i quit...another job...hate it...quit...he still has no job...i get pregnant again when my daughter is only 4 months old..i work a few more jobs and hate them all and i quit (I'm a jobhopper because i felt that i had too much education for them because i took AP classes and spoke 2 languages in addition to english and was becoming the next maya angelou with my original angst-ridden poetry which was my world and me writing poetry was my everything since the third grade which is why they wanted to skip me from third to sixth and found ou i was gifted but my parents wouldn't let me...anyway, i digress..i had my son in august...he still had no job...more empty promises...i had and STILL have post-partum depression or just depression in general...he didn't care...he bacame kinda distant...saw a counselor...SHE's the kook...took some pills...they didn't work and are almost as strong as prozac...got a job...actually liked it...my co-workers were trying to tell me about him being bisexual and he never worked in his life...but was so in love with him so now i looked like the big dumb naive fool...finally found out that he WAS taking my money...kicked him to the curb...a lot better off...still lonely and depressed...he was supposed to be my best friend...he betrayed me...they all do...i just quit my job...not enough hours...in school at the local junior college i feel so alone...everybody hates me...no one wants to be my friend...i feel trapped..i'm pre-med, trying to get through general studies at the junior college...i'm failing because i can't focus or study like i need to because i have to watch my kids 24/7...i really wanna take accelerated classes but my kids take up all my time...i gotta do this..i gotta do that...changew a diaper..clean up a spill...screaming in both ears...they are screaming as i speak...sometimes i have to put them down because i am afraid i will hurt them...i keep telling everyone i am not crazy...just frustrated, lonely, and seriously need help...i get so frustrated that i yell at hem when they're just babies...they dn't know what they're doing...they are helpless...i am helpless and hopeless...i don' t even wanna be a doctor...i really wanna be a fashion designer but i can't go away to school because i have no one to keep them and i don't wanna leave them with just anybody in daycare if they were to go with me...i can be a rocket scientist if i wanted to but i don't...my mom says fashion design is not a practcal, marketable degree...that's why I'm going to be a doctor...SHE doesn't even have a degree...both of my parents quit school to work...my life sux...i have no life...i can't go any where except to the kids' doctor and to church...i hate church...it is full of hypocrites who try to judge me and they hate me too...no one even wants to sit by me at church but my sister...and when they have alter call they act like i shouldn't go...they're like "there's that failure who had two kids by her cousin, why doesn't she just go away?"...i used to pretend that i had to work so i didn't have to go to church..i would get dressed in my uniform and sneak a backpack out the window and into the trunk and then change clothes in the prk bathroom and chill at the park until it was time to go home...i suck...i would be better off dead but i don't wanna leave my kids without a mommy...i got saved right after i got my last job...that's another reason why i haven't killed myself yet and i feel wrong for having these feelings in the first place...i'm a terrible mommy...i love my babies, but i don't mean to yell at them...why don't i just die???!...God, please help me...or someone please help me??????????please....!!!!!  |
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| <AngelsMommy>
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try talking to your gyno as well ,if you think it might be a cause of post partm depression, they can help as well.,
your friend, Lesley |
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"Mod Member on Board" Board Blazen Parent |
Hi! I too go to a junior college and should not be there. I took AP classes during highschool and speak another language, not two mind you but one, and I feel like I don't belong in the job I had, so I quit and go to school full time now. I only have one child but I feel like going insane but you know what? That's ok. It is part of life that we get overwhelmed. Several suggestions for you. Most colleges have on campus day care for children that are free. You can take your kids there and that way you'd be close to them and have someone watching them that you can check up on very easily. How old are you? You can get a lot of financial aid through the college which could really help put you through school and with job situations so you can may be only work part time instead of full time. That always makes life easier. I hate when parents try to lecture you and you feel like they have no idea what they are talking about, but think of it this way. When you are lecturing your kids some day they are going to be thinking the same thing we think about our parents now. I love the quote that says amazingly as I got older my parents got smarter. The ironic thing being that they were always like that we just didn't see it that way. Sometimes I want to die. You know how you get so overwhelmed you just want to pick up and leave in the middle of the night because then no one would know and you wouldn't be held accountable to it because no one saw you leave. But then you look at your kids and say I can't do that I love my kids, they need a mommy 'cause that's all they have. And you don't really want to die, just like I don't really want to, so don't listen to that voice. Life is hard to deal with but don't let it get the best of you. Let your children be your motivation. Let your children be the light of your life! I don't have friends either and I am on the other end of the spectrum. I am very outgoing and I too have always had friends that are guys. You always have friends here and I know that's not the same but it helps. And look into the single parents group on campus. There are a lot of single moms in a boat like you or close to it or worse and it's nice to know people with kids. Even girls. I know, I hate having friends that are girls but I have found a few friends that also hate having friends that are girls and we are best friends because we know what we hate in everyone else. Sounds weird but it works. Maybe you haven't found the right church. And you shouldn't judge all churches based on some experiences you've had a one. Yes there are a lot of hypocrites in church but then again there are a lot of those who are not. Just give people a chance the way that you want to be given a chance too. You really should go and see you OBGYN and see if they can give you something for the post partum depression. It's way too hard to deal with it on your own. You don't want to end up accidentally hurting your kids because you didn't seek help and then get them taken away from you. All hypothetical but still, better safe than sorry you know? Well I hope you feel a little better now than you did earlier. Write back to me and tell me how you are. If you need to vent feel free to do so! I'm here for you and so are many other people here!
Melissa |
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I am New to SFV |
Hi Essence
First, i want to tell you that you are NOT a failure. Things may not be going well for you now, you may have been hurt by inconsiderate n selfish people in the past but that does not mean that you r a failure or that your life is not worth living. You have 2 most precious things on earth n that's your 2 lovely babies!! Any other person would have felt the same stress n pressure that you r feeling now. The past is over n done with, so is that irresponsible jerk who caused u so much heart ache! Good for u that u kicked him out of your life. Wat good riddance for you n your children. To help you get on w your precious life, please speak to a professional counselor at your school. Many times we r so overwhelmed by our problems that we need someone to help us dissect our lives to give us a better view of what's happening. By posting in this board, you have already taken one big courageous step. Good for you!  Please do not think of ending your life anymore, Essence. Your babies need you! There r millions of women b4 you who had also taken this long, winding n painful road n SURVIVED. SO CAN YOU! Anytime you feel like giving up, just drop us a mail. We will try our utmost best to give you support!  |
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| <luvthatbaby>
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Yes life is hard.
Yes there is hypocrisy. Yes there is stress. Two babies one after the other would definitely push me close to the edge. Having just one almost did. I had the same feelings of wanting to Die. Why are people judging me? Why can't someone help alittle more so I can sort things out. Why did I let this happen ? The questions go on and on. As does life. There is no pause button on life and we cannot stop this roller coaster ride. What we can do is remember that we are in control of our destiny. You are young and you know you are intelligent. You have two brand new humans who can teach you things(patience)as well as you teaching them. You have to realize that you are low right now but "Trouble don't last always". To those who talk about you be nothing but kindhearted. Try to find a mentor, or someone who is living the way you want to live and see what it is about their life (besides money, and security) that you really want. Try to spend some time doing silly things with your children. Make them laugh, they will return the favor one day. Most of all love yourself, remember you deserve someone who will give you what you are wiliing to give them. Peace |
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I am New to SFV |
Hi sweetie,
First of all you are the most important person in the world to two little babies. They don't see flaws, mistakes or imperfections, they love you for who you are, MOMMY. Second of all we all make bad choices sometimes. It doesn't mean we are bad people or failures, we just screwed up and we pick ourselves up and try to not make the same mistakes again. The most important thing is when you got saved all your sins were forgiven, washed away. You were given a clean slate. If you are going to a church where you are being judged, maybe you should find another church because it says in the Bible we are not to judge each other. You are never alone. Do you realize that when God forgives you of your past it's done! If you keep punishing yourself for your past that is not of God. Remember something, your past is just that. In the past, as long as you do not let it affect the present and the future. Let it go, if you need someone to talk to we are here for you. Never feel you are alone. You will always have someone to love and need as much as they need you, those two babies. Start today and make your life and their life the best it can be. If it doesn't work out today, go to bed tonight and say I did the best I could and tomorrow I will try again. I am worthy of love and a wonderful person. Every day is a new day to be better than the day before. Let go of yesterday. Find a good church where they will lead you in the right direction, that has programs for single mothers. Good things will come for you. DONT GIVE UP. |
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Getting My Feet (Board) Wet |
sending a hug
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| <AngelsMommy>
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Hi essence,
how are you feeling nowadays? Just wanted to check in and say hello, and send ya some love. Lesley |
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I am New to SFV |
GIRL, I JUST READ YOUR POST AND BELIEVE ME I COULD HAVE WRITTEN IT MYSELF! Let me tell you that you are not alone and there are people who can and will help. I am now 37 and my kids are teens, I struggle everyday and believe me there are times I too think the best thing would be to end it all but then who would be there for my kids? I made it through homelessness, poverty, job loss, illness of my children, cancer, terrorism, etc. I have wanted to give up sooooooo many times but kept trudging forward. You will make it because by taking the time to write you are asking for help. You are strong and you can overcome anything. BELIEVE THAT! Remember this if you do not remember anything else. Love is within you. Only you can make yourself happy. Happiness is not in a man. We must stick together and show the world that single mothers are a force to reckon with. We are strong and resillient. Good luck to you and I am here whenever you need a shoulder or an ear. Much love.
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Board Member |
 I read your story and I wanted to just break down and cry. I am going through a rough time myself. I have 3 beautiful children. I was with my husband for 12 years. He woke up one morning and decided he wanted to be free. Now, he is dating young college girls. And he doesn't even help me with my kids at all. I am 34 years old. I am simply lost. We where having a house built from the ground. He pulled out at the last minute. I could not afford the house without him. We lost all the money we put into the house. We had paid down on a cruise and everything. I mean this happend out of the blue. I have always worked. He works too but also attends college at night. He is getting ready to graduate. Go figure. Now, one of those young college girls will get everything my children and myself have did without for. That is so wrong. I can barely make ends meet. I can't afford a good attorney to get me what I deserve. He does not help me at all. Everytime we do see him he is wearing new cloths and looking so nice. I can't afford new anything. I have finally went to a doctor so I can deal with this stress. I have gained 45 pounds since July of last year. I just pray that God will see us through this ordeal. It is easy for people to judge but until they go through something that turns they're world around they have no clue |
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I am New to SFV |
Dear Essence:
I so understand where you are coming from, and looking at your other replies to your letter, there are lots of other women that feel your pain, too. It is so hard to raise small children by yourself. I have three small ones and have been alone for almost two years. My husband just decided that he was done with me. I also find myself stressed to the limit most days, and it is so difficult to have patience with the kids when you feel like you are going crazy yourself. The thing that helps me most days is medication. I am not glad that I have to resort to this, but it seems like it is the only things that helps me stay calm. I wake up most mornings and feel like I also want to die. I feel so heavy and so depressed. The medication does take some of this away, and I think that without that, I would probably kill us all. I don't know, not really, but it feels that way. I totally know how it feels to feel like you are going to lose it and just start hitting everyone. I find myself fighting this feeling every day. I am not like this, I am a very calm person, but the stress of my divorce and lack of money, worrying over where we are going to live, etc. etc. adds so much more pressure. I think it is important to know who to take your anger out on, not yourself or your children. It is him. Don't turn it inside, get therapy and learn how to voice your anger against him and the situation. We as women seem to always take the blame. Also, joining a support group in your area would help, too. I joined a single mom support group, and it was so helpful because my married friends just didn't get it. My parents were tired of hearing about it and couldn't really do anything, anyways. Really, there is little that any of us can do but accept things as they are, give thanks for the blessings you have in your life, feel the grace in your beautiful children, and try to move on. It will come. It takes time, but I truly believe that a few years from now we will be in a very different, hopefully better, state. I am here for you if you want to talk. Milinda |
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I am New to SFV |
Hi, Everyone. I just wanna thank everyone for their advice and for sharing their stories. I am doing a little better. I'm still somewhat depressed but I know that dying is not the answer. I still do not wanna get back on medication for fear that i will think that i need it for the rest of my life. I just pray and keep pushing on. Life goes on...and so do we. It's great to know that someone can relate and there is so much support here and that someone does understand. I am praying for all of you and thanks again!!!
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I am New to SFV |
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Learning to Surf The Board |
I am so sorry for your situation. I too am saved and when I was with my ex he would play mind games with me and verbally abuse me. There were many times that I wanted to kill myself but I was pregnant and I am a christian. People tried to tell me along adn I never listened because he used his son as a weapon to me and I tried to protect his son and I just couldn't leave him. But when she was born I left and I had nothing but the cloths on my back and all of her stuff. I am on maternity leave and I can't afford food for myself and got turned down by a friggin food bank. I got subsidy housing thank God but it still doesn't help because he doesn't pay child support or anything. I just want a rest because lately I have been so aggitated with her because she is teething and she is so cranky that I feel I am going to hurt her. So I sit back and calm myself down or cry if I have to and go back to her and pretend that it's okay. I feel alone just like you. It is just us two in this apartment and I just wish someone lived here so that I could talk to them. Depression is so hard to conquer especually if you are a christian because satan attacks you because you are so vulnerable. And that is what is happening to me know and you. Your lucky you are smart, I'm not. I too have dreams but I just don't see them happening anytime soon. I hope that we could talk more because everything is going to be okay. The one thing I learned is that I pray every night and ask God to give me strength to make it through all of this and that he takes away my bitterness and hatred towards him. I stop thinking about me because I all I think about is poor old me, and you know what it works he does listen. Just take it one day at a time. If you can't do school now do it later. Spent the most important time with your kids because they need you. All of you. I hope that this will help you in some way. Talk to ya soon
Angela |
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