Greetings to whoever is out there.
WARNING - this is not a brief rant.
I'm sitting at my computer at 12:30 am writing this because I need to say it even if it is just to the screen in front of me. I'm tired. I'm tired of feeling like I'm perpetually on the outside looking in. I'm tired of feeling like the ability to finally get ahead of things is just out of reach. I'm tired of waiting and hoping for a break.

My life wasn't exactly easy, but it was going the way I wanted until just over six years ago. All the potential was there just waiting to be fulfilled. I could make men forget what they were going to say with a look. I was working towards my lifelong dream - putting in the hours to achieve it, and while I struggled to make ends meet, I was generally pretty happy. I loved what I was doing and the people I was working with.

Then I was in an accident which left my face in ruins. Major reconstructive surgery and a long recovery process made me look at least normal, although not the beauty I had once been. I slipped into a deep funk, utterly convinced that no man would ever look at me again with anything other than pity or disgust (and in the first couple of months this fear was justified - small children actually stopped and stared in horrified fascination in the early days of recovery when I was still badly swollen and bruised).

And then - wonder of wonders - I met someone who miraculously still seemed attracted to me. I was so giddy I turned a blind eye to all the warning signs which should have had me running for the door. Long story short - I wound up involved in an emotionally abusive relationship, and he got me pregnant by lying to me about his fertility status. While I didn't have it in me to leave him for myself, I did have enough spine to leave for the sake of my unborn child. I have not seen him since and hope for my child's sake it remains that way.

I told myself at the time that I could endure the stigma and solitude of single parenthood - I imagined myself fifty years down the road as a sort of romantic heroine - a quiet pilar of strength. I didn't realize how lonely I would grow with time, or how hard it would be to see couples and families and know I really don't fit in with them. The more time passes, the harder it becomes to endure. I'm in my 30's now, and my hopes of ever meeting the right guy grow dimmer every day. There is one thing that gives me hope. I had a second reconstructive surgery this last August and I feel like I look like me again. Perhaps it's just the return of my confidence, but people seem to compliment my looks more than they did just a year ago.

My daughter and I live with my parents, and while they adore her, they have made it increasingly clear over the last couple of decades that the whole family would probably be happier if I simply vanished. My mother's favorite past time seems to be pointing out how inadequate I am. I'm desparate to be free of them, but I can't seem to figure out how to pull it off.

I also had to let go of my lifelong dream and change careers to something where I could realistically hope to support myself and my offspring. So, I am now a nurse - newly graduated from nursing school last August and presently working in my first nursing job (by the way, the first year in nursing generally means lousy shift). There is a cardinal rule in nursing - do not quit your first job within the first year! To do so is essentially professional suicide. Potential employers will look at you and see that you quit in that first year, and won't hire you because they're afraid to invest money into training someone who's likely to jump ship. So, I have to stick with this job. In general I like the job - but there is one really big problem. My shift starts at 5 am. My daughter is only five years old, so I can't leave her home alone to get ready for school on her own, and there are no daycare options at that hour of the morning.

In order to move out of my parents' house, I need to be able to figure out some option where someone is there with my daughter from the time I leave for work until she gets up, and then get her ready for and delivered to school. Sounds simple enough in theory. Get a live-in nanny. But as you are all single parents, I'm sure most of you realize that is hard to do on one income with all the bills of daily living to cover too (and by the way new grad nurses don't make THAT much). So, another option would be to drop her off at my parents' house at 4:30 to go to sleep on the couch with her school bag all packed and ready to go. But my parents think this is a stupid idea, and refuse to put an outside keypad for the alarm system on the house so I could do it. A third option would be to get a college student or grad student to live with her and me, and in exchange for free or reduced rent, take my daughter to school in the morning. But that would require having a three bedroom home, and those are either way out of my price range, or else so far from the university that no student would be interested because of the insanely long commute in bad urban traffic.

So, I am stuck waiting... waiting to have enough income to support myself and my daughter and have live-in child care, or waiting for her to be old enough to get to school on her own, or waiting until I can get a job where the hours don't require one of the other options. I'm on the outside looking in at those who can stand on their own feet, wondering if I will ever be able to do so. And I'm tired. I'm tired of trying so hard and being put down by my family instead of praised. I'm tired of feeling like an outsider among those who should be my closest inner circle. I'm tired of asking God if I've paid enough yet for the arrogance I once had and when will I be forgiven and allowed to find happiness again. I'm so tired, and it is now 1:15 am. I am getting on a plane this afternoon to go to my brother's wedding. I'm getting on a plane to go be surrounded by a family that looks upon me with contempt. Were it not for the long term hurt that my not not showing up for the wedding would cause my brother, I would not get on the plane. My parents' unkindness is going to be hard to endure, but the guilt of hurting my brother on what should be the happiest day of his life would be worse... I think. I need to try to sleep now. I don't know if I'll get to sleep or not, but I need to try.

Regarding you issue with the bad job schedule...
I think the best way to solve this is to take things as they are at the moment (you have no choice anyways), and to start looking for a place to live and a job where you can actually start becoming independent from your family. The aim being, to have a basic arrangement you can manage on your own, so your family can jump in case of emergencies, or simply when they feel like seeing their granddaughter/niece..

This first year will go by very quickly...it gives you extra time to organise your life....and I am thinking, your family will honor the effort you're making.

I think, knowing that you have a job and an appartment waiting for you..maybe in 6 months, 9 months or so..will make you feel better too.

( While I write this, I am thinking back to my own new job and place to live...it took me almost a year to get it all organised. )

Welcome to SFV and I'm glade for another from the NW.

I send hugs your way and hope the wedding goes smoothly.

I am 54 and share a house with my mom and she still puts me down so I don't have any advice there. I also feel like I have been on the outside looking in and as far as my childhood dreams, I've given up mostly.

In comparison you are still young enough to make a good life for you and your daughter, so chin up.

Being alone is not the end of the world and can have advantages, but it is nice to have someone close too.

Stick around and vent all you want, that is what were here for.

Hear from you soon?

Keep your head up! I know the light at the end of the tunnel looks dim now. But in due time and on some days I am sure it shines bright. You have to be strong for your daughter and know that you will make it. You done wonderful thus far. Look at all the positive things you've done and keep pushin from that. It took me 2 years to get my own place once I oved out from my ex. It takes time. You will do it. And it will feel wonderful knowing you did it on your own and in your own time. If you rush it it may not work out the way its planned. Also please don't stop praying God may not be answering your prayers the way you want him to answer them. He is answering them the way they are suppose to be answered. You will see in due time. I'm living proof of that and so is my beautiful little girl. Glad you came here to vent. It has done wonders for me.

I personally think you need to get away from the negativity of you family ASAP. I'm sure you could find a college student that would be more than willing to sleep on the couch for free rent. It's not like they'd have to be really involved in caring for your daughter beyond waking her up and getting her dressed for school/daycare. In fact when I was pregnant with my second child and on my own a friend of mine used to pay me 10 bucks a week (and I wouldn't have taken the 10 if she hadn't insisted) so she could drop her daughters off early in the morning. I'd get them up at 7, make sure their hair and teeth were brushed and send them on their way. My oldest was 2 at the time so he was up at the crack of dawn anyway.

The point is that you can do it with enough patience and will power. Such negativity is counter-productive to you and not at all healthy for your child. Keep us posted and we'll try to support and encourage you as best we can. You're not alone.

quote:

I'm on the outside looking in at those who can stand on their own feet, wondering if I will ever be able to do so.

We have all been right there where you are standing, looking in and wondering....alot of us are STILL there. I just moved back in with my parents AGAIN...it is only until July, but still, it is hard. They are very supportive but it is not at all like living on your own.

Have you talked to any of the other nurses at the hospital? Maybe there are some of them in the same boat as you, and you can make arrangements to help each other. Post a bulliten in your break room and see what sort of responce that you get. Try to get ahold of someone in the Child Development area at the University, maybe they might just have some suggestions for you or even a list of students that are looking for exactly what you need.

You do sound tired. I know that when I am tired I am easily depressed and notice all of the problems that I face. Try to take it easy and get some rest. Good luck to you Majestix and welcome to the site

Keep your head up and remember that this too shall pass. I tell myself that almost everyday. I rent my appartment from my parents (they live in the upstairs house) and it's hard! I just take all the good and try my hardest to forget the bad. Until recently I was a babysitter I would go over at 4 and stay until they got home from work. The only thing was that they had a port a crib for my daughter to sleep in. They got up and did there thing and I got the kids ready for work and their baby ready for the day. I loved getting to stay with my daughter all day. I charged like 10 less than the day care so that might be an option too.

Well, I got back from the wedding last night. In general, my mother behaved herself and I only heard subtle berating from her. I will giver her kudos for the effort. Our return flight was delayed an hour and a half so we didn't even land here in Seattle until about 10:30 pm. Then we had to get all our luggage (all 9 people in my family, since we all came back out here for varying reasons). By the time I got home last night, it was almost 11:30. I had to dig some stuff out of my luggage before going to bed, but didn't unpack anything else. Then I crawled into bed and finally fell asleep some time after midnight. While everyone else in my family was able to sleep until their bodies were ready to wake up this morning, I had to work, so was up by 4:15 as usual. I've been going on caffeine and adrenaline all day, and my mother is utterly unwilling to take the 15 minutes to drive my daughter to school tomorrow morning so that I can sleep in since I have tomorrow off. So, in spite of having had about half the sleep of everyone else, I am probably still going to be the first one up tomorrow. I'm so tired again, although this time it's really more of a physical fatigue thing rather than a state of mind. I have to admit though it was sort of isolative that my mother decided that the children should not attend the rehearsal dinner, the wedding reception, or the pseudo-reception for the west coast contingent that we had tonight. So, while everyone else in my family had someone they were paired off with at each party, I found myself being a fifth wheel again and again. Anyway, I've hit that point in physical exhaustion where you begin to feel perpetually dizzy, so I am going to try to sleep now.
Eventually I will actually post on here when I am not tired and people might see that I'm actually a rather silly and happy person most of the time. Eventually.

Hi

I just have to say that I don't understand how your parents could not be proud of you. Here you are, a single parent, and you just accomplished something so wonderful! It's hard juggling school, work, and children, and I think you're doing fine.

I also understand the tired thing (my son's 5, too) but I'm not sure when we won't be tired!