It seems like I spend all my time lying about how I feel, putting on a mask of bravery when really I'm scared ****-less inside.
I have to do that though, don't I? I have to act like I'm so sure of myself. What would my friends think if I let on that I was hurting, or unsure? And my daughter..if Daddy ever seemed afraid, SHE'D be afraid. So even when my father got drunk and threatened to break down my bedroom door to kill me, I had to smile at my baby and pretend nothing was wrong. I comforted her; no one comforted me.
I don't want to complain and I don't want to get pity, so I wind up not saying anything at all. To anyone that I care about. I constantly dump all my emotions on forums like this (which is fine and all), but shouldn't I be telling the people who are closest to me?
But I don't think I can hide it anymore and that scares me more than anything.
You might have read a recent post of mine..about how I hooked up with my ex and ruined any potential relationship with the girl I love..but it's so much worse than that now.
My ex, Kaylin (the one I hooked up with) just called me and told me that she got an abortion a few days ago. I had no idea that she was even pregnant.
I don't know if it was my baby. Kaylin's not exactly a saint, so it might not have been mine. But still - what if it was? I know having another baby while I'm a teen would have been so hard, but does that mean I want it dead? Of course not.
I could be the father to another beautiful child and instead I feel half-dead. I was supposed to go out job-hunting today (because I can't afford to not work every single second of my life), but I couldn't. I stayed in bed all day, snuggled down with my daughter. I know I still have responsibilities and commitments, but I don't think I can do this anymore. I'm constantly taking care of other people - all day, every day - and I'm glad to do it, but who's gonna take care of ME? When is it my turn to lay down and let someone else worry and hurt and stress?
I haven't told anybody because I don't know how to say it. My friends would be so disappointed. So would my brother and sister. How could I go and possibly get another girl pregnant? Didn't I learn my lesson? Maybe this was supposed to happen. Maybe I deserve this.
I'm so scared of being depressed again. I don't want to be depressed. I try to see the good in things but it's all cloudy now. I'm scared of what I can and probably will do if I fall back into depression. My daughter needs a father that's happy, that gets out of bed for more reasons than just because he has to..sometimes I think it was selfish to keep her.
And I hate that thought. That thought sickens me. If Amaya wasn't in the room right now, I'd be crying. I've made her life really difficult so far and that's selfish of me. That hurts so much.
I feel so useless. And I'm scared. And I'm scared to be scared.
Mostly, I'm scared to be sad. But there's no recipe for happiness.

Ryan, I like your signature.

What are you scared of right now?

Are you scared of a physical threat from someone right now?

There is nothing you can do to change what the ex girlfriend chose to do and then told you about.

A great thing I learned some time ago was to separate the past events from the present.
Do not use it as an excuse for now.
There is nothing you can do to change history.
Acknowledge that those events were real, then move on, and live now.

Ryan I really do not see any value in telling anyone.
Why is it something you have to put out there to discuss?

You have to believe that you can do it, because you can. It takes effort. Most likely no one is going to rescue you and set everything right. Some days you have to push yourself to get up and go find a job, do a job, etc.
I certainly hope this doesn't sound rough, but instead honest.

I'm afraid of being depressed. I've been depressed before and I do really stupid things when I'm depressed. That's what I'm scared of.

Were you clinically depressed?
Seeing a therapist, councellor, were you on med's for it.

If so maybe you better look into seeing someone again.

For all its worth, sometimes life scares the crap out of me. But I won't let life or anyone have the statisfaction of seeing me go down. You go on, cause you have to. You can't hide your head and expect anyone else to do it for you. Thats the sad truth of life.
Be at peace man.

I'm really sorry youre feeling this way...depression is horrible.. i should know because I'm going through it right now.

You have to realize that we all make mistakes,and do stupid things... but the best thing to do is learn from them.. and sometimes it takes something to happen more than once for us to learn. Take me for example... I got pregnant when my daughter was 9 months old .. before that i promised myself that there would be no more *** for me until marriage.. but i broke that promise, and got pregnant again. I think that sometimes people get so caught up in the moment that they just act on their emotions and not the consequences. I'm not saying that i regret having my daughter.. its not that at all.. she is my world. All I'm saying is that its not your fault for not "learning your lesson". It's ok.. you are human.
And it's completely normal for you to be greiving over the loss of your child.. i know that i would be doing the same. Dont feel bad that you couldnt get out of bed, i mean, you just found out about your ex's pregnancy, and her abortion all at once. Thats a lot for anyone to handle.

You said that you have to act like everythings okay.. but you really dont. Youre human.. with human emotions. We all have our ups and downs. Your daughter wouldnt be disapointed if she saw you cry... she would just know that EVERYONE, even her daddy, feels sad sometimes, and its ok for people to feel sad.

Sometimes i also think it was selfish of me to keep my children... i think of the life i want for my children and then i think how far i am to reaching that. But.. then i snap out of it and realize that my kids were meant for me to parent them. I know that they are meant to be in my life and im meant to be in theirs.

You should know that you dont have to act like youre perfect.. noone is perfect... we all make mistakes, have our ups and downs, we are all human, but you are a great person. Dont look at your faults and all the bad, instead, look at all the good things that are happening in your life.

Hope you feel better,
Morgan

^Thank you. Like I said, I try to look at the good in things, but sometimes all I can see is the bad and I don't know how to change that.

I hope you feel better, too. I try to tell myself that I'm lucky, that I've got a daughter and I know what's important in life and that helps me, so maybe it'll help you, too. We're the lucky ones. We're young but we already know what's worth living for.

Hi Mr Ryan,

I am new to this board. I am going thru a divorce currently and have 2 young kids. I felt myself getting depressed often. I didn't want my kids to see me like this. I have been taking St. Johns Wort for about 5 months. What a difference it makes in how I feel. You can get it at any drugstore. Keep us posted.

Ryan,

I'm sorry I missed this thread a week ago and was unable to offer any words of encouragement. I hope you are feeling better. You have alot of responsibility right now, but if you don't let go of some of that responsibility, your daughter will suffer for it. You can only take responsibility for what you can control. You cannot control your ex or what she did. You cannot control whether or not the child was actually yours. So you need to let that go. I know that it probably hurt to hear her tell you what she did, but worrying about it now will not fix anything. So you need to learn from it and move on. You cannot control your father's drinking. But you can control how you deal with it when it comes to protecting your daughter. Continuing to take responsibility for things you cannot control will only fuel your depression.

You want to feel better about yourself and your life? Self esteem is directly related to the way we view ourselves as a person. You want to feel like a better person? Think about what you do now that makes you a good person. You are an amazing father. You are a strong friend. What else could you do in your life that would make you feel like you are a good person? Accentuate the positive aspects of who you are as a person and focus on that rather than your fears or disappointments. You will feel better about yourself in no time.

Just because a person FEELS something, doesn't mean they have to let that feeling control them. Not all feeling need to be acted upon. Sometimes, we just have to accept that we feel a certain way and move on. Don't let fear control you. Don't let sadness control you. Don't let anger control you. Accept that it is what you are feeling and make the decision to continue on with your life despite the temporary difficulty.

I know exactly what you mean by feeling that way. Since I lost my job feelings of "what am I doing" have come over me and I try my hardest to push them away. I just work through them and that's about the best advice I can really offer you. I hope things get better for you and I wish you the best.

Sarah

Ryan I think that you need to find some time to deal with your childhood you have been so strong for everyone.You are a dad and your fathers abuse must be hard I am sure you look at your daughter and wonder how any onew could do that to a child.It was done to you and it is hard to understand how your father could do this to you.Why didnt your family treat and feel the same way you do for your baby.You need to vent and work through all of these problems.I see you are an eminem fan,his life was hard,he had a baby and has had to deal with so much for the sake of Hallie.Have you heard his song mockingbird the more he tried to hide hisemotions and shelter his 3 children from life.the more they saw exactly what he didnt want them to see.So talk,cry and allow yourself to feel the emotions so they dont eat at you and end up sick or worse.hugs Gail

Thanks everyone. And yes ^ the song "Mockingbird" is often how I feel sometimes.

I really am trying but I still feel...well, dead inside. I smile and I laugh but it's all an act. I just tell myself "You should be happy, you have a daughter, be happy for her" but unfortunately happiness doesn't work like that. I haven't exactly gotten happier..but I've managed to give myself little ups now and then. Yesterday I raked the leaves in the whole front yard so me and Maya could go jumping in the big pile...today, she and I carved our pumpkins...and tomorrow's Halloween, where I'll be able to distract myself for a few hours while Trick or Treating...I'm hoping that in time all the little ups will add up and pull me out of this, but I really don't know.

I know I shouldn't feel like this..I'm out of that abusive household, my life should be better, but I feel like everything's my fault. Maybe Amaya's mother wouldn't have left if I had done something differently. And I know I had no control over my father's abuse, but when you're little you blame everything like that on yourself, you think it's all your fault, that you made Dad mad and that's why he hit you, and that feeling stays with me sometimes. I should have gotten out of that house sooner. I should have tried to dull his temper. I shouldn't have hooked up with my ex two months ago. I shouldn't have broken up with my girlfriend, since I still love her so much and I feel so lost without her.

So maybe I DO deserve all this. I don't know. I'm going to bed now and I'm hoping that maybe things will seem brighter tomorrow..even though I'm pretty sure they won't.

I have two souls, one is 14, the other is 17, I really don't need any others. You have abuse in your life, My dad ignored me, totally. Even when I was in my 30's, and had his grand children, he would drive past my house to visit friends. I never knew he was in town. I telling you Bro, you better start living for the here and now, and your childs future, or its going to get you, and then where will your child be?