I had my son when I was 16. I have been on & off with the father since I was 14. I am about to turn 30 I work 2 part time jobs. I have very limited support from the father. Although we have a very unhealthy, complex & pathetic relationship that neither 1 of us can escape from. No matter how hard we try there is always something that pulls us back together. He is 1 of those people that, for the 1st 10 years of his sons life he was nowhere to be found. Unless it suited him, but now that our son is in high school he spends more time with him.(only if we are in a relationship.) If not then he disappears again. The only way my son gets to have a relationship with his father is if we are together. I can't handle it anymore. I find it easier just to stay, even though I'm not happy. I feel like a failure. I know that the relationship between the father & myself is useless but it makes my son happy....I hope to find someone that understands how I'm feeling. Or at the very least someone who can listen & give me advice. None of my friends understand as they are all either single & childless. Or with child & older.

Hi DJ's Mum,
10+ years is LONG time to be in the type of "relationship".

My suggestion? in a word "counseling".

I think you need to find out why you stay in this, and have to learn how to change that. After that, learn how to look for the healthy signs in a relationship.

You can do it, you just have to want to "bad enough".

Good Luck.

Hello Paulj_in_phx,

Thank you for your response.

It's actually been 15 years of on & off again. It's like a merry-go-round..Which makes it a million times worse. & in my head, I know that it has to end, but what do I tell my son? When the only way he will have a relationship with his father is at the expense of my happiness. & my son's happiness at this stage far outweighs my needs & desires..
The funny thing is (it's not really funny) but I've tried counselling before, only to be told that there is nothing wrong with me, I have a "strong personality" whatever that's supposed to mean..& in their opinion i don't need any professional help.

It's extremely difficult when none of my friends have kids. & all the mothers of my sons friends are all 10-15 years older then me.

I really appreciate your advice.
It's nice just to have a different voice of opinion..

Sometimes different counselors have different takes on the situation. Like with my daughter, we were seeing a counselor about 1 1/2 years ago who really wasn't much help. Well now we're seeing a different one that is doing a much better job of addressing the issues and is actually helping.

And as far as the father is concerned, that's really unfair to you and your son, for their relationship to hinge on whether his dad is involved with you or not. You shouldn't feel guilty for not continuing in a relationship that isn't working so that he'll be a part of his son's life. That's too much like blackmail.

Ok Djsmum,

Let me put it this way, by continuing in this relationship, you are teaching your son, that treating a woman the way this "man" treats you is "OK"...AND....to allow yourself to be treated that way is ALSO, OK.

So, if you want you son to grow up to accept being victimized, and to also victimize women, then.........well, you get the picture.

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but....I'm not really one to sugar coat things.

Paul,
i think you have a good point there. I stayed in a marriage for 8 years, about 5 years too long, because I was trying to keep the family together. I came to the conclusion teaching my girls it is ok for a man to be unfaithful and a woman to ignore it among other things isn't ok. Sometimes breaking things off isn't the easiest decision but it is the best one for your kids.

Paul, I appreciate your "bluntness"

A few details about my sons father that should be highlighted & give minor explanation to his actions. (They do not excuse.)
He grew up with a mother that did not allow him to take responsibility for anything. She used to do everything for him because he was her baby, she still does!
He is an alcoholic.
When we were 20 our best friend was killed at work. Instead of talking to someone about it he decided to start drinking alcohol to numb the pain. He now drinks everyday.
He still manages to work 50 hours a week at the same job he has been at for the last 8 years.
He is not all bad. I guess he is just bad for me.
I feel the reason I find it so hard to end the relationship is because I feel obligated to help him.
I have for the past 6 months been slowly preparing myself for "The End" of the relationship. I now have a calmness that allows me to speak to him with no emotion. If that makes any sense. I have been close to this point before, but I have never felt this sense of calmness.
I have an open & honest relationship with my son where matters concerning his father are concerned. I have had to be fairly honest with him as he gets older.
My most recent conversation with my son I explained that I am getting older & I feel as though I have outgrown his father. All the time being very careful of my choice of words.
I was planning for this weekend to be the time where I sat down & honestly told the father that it was time to move on with our lives seperately. I know that this is the next step. But now is definately not the right time. As I was typing my last response I received a phone call informing me that his(the father's) aunty had just killed herself. So now I just have to wait for a better time.
Sorry for the rambling. I just started typing & this is what came out.
Thank you all for taking the time to read & respond. It means alot to me.

djsmum, It is good that you are trying to be there for your sons father, and you want to help him, but in all actuallity what you are doing by trying to rekindle a relationship with him that makes you both miserable is not really helping anyone. You deserve better, and so does your son. To endlessly put yourself into an unhappy relationship for the sanity of someone else, is very dangerous to the sanity of yourself. Maybe you could convice his father that he may need to seek some help for his drinking, or maybe just to talk about the pain that he is trying to hide behind the alcohol. At anyrate, your job is not to raise/take care of your sons father, but it is only to take care of you and your son. Don't let your son think that what his father is doing is acceptable behavior. You can still try to help his father if you would like, but keep in mind that you can't help those that don't want to be helped. His first step should be to seek help on his own, and then you can support him as much as you want, but until he takes that first step, you will only fall back into your endless circle of unhappiness.

Have you and your son been in contact with AA they have brilliant support groups for people who have alcoholics in their lives. It would probably be really good for your son to understand a bit more about it and the impact that it has - plus give him and you skills to deal with it without damaging yourselves. I forget what the group is called but any AA group would be able to put you on to them.
I know for me a lot of what I thought was support was actually enabling rather that supportive. I do understand how you feel. Do try the group, the counsellor was probably right you are a strong person but I agree with Don, don’t give up on the first one get someone who understands what you are facing and can provide some support and clarity.
Aroha